Diary of a Wom'n

Thank you for the lead to whoever gave me the link. Very helpful!

I got another family who wants me to tutor their child. Let me just make a trivial comment here: I've got a 60-hr work week. How in the hell am I going to squeeze this one in? I'll have to think about it. Maybe I can work something out...work 8 days a week instead of 7 maybe?

Last week, (although it feels like 2 weeks ago) I sought advice from relationship experts on the net and I found good things. Of course, you're always insatiable, always asking for more advice. Sharon and Leon were the two I wrote and they both said what I already knew although Sharon said I should really be with somebody more compatible with me b/c as it looks, Isaac and I are very very different. Leon said don't give up on it just yet but don't push.

Then I went to a forum where everyone said to just break up with him. One minute I'd agree with them and the next I'd hesitate b/c these people didn't know the whole story. I like one lady's advice who wrote to me several times. I value hers more than the others.

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Today I wrote:

deblgus--

I mean you can't exactly think objectively when you're IN the situation. It's hard to make your heart go cold just like that. it's partly b.c. I had a lot to do with this whole thing (I wasn't an angel here). I pushed him away several times b/c I can be pretty crabby sometimes.

morgan--no he doesn't have a gf, I'm certain about that.

angelw2--I know, I'm like a pendulum clock.

btw, he called and we talked for a bit last night. He has a retarded schedule now. we talked like everything was back to normal, as if the 2-week break didn't even happen (minus the i love yous). he told me he'd done serious thinking over the last little bit...and he even talked to his father about it. his FATHER?! he's coming down this wkend to see me and talk about it together. Here's where I'm stumped---he's either being a real gentleman by breaking up with me in person or he doesn't want to end it, just wants things to change b/w us. I can't imagine somebody driving such a distance to break up (but what do I know. I've never been in a long distance relationship before.)

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angelw23 (who's 36) wrote:

Just be careful - you're starting to backpeddle ( I pushed him away etc etc.) And while its admirable to see your own faults in the relationship, don't loose sight of the REAL issue - HE'S NOT SURE ABOUT HOW HE FEELS!

And until he is sure - what is the point?

My only advise at this point is to see what he says - don't accept anything less than you deserve - which is him committing to a feeling - whether that be breaking up or sticking with the relationship - but if he sticks with it - then he needs to be IN it - and he can't be IN it unless he's sure how he feels!

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I DO deserve better. I think I've forgotten myself over the past few weeks. I was willing to settle for him b/c it seemed like the easier thing to do and it felt more secure. At what point did I start shortchanging myself? I've no idea. I'm not okay with breaking up with him. I do care about him, to that I can't lie. But I don't think I could commit to him in the long run. I'd feel really unhappy.

I'll be okay with it eventually. The one I'm looking for is out there. He'll find me eventually. For the moment, I'm going to lose another 5 lbs, finish off that book and decide on an adventure.

Sometimes we really do depend on the kindness and support of strangers. (Blanche says it best.)

GW

I'm still here. Chugging the last of my drinks and shuffling the last of my papers. (It's never the last).

I'm perpetually re-evaluating my life and my goals but yet, never really settling on one thing. I'm almost at the point of accepting the fact that I will NOT attain a permanent teaching job here in Ontario at the rate I'm going. I'm not volunteering at any school nor participating in any of the k-12 events here in the community. In a nutshell, I'm not getting my name out there.

But, it's not because I don't want to. I do want to but I'm working full time right now and I need to take care of my osap loan first before doing anything to dent my cashflow.

I had recently applied to the VIF program in the states and to my dismay and my bruised ego, they could not offer me a place in their program. Gee, I wonder why...could it be the mega-volume of applications coming from unemployed Ontario teachers alone? hmm.

During those fleeting few moments that I'm so lucky to find, I've been working on a grammar book for the intermediate level (about 5-8). It is an exercise book for confusing words. There aren't books like that out there so I may find a spot on the grand market bookshelf. When it comes to book-writing, a kind of energy suddenly stirs and I get excited again. I think that's where my niche is, not in teaching, but in developing and writing books of all kinds.

On the relationship front, Isaac and I are experiencing some turbulance--mostly on his end. He is feeling uncertain about things and we took a few days to sort things out but it didn't amount to much when he called me finally last night. His attempt at trying to "sort it out" came out in convoluted, stream-of-consciousness type of jibber-jabber. I had no idea what he was saying. Or rather, I had some idea but it didn't pertain to the heart of the matter which was how he felt about me. He was so concerned about the future and my parents and his parents and my goals and his goals and my potential resentment of him....and he finally ended with, he just doesn't want to hurt me.

Before we let each other go that night, I told him to forgot about all that other stuff that he's concerned about because those are things we can't ever be sure of in the beginning. It's not something we can sort out right now and come to a definitive answer. The only thing he can be sure of is how he feels about me. And that's really where he should start figuring things out. If he's not sure about that, then everything else is inconsequential.

I wanted to be angry with him for feeling like this but I couldn't bring myself to curse him and be furious with him....to do this to me now? after I already resolved these issues within myself a couple of months ago? What's the deal? Hell yes, I should be mad.

I'm just bracing myself for the worst. That's all I can do.

Tonight, I'm going to push him to talk to somebody (no matter how much he protests this time). Anybody. Even if they don't give him any advice, he should talk out loud about his problems and go through things with someone. Just verbalizing his problems may just bring a kind of resolution that he needs.

If he doesn't come to some kind of reconciliation soon, I'm going to start to get peeved off, I'm pretty certain of it. Right now, I'm okay with it, and letting him dwell on things with or without me, but if it takes too long, I may just have to be the one to say let's not see each other any more.

It hurts just even writing it down.