Diary of a Wom'n

Justin completely disappointed me today. He didn't call or try to contact me and try to explain when or if he'll go with me to my friend's wedding. I'm sad I didn't get the chance to see Sancha and share with her her special moment. I'll send her my blessings through a card. She may not be here to hear it but I wish her everlasting happiness.

For every bad, there is a good and for me, both happened on the same day. This evening, Tristan called me and apologized about not being able to get together with me. He said he's very tired from last night's wedding he went to. It's just as well anyway, today wasn't a good day for me to go out. He sounds different from what I remember but strangely familiar. He has a cute way of stopping to let me speak every time I accidentally interrupt him, very much unlike Shanil who would interrupt me at every opportunity and always before I finish my sentence. He was always in a rush to either put his two cents in or express his views or disagree with me. I'm glad that uncomfortable trip is over.

We set a date for Wednesday. Hopefully, we can make a night of it. I look forward to having more deep discussions with him. And finding out what other things we have in common. He has this innocence that makes me think of those days of old school love. If I'm not careful, I may just fall for him.

This week I must have watched Diary of a Woman at least 4 times. I love that movie so much and since J gave me the DVD, I'm bound to watch it as much as I've watched The Associate. I love the way Helen writes or narrates in a gentle, reflective way that is almost induced by writing in a journal by hand. There's something private and poetic about writing in a journal the old fashioned way. I'd like to say I want to go back to that format but I'm too conditioned to having my diary in the virtual world. I like having access to it from anywhere without being physically attached to it. I like to claim anonymity but cherish it at the same time.

Lately I find it takes less effort to be happy. I don't need a reason to wake up in the morning. The days go by with small disappointments and irritation but nothing that consumes me. I think about my goals more and doing it at my own pace. I think about the things that make me lucky to be me and to have what I have. That old proverb isn't so out of reach; I can find happiness within myself. Some days, I forget these things but those days don't last too long. I'd say, lately, I'm finding myself.

Oh man. I'm in deep with Courtney. We're messing around way too much and and every time we get together, we push the line a bit further each time. He kissed me in a freaky way last night and he fingered me again. I'm afraid if we step out of the confines of his car (his car acts like this "meter" of how far we can go. Obviously we're in a public place, I'm sure there are laws about this.) all gloves would be off. He wants to be in me but I told him I draw the line there. I might see him this weekend, either friday or saturday. I'm apprehensive though. I feel like I'll be stepping into dangerous territory.

(Light bulb flash) I just stumbled upon a 3rd love story; that between Sancha and Angarin. It's cute b/c it's got a childish side to it but endearing b/c they're married now and I've got emails from her about the whole story that I can utilize.

Tomorrow I'm going shopping with J again and then later I'll pop in to work which means I have to push back my date with Tristan from Wedn. to Thurs evening. Which means I have to do some creative adjustment with my private class kids.

The more I think about my business plan for a resort, the more I think it's too much of a daunting project for one person to do alone. I think I'll continue to work on the planning and saving money but I'll venture into this very measuredly and I won't rush into it.

GW

To date, these items in bold are done:

1. purchase select eritrean movies
2. write out the 2 love stories
3. review resume and begin to fill in LTO forms and apply for LTOs
4. write and send letter to QECO
5. review SFE
6. organize basement bookshelf
7. buy a dress for Sancha's wedding
8. book dental appt for some time in October
9. finish collecting resources from the summer AQ course
10. see the doctor about skin
11. shopping for clothes
12. buy a new computer system
13. start a photo blog
14. find an organization system for my shoes
15. draw up a business plan
16. make a list of requirements for MEd.
17. type out TDSB interview questions

Boy, I didn't do much. Well, I've got 8 more days...tick tock.

Gotta say the past few days have been so enlightening. I came across an old university friend, Tristan on that archaic msn and we talked on 2 occasions. Each time, we talked for hours and hours but what was more phenomenal was that our conversation was deeply profound. We went beyond the childish games and superficial chatter and we discussed things like life, religion, peace. Talking to him has made me realize being at peace really comes from your own emotional stability and perception on life, not religion. Tristan is christian by name but he really doesn't practice it like his mother does. In fact, he went further to say that he has issues with Christianity and religion overall and that he shares celebrations from all religions but doesn't really have ties with a particular one.

We made a date for Wednesday. I can't wait to see him. Back in university, I remember very vaguely sharing one class with him and chatting with him outside of class. I remember how good-natured and down-to-earth he was. He also had a gentle way about him; he spoke softly and his approach with people was warm and non-threatening. And if that wasn't enough, he is incredibly good-looking, yet he doesn't at all play this up. I think he genuinely thinks he's not but he's truly the hottest guy I've had interests in.

While talking on msn, I had mentioned casually that I wondered how we met. He gave me a moment by moment rendition of how we met. Slowly it started coming back to me. It all began when he and I were on our way to go home late in the night from school. I was waiting for a ride from my dad and he was waiting for his bus. Then he made the first move to introduce himself because he recognized me from a class we shared. Then a few minutes later, I suppose my dad said he'd be a little late to come and get me so he and I bought chinese food and we shared it in the lounge by the big windows. Then apparently I bought another chinese food combo for my dad. After that, we talked occasionally and he said that we talked about getting together outside of school but then exams came along and then it never happened. I don't remember at all exchanging msn addresses but how lucky that I do have it b/c how else could he have come back into my life?

At the moment, he's finishing up his first year of his 2 yr MFA I think. He lives pretty close to my work and he's 26. He's also got birthday blues. He asked me not to wish him next year b/c every birthday serves as a reminder to him that he hasn't accomplished much, according to him, although I beg to differ. He's accomplished more than the average person has. That's something to be truly proud of. I think that he's probably comparing himself to others and measuring himself by somebody else's standards. That's a recipe for disappointment right there. We shouldn't dismiss the accomplishments or gains we have made in life because it doesn't compare with the next guy. Booker T Washington once wrote that success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has had to overcome while trying to succeed. I take this wisdom deeply to heart. Everybody's trials and tribulations are different and its our individual triumphs that matter, the strength of our character is what matters, and our contributions for social change is what matters.

I hate to ruin a nice blog entry with developments about Demello so I'll only mention how true to his sign that bastard is; Taurus. He's stubborn to the point where he can be a jerk. That's how I would describe him right now, a jerk. And a prick. He'll stick it to you and then annoy you. If he did something uncool, he won't admit guilt and apologize. He'll find a way to steer the conversation in a different direction so that in the end, the tables have turned and all of a sudden, you're at fault as well. Also, he believes that his personality warrants him to be snarky and sarcastic with people and that everyone around him should accept it b/c that's "who he is". He doesn't think he should tone it down a little. He thinks it's quite okay to go on offending pple and pissing them off.

Interestingly enough though, he revealed that he likes me and wants to date me yet he's not treating me like someone he wants to date. I got to be honest, I don't have time for idiot men like him.

On another front, the man I was introduced to, S.Teclemariam, called me after we've been emailing each other briefly and chatting on msn. I'm afraid though he's the typical severe eritrean. I think he might be pretty traditional and may be a stick in the mud. He's very educated. He's got a long list of degrees, the most recent of which he completed was a PhD in economics. I should call him back tomorrow as I "missed" his call.

The dress I bought for Sancha's wedding is out of sight. It's so beautiful. It's an orangy-red colour, knee-length, one-shoulder, african-style dress. It's got copper beads along the neck-line so the accessories I'll have to wear will have to be copper and/or wood. I got a scarf and a date to go along with the dress. All I need is shoes, a clutch, and a wedding gift. Justin really is the boy next door. We've done everything together; shop, movies, eat out, grocery shop. He's great.

More good news for September, my boss gave me raise. And I got another raise for TDSB. Yay!

GW

Here's the to-do list for J and I:

1. watch a live comedy show
2. visit the CN tower
3. get a reading from a palmist
4. take pictures around the lake shore
5. watch a movie at a drive-through
6. shopping

That's all that comes to mind. Some of it is really for my sake, the others are fun things we both want to do. We have a modest sense of fun.

I contracted a nasty bug from out of the blue a few days ago - some kind of cold. Yesterday it left me very drained and feeling so much pressure in my head. I couldn't accomplish anything. Today I feel a lot better.

Here's my short term to-do list for August, since we're on the subject:

1. purchase select eritrean movies
2. write out the 2 love stories
3. review resume and begin to fill in LTO forms and apply to LTOs
4. write and send letter to QECO
5. review SFE
6. organize basement bookshelf
7. buy a dress for Sancha's wedding
8. book dental appt for some time in October
9. finish collecting resources from the summer AQ course
10. see the doctor about the skin
11. shopping for clothes
12. buy a new computer system
13. start a photo blog
14. find an organization system for my shoes
15. draw up a business plan
16. make a list of requirements for MEd.
17. type out TDSB interview questions

I'll post an update as to how much I was able to accomplish by Sept 1st.

GW

Since the last time I posted, here are my accomplishments:

1. I earned a primary ABQ
2. I secured a spot on the preferred supply list of another school
3. I orchestrated a story writing contest
4. I got a new car (I may have mentioned this already in June)
5. I've learned to read palms (getting there)
6. I've got a business plan to open a resort in Eritrea
7. and others that have slipped my mind

The primary ABQ was a great course to gather resources from but in terms of it being a valuable course in and of itself? Hell no. The teacher was an arrogant ass, the students, having sensed they have to put their guard up I suppose, weren't very friendly with each other, and the amount of work we had to do was truthfully unreasonable. One has to literally spend about 10 hours a day just to get through 1 days' work. The expectation was that you were one who had no life, no kids, no job to pay for the ludicrous fees of this course. I'm so glad it's over. I came out of it with a B+. I don't have grievance about that, the last weeks of the course, I didn't contribute much to class discussions, or finish all the activities. I got a final mark of 73% for that but what I disagree with is the mark she gave me for my chapter review; a measly, undeserved 70%. 70? I did a hell of a lot better than 70% that's for sure. I have a right mind to complain to her, not that it would make a great difference to my overall mark and not that the overall mark means much for AQs, but just to let her know that I think it's not a fair evaluation.

The other school in which I got on the preferred list, I gathered after going there a few times, isn't thaaat great. It may be close to my house, it's a K-8 school, but the teacher's don't seem to have a common bond, they don't really interact with each other. And they're not too friendly to supply teachers. But oh well, I'll give it another year. Anything can happen in a year.

The story contest was a lot of fun. I got to exercise my sick need to control, organize, and categorize. Reading the stories were fun too. Some stories were done quite well. Some needed more guidance from the teachers. It's a shame the other teachers didn't take it so seriously and didn't encourage the students to write like I did. The next thing on the agenda is probably a math contest. Parents are already asking about it. That's a good sign. It's likely we won't have it until December though. There's a lot more to do for a math contest.

Reading palms, yes, ...it's true what they say that it's an art b/c if you look carefully and closely at your palm, you'll notice millions and millions of tiny lines, offshoots of the major lines, and according to the experts, they all tell a story. So your hand, essentially, is a book; a book of life.

Speaking of books, I just realized I have a 2nd love story that I can add into my book. It's the one of Mike and Aileen and how they first met. It's such a great story. It's not typically cliche, or raunchy, or sad. It's perfect.

I've officially read all the entries from the Jenny's blog who's in Ethiopia. She's a trooper, living there for this long. I suppose when your goal is so strong and you become a part of a loving community, everything else becomes less important, less of a challenge. I would have truly like to help her but it would be a conflict of interest right now. If only she was in Eritrea. I would empty out my savings to help Eritrea.

These past few days have been uncomfortably humid. I finally gave in this morning and turned on my fan. We're doing good this year with leaving the AC off, I'd like to continue keeping it off.

I can't wait until September so I can start making some real money and get closer to my dream of building a resort in Eritrea. I suspect construction costs will be at least 80USD. Perhaps by the end of this month, after I write out a basic business plan, I can talk with Cecilia at my bank and see my prospects for a loan, perhaps for next year. By the end of this year, I'll have about $20, 000 in savings and my credit line. By the middle of next year, that will double to $40, 000 through aggressive savings tactics. I'm going to do this!

Here's a wild story. My boss checked my charts a few days ago and read that I'm going through tough times, that everything I try, fails and doesn't work out. He also said that within these next few years, I will find someone willingly. The tough times part blew my mind away - it's so accurate. I feel like the lock on my personal vault has been cracked open. I wonder what else he discovered about me that he doesn't want to say?

GW