You Can't Have It All
Okay, I'm at work and it's still about 2:00 pm. I called TDSB and can't get through to them as usual.
In the last odd hours it's been confirmed that 2007 is the year for marriages/engagements. To add to the list, not that I care: M.Tu, Yvonne, Porker, Tams, a few more I forgot.
I was trying to figure out why the hell I'm sad all the time. The more I talk to others, I'm realizing it's b/c I have nobody around me constantly. I don't have a zillion cousins like everyone I know does. I don't have anyone that will come over at 2 am for no apparent reason or parents that are willing to be less uptight and relax a little.
I don't know. Sometimes that's the situation you're born into and you just have to see the bright side of it I suppose.
Last night I was telling Haiat about Fil and the awakward silence that's settled over us. I told her that I'm just going to move on. She said that's what I should do and take this time to focus on myelf and accomplish those things I've set out and make something of myself. It's the perfect thing to say for the perfect situation. So it's up to me to take that perfect advice and everything will be smelling like roses.
I'm such a fucking roller coaster. How can I be walking on clouds one day and absolutely wallowing in a ditch the next? Why can't I just be happy?
Before I forget, here's the mother load of news my friend emailed me. A relationship of eight years gone up in smokes! :
Grace! This is going to be one loooooong post. You have been forewarned!
Yeah, the relationship with Louis is indeed over. I guess we were one of those couples that people just figured would get married – because we were together for such a long time. But alas, not everything works out the way you imagined it would.
So you want to know what happened hmm. Damn, that requires a big ass answer. When he and I met, I was 17 (as was he). He was the nicest person I’d met. He was cute, smart, and perfect friend material. Of course, being the giggly girl that I was, I began to crush on him. Everyone who knew the both of us thought that we should be together (b/c we fit so well), and they told us as much. So, we discussed it and decided to try it out. Sure I had a crush on the guy, but it was up and down (one day I’d like him the next day I didn’t). So we started in a very practical, pragmatic way (discussed how compatible we were, etc). There was not much in the way of chemistry – and this proved to be the death of our relationship in the end.
Sure we made out and I liked spending time with him. But something felt off…like something was missing. I used to watch romantic movies and cry – not b/c the story was sweet, but more so b/c I longed to experience that kind of passion, that kind of chemistry. Louis knew that I was unhappy. He’s a straight shooter…he thought that it was a choice – you chose to love someone completely. He thought that I was letting my feelings lead me (my feelings of confusion, etc). He didn’t believe in the Hollywood notion of romance and chemistry. I did.
So we continued our relationship in this manner. He was a great friend. Always there when I needed him. I could call him up and talk to him about whatever. But at the end of the day, I knew that he and I lacked real chemistry – something which I think is integral to a healthy relationship. He assured me that this chemistry would happen for me…that it was a matter of time, that I just needed to let go of my confusion. He also thought that I didn’t try hard enough.
What really made the whole thing worse (kind of like a noose around my neck sometimes) were my parents. They absolutely ADORED Louis. He was the boy of their dreams. My mom was always afraid that I’d drop him all of a sudden…so she was especially vigilant of our relationship. I felt like I had no choice oftentimes, what the hell could I do? I was with this guy for over 7 years, everyone knew, my parents loved him, he treated me well, we were compatible…so what the hell could I complain about? So I resigned myself to the fact that I was going to marry him. And I figured I’d eventually grow into it and be happy.
Don’t get me wrong, being with him wasn’t like torture or anything… He was a friend. A loving person. A truly selfless person. So he made is easy…but the fact remained: I longed to be madly in love. There were times when I’d get dressed up or be at home looking pretty or whatever…and this feeling of “there’s someone out there for me…and he should be here right now, admiring me”. I always had this feeling that the love of my life was out there somewhere…
Louis and I had broken up several times over the years – we always kept it b/w ourselves (never really told anyone). And of course, we would get back together.
And then, facebook happened. Everything got turned upside down.
Thing b/w Louis and I were OK. I left from Toronto to Calgary the first week of January. We were on good terms. In face, he and I renovated a room in my parents basement (painted the walls, did the flooring, painted the ceiling, put up beautiful fabric, etc). It was a labour of love sort of. So things were good.
I go to Calgary, tried to focus on school…and obviously, as per my usual style, got lazy somewhere along the way. But anyway… So I sign up for facebook (sometime in later 2006).
And one fateful late February 2007, I was going through a friend’s friends list – and lo and behold, I found someone that I recognized. I saw the name and was like “hmmm that name sounds vaguely familiar”.
Let me backtrack a bit now. It’s 1997; I’m 15 going on 16. There’s this program called “Scribe” – similar to facebook actually. It’s an intranet service for high school kids (you basically email ppl from other schools, message each other, etc). Anyway, at the time (and still now to some degree), most Tamil guys could barely speak English (never mind form a proper sentence). And amidst the bad English, I somehow stumbled across this guy’s page (I don’t remember who initiated contact actually)… Based on his profile, he came across as very witty, sarcastic, and adept at writing English. Needless to say, my interest was piqued to the highest.
He was also equally impressed by my language skills (God we were such pretentious kids). Anyway, we began to message each back and forth. Eventually it got to a point where we knew there was something happening. So after a few weeks of idle messaging, we admitted that we liked each other. Actually, I found out he liked me when I hacked into his account (his password to the account was Sanja – how original, eh). So as soon as I read that he liked me (he wrote to some friend), I confronted him. He admitted it. And we took it from there.
We had the best time ever. We talked more or less for two months on the phone and messaged each other on Scribe. It was great. He was such a funny guy. And had the cutest voice. And he thought I was pretty dang great too. His one problem was that he had a hard time telling me how he felt about me (and I used to nag him endlessly about it). Our only other problem was that he was a bit immature (he was 16 after all). I had confided in him (something about my cousin and her then boyfriend). I said something like how my parents asked me if she had a bf and I admitted that she did. I may’ve told him that I sort of admitted it b/c I didn’t want my parents to find out about us (so that I more or less admitted it b/c I wanted to “protect” our own relationship. Anyway, this moron went and told some blabber mouth girl (who had this big mouth) and she obviously went and told my cousin. My cousin was pissed. When I found out, I swore like mad at him. But we continued to be together.
So after two months of intense chatting, we decided it was time to meet. Aside from one pic, I really didn’t know what he looked like. He hadn’t even seen a pic of me (so he was worse off). So he came to Leacock to see me. And boy oh boy did it NOT go well. In walks this guy (I was sitting in the front) who was tall, skinny and dark. And I was like ewwwwwwwwww. I was praying that this was not the guy I had fallen hopelessly in love with. But alas, it was him. So we met. Hugged. I sat down on the grass and listened to his heart beat. I even stood on his shoes. Anyway, I was totally grossed out. I was having a mini kuddies episode. At that moment all I wanted to do was run home and sleep between my parents. I had no interest in having a boyfriend. He on the other hand thought the meet up went well. So when he left to go back to school, he was happy (while I shuddered at the thought of spending any more time with him).
I called him the next day and told him that I was afraid my parents would find out. I told him we had to end it. And he was quite sad. According to his friends, he teared up a bit. He was heartbroken because he liked me quite a bit and didn’t know what went wrong. He assumed that I broke up with him b/c of his big mouth (what he said to that girl about what I told him about my cousin). Little did he know it was b/c I was totally not attracted to him when I met him.
So this is how I dumped my first real boyfriend. After I broke up with him, I never really thought about him.
And then all of a sudden, I see this name on facebook – and it look like his name. But I wasn’t too sure. So I clicked on the profile (which at the time was public). I went through the pics and thought to myself “this guy is kinda cute…can it really be my ex?” But based on his profile info (music, interests) I sort of knew that it had to be him.
So I messaged him.
WOW this is one long ass message. K, I’ll let you digest this information. And then I’ll message you the next installment of this story. And I’ll also answer the rest of your questions.
GW
In the last odd hours it's been confirmed that 2007 is the year for marriages/engagements. To add to the list, not that I care: M.Tu, Yvonne, Porker, Tams, a few more I forgot.
I was trying to figure out why the hell I'm sad all the time. The more I talk to others, I'm realizing it's b/c I have nobody around me constantly. I don't have a zillion cousins like everyone I know does. I don't have anyone that will come over at 2 am for no apparent reason or parents that are willing to be less uptight and relax a little.
I don't know. Sometimes that's the situation you're born into and you just have to see the bright side of it I suppose.
Last night I was telling Haiat about Fil and the awakward silence that's settled over us. I told her that I'm just going to move on. She said that's what I should do and take this time to focus on myelf and accomplish those things I've set out and make something of myself. It's the perfect thing to say for the perfect situation. So it's up to me to take that perfect advice and everything will be smelling like roses.
I'm such a fucking roller coaster. How can I be walking on clouds one day and absolutely wallowing in a ditch the next? Why can't I just be happy?
Before I forget, here's the mother load of news my friend emailed me. A relationship of eight years gone up in smokes! :
Grace! This is going to be one loooooong post. You have been forewarned!
Yeah, the relationship with Louis is indeed over. I guess we were one of those couples that people just figured would get married – because we were together for such a long time. But alas, not everything works out the way you imagined it would.
So you want to know what happened hmm. Damn, that requires a big ass answer. When he and I met, I was 17 (as was he). He was the nicest person I’d met. He was cute, smart, and perfect friend material. Of course, being the giggly girl that I was, I began to crush on him. Everyone who knew the both of us thought that we should be together (b/c we fit so well), and they told us as much. So, we discussed it and decided to try it out. Sure I had a crush on the guy, but it was up and down (one day I’d like him the next day I didn’t). So we started in a very practical, pragmatic way (discussed how compatible we were, etc). There was not much in the way of chemistry – and this proved to be the death of our relationship in the end.
Sure we made out and I liked spending time with him. But something felt off…like something was missing. I used to watch romantic movies and cry – not b/c the story was sweet, but more so b/c I longed to experience that kind of passion, that kind of chemistry. Louis knew that I was unhappy. He’s a straight shooter…he thought that it was a choice – you chose to love someone completely. He thought that I was letting my feelings lead me (my feelings of confusion, etc). He didn’t believe in the Hollywood notion of romance and chemistry. I did.
So we continued our relationship in this manner. He was a great friend. Always there when I needed him. I could call him up and talk to him about whatever. But at the end of the day, I knew that he and I lacked real chemistry – something which I think is integral to a healthy relationship. He assured me that this chemistry would happen for me…that it was a matter of time, that I just needed to let go of my confusion. He also thought that I didn’t try hard enough.
What really made the whole thing worse (kind of like a noose around my neck sometimes) were my parents. They absolutely ADORED Louis. He was the boy of their dreams. My mom was always afraid that I’d drop him all of a sudden…so she was especially vigilant of our relationship. I felt like I had no choice oftentimes, what the hell could I do? I was with this guy for over 7 years, everyone knew, my parents loved him, he treated me well, we were compatible…so what the hell could I complain about? So I resigned myself to the fact that I was going to marry him. And I figured I’d eventually grow into it and be happy.
Don’t get me wrong, being with him wasn’t like torture or anything… He was a friend. A loving person. A truly selfless person. So he made is easy…but the fact remained: I longed to be madly in love. There were times when I’d get dressed up or be at home looking pretty or whatever…and this feeling of “there’s someone out there for me…and he should be here right now, admiring me”. I always had this feeling that the love of my life was out there somewhere…
Louis and I had broken up several times over the years – we always kept it b/w ourselves (never really told anyone). And of course, we would get back together.
And then, facebook happened. Everything got turned upside down.
Thing b/w Louis and I were OK. I left from Toronto to Calgary the first week of January. We were on good terms. In face, he and I renovated a room in my parents basement (painted the walls, did the flooring, painted the ceiling, put up beautiful fabric, etc). It was a labour of love sort of. So things were good.
I go to Calgary, tried to focus on school…and obviously, as per my usual style, got lazy somewhere along the way. But anyway… So I sign up for facebook (sometime in later 2006).
And one fateful late February 2007, I was going through a friend’s friends list – and lo and behold, I found someone that I recognized. I saw the name and was like “hmmm that name sounds vaguely familiar”.
Let me backtrack a bit now. It’s 1997; I’m 15 going on 16. There’s this program called “Scribe” – similar to facebook actually. It’s an intranet service for high school kids (you basically email ppl from other schools, message each other, etc). Anyway, at the time (and still now to some degree), most Tamil guys could barely speak English (never mind form a proper sentence). And amidst the bad English, I somehow stumbled across this guy’s page (I don’t remember who initiated contact actually)… Based on his profile, he came across as very witty, sarcastic, and adept at writing English. Needless to say, my interest was piqued to the highest.
He was also equally impressed by my language skills (God we were such pretentious kids). Anyway, we began to message each back and forth. Eventually it got to a point where we knew there was something happening. So after a few weeks of idle messaging, we admitted that we liked each other. Actually, I found out he liked me when I hacked into his account (his password to the account was Sanja – how original, eh). So as soon as I read that he liked me (he wrote to some friend), I confronted him. He admitted it. And we took it from there.
We had the best time ever. We talked more or less for two months on the phone and messaged each other on Scribe. It was great. He was such a funny guy. And had the cutest voice. And he thought I was pretty dang great too. His one problem was that he had a hard time telling me how he felt about me (and I used to nag him endlessly about it). Our only other problem was that he was a bit immature (he was 16 after all). I had confided in him (something about my cousin and her then boyfriend). I said something like how my parents asked me if she had a bf and I admitted that she did. I may’ve told him that I sort of admitted it b/c I didn’t want my parents to find out about us (so that I more or less admitted it b/c I wanted to “protect” our own relationship. Anyway, this moron went and told some blabber mouth girl (who had this big mouth) and she obviously went and told my cousin. My cousin was pissed. When I found out, I swore like mad at him. But we continued to be together.
So after two months of intense chatting, we decided it was time to meet. Aside from one pic, I really didn’t know what he looked like. He hadn’t even seen a pic of me (so he was worse off). So he came to Leacock to see me. And boy oh boy did it NOT go well. In walks this guy (I was sitting in the front) who was tall, skinny and dark. And I was like ewwwwwwwwww. I was praying that this was not the guy I had fallen hopelessly in love with. But alas, it was him. So we met. Hugged. I sat down on the grass and listened to his heart beat. I even stood on his shoes. Anyway, I was totally grossed out. I was having a mini kuddies episode. At that moment all I wanted to do was run home and sleep between my parents. I had no interest in having a boyfriend. He on the other hand thought the meet up went well. So when he left to go back to school, he was happy (while I shuddered at the thought of spending any more time with him).
I called him the next day and told him that I was afraid my parents would find out. I told him we had to end it. And he was quite sad. According to his friends, he teared up a bit. He was heartbroken because he liked me quite a bit and didn’t know what went wrong. He assumed that I broke up with him b/c of his big mouth (what he said to that girl about what I told him about my cousin). Little did he know it was b/c I was totally not attracted to him when I met him.
So this is how I dumped my first real boyfriend. After I broke up with him, I never really thought about him.
And then all of a sudden, I see this name on facebook – and it look like his name. But I wasn’t too sure. So I clicked on the profile (which at the time was public). I went through the pics and thought to myself “this guy is kinda cute…can it really be my ex?” But based on his profile info (music, interests) I sort of knew that it had to be him.
So I messaged him.
WOW this is one long ass message. K, I’ll let you digest this information. And then I’ll message you the next installment of this story. And I’ll also answer the rest of your questions.
GW
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