Diary of a Wom'n

'Tis the night before Christmas and all through the house were 3 bodies who plodded and grumbled about, not really in the holiday spirit.

Oh well.

Isaac and I are together now. Crazy, isn't it?. Mark this date: Dec 14. Since the last time I wrote we saw each other about 3 more times.

Our first date was wonderful. The restaurant was a fantastic pick. They had a kind of corner booth that we sat in. I liked it b/c we could sit together instead of across from each other. And the food was super. He came with a cute gift and a card that I absolutely love.

Our second date was the night before the big snowstorm. We went to a restaurant close to my house. We then went to a coffee place for another hour or so.

The third time, we met at the same coffee shop but only for an hour b/c I had to go to work. I saw him the next evening again. We went somewhere downtown. The plan was to meet up with his friend, cousin and 2 brothers at a nice lounge but his 18 yr old cousin wasn't allowed in. so we went to assab restaurant. before we met up with them, Isaac gave me the nicest watch I could ask for. It was by bulova. I have to get it resized though b/c it's a little loose. I got him that nice sweater from Mexx. I think he liked it b/c he wanted to wear it right away but it was going to clash with the rest of his attire.

The restaurant was a little small, crowded and a lot loud. but it got better as the night went on. Before we sat down, they said hello and greeted everyone they knew there. That is truly a place where everyone knows your name. In the back was a long table with a big crowd of men who, upon Isaac's arrival, all gave him a thundering ovation. If they were caucasians they'd sing "for he's a jolly good fellow". I later learned that they were his soccer teammates. I was so proud of him. I sat beside the 28 yr old brother but he was sick unfortunately so I couldn't get to know him. His cop brother who's 30 I found was hilarious and very tough. Though all 3 brothers don't look alike much, they all have a distinct resemblance to each other in their mannerisms and reactions and the way they carry themselves. I was a little disappointed I didn't get to meet his youngest brother who's my age I think. He didn't come b/c he flew out to Florida to visit a girl he's dating for her birthday. I think he learned how to be a sweet heart from his brother Isaac.

I invited my friend Habs to come and she showed up about half past midnight. She and the *single* cop brother were having a private convo at one point but unfortunately, nothing is going to happen there. I already figured that before I asked Issac. The cop wants somebody who's probably taller, a charmer, a flirt, and maybe independent at least in the state of mind.

I didn't get a chance to have a one-on-one with the cop but at one point he asked me if it's serious b/w Isaac and I [he asked that same question to Habs] and then later in the evening he asked when am I coming to Phili [code for when am I going to meet his parents]. I didn't answer, I left it up to Issac who said politely we're not there yet. But I'm so thrilled that the cop asked me that b/c it means he digs me.

I was sad to see our night end. Isaac drove Habs home and when we finally got a chance to ourselves, somewhere between steamy windows and lip-lockings, he told me he loved me. I couldn't believe it. I thought we were going to dance around that bomb for a little while longer.

When I look at when we first met and when we actually started dating, I wonder if we're moving too fast but the truth is, just like time, it's all relative. It may not be right for some people but Isaac and I have gotten to know a whole lot about each other and everything we do feels right. I love him too. And I'm so thrilled that I may be part of his family. [he says to me all the time that I'm part of his family now. I love it.]

I think this may be it.

To begin, wow!

This has been a great week. I not only met him last saturday but yesterday as well. He came down here even after being forewarned about the tumultuous weather.

He is really wonderful. I'm afraid to commit too much emotion and feelings too soon b/c I want to know him a little longer and feel certain about the solidity of our relationship. Yes, that's right. We've decided to be exclusive.

We went to Kelsey's last night. The restaurant was dead on account of the disagreeable weather. It was great b/c we had privacy. Afterwards we (I) wanted to see a movie but the cinema was closed so we headed off to a coffee shop.

So it didn't happen. And I'm still here. It's not all that bad. I'm seeing the brighter side of life these days.

Mystery guy is no longer a mystery. His name is Isaac and he's in the US military. He's 9 yrs my senior and has an owen wilson accent that makes me weak in the knees. He doesn't live in Kingston, he lives in NY. I have a date with him this saturday. I'm going to get to know this one this time. I'm not going to move fast. We're having dinner at a restaurant I wanted to try for years.

I bought sexy black heeled boots a few days ago. It's got grip so I can wear it in the winter. I'll wear it this weekend.

I'll fill in the details on sunday night.

GW

I thought I'd write here one last time before I continue to do with what I plan to do, hoping that everything goes accordingly.

Hard to say everything in a nutshell though.

Bye.

I got my 3 wisdom teeth out and BOY OH BOY was it ever an experience never to be forgotten. It was bru-TAL. It wasn't so much the pain as was all the precaution and the worrying if I was going to get an infection or a dry-socket. I was so distracted by all the worrying I haven't even written here. It was a tough couple of days. I took a week and a half off from work. I enjoyed that part at least.

Since then though, my remaining energy and spirit have dwindled. I'm highly aware that I've lost my drive. This is one long funk that I'm in and I know where the beginning of it was but we won't go there. We'll just wait and see until Novemeber.

It's 1:13am and I'm going back and forth to msn (I know) and to my blog writing frantically. That's what I hate about msn. You're having a nice conversation with one person and suddenly, someone rudely interrupts and when you don't reply immediately, they take offence. Problem is that there's no "do not disturb" indicators on this thing. I haven't been on msn for years and years. I don't think I'll be back on though. Only to speak to Bee since she got off Facebook now.

That mystery guy from facebook continues to email me. It's nice but he's a constant reminder for what happened b/w me and Fil. Mystery man seems nice and I like that's things are still distant b/w us but tonight he suggested we meet for coffee/tea next time he's in Toronto which is probably going to be sooner or later. He seems to be in Toronto frequently. He lives in Kingston but works across the border.

The hell with it. I have to figure out what I'm doing with my life. I've been working on my novel a little more. I realized the reason why I was stuck on it for a while was b/c I wasn't starting off with a problem first. I was starting off with little scenes and ideas and trying to join them together. Now I tried creating a problem and unraveling a story around it. That seemed to work. So I got a problem, I'm still criticizing it though.

Better go to sleep soon. It's already fucking 1.45am.

GW

...but I am. 2 more days until the big day.

Didn't go to the film festival with Haiat. I cancelled on the last minute.

I watched the movie "Cellular" and I loved it. I am now on the prowl for the DVD. I also watched "Anchor Man". Didn't love it as much.

I got a wicked burn on the side of my left hand. It's like a dark strip. It's going to make a nice scar.

Doctor wants to see me on Tuesday. From the blood tests, he found that something is wrong with me and wants to prescribe me something. I had this coming. I'm becoming super lethargic. It's getting worse and worse. Saturday evening, I went to sleep at 9:00pm and woke up 8:45. I was supposed to be in at work at 9am. By a miracle I made it just 5 minutes after the hour. How is it that even after 12 hours of sleep, I still wake up late for work and still be tired? What's happening to me?

GW

I sent Dave Beckerman an email asking him if he's got any books published and it so happens he does but it's sold out. I'm not sure where his books are being sold so I inquired about that. He also told me that he's working on a few books right now, one of which is coming out in a month. I want to get it. He's got my style in photography. That's why I love his work.

I had a few great photo moments but you have to be quick to catch those things. Once while I was waiting for the light to turn green in my car, in front of me an old chinese lady and a young chinese lady were crossing the streets in opposite directions and they crossed each other right in front of me! It was striking.

Another time, a father and his son were doing tai-chi and the son was imitating the father. At one point they were crouching on the grass and the son was crouching too a second later. It was too cute.

Okay, I'm going to try something new tonight: I'm going to sleep at 12.30 and then see if I can wake up at 8.30 like I tried this morning. I've wrapped myself into such a bad bad habit for so long. This has got to stop.

GW

Got back from the doc. I didn't talk to him about my throat infection. I just had him do the physical and fax it over. I also went to do a blood test in the last 15 minutes before I had to make a mad dash to work. I got here in the nick of time! When I was doing the blood test, she couldn't get at the vein in my left arm so she had to try the right arm. She said this is because I'm not drinking enough water! Gosh, now I have to worry about water. I thought I was good; I don't drink pop or alcohol, just orange juice, grape juice, and milk.

This must be the funniest name I've heard yet. This dudette's name is Mrs. Wako! Haven't heard that one before. I've heard all the ones that include a male organ in all it's variants.

J found out that I need a publisher's certificate for any professional editing positions. Sometimes he makes me want to snap--not b/c of this but of the way he's so disagreeable. About anything. To the next person, they may not even notice it b/c it's really quite minor but like a stupid bug flying near your head--that's what it feels like. It's irritating.

Anyway, I really liked last night's episode of Sex and the City. Carrie turned 35 and her friends couldn't make it to the little party that THEY forced her to be a part of. But only Carrie turns up at the fancy restaurant. The other girls got stuck in traffic. So she leaves and later gets dragged out by her friends where she confesses that she feels not old but alone. In the next episode, Carrie takes part as a model for a fashion bonanza. She didn't look good in the hair nor the make-up and I didn't get the outfit. I think she looks beautiful when she wears only a little make-up and wears dresses that are clingy but not revealing and hence looking like a whore. And I like it when she walks normal, not struts around like some kind of has-been. We get it Sarah Parker, you're thin and beautiful. There's nothing else you have to prove on the big screens.

On Friday I watched some sketches of MAD TV and I noticed their skits are getting more and more riske. One of them was a skit taking place in a porn studio and they were performing porn for a live studio audience. And along with their questionable antics, I don't find them funny anymore. The old gang was a lot funnier with David Macdonald(he's still around), Debra (I LOVED her part of Mrs. Halifa Bonifa Latifa Sharifa Jackson who plays a disgruntled black chick, the white chick that plays a latino with Debra Wilson, the big white teddy bear--I looooved him, and the black dude--I loooooooooooved him even more. He was truly fantastic in whatever skit he did. He did some disgruntled black dude parts as well. I wonder where he's at now. Sometimes I see the old MAD TV gang in those sprite commercials--or is it mountain dew?

Tonight is Average Joe night. I wonder what's going to go down. I hope something romantic continues to develop b/w her and Big Heart. He makes her laugh a lot. Speaking of Big Hearts, that's another thing women want. Someone with a truly big heart and humour that runs a mile long. I've met one guy that made me laugh a lot but he didn't have heart. I've yet to meet someone with both. They are rare but a-holes and committment-phobics and narcissists are a dime a dozen. Maybe that's why firemen do it for most girls.

It's funny when it's all about the girl, it's called Average Joe. When it's all about the guy, it's called The Bachelor. I guess they figure, guys can handle it and I don't think the ladies will come on national television and humiliate themselves by being deemed as average jane.

A few nights ago I watched Spider Man on tv. Watching it a second or third time made me tolerate Kirsten's bad acting a little bit. She really sucks. The first time I saw it, I wasn't impressed at all. My favourite moment was the ending when Kirsten kissed Parker and as he was walking away, had a sudden de-ja-vu (b/c she had kissed him before but as Spider Man). That was really lovely.

So the French books just sit there these days, occasionally reflecting the glare of the sun or make like a place mat for my plate of food at night. For now, they just add a splash of colour to the decor of the living room. I need some direction in my life! I want to do big things.

GW

I brought along my camera in hopes I catch something beautifully spontaneous. Anyway, I'm back in my cage--work. P is still at that publishing co. working the final days of her 2-week notice. I have yet to give them my resume.

I think I have some kind of throat infection b/c I have a bad sore throat that won't progress to a full on cold. It's just stagnant and annoying b/c it's not letting up. It's so difficult teaching my classes b/c I don't want to talk much b/c it starts to hurt like hell.

The weather is getting colder. I'm happy about that. I want to bust out my sweaters and turtlenecks and winter-tops and mistletoes. And jinglebells and santa claus and christmas tunes and chimney coals....too early? I look forward to christmas starting in july. I just love that holiday. I don't even mind how consumer driven it's become. In a small way, I like that too.

I've got my doc apt tomorrow morning at 10:10. Here's the rest of my to do list:
-mark the rest of the papers
-stitch my black pants
-watch Average Joe Tuesday night (that goes without sayingr really)
-get that resume out
-locate a fortune teller
-try out Neptune's Cove restuarant
-go to pickering town centre and get 6 movies for $20
-get J's bday gift

I just deleted almost 40 msges I had saved on my cell. I've never listened to any of them more than once, I just kept them for a just in case moment. I still had some from december. I also had the ones from him. Listening to them partially didn't make me miss him one bit. It's good, right?

I've got less and less to say every time.

GW

I'm realizing that I'm having way more than usual difficult time getting up in the morning. Why is that? Is it the lacking in protein thing? Or not eating enough veggies? It really feels like hell in the morning.

Well, I got more classes for the weekends now and my private classes with the lady have started. She wants me back on Sunday evenings. So it's back to those dreadful days of long long hours every day of the week. I have to remind myself that I'm not the only one who works like that--K-man, J (except that lucky bastard has some weekends off).

So I mentioned that I may have gained a little weight right? Though I can't commit to a private gym, I've decided to cut back on the high calorie foods and start doing sit ups until I can figure out something else. I would've loved to run on a treadmill or something. I could've done it while watching TV.

I'm starting to see the world differently these days. My mind works out an analogy for having braces to everything. For example, the once horribly horribly dilapidated road that is Finch Ave is being gutted and redone, so for the moment, traffic is terrible. But once it's finished, the result will be pleasant to say the least....just like having braces! For a while, you have to suffer a little but the result will be worthwhile. That thought kept my temper under control while inching our my through the neon pylons and shielding my eyes from the blazing sun.

I found out the other day that K-man's mom's name is Rhoda!!! I've always had a strange attachment to that name. Along with Rhoda, I'm going to name my future baby girls Gwendolyn, Genevieve, Georgina, Grace (I can explain this one), and Geraldine. Rhoda is the one out of the G circle. But that's because she's special. I was also thinking of Magdaline and Mariam but I'm not so in love with Mariam as I am with the others. And my boys will be Joseph, Jacob, Jordan, and Johnathon in that order.

Thinking about my children carries me away.

GW

The surgery is back on. I spoke to the dentist and he says it's in my best interest to do it sooner than later. He doesn't like that I wait until next year to do it. The latest he advices is December. So I've decided to just get it over with, makes no difference to me. I won't be getting supply gigs until October anyway so it won't interfere with that.

I spoke to J about it and he's taking a day off on the day of to take me there and back. He's wonderful.

I wanted to see the job update on Thelma and Louise and found that Thelma may not have a teaching job but Louise definately does and she only graduated this year from Queens. Some people are so lucky. It helps when you're white too I suppose.

GW

There's something refreshing hanging out with my guy friends. They don't read into things like girls do, they approach everything matter-of-factly, they're easy-going, they'll do you favours more often than girls would and won't think twice about a UOME. In a word, they are utilitarian.

I'm backing out of my surgery, I decided yesterday. I called the onsite nurse to make sure that there won't be serious consquences if I wait at least a year but she couldn't tell me much until she consults the surgeon so I have to wait until tomorrow morning to find out. Whatever she says though, I think I better not do it. Those teeth are not bothering me at all so I don't want to tinker with them and go fishing for trouble. J seems to think I should at least get a second opinion. I will, when I go in for consultation for braces.

I noticed that I'm getting a little chubby though the scale says I haven't gained a single pound. I feel less comfortable in my clothes though. I saw this coming. I've been having a few too many chocolate sweets last month. I want to do something about it--go to the gym perhaps but I don't know of any gym facilities in the area and I don't know when I'll even have time for it unless I can go after 9 pm.

My part-time lady wants to start up the classes again on Suny/Sat. She called me last night but I left work too late to call her back.

My laziness has reached a new monumental level. I'm so lazy, I can't even spare 5 minutes to sew a buttom on my shirt. Or 1/2 hour to study from the French books (they're due in a couple of days). Or clip out those news articles. Or wake up just 1/2 hour early to practice piano. I'm SO LAZY! How the hell did I get this bad?

On to other news, some ass from western America msged me on facebook and asked if we happened to meet at a wedding early August here in Toronto. I told him to fuck off. Derek gave me an unvitation to his bday bash yesterday. I told him to fuck off too. I will care less about people I don't know and get to know better those people I do.

I want to watch that movie again Diary of a Mad Black Woman.

Okay, this is a quick run-down of all that I have to do this week:
-mark the remaining papers
-make weekly TDSB call
-clip out all articles
-book appt with eye doc
-cancel surgery
-sew button and pants
-practice piano at least for 30 goddamn minutes
-book dentist appt with Arla or D's Uncle
-draft a cover letter for travel agency and get guy's busn. card w/ email
-draft cover letter for publishing co. and speak to P
-renew library books

And next week:
-shopping


Shut up.

GW

I'm supposed to be at work right now but I'm home. I had to do a little favour for a little somebody so I won't come in to work until later this afternoon.

The closing of my summer was really great. I went out with what I thought would be just me, J, Kman and Romany but Gavin and Rom came as well. We went to see a late movie, "Dumbass" was it? or "Badass"? "Superbad"? Something like that. It was Kman's pick. It was stupid as hell but had very funny scenes. I wish I had cop friends like that. They sure know how to roll.

Anyway, it was nice seeing Gavin again. And Rom, too. After Gavin drove himself home and us dropping off Romany, we went to Rom's house where we had a bonfire and roasted marshmallows, we're such a cliche. It's funny that I never went to his house while we were going out in university. He's a smoker now which I'm totally disappointed about. I thought that he was smarter than that. He's excited about starting teacher's college right now at York. Why he wants to join the unemployed teacher graduates' group with the rest of us is beyond me. But he really does like working with kids, in his defence.

Something peculiar that happened, I don't really want to read too much into it is, well, first he told me "You look good," a few minutes into picking him up from his house (it wasn't an innocent comment, he doesn't compliment like that all willy nilly), then he asked me for my number at the end of the night (Kman gave me a look at that moment), and then he asked me about my status--if I had a bf or not. The reason why I don't want to read into it is he's got a gf and while I don't think he's in love with her, I don't want to rock that boat. I don't want to rekindle anything with him now, not like this. I do have to say, I know there was something there and it wasn't just sparks from the bonfire.

Well, I'm off to Kman's house to kill some time and then I'll head to work. I'll continue this tonight.

GW

Just checking in real quick. Got a whole lotta nothing done today.

Went to the dealership to bring the car back home, did the laundry, straightened my hair (I love my hair), did and still doing the marking, washed the cars, and that is that.

I wonder what the plan is with the gang for tomorrow...

GW

I saw the dentist today (he's actually a maxillofacial surgeon) thinking I'd get some consultation on my braces idea but came out with an apt for surgery to take out 3 wisdom teeth for the 19th. Lovely. I'm a little freaking out. I will after I start hearing more horror stories. But I think I avoided this problem long enough. I knew I'd have to face it someday. I think almost everyone I know has had them out.

It's a few weeks from now but they gave me a list of things to do. I have to get a check-up from my doctor and send over the release-type papers to ensure that I'm okay to have surgery.

It sounds so hardcore when they say "surgery" but it doesn't seem that big of a deal at all. I think it's b/c of the use of anesthesia. But in fact, dentists perform the procedure right in their office. He asked me what I'd like and I immediately told him the hospital b/c I know there I'll get a lot of sedatives to knock the hell out of me. Unfortunately, I'm going to put a hold on the French class b/c the financing of this dental thing is going to bruise my bank account. If anything is hardcore, it's the cost. He slapped me with $860.

They say the anticipation is the hardest part in all of this. I sure hope so.

I had an unexpected interview today at noon. The principal called at 11am and asked if I would like to come in for an interview and I said I's be there in an hour. I was there and it went well. He was conscious of not making it seem like I got the job b/c he doesn't have the hard numbers of student enrollment yet so I'll know if I got the job by the second week of September.

Then on my way home, I stopped by Food Basics to buy some drinks. I got too many cases and I found I couldn't carry them all to my car. I did't have a cart or plastic bags or anything. I had a basket but I had to leave it behind of course. So this is what I did. I got one of the boys there to get a cart for me but he came empty handed b/c he didn't have a quarter to put into the cart--that was my mistake. Then he offered if he could help me to my car which was pretty close to the exit door. That was really nice of him. Then we started making small chit-chat; he asked me where I was from, how old I was, if I had siblings. I thought the whole thing was adorably old fashioned--helping a lady with her groceries to her car. I love it!

I'm loving that song "Hey There Delilah" by Plain White T's. Never heard of them but it's a great song, until I get absolutely sick of it. "It's what you do to me"--that's my favourite line, and "A thousand miles seems pretty far
but they've got planes and trains and cars, I'd walk to you if I had no other way" b/c it reminds me of something I watched on TV. It was on that show (don't laugh) "8 Simple Rules". CJ, the goofball of the show, was telling the red-head about the ways of guys using himself as an example...wait, this deserves a new paragraph.

He was illustrating the length that guys would go to be with the one they're really into. He once got the number of a girl but accidentally threw it out and he went into the dumpster to fish it out. Yes, yes, very romantic in the hollywood sense but the point was when a guy is really into a girl, he will find ways to be with her at every opportunity. She's first on his mind and if he has to cancel appointments or drive really far or scour for her number on all fours, he'll do it. He'll do whatever it takes.

GW

I think I'm going to start doing sit ups again. My stomach is not as mediocre as it used to me.

Haiat called me last night but like usual I missed it. I missed J's as well. This is what I do. When I'm feeling blue, I don't really want to talk to people, I just push them away. She left me an exasperated msg, "I give up! I give up!" she yells. I'm a little annoyed w/ her. She didn't call me to go to the African Fest last week. I wonder what happened?

Here's what else I do. I have a jealous streak. When I see someone else has such a great meaningful life (lots of great family in particular) I start to feel totally empty. That's when I REALLY become a recluse. B/c it's something I can NEVER have. And if I think about it too much, it becomes unbearable. I lose interest in the things that used to make me happy, like my own friends, writing, reading. I make myself believe that I'm missing out. Isn't that horrible? I'm working on that though. How appropriate that old adage is: "The grass is greener on the other side" b/c green is the colour of envy!

I almost clicked the deactivate button on Facebook. I want to leave it, God knows I'd relinquish a lot of wasted time, but it's like a drug--I just can't. I couldn't do it. Just like how I'm addicted to late night TV!

I want to go for a walk with J tomorrow evening. I hope he's free that night.

GW

Have to make this quick, it's really late. Today's plans didn't go quite like I had hoped. I found out yesterday that I have a day off today only to wake up late in the morning to the new update that I DO have work in the evening! So I didn't do much today except apply to a few jobs. That's it. Tomorrow, I'm working until 4.30 and then go to this immigration session thing at 5.30. Then Friday I got my dentist apt yay! Then Sat and Sun, I don't have work so I'm planning to do some serious job applying.

I had a fruit today that was LITERALLY made of seeds and seeds alone. It was disgusting. I couldn't eat it. It was like biting into a plump juicy flesh of pits. Yuck! That even sounds disgusting. I'm sticking to my mangoes and melons.

Yesterday, I ran into that guy again. I run into him a lot these days. He works at a travel agency right in my building. We chat sometimes when he's on his break. It's funny how we started talking. Last year, I think it was a few weeks into his employment because I'd never seen him before, we were in the elevator together and he struck up a conversation with me. I told him what I did, he told me what he did and ended with him giving me his business card and asked me to call him. I never did. But there was no hard feelings. Anyway, fast-forward to yesterday, I mentioned to him that I once thought of applying at the travel agency where he now works. He said to me send my resume to his email address and he'll talk to his boss for me. How sweet is that? Only thing is, I don't have his business address w/ his email on it. I think I'll stop by tomorrow evening after work and pick up a business card. I wonder what the pay is like there. At this point, I don't think it matters. I just want some little change in my life. I want this like you want a crystal clear glass of cold cold water on a scorching humid day while driving a car with a busted ac and the raging heat parches your throat so dry, it's hard to swallow, it's hard to breathe and all you can do is close your eyes a little and wipe away the sweat from your scowling brow, your nose, your eyelids with your clammy wrist. Like a roasting hog, slowly baking, your brain melting, and your eyes losing clarity, you move a little in your seat into the shade of a wiry pole waiting for the light to turn green.

GW

I have to do this quick b/c I want to get a lot of work done today. First thing's first. I made a step towards getting myself together; this morning I woke up at 7 am to the ringing of my alarm clock. The plan was to wake up at 7 and get some errands done. I didn't actually get out of bed till 9:45 but the important part is that I set my alarm and woke up! Tomorrow, I'm going to wake up and the day after that, I'm going to do stuff. I'm taking small steps (that's putting it mildly, eh?). But seriously, I'm actually doing something about my procrastination habit. Every evening, I've taken to getting at least one errand done outside my house. Yesterday, for example, I bought a dictionary at one of my favourite discount bookstores (disregard the fact that I was there for 3 hours browsing through the shelves teemed with great books). I've been putting it off unnecessarily for far too long. So, this is my new leash on life. My new mantra is: "Why put off for tomorrow what you can do today?" The old me used to put off EVERYTHING until Friday b/c that's my one 1/2 day off and I'd imagine that I could get to my tasks then but the way my luck goes, something always takes priority and I don't get any of my things done.

Tonight's "to do" is go to Walmart and buy a plastic table cover, a man's watch, and one bra. Then, if it's open, I'm going to book an apt. at my eye-doc's. Then at home, I'm going to type out that cover letter, polish up my resume and send it to the publishing company and register for the French class.

Not to get ahead of myself or anything, but tomorrow morning, I'll make my weekly call to the TDSB and practice piano for about 1/2. After work, I'm going to Sobey's to buy a few cases of my favourite drinks and some mortadella cuts. Then at home, I'm going to call Haiat and J. Then for 1/2 I'll work on my French.

In between I'll squeeze some time to find a cure for cancer.

GW

I was so bloody tired this morning. Understandably so b/c I only slept about 4 hours last night. I didn't want to go to sleep. I was working on my cover letter for that job.

I haven't gotten any studying yet for French. I did pick up a student book from work though and this evening after work, I'm going to the bookstore to buy any useful resources I could find along with a dictionary. I did the unspeakable a few weeks ago: I threw out my dictionary of 13 years. It was completely tattered and in a sad sad state so I threw it away. It had to be done. And now I'm dictionaryless.

Holy Gee, I'm going through my money really fast. I'm spending more than I'm making it seems. That's not good. Even worse is I was speculating last night whether I should buy that Nokia camera for $900 and go for a photography class. Hmm. I also have to buy a shelf for my shoes. Now that I can't put off any longer. I have absolutely no room for them anymore and I'm sick and tired of stumbling over them every time.

Before I used to get irritated when I drive among Chinese drivers, now I'm downright terrified. I was driving to work this morning behind a Chinese driver and beside a 53 foot truck. First of all, he didn't drive at a constant speed; first it was 40 then 65, then back to 40 again. Suddenly, he starts slowling down at one point and drving out of his own lane and drifting into the truck's lane (they were literally inches away from each other). I thought there was going to be a collision but the poor truck driver slowed down for that stupid ass. Thankfully, the ass made a turn somewhere. Why are they so bad at driving?? It's like an epidemic with them. It's just not one or two of them, it's every other Chinese who's a crappy driver.

Whenever there are long intervals b/w my friends and I of not talking, I'm reminded of this dreadful void that I have. It's like it has a presence of its own sometimes especially in the morning. Young kids sometimes wish they had a sister or brother when they feel alone (kids have a way of knowing what they want) but I can't point out exactly what's missing. I want to immerse myself in something new quickly so that I can forget about it.

J emailed me today and asked if I wanted to do something with him for the long weekend. Maybe I will. I was thinking of cruising downtown and discovering bookstores and antique shops. I also wanted to go to a jazz club or even a comedy club.

GW

I unearthed some beautiful poems by one of my favourite authors, James Walters, somewhere in my room. I had a convo with him via email once many years ago, a very charming guy. Here's one:

Lilacs and Wine

Arrayed in silver,
The whiskey sky
Glimmers,
Summoning sorrow.
With sweet aromas
Of lilacs and wine,
With songs remembered,
The black breeze
Draws the memories
From the secret well,
Until the tears begin,
Until breaths deepen and quiver,
Until the soul moans
And prays
To forget.

I found it. At long last, I found it--Saved By The Bell: Wedding In Las Vegas. That movie has so many memories for me. I have a fierce hold on my past sometimes. The DVD actually came with a second movie, Hawaiian Style. I also got Last of the Mohicans. There are so many references made to that movie, I just have to watch it. It'd also be very handy to have in my teacher's kit...(it's going to take time until I totally make that transition away from teaching)

The most beautiful thing happened yesterday. One of my darling students says to me after a long period of silence, "Ms. Grace, you're a really good teacher." I was floored. I asked him why and he gave me a series of reasons to which I just had to be humble about it. It left me feeling warm inside.

I was watching the Kings Of Comedy last night before I started to snooze part way through. I watched up until Cedric came on, I missed Bernie Mac's bit but I caught it this evening. I LOOOOOOVE him along with Steve Harvey. Those two make me laugh out loud and hard. I also love Bruce Bruce but he is not in the spotlight like the former two kings. They each have their distinct style, I don't have a favourite.

On my way home from work today, I stopped at Staples and after fifteen minutes of shopping around, I look at my hand suddenly and notice I'm carrying two set of car keys. One of them ain't mine. I don't even know how the hell it came to be in my hand, I didn't run into anybody or pick up anything that wasn't mine. It was the oddest thing.

I was there b/c I wanted to laminate the Harris Burdick pictures J gave me but they told me that the pictures may be damaged. The heat could melt the colour and turn it all black so I opted out. I'll frame them in some simple light framing. That's going to set me back, I just know it b/c I have 15 of them. But I just love them. Of course, I also bought other things (because I have no idea how else to spend my money since I'm so rich) like a big box of prisma colours. I always wanted a set but never came across them until now. So I got them. And I love them.

Today's favourite by my grade 5 class was this one: I can't wait to read the story it inspired them to write. After I told them the story of the mystery surrounding his absence, they came up with wonderful theories of why he hasn't turned up: he was kidnapped, he's got memory loss so he can't remember that he even sent them in, he's moved out of the country.


Another Place, Another Time
If there was an answer, he'd find it there.

I'm thinking of making photography as a serious hobby a go of it. There are photography courses in that continuing ed list but I assume you need photography equipment like a professional camera, not like my cute-to-look-at one, as well as computer photo programs. Yvonne is an aspiring photographer (as it appears to me) and the photos that she takes are very beautiful and classy (she posts on facebook). She took one black and white one of her fiance--it's timeless.


It looks like it belongs in a magazine--HEY! Maybe I could publish my photos if I ever get to be that good! Here's two of mine:





I watched this lovely lovely movie a few nights ago, I don't remember if I already mentioned it, it's called Diary of a Mad Black Woman and I adored it, not because her name was Helen and reminded me so much of me or because her husband was a dead ringer for a guy I once dated from the way they looked, acted, held themselves, talked, background to the successful career they had (it was uncanny) but for its soulful sentimental storyline and heartbreaking scenes and tear-jerking lines. It was a true romance movie. I'm usually not a fan of romance movies. I think it's because Julia Roberts has monopolized them all coupled with the fact that she's a horrible actor. She makes a joke out of the movies that she acts it. She's too goofy. She doesn't have grace. That's next on my list of movies to buy for my unpremeditated hobby: collecting good movies. My favourite lines are:

Helen's mom: "Peace be still."
"You can't put no man before God. Don't you know that he's a jealous
God?"
"Forgive him. And then, forgive yourself."

Helen: "We both wanted to make love that night but he chose to give me something more--intimacy."

"Dear diary, this man is fine. How did he know I like to be held like this? [Am I holding you too tight?] Lord knows I wanted to say hell yes, back the hell up. Lord please get this man the hell away from me before I lose my mind."

If only it could happen like it does in the movies.

GW

(What Ross said when the possibility of him and Rachel first became realized.)

Not yet asleep. I've been searching for jobs on the net. The most interesting one is a private eye position. I can't help but imagine those private eyes from nior films of smoky rooms, seedy neighborhoods, and questionable persons. To be carried away in the romance of it all....

But seriously, I've staked out some good jobs which I will tend to by the end of this weekend. One thing is certain, I am not limiting myself to jobs in teaching. Life is waaaay too short for giving a blind eye to anything. I want to be like Arthur Spooner who's done and seen it all. What an interesting (tv) life he's led. He's always got an interesting story to tell.

Well, I better have a bite to eat, do some marking, clear my head, and sleep just a little.

GW

I'm soooooooo LAZY!!! This is horrible. It's 5 pm and I've done nothing but my hair and clean the bathroom and cook some lunch and call the TDSB!!! Outrageous? Absolutely.

I had a list of very important things to do like apply for those jobs. I didn't even prepare my cov. letter!

Arrrrgggggg!

Onto less stress-conducive things, I had the laughing fits with Haiat earlier this week and I tell you, the next few days felt like I did some ab workouts! It was great. I love to laugh.

I am super excited for my dentist apt next week Friday at 9 am. I may be getting braces to straighten out my lower and possibly upper teeth. Soon I'll have a dazzling white AND straight teeth. Soon as the process starts I am taking before, during, and after pictures to wow myself.

GW

I had a bizzare dream last night. I dreamt I was waiting for the bus on a cold gloomy day. I was making my way into a crowded bus shelter and brushed passed a puny bitch. She had such an attitude, especially with me. I ignored all her remarks and inaudable threats as best I could until the point she got out of the shelter and walked around on the outside and started to give me an attitude on the other side of the glass. I was pissed. I stormed out and I saw she was looking for a fight. I never fight, ever, but here I was fuming like a bull on fire. I dropped my bag to the floor and said something like, "What's the problem you have with me? You want to go? Let's go, big mouth." And then, surprisingly, her bad-ass disposition started to fade.

Then, as dreams go, I suddenly was with my friend and my bf. The bus arrives but she is distracted by something so I stay behind, pulling the bf behind as well from the hord of people that were trying to go in. We finally do get on and I sit with him, a big burly fortress of a guy but my friend sat at a distance, I wasn't sure why.

Later, when were arrived at wherever the hell we were, I retrieved some paper with writing done by another classmate which the teacher had displayed to the entire class in an effort to find ways to help this student improve his writing. The writing was atrocious. It was the level of a grade 3/4 student. The teacher then chooses me to seek out methods and ways to help this student. So I retrieved this paper to show the bf and he's reading it with so much difficulty himself even the words that were legible or correctly spelled. I asked him, is this yours? He said it was. I was mortified. My bf was illiterate.

What to make of it? My attraction to him plummeted immediately.

I didn't end up watching a movie with Siva. We just didn't have time. He has such a narrow gap to do things before he flies off to his next job. I went home and caught up with friends, especially Jordan. We've been playing phone tag, the two of us. He's off to the cottage for the labour day long weekend. I should ask him to go with me to the African Festival this weekend.

So Haiat's little heat with her uncle is possibly coming to an end. I wish I had that relationship with my uncles.

I don't know how long this thing with Dali will take. I'm a little concerned.

I'm starting to realize how religious Habs is. She actually puts aside one evening every week to let some guy teach her about the Bible. And also, she's become very lacklustre. She used to be fun and always full of energy as I used to remember her. I think it all had to do with her going back home and her meddling aunt having a hand at converting her faith to Pentecostal. Now, Habs doesn't even seem to enjoy herself when she's out in crowded fun places. Far be it for me to judge though.

J got back to me with great info on the publishing thing. He found a position for me at Nelson/Thompson. I'm going to get to it right away when I get home and will send off my resume and cover letter tomorrow. He also sent me a link for renewing my visa--a request made a million years ago, that goof! But in any event, I will start that process immediately as well. I also have to register and pay for the French class, just as soon as I locate a convenient school. I have to call those fucking TDSB bastards, god I hate dealing with them so much. Last Friday, I spent literally all fucking day trying to get a hold of someone but not a bloody shitbag would pick up nor return my messages. I still haven't gotten a call back. I'm am so through with this job.

GW

There's so much truth to that, I tell you. Last night I went to dinner with an old pal of mine from uni., Siva. He hasn't quite gotten over his ex. They had a horrible break-up. He just wouldn't let go when she tried to break it off and now, although a lot better, seems to drive off the road sometimes. And imagine possibilities of her coming back. Sure there's a possibility but he can't put his life on hold for a possibility that may or may not make itself available.

Anyway, when he wasn't reminiscing about the good ol' days, we laughed and laughed. He showed me a new program he developed in a couple of weeks as well as a training package which his company will be using next week, I think he said. He's given the program to his company which they will start implementing internally. Very impressive stuff. I teased him about whether or not he was going to hug me before I met up with him. He used to be the type of guy who wouldn't even touch another girl when he used to be with his gf. It cracked me up. He was uber-committed to her and she treated him like dirt in the end.

The cutest thing that night was our waiter thought we were an item and she says to him, when he was off paying for the bill, "You two are a very happy couple."

Aww. That would make us an oxymoron, though. We were too happy and easy-going with each other to be an item.

I didn't tell him about my own personal problems. I didn't want to open up that floodgate. Besides, the less I talk about it, the less significant it will seem to me, I think. I did talk about it to Sancha though. She called me the minute I parked my car at work. I told her what happened (I wasn't intending to but since she asked)--she always knows just what to say to make even Antonio Banderas look like pig feed.

We've made plans, Siva and I, to meet again to watch a movie together. There's a few good ones out I believe.

I hate my job ever so much! J is looking into the publishing thing for me. I hope he's gathered useful info. He's so good to me. He reminds me of Ira in so many ways. Except Ira was less talkative and boring. Sometimes I miss the way Ira loved me so much. He was always there for me. He put things aside to be with me when I ask him to. He respected me and put me on a pedestal even when I didn't deserve it. But, inspite of it all, I didn't love him like I wanted to love him. I wasn't mad about him. There was no chemistry throughout.

I had a "Rachel" moment with my boss yesterday (or was it Monday?) He was fidgeting with the door to lock it from the inside b/c he was about to step out and I step a little forward and I may have stuck my hand out or something b/c he came forward to hug and kiss me. We have done that before but this time it was weird b.c there was no reason for us to do that. Hilarious.

I still haven't signed up for that French class. I've been coming home so late lately, I haven't had time. I also haven't been able to practice some French with the books I brought, for that matter. But nevertheless, I'm super exited about the France venture I may get to have next spring to teach English there.

Lately I've been seriously considering taking up piano classes again and continue where I left off. The only thing holding me back is the fact that I work virtually from dawn to dusk. Where the hell could I squeeze in some time to practice during the week? The last time I even touched my piano was MONTHS ago. I could wake up an hour early but that would cut into my sleeping time. I think I'll try it tomorrow and see if I could do it.

I should get back to work. I feel like scrooge when I'm here. Scrooge was mean and always had a scowl on his face. I hope my own scowl doesn't become permanent like his!

GW

I got the answer I needed. Oddly enough, I already knew before it was spoken out loud but I just needed to hear him say it. It's good and bad in a way. I can move on now and come to the realization that the heart sure does play tricks on you. I came to believe that he was perfect but in actuality, he is not. Whenever I get a glimpse of reality once in a while, I ask myself, why can't I see these major things? Why am I blind to these deviations? I just focused on what didn't offend or repulsed me. Granted, those things were nice but they didn't outweigh the rest. I ask myself now, did he really even make me happy? I think quite honestly, I wanted a relationship that I wish it could be, I wanted to be in love with the person I wish he was.

He asked me to go to his bbq on sat. I suppose he couldn't avoid inviting me. Then that would really push me away from him. He was so bloody insistent though, I didn't know how to say no. I'll tell him that I won't be there when the time gets close.

Who did I think I was talking to? --"knowing myself", I don't know the first thing about myself. I don't know what I want. I don't know what I need. And if I did, I wouldn't know how to get there.

Last night I admitted out loud to J that I made a mistake with this career. It's real now. I really really do hate this career. God, this couldn't've happened at a worse time, not that there's any good time for realizing that the past few years of total committment to one field was a fruitless venture. Where the hell do I begin now?

Going through these days are getting harder and harder. I used to look forward to a night out with friends to relax and lift my spirits but they don't. They're a momentary distraction, that's all.

I've been having those horrible horrible thoughts again, those I promised I wouldn't have since my years in undergrad and I didn't for the most part but I can't avoid them lately.

GW

Mondays used to be hell but lately, they haven't been that bad. Monday's seem to be the days where I have the most energy and then it dissipates slowly through the week.

Remember that supposed "closed book"? Who am I kidding, it's not closed. I text msgd him this morning something to the effect of:

"Fil, are you annoyed w/ me? What's up? I haven't heard from you in a long time. Let's clear the air okay? Grace."

I couldn't admit this to Haiat, although I tried but last night during church, I actually started tearing up. Maybe it was a mix of my own volatile feelings and what was being preached that night but I did a lot of fist-clenching and deep-breathing to keep it under control, otherwise people will think I'm having a meltdown!

Then, when I went home (brutally exhausted. I was exhausted all day.) I watched a movie that was on t.v (I ended up watching it twice) "Diary of a Mad Black Woman". I loved it but it sure did make me cry. I had to leave part way through and take a quick shower, get myself together and then come back (that's why I had to watch it again b/c I missed some parts). Anyway, to say I was sad would be an understatement.

I didn't mention before but I had another dream about Fil. We were getting married. However, it was not pretty. It went horribly wrong. After the ceremony, we all sat to eat. Fil wasn't sitting with me. He was with his guy friends. Suddenly, I said hello to one of his friends and he says to me (not at all these words but the impact was just the same) "After what you did to him [Fil] why don't you just go to fucking hell."

I know! Everyone turned to look at him and a few got up to yell at him to his face. All I could do was look stunned. I got up, looked back just once and went to the bride's room. I was there all day and no one (this was the most horrible part) no one came to run after me. No one came. I thought for sure Fil would come but he didn't. Then after many hours, I thought I can't stay here all day and went down. By that time (scene changes to my own house), everyone had left. Only a few stragglers and my parents stayed behind.

My question is, why am I dreaming about him? In only ugly moments, for that matter?

Some days I feel like my problem is only with him. Other days I feel like this is bigger than him. That I have problems that extends far beyond before he entered the picture. I was reading a paper on the condition of depression and found that those with can't easily change their mood my altering their thoughts and thinking positive. It takes them a lot longer to get out of their funk.

I wish I could just be happy. Just be utterly satisfied with what I have and what's around me. How does it go? "God give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the strength to change the things I can..."

In the words of Helen from "DMBW", when will I get there?

GW

Last night was great. I'm glad I went out to little Greece. I thought I was going to be a party pooper but I wasn't. I was out with Haiat, her coz and his roommate mojo (who looks like Antonio Banderas, how hot). The cos seemed nice but has an obnoxious air about him. He had a "too cool" attitude. Ironically, he made a goof of himself quite a few times. First, he calculated our portion of the bill for the food with his phone calculator (are you kidding me?). Then at another (desert) restaurant, he made such a mess of himself (he was dressed so sharp too): he dropped his spoon on the table God knows how many times and he got some ice cream on his shirt and didn't notice until the end of the night until the stain was really settled in. I noticed and tried to draw his attention to it but I guess he wasn't aware. When he noticed, he was sad. He spent like 15 minutes trying to rub it out. A cruel joke from the gods perhaps. Then before we left, he "thought" he put in his 5 measly bucks for his portion of the bill and made a big stink about it. Haiat ended up paying for his share. Not a very dignified man at all. Poor Mojo who has to deal with him every day.

The time sure did fly. I didn't get home till 2 am. I miss nights like those. Of course, it wouldn't have truly been a night without a homeless guy hassling us for change. Apparently, Haiat and the gang had an encounter with the same man earlier that evening.

Anyway, the next thing on the happening list is my hair. I took the plunge and I cut it. I actually want it shorter if you can believe (this from the person who's never had shorter than the shoulder length hair) but it's truly liberating and it's got so much shape and bounce now! I love it.

So even though I told Haiat not to speak to Fil to inquire about his coldness, she did anyway but she didn't get much. His brother told her that he has the tendency to be a jerk sometimes. So this is him being a jerk to me I guess. It's a big question mark really. I don't know why he's decided to do that. I think I'm going to let this one go. Like water down your back, they say. I'm not going to let it bother me. That's the end of that book.

Speaking of books, I've put my novel in progress on hold for a bit b/c I'm going to enroll in French classes so that (keeping fingers crossed) I can teach abroad in France. I want to be able to understand the language at least.

Here's Part II of San's msg. as I mentioned.

Hey Grace:

Sorry for not responding to your earlier message. You are welcome to call my cell anytime (it’s on almost 24/7).

Hehe…I’m glad you find what I wrote “riveting”. Don’t worry about not emailing me earlier…I’ll try to give you a call sometime later today. I have some school stuff I need to take care of (yuck!).

My cell phone number is 416-***-****. Gimme a call when you have some time.

As for the words of Ms. Carrie Bradshaw…damn straight! THAT was the kind of passion I was looking for. I wanted so badly to be with someone who made ME weak in the knees – and I honestly didn’t think it was possible (b/c I’m so weird and picky, most guys turn me off or do nothing for me – I’m indifferent to most of them). And I’m a firm believer that one can have it all – as cheesy as it may sound.

But anyway, back to my story. :P

So things b/w Louis and I were so-so (nothing horrible, nothing great – a solid friendship).

As I mentioned earlier I found this guy on my friend’s list…someone whose name sounded very familiar. This was on Monday, February 26 (sometime at night).

So I message him asking if it was indeed him… Turns out it was my ex from 10 years ago. So we sent each other messages back and forth (you know exchanged pleasantries and the like). I told him to add me to his msn so we could chat.

So he added me on that night. And we chatted…and there was some definite chemistry there. You know…when you flirt but don’t. And as innocent as the conversation was, it got me all flustered. How is it that a guy from my past of 10 years just pops in like that and makes me all flushed and girly? I knew that my relationship with Louis just wasn’t good – that it was not the kind of relationship I wanted (hell if someone could just waltz back into my life and get me all giddy!). So I told Louis how I was talking to my ex (that same day) and that it got me all giddy…he didn’t think much of it (we had the kind of relationship where I could say anything w/out fear of any retaliation on his part).

Louis and I ended up arguing about us eventually that night…but we went to bed OK. And in the morning I woke up thinking “no way…there is no way I want to get back with my ex…he is totally not my type physically!” So I was fine come Tuesday morning.

Then I saw him on msn again… And we started chatting…and this time the flirting began (he more or less implied that I am the kind of girl he wants to end up with). It was all so subtle (but not, you know?). Anyway, he told me about his life, what he’s been up to the past 10 years. He knew I had a bf (my facebook profile said that I was in a relationship).

This time I was starting to crush on my ex… So I did something I’ve never done in my almost 8 years with Louis – I called a girlfriend up to talk. I NEVER talked to my girlfriends about my relationship really (I mean yeah I did, but nothing too deep) – I saw it as a kind of betrayal… So anyway, I called her up and told her what was up (how I don’t feel the passion, etc…how my ex has my blood going, etc). I cried too…

I told Louis I talked to my friend and he was hurt that I made our relationship out to be so cold. He and I fought that Tuesday night (again). Somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind, I knew I had to end it. And I’m going to sound like a total bitch…but GraceI ended it with him b/c I wanted to see if I could pursue something with me ex! Isn’t that horrible? I knew very little about my ex…the kind of man he’d grown into, if we had a future together, etc…but still, in my mind, it was better than being stuck in a relationship where I wasn’t happy.

Louis actually initiated the breakup…he was like “OK I can’t do this anymore”. Cause I asked him for time, to sort things out. But he was all “if you don’t know now you never will” kind of attitude. He didn’t realize the poor guy, that we were breaking up for real (he thought it was just one of our many frivolous breakups). So we break up.

And that night I ended up calling my ex, balling on the phone with him…telling him that I couldn’t continue my relationship with Louis (I don’t think I made it clear that Louis and I had broken up)…that I had feelings for him.

We ended up talking into the wee hours of the night (like 13-14 hours I think). We were both amazed at how intensely we felt about each other (after having picked up contact after so many years).

And in the two months that followed (I had two more months left in Calgary at the time), we talked non stop. Morning, noon, and night. When he was at work he’d try to call me here and there…we talked as soon as he was done work. Talked late into the night many times… It was a heady kind of connection we had. I couldn’t explain it.

This guy seemed to be so many of the things I wanted in my ideal mate. But I was afraid that once I met him in person, I’d be all grossed out again (circa 1997) – I was terrified of myself (that childish part of myself).

In the meantime, Louis and I fought, tried to be friends, tried to keep a distance, tried to maintain a friendship… It was awful for him. He’d call me really upset (he went through a roller coaster of emotions). And me, being the complete selfish bitch that I was, I was far too focused on my new found passionate affair!

This guy told me that he never really forgot about me. He’s had 3 relationships since we broke up. And he said, although he never really thought of me in a romantic capacity after we broke up (it took him a year, he says, to get over us – even though we were only “together” for 2 months…and we were so young). Anyway, he said he thought about me when things were going down hill in each relationship, how he connected with me like he had with no other (and apparently he mentioned this to some of his exes and his friends).

In fact, he said he knew I was on facebook before I messaged. He semi stalked me actually (w/out me knowing about it). I’ll give you the details later… Hehe…yet again, a long post Grace. Ohhh how did my life get so dramatic?

I must be insane.

GW

I had a restless night yet again. Had to drag myself out of bed.

So I've made my resolve; I've decided I'm going to cut my hair. It's long overdue for a trim anyway so I'm making it a worthwhile cut. I'll have it the length of just above my shoulder and slightly layered so that I can leave it out more easily. I'll go tomorrow evening.

Share asked me out to lunch with the gang for her birthday this Sat but I can't make it unfortunately. I was so looking forward to seeing her again! But I will be catching up with another old friend of mine who's studying in Calgary, the one who's notorious for never-ending tales of passionate escapades. Gotta love her though. She's a riot.

I've taken two steps back with Fil. I'm absolutely consumed with thoughts of him. It's gotten to be bigger than my body. He hasn't called me yet. But he has commented on a photo of mine. I'm going to see if I can get involved in activities/organizations around here to get me excited again about something I love doing. This job doesn't do it for me anymore. Those feelings of anticipation and longing to stay just one more hour behind at work have long gone. I leave with the rest of them now.

I received the 2nd installement of San's msg. I'll post it later this evening; that is if I don't crash early like I did last night.

I've just thought twice about that haircut. I really like having my hair cascade around my shoulders sometimes. It was my signature look when I'm out. Hm.

I've been thinking about something lately. When did I become that person who lives through the adventures of others and let them colour my world and think twice about what I say out loud? I say this b/c I'm frequently the "listener" in my friends' melodramas. Something is always happening to them, good and bad. That's not to say I've become Plain Jane but I am less vibrant than I used to be. I'm focused on one job now and go out much less. I don't like the person I'm becoming one bit. It's a good thing Haiat is back in my life. She and I will make a go of that France adventure we were talking about after Feb.

I have to learn to let go. Seriously. I had a dream about him last night. He was on a date with another girl and I was there in spirit, it seemed like but they could interact with me nevertheless. Well, she was driving while he was in the back seat. He looked like a small boy who was getting dropped off to soccer practice by his mother. When I asked him why he was sitting in the backseat and not the front seat, he gruffly answered that he just felt like it. When we got to their destination, he was far away from her. He instead mingled with other pple at the function we were at. It looked like an art gallery of some sort. So what happened was, in a twisted way, was his date and I started to become friends. She asked me where I got the lovely shirt I was wearing and I didn't remember so I pulled out the tag on the back of the shirt for her to see and she came very close to me to see it and I noticed her taking notice of the perfume I was wearing. Fil disappeared somewhere into the background by that point.

The second dream was my favourite. I dreamed that a baby fell into my arms from a 4rth floor balcony (I think it was fourth). I planned to keep him but out of the goodness of my heart, I thought I'd give the parents of the baby a chance at claiming him but they turned out to be bizarro parents so I ran away with the baby. He didn't cry once. I'm naming him Joseph.

GW

Okay, I'm at work and it's still about 2:00 pm. I called TDSB and can't get through to them as usual.

In the last odd hours it's been confirmed that 2007 is the year for marriages/engagements. To add to the list, not that I care: M.Tu, Yvonne, Porker, Tams, a few more I forgot.

I was trying to figure out why the hell I'm sad all the time. The more I talk to others, I'm realizing it's b/c I have nobody around me constantly. I don't have a zillion cousins like everyone I know does. I don't have anyone that will come over at 2 am for no apparent reason or parents that are willing to be less uptight and relax a little.

I don't know. Sometimes that's the situation you're born into and you just have to see the bright side of it I suppose.

Last night I was telling Haiat about Fil and the awakward silence that's settled over us. I told her that I'm just going to move on. She said that's what I should do and take this time to focus on myelf and accomplish those things I've set out and make something of myself. It's the perfect thing to say for the perfect situation. So it's up to me to take that perfect advice and everything will be smelling like roses.

I'm such a fucking roller coaster. How can I be walking on clouds one day and absolutely wallowing in a ditch the next? Why can't I just be happy?

Before I forget, here's the mother load of news my friend emailed me. A relationship of eight years gone up in smokes! :

Grace! This is going to be one loooooong post. You have been forewarned!

Yeah, the relationship with Louis is indeed over. I guess we were one of those couples that people just figured would get married – because we were together for such a long time. But alas, not everything works out the way you imagined it would.

So you want to know what happened hmm. Damn, that requires a big ass answer. When he and I met, I was 17 (as was he). He was the nicest person I’d met. He was cute, smart, and perfect friend material. Of course, being the giggly girl that I was, I began to crush on him. Everyone who knew the both of us thought that we should be together (b/c we fit so well), and they told us as much. So, we discussed it and decided to try it out. Sure I had a crush on the guy, but it was up and down (one day I’d like him the next day I didn’t). So we started in a very practical, pragmatic way (discussed how compatible we were, etc). There was not much in the way of chemistry – and this proved to be the death of our relationship in the end.

Sure we made out and I liked spending time with him. But something felt off…like something was missing. I used to watch romantic movies and cry – not b/c the story was sweet, but more so b/c I longed to experience that kind of passion, that kind of chemistry. Louis knew that I was unhappy. He’s a straight shooter…he thought that it was a choice – you chose to love someone completely. He thought that I was letting my feelings lead me (my feelings of confusion, etc). He didn’t believe in the Hollywood notion of romance and chemistry. I did.

So we continued our relationship in this manner. He was a great friend. Always there when I needed him. I could call him up and talk to him about whatever. But at the end of the day, I knew that he and I lacked real chemistry – something which I think is integral to a healthy relationship. He assured me that this chemistry would happen for me…that it was a matter of time, that I just needed to let go of my confusion. He also thought that I didn’t try hard enough.

What really made the whole thing worse (kind of like a noose around my neck sometimes) were my parents. They absolutely ADORED Louis. He was the boy of their dreams. My mom was always afraid that I’d drop him all of a sudden…so she was especially vigilant of our relationship. I felt like I had no choice oftentimes, what the hell could I do? I was with this guy for over 7 years, everyone knew, my parents loved him, he treated me well, we were compatible…so what the hell could I complain about? So I resigned myself to the fact that I was going to marry him. And I figured I’d eventually grow into it and be happy.

Don’t get me wrong, being with him wasn’t like torture or anything… He was a friend. A loving person. A truly selfless person. So he made is easy…but the fact remained: I longed to be madly in love. There were times when I’d get dressed up or be at home looking pretty or whatever…and this feeling of “there’s someone out there for me…and he should be here right now, admiring me”. I always had this feeling that the love of my life was out there somewhere…

Louis and I had broken up several times over the years – we always kept it b/w ourselves (never really told anyone). And of course, we would get back together.

And then, facebook happened. Everything got turned upside down.

Thing b/w Louis and I were OK. I left from Toronto to Calgary the first week of January. We were on good terms. In face, he and I renovated a room in my parents basement (painted the walls, did the flooring, painted the ceiling, put up beautiful fabric, etc). It was a labour of love sort of. So things were good.

I go to Calgary, tried to focus on school…and obviously, as per my usual style, got lazy somewhere along the way. But anyway… So I sign up for facebook (sometime in later 2006).

And one fateful late February 2007, I was going through a friend’s friends list – and lo and behold, I found someone that I recognized. I saw the name and was like “hmmm that name sounds vaguely familiar”.

Let me backtrack a bit now. It’s 1997; I’m 15 going on 16. There’s this program called “Scribe” – similar to facebook actually. It’s an intranet service for high school kids (you basically email ppl from other schools, message each other, etc). Anyway, at the time (and still now to some degree), most Tamil guys could barely speak English (never mind form a proper sentence). And amidst the bad English, I somehow stumbled across this guy’s page (I don’t remember who initiated contact actually)… Based on his profile, he came across as very witty, sarcastic, and adept at writing English. Needless to say, my interest was piqued to the highest.

He was also equally impressed by my language skills (God we were such pretentious kids). Anyway, we began to message each back and forth. Eventually it got to a point where we knew there was something happening. So after a few weeks of idle messaging, we admitted that we liked each other. Actually, I found out he liked me when I hacked into his account (his password to the account was Sanja – how original, eh). So as soon as I read that he liked me (he wrote to some friend), I confronted him. He admitted it. And we took it from there.

We had the best time ever. We talked more or less for two months on the phone and messaged each other on Scribe. It was great. He was such a funny guy. And had the cutest voice. And he thought I was pretty dang great too. His one problem was that he had a hard time telling me how he felt about me (and I used to nag him endlessly about it). Our only other problem was that he was a bit immature (he was 16 after all). I had confided in him (something about my cousin and her then boyfriend). I said something like how my parents asked me if she had a bf and I admitted that she did. I may’ve told him that I sort of admitted it b/c I didn’t want my parents to find out about us (so that I more or less admitted it b/c I wanted to “protect” our own relationship. Anyway, this moron went and told some blabber mouth girl (who had this big mouth) and she obviously went and told my cousin. My cousin was pissed. When I found out, I swore like mad at him. But we continued to be together.

So after two months of intense chatting, we decided it was time to meet. Aside from one pic, I really didn’t know what he looked like. He hadn’t even seen a pic of me (so he was worse off). So he came to Leacock to see me. And boy oh boy did it NOT go well. In walks this guy (I was sitting in the front) who was tall, skinny and dark. And I was like ewwwwwwwwww. I was praying that this was not the guy I had fallen hopelessly in love with. But alas, it was him. So we met. Hugged. I sat down on the grass and listened to his heart beat. I even stood on his shoes. Anyway, I was totally grossed out. I was having a mini kuddies episode. At that moment all I wanted to do was run home and sleep between my parents. I had no interest in having a boyfriend. He on the other hand thought the meet up went well. So when he left to go back to school, he was happy (while I shuddered at the thought of spending any more time with him).

I called him the next day and told him that I was afraid my parents would find out. I told him we had to end it. And he was quite sad. According to his friends, he teared up a bit. He was heartbroken because he liked me quite a bit and didn’t know what went wrong. He assumed that I broke up with him b/c of his big mouth (what he said to that girl about what I told him about my cousin). Little did he know it was b/c I was totally not attracted to him when I met him.

So this is how I dumped my first real boyfriend. After I broke up with him, I never really thought about him.

And then all of a sudden, I see this name on facebook – and it look like his name. But I wasn’t too sure. So I clicked on the profile (which at the time was public). I went through the pics and thought to myself “this guy is kinda cute…can it really be my ex?” But based on his profile info (music, interests) I sort of knew that it had to be him.

So I messaged him.

WOW this is one long ass message. K, I’ll let you digest this information. And then I’ll message you the next installment of this story. And I’ll also answer the rest of your questions.


GW

I've become a total procrastinator over the past year. The bad habit kind of snuck up on me. I never used to be like that. Oh well, I'll do something about it tomorrow.

I went to the bday bbq last night and it was nothing special, I hate to say. First of all, Habs wanted to leave soon as it got dark b/c she was bored as hell. I agree it was slightly boring but she was being wet rag. She had her arms crossed for most of the time that I could remember. Anyway, I took several pictures. Only a few came out well. I still have to figure out how to operate my camera for night shots. K man and I took great pics. He knows how to pose.

Despite the event being quite dull, I came home later than I expected. I dropped Habs off and then I dropped J off but not until he gave me the Harris Burdick portfolio edition of the pictures. They were AMAZING. I'm going to buy 15 frames to put them in and then I'm going to hang them up somewhere. They are really breathtaking.

Jordan couldn't make it which was just as well b/c he probably would've been bored as well. But he did say he wanted to set a date for us to get together which is wonderful. I haven't seen him for a few years now besides his pictures on facebook.

I was browsing through the pics of my friends on facebook and I have to say, Amen and his girlfriend make such a sweet couple. I met her only once at the festival.

Which reminds me, Habs seriously has the hots for Haiat's cousin. I took a great picture with him in one photo and put it up on facebook. She says she melts every time she sees it. She's funny. I know this is such a "Marilyn" but I'm seeing what she's seeing and would love to get to know him myself. Not that I'd do anything underhanded or downright despicable, but what's the harm in getting to know him for myself? I'm not breaking girl-code 101, am I? I guess if I have to ask...

My plans to go to the Taste of Danforth didn't happen b/c it started pouring. Haiat went though and then she and someone else went to watch a movie. Her record still stands (she goes to the festival every year). I really wanted to go. I hate staying in on a weekend these days.

I just paid for last week's parking ticket, finally. Next I have to mail out the stupid money order to TDSB and probably some floating forms. Come to think of it, I've got quite a bit to do in the morning, let me just make a quick rundown:

-call TDSB and inquire about my ETL status
-check for updates on TDSB websites for occasional listings
-call the number J gave me for that school for potential employment opportunity
-call the number Habs gave me for another school
-call OCT to inquire about the AQ update (this is a weird one--it's been 2 months and it's still not updated)

...

Oh geez, I'm such a goof. I just got off the phone with Jordan and the whole time, I kept calling him Justin, right through the end. What a loser I am! He kept saying to me, who is this Justin character? An ex-boyfriend? He's so funny. Well, turns out he's got a pretty busy week and weekend; some friends of his are coming down from England this week and only staying a week so he wants to spend time with them.

Anyway, I'm going to get those things done in the morning, hopefully if I sleep early enough and wake up early enough.

Here's something quirky that just happened earlier this afternoon at work. I was wearing one of my new hot tops and Resan says to me after class when the others have left "That's a nice top, miss." How sweet, but I know what's going on here. I'm not naive. There's been an obvious heat between us from day one. I can only admit this here. One thing is for sure, it won't ever escalate to anything more than this.

It was nice dressing up for work for a change. I was wearing a dark-washed denim jeans with a crossover top (I think that's what you call it) and black shoes with kitten heels. I only actually dressed like that with the intention of going straight to the danforth festival so I wouldn't waste time changing clothes. I liked all the compliments I got. I should be the hot teacher more often.

Did you notice there was no mention of Fil anywhere? It's getting easier, especially after the stint he pulled Friday night. I had called him before midnight and left him a msg. He called me back at 1.45 am. He knows very well that I have work the next day. As we talked, I noticed he was quite loud, callous and behaving like the male equivalent of a ditz. He didn't have to tell me that he had a few drinks, it was obvious. Apparently, after his meeting with the youth group members, they went to a club I think and afterwards, he took the bus home. He told me he also had a bbq to go to the next day and was likely to go clubbing afterwards. Then on Sunday, he had soccer practice. My friends' voice is echoing in my head "Get to know him better." That was good advice. Boy, was I eager to paint him something beautiful or what? I spoke too soon when I said he was perfect. He's definitely not what I hoped he would be.

It's too soon to say that I'm over him. I do want to see how this plays out but with a newfound patience, perspective and a whole lotta control.

GW

I feel SO good today. Yesterday evening, I went out shopping with Habs and it was just the thing I needed! I bought a little more than I intended to: two jeans, two belts, a dozen tops, and a pair of shoes (which were a steal) all for under $200. There's a rush that comes with being absolutely carefree. Habs didn't purchase much, just shoes. Because she's such a sensible girl, she said she wanted to save a bit so she can take courses at school. Meanwhile, my own sensibility is put on hold as I cruise down isles of sexy summer clothes. I love that girl.

Today was supposed to be my half-day off but here I am back in the building because we're down to the final days before our pilot goes into full swing in September and since we're opening another school in another area, we have to be very prepared. So here I am, with the usual 4-5 hrs of sleep that my body has become conditioned to unfortunatley. I can't seem to sleep longer than that at all.

I took care of the money order business which I'll mail out on Monday with all the other plethora of documents along with it. I'm excited about September again!

I'm doing a lot better with my inner turmoil with Fil today. Last night, I called him on my way home from dropping off Habs and I left him a msg as he didn't pick up. He called me back half-past 11pm but I was away from my phone and I missed his call. By the time I realized, it was past midnight and I couldn't call him back b/c I was certain that be'd be asleep. He left me a nice msg. I sensed a little less nervousness and anxiety in his voice which was great to hear.

Before I called it a night, I posted up the pictures of the festival on Facebook, did my hair and forgot to eat the cake that my boss's wife gave me. I didn't even come near the leaning tower of papers I have to mark that is endlessly rising. I don't know what the hell to do about that. I can't lose any more sleep just to do them. Forget about it!

GW

This morning the secretary says to me, "Can you believe it's noon already?" I thought to myself "What do you mean? It couldn't have come fast enough!" I so don't want to be here. I wish I could've taken the day off and hung out with Habs. I've been completely out of it all week.

After work today, I'm going shopping with Habs for some staple items like jeans and summer shoes, for me anyway.

Yesterday, I asked Jordan to come with me to the bbq. I'm still waiting for a reply (b/c I emailed him. He lives out of the area and phoning him means long distance charges). Anyway, I'm looking forward to it because it will be a super distraction from Fil. He's a dead-ringer for Austen in Days of our Lives back in the days of yore. Very hot but lacking in personality. Char was telling me last night that when she was once completely crazy about this guy, Miguel the thing that helped her get over him was talking with an old high school lover, Elton. It doesn't sound too cool, I know, he sounds like he was a rebound guy. But how it turned out was cute: Elton and Char are together now.

The thing with me is that I'm only assuming things with Fil b/c of the way he's kind of pulling away.

For example, he called last night and it was super casual. We didn't flirt at all. In fact, he dominated the convo entirely almost as if to avoid discussing any uncomfortable topics. He was talking so fast, I could barely catch what he was saying half the time. And in the end, he abruptly said that he had been losing a lot of sleep lately and that he thinks we should both go to sleep. And that was that. No fighting for who hangs up first. No "I'll call you tomorrow". Nothing. He only said "I'll call you another time".

I thought it would turn me off that he didn't let me speak much or that he got off the line so quickly but no, it only made it much worse. He has taken over my entire daily thoughts.

Haiat and Habs seem to be convinced of the fact that he's not a jerk and wouldn't be disrespectful enough to simply stop talking to me on account that he's not interested anymore. And that he wouldn't start doing arrogant things like ignore me or brush me off. Reassuring? Yes. Satisfied? Hell no. They also both said that I should get to know him better. If I hear that one more time, I'm going to go balistic. Getting to know him better is what I'm been doing. Sometimes, Habs tells me of his flaws to remind me that he's not perfect like the way he's "pocket-sized" and short. But this is way beyond the superficial.

One thing that I'm proud about (a redeeming quality, finally) is that I haven't cried over this once. I'm holding up in that area. I did with Alex (the high school counterpart to Fil) but it won't happen again. Where have I heard that before...?

How embarrassing the way I've been carrying on about him, eh? I'm so glad I have this blog and two close friends who won't judge me to whom I can pour out all my confessions. I'm utterly, hopelessly, unbelievably, head-over-heels over him.

GW

I went to my group session at TDSB and it was just what I needed--to be out in the city and have a little change of scenery. I got most of my documents signed and handed in. All that's left is to send a certified check for the release of my criminal record report.

Speaking of which, I almost wanted to scream this morning when I was driving along to the place and I reach in to my bag to make sure I have my chequebook. I had the check book alright, but no cheques!! It was merely the record book. It fooled me into thinking that it had my chequebook. I couldn't return home b/c I was already too far ahead but thankfully I can mail it in at a later date.

Yesterday morning my mom got into a car accident. A young lady side swiped her from the back and she started to cry (the young lady). I took my mom to the collision centre to report it later that evening b/c the car wasn't completely totaled but the bumper and lights are smashed quite a bit. It started to rain a little and on top of that we had a biatch of a police officer. She was rather butch and despicable looking. We got through it and was helped by another attendant who was rather nice...cute and actually from the same homeland as me--well almost.

I love downtown but God help those who have to drive through that messy gridlock of one way streets and tight street lanes. Unless they are used to it to the point where they've become numb.

At the session, there were quite a varied group of people in terms of age and the whole bit. One that stood out was a dark-skinned gorgeous hunk. He was hot. A month ago, I would've tried to make eye-contact with him but today, I couldn't keep my eyes ON him. My mind was a thousand miles away.

At one point I had to step out to put more money in the meter for my car and for a fleeting moment, I felt at peace, my mind was clear, and I felt okay again. I felt the warm sun on my face and remembered the thrill of walking past fashion stores. But just as fast as the moment came, it went away again--just like that.

I suppose it's one of those things that gets harder before it gets easier. But I think I'll be okay (hoping sooner than later) but for the moment, it hurts terribly. You know that feeling? When you want something or somebody so much it hurts?

GW

I know the day isn't over but I wanted to fill you in on Haiat's convo. We talked tonight and she said that Fil talked to his brother about me and he said to her...

Oh my god. I'm obsessed! Please, can someone slap a bit of reality into me? Why can't I talk about anything else but him? I was just telling Haiat about my ordeal in trying to get over him so that I can feel like my old self again. I totally HATE this. The last time I felt like this was in high school. Since then, it was small crushes in which I always ALWAYS had it under control. Now, we are so far beyond having self-control, it's neurotic is what it is. Do grown woman have feelings like this? Or is it just me? I'm sure Haiat isn't like that. She seems to have a very steady head on her shoulders.

I'm just going to give it time and let it run it's course like a bad cold. It'll dissipate eventually.

He called tonight (I missed it) and left a msg asking me to call him back, and that he'd be up for the next half hour or so before he hits the sack. I called him back (I was debating about whether I should call him tonight or tomorrow b/c I have to go to sleep--I've got to be up at 5 tomorrow). But he was already in bed I guess b/c he didn't answer.

I got it bad.

Real bad.

That’s one for me on the stupid score board. John Mayer would have said to me, “Your stupid mouth has got you in trouble. You said too much again.” I’m not in trouble exactly…I’ll start from the beginning.

Last night was fantastic, more than fantastic. I wish there were more nights like these but unfortunately they are only once a year occurrences (on a long weekend). I met up with Habs there and I ran into Fil's brother Hen and my university pal, Haiat. I realized I missed her when I saw her. She brought me up to date with her life. She confessed that she wants to continue with her teacher’s ed. and is planning to apply this year and then to get more experience, she was thinking of travelling abroad somewhere like France where one of her friends is there teaching elementary. I told her about my desire and partial plans to teach abroad but didn’t have anyone to do it with. So long story short, she and I will sign up together in February to teach in France. It sounds like it could be a thrill.

5 hours after I arrived, the inevitable happened. I saw Fil. He saw me. He came over and then we hugged. I hate that I missed him a lot. We exchanged inaudable "how are yous" because it was so loud. He seemed very casual at first, and only later seemed to be a little nervous. I can't remember how the topic of Friday night talent show came up but it did and I said that I didn't go. Then he said "That's okay. You probably got too busy with your stuff." I replied "Not at all." "No?" "No. I just felt that maybe you didn't want me there because you called so late and--" "I called so late?" "Yeah, I thought that was your way of telling me not to be there so I wasn't there." (I really shouldn't have said that. Not busy? Of course I was busy).

This was the part that bugged me. He said, "Why would I not want you to be there? I'd want everyone to be there, especially if its something they've never been to." What the f--- do I care about "everyone"? I'm talking about me! Well, I changed the subject and he told be about how busy he'd been all weekend.

Anyway, my stupidity doesn't stop there. When I was on my way to go home, Haiat left me with this after talking with Fil's brother, Hen, "I have to tell you something but we'll talk tomorrow." "What is it?" "Another time." "Good news?" "Yes. Fil does like you but just take it slow and get to know him better."

Oh. My. God. Say no more. I knew exactly what she was talking about. I committed a "Grace". Only I can do something like that--become so wildly attracted to someone and then blow it by getting too intense and moving too fast. I did that once before. I didn't count on it happening again. But it's happened. I truly thought we were on the same page. Did I become so delusional in the past few weeks that I chose to see and hear only what I wanted to? I think I messed up.

I have the urge to tell him the next time he calls to not call me for the next few weeks because I am just way too crazy about him and I don't know what the next foolish thing I'm going to say. It's unbelievable, really. There were 1000 cute guys there and I could only think of one.

One date. It's been one date and he brings me to my knees. We need a new word for this.

Sometime still in the late evening, Hen asked me to come to Fil's long overdue grad surprise party at his house. It's just an idea right now. I'm not sure if it'll happen. I'm not sure if I'll be available.

Finally, we took a series of pictures, my $400 camera turned out to be a bust. Some pictures were blurry, some dark, only a few came out nice. Fil and I only took 1 picture together. It was one of the few that came out nice but the best one was of him and Haiat. It was absolutely positively gorgeous. It was the most natural photo of two people I've taken. Too bad I wasn't in it.

Other insignificant details: I woke up this morning and the smoke from all the roasting coffee that the women folk like to do clung to my hair. I didn’t have time to wash it this morning so I went to work smelling like coffee as well as, interestingly enough, Fil's scent. It was still lingering on me even though I showered this morning. Either that or he and I use the same cream.

I didn't even begin to gather all the forms I need for tomorrow's session in the morning nor have I located where I need to be on the map. Shoot.

A few days ago, it hit me that J has become me in a twisted way. J has been really good to me but I'm treating him the way Fil treats me--ignoring his calls sometimes, no longer emailing him. That's pretty crummy, eh? But I don't want to hurt his feelings by telling him outright that I'm not interested. I'm hoping he'll get the hint eventually.

I'm really disappointed to say it but I think this parallels Fil's thoughts. I think he's hoping I'll get the hint eventually. I will. Eventually. I just want to fight for him just one last time.

GW