Diary of a Wom'n

It's Christmas Eve today and I just realized that this will be the first time writing here since the summer. Well, the past few months went by very fast, although at the time it didn't feel like that. I have a sweet bunch of kids again this year, I love it. And I was able to start up new initiatives that I talked about last school year
(http://gracewonderful.blogspot.com/2011/06/great-entertainer.html) which are the spelling bee and the skipping club so far. The spelling bee is great; turned out to be just as I expected it to be. In the new year, a student in the school wants to start a poetry club in my class. I'm not too excited about it because I'm not really a poetry fan. But we'll see how it roles out. Another teacher and I may also start a spoken word team of writers but, again, I'm not too excited about that one either. But if the kids are interested, that's all that matters.

In case I didn't mention this, Dj had left for Calgary for a fellowship for a bit over a month in mid-summer and came back to Montreal to enroll in another program. He had asked if I wanted to come down before the summer to Montreal. I wasn't able to - it was the last few weeks of June and that's a busy time at school.

Joel and I don't talk anymore. He emails me sometimes though. I don't respond. He always made me feel special.

I need a plan for 2012. Do I show random acts of kindess? Do I start a workout program? Do I volunteer somewhere?

GW

A few days ago I had the oddest dream of Ruth telling me that her husband passed away. She seemed to come to terms with it and was not at all distraught or upset. She was more matter of fact than all that. I wonder if this is a message?

Okay, a little change of plans to my 30-day challenge. The working out thing is not working out. It's been crazy hot this week and will continue for the rest of the week. So it's been hard to look forward to driving to the gym in this suffocating heat. I'll have to start Friday morning and avoid the afternoon sizzle.

Also, my new curfew is 1.30 am to hit the sack. After that, there's no hope of me falling asleep if I stay up later than that.

I watched the new Harry Potter movie with Kunle today. No, this doesn't mean I'm a Harry Potter fan now. And no, it doesn't mean I'll be going through the series like an excited little teeny-bopper...although, I do have the series sitting on my shelf...hmm. Like I have the time!

GW

There was a moment of realization when Paul from Zoo Keeper said, "I spent five years trying to get over someone I didn't even love," after getting a second chance to have a life together with his ex-girlfriend of five years. At the end of it, he realized that they're not good for each other at all.

It made me think of how misguided people's feelings could be about each other, especially when there's a breakup involved. Something has gone wrong when someone initiates a breakup. And both partners need to acknowledge it and see the relationship for what it is. As individuals, friends, movie night buddies, we might be wonderful, but as partners in a relationship, not so wonderful.

I started to think if that has been the case with me. Did I ever really love Isaac? For one thing, I didn't know him an awful long time, less than a year in fact. And his job...leaves me less than comfortable. I sure did love being with him though. Maybe that's all it was - a good time. There was no substance. We never got to know each other deeply. And maybe what we find, we may not like. And the fact that he broke up with me is probably a good indication that there are things I truly don't like.

GW

A few days ago, I read on a fellow blogger's blog that she will be undertaking a 30-day challenge on ways to be a better person. I want to try the same thing but in my case, I'd like to do the following for the next 30 days - written in the order of greatest challenge to least. (July 19-August 17)

-wake up before noon every day (I'm serious)
-accomplish one task every day
-work out at the gym 5 days a week (this will extend into all of August)
-write a post every day

I feel like I'm biting off more than I can chew but I really want to try this. I feel like it could only lead to good things. Going to the gym definitely won't hurt, 30-day challenge or no 30-day challenge. In fact, I'd love to lose about 5 pounds by the end of the challenge. Right now I'm at 125 so I'll set my goal to 120. And by the 5th of September, I'd love to go down to 118. That's reasonable.

So I'll see you tomorrow with something else to talk about.

GW

My students won the Sportsmanship award for the mini-olympics at our school. I'm super proud of them. But really, there was not a doubt that they would get it. They each got a burgandy ribbon.

The award is like the equavalent of a beauty pageant's Miss Congeniality award. Very nice.

GW

I've heard of nasty, twisted, sick young boys who do demonic things but always on the news. I've never actually known them or had the opportunity of working with them.

That about changed a few months ago. There is an eighth grader at our school who is on the fast lane to serial rapist valley. There is something deeply and seriously wrong with him and I can see his future and it's definitely disturbing.

At first, I thought he was just another creepy typical horny boy but seeing the pattern of his behaviour shed light on something more sinister. He initiates sexual acts like gyrating doggy-style behind a teacher close to retirement, grabbing his friends' butt, grabbing their crotch, and allowing his friends to sit on his lap or coming in behind them to squeeze them to him. This is not just a horny boy. This is a criminal in the making.

Mark my words. Sooner or later, he will end up on the front pages for a heinous crime.

GW

There've been so many happenings over the past month or two but between coming home late and tired; and being lazy, I haven't gotten to writing about it here.

There's 3 days of school left and I am absolutely ready for my break to begin. It's been a good year. My core class was wonderful and so were my 6s. My favourite grade is definitely the 6s. They are cuter, more willing to try new things, and more willing to learn.

Next year, my assignment is ESL, grade 7 Lang/Social Studies, and MYP assistant. It's going to be a lighter load than it was this year and I'm looking forward to it. Next year is our IB evaluation year and so it's going to be a busy year for all of us.

This year, I didn't get involved in any extracurricular activities bc I didn't want to compromise my ability to plan my lessons and units, especially bc this was my evaluation year. I think I'm ready to do it next year. What I had in mind were setting up a spelling Bee competition, debate team, speech competition, story writing competition, and jump rope competition partnered with another teacher. I'm most excited about the spelling Bee competition because that's the one the kids are most eager to participate in.

So for the final 3 days of school, my job as a teacher will end and my new job as The Entertainer will officially begin, entertaining the kids so that they don't turn on each other and avoid a Lord of the Flies situation.

GW

Last week Thursday my .5 position for next school year turned into a 1.0.  I was excited about the adventure that was going to lead me to work at two schools but I like working at one school too.  So this will be my third year working at this school, my second year as a full time-permanent.

I get little sparks of joy whenever I think about the last day of school because it means that I can start planning and preparing for the next year.  I have several collections of ideas I want to implement in September and start designing charts, unit plans and a budget for classroom supplies.  I'm also looking forward to completing the final ESL course to make me a specialist and bump me into the next pay category.  So many things to do, but it will be fun.

And the time off for vacation is good too.

GW

Theo said it best: Marriage is where romance goes to die!

In any society, those who choose a path of solitary and independence over marriage and children are silently stigmitized and labelled many things - selfish, unfulfilled, spinster...but this is inaccurate.
Lately, I've been doing some reflecting and it dawned on me that I don't actually like the chores and routines that a marriage brings.  I like everything about a relationship right up until the wedding day.  After that, nothing looks thrilling to me.  Especially now, having listened to and observed several married couples and their plights, such as the following.

#1 Marriage makes you complacent

For example, Charls no longer is the fun, spirited person she used to be. We used to gossip, bitch about people and talk about our relationships.  Now, the only thing she concerns herself with are family get-togethers.  Also, I notice with a lot of couples who've been together for a long time, they don't mention their partners in conversations.  It's like their partners have become an old shoe they don't want anymore.

#2 Marriage doesn't garantee "till death do us part"

Michele told me her story of being married for 10 years to her husband before divorcing him for cheating on her.  After 10 years of marriage?  1-3 years I can understand, but not after that long.  You expect to get old together when you reach a decade of being together, not divorcing and having to go through that mess of splitting up your assets and children.  And how do you begin to think of doing that all over again with someone else?

#3 Marriage trades away your independence

Joel and his story has to be the ultimate tragedy and the disaster that scares me.  When he first married his wife, it was a blissful time.  They loved each other and enjoyed their time together.  But soon, bitter feelings towards each other started to emerge and now they are bordering on hatred.  They can't stand each other.  Emotionally they are separated but now Joel is planning to go through a formal divorce when the time is right.  The ugly part of the divorce is going to be custody issues, child-payment and spousal support payments, and splitting the ownership of the house between them.

I don't ever want to go through a situation where I have to fight for what's mine.  There's no questions about it - what I worked for, and saved for is mine, and to fight me on that, you'd have to go to hell and back.  I absolutely don't like how marriage erases that clear distinction of what belongs to you and them.

#4 Marriage chains you to your partner's stupid annoying habits

Once you marry your man/woman, you marry their annoying habits as well.  And the trouble with this is that sometimes you don't become aware of certain things until after you marry them and move in together.  And it's not like you can just tell them off and leave to your own house bc your place is now with him/her!

So after much reflection, independence has nothing to do with being selfish.  Nor does it lead to an unfulfilled life.  It's actually quite fulfilling as you lead a life on your own terms, pace and time.  YOU call the shots when YOU want to.  It's rather freeing.  You avoid a lot of the pitfalls and limitations of marriage and the only thing you're limited by is the sky!

GW

You do well when you are in control and operating only on blind faith for a short while, but a situation can become uncomfortable if you have to pretend that everything is okay. Instead of covering up your uncertainty with foolish behavior, try being honest and letting everyone know exactly where you stand. Fortunately, this strategy takes little effort on your part. An additional benefit is that others will like you more if they know that you are being authentic.

I do feel like I'm operating on blind faith a little sometimes.  With Dj for instance, I'm hoping the vagueness will lead me and us to some kind of certainty down the line.  It's hard to express yourself and be honest over email though, because there is room for misunderstanding and you can't pick up on the tone through email.

GW

Today, Mustafa says to me, "Ms. G, you've got swag."  I'm usually in tune to the slang words but this one I wasn't sure of.  When I asked what it meant, he said it meant "style".  What can I say.  It's in my walk, it's in my talk.  Do I love it?  Totally.  I am totally the stylish teacher.

And yesterday, I couldn't help myself but tell one of my grade 6s to take a chill pill because they were being too anxious and hyper.  They're getting me to speak like them these days.

I love being young.

GW

Over the past few weeks, that’s how I’ve been described by 3 different people; Dj, Mo, and Kei - cool. Several years ago, I used to be considered “pure”. Now that has been replaced. When Dj went on about what he likes about me, he said I was cool “as a girl and a woman”. When Mo was trying to analyze me about how I’m not anal about my friends calling me right away or not often enough or….and that I don’t assume anything or jump to conclusions…., he said I was really cool and that he wants to be cool just like me. When Kei was telling me what she did over the March Break including some things I shouldn’t know about, her friend asks her, “Why are you telling the teacher that?” to which Kei responds, “So? Ms. G is cool.” Awww.

I like that this is how people see me. I have been making an effort to be cool and easy going, not high-maintenance or uptight. Even though sometimes in my mind, I can be very very uptight and anal about certain things. But nobody needs to know about that part!

Candee called me on the weekend to get advice about job hunting for teaching jobs. She is in her last few months of teacher’s college at Queens and will be graduating in June. I think her division is in P/J. She really want to start teaching right away but unfortunately, she didn’t apply to the TDSB hiring pool around January. She feels she missed her opportunity to be on the ETH/supply list for this year. I’m afraid she’s right but I didn’t discourage her about it.

Talking to her brought back memories and the feelings of anxiety of when I was in her position; about to graduate, REPEATEDLY being told about the dismal job prospect as if it’s a new national anthem, going through a state of total defeat and hopelessness, applying to vacancies all over the board and in other boards in vain, attending interviews without any results….. better to forget those times! In retrospect, I’m so relieved about the position I’m in right now where I have a permanent position, I’m settled and I don’t have that stress of job hunting. I have other stress at work but it’s not as bad as the stress of not having a permanent job I think.

GW

But wait...where's the beginning? and where's the middle? ...well there is a beginning and a middle but I'm going to sum it up very fast below.

I liked this March Break.  You can't ever hate a break from work really.  Well, I'd planned on making this week a productive one and I'm proud to say it was.  I didn't get to complete everything but I completed the important things.

So to start, I did my long range planning for grade 7 and 6 Literacy.  I marked everything except the grade 7 guided reading stories.  And I did a lot of relaxing and emailing to Dj.  I'm not anxious to return to work tomorrow but I feel less overwhelmed for sure.

Over the break, I also saw Mo.  I haven't ever gotten around to updating this blog about him.  I guess because he didn't matter to me much.  Well, around August, he started to get very insecure about himself around the time I was buying my apartment.  He wasn't happy for me from the day I mentioned I was looking for an apartment and when I bought it, the green monster finally came out.  He picked at something to argue with me about one evening (i.e. not initiating conversations with him) and finally I stopped talking to him.  And note that this was all on BBM.  He even apologized over BBM

Then around new years, he writes me happy new year and we started talking again.  I debated whether I should reply but the sick part of me wants to see him fall for me so that I can have the glory to tell him I don't want him.  I want him to see what a huge mistake he made, I want it to eat at him and make him grow up a bit.

Nothing has changed with him.  He didn't date anyone during the time we stopped talking.  He isn't looking to buy his own place.  He says it's cheaper to rent with a roomate.  Whatever.  He said he missed me a lot.  I think he just misses being with somebody to be honest with you.

Djibril is the one I'm intrigued about.  Part of it is he's a new person, at least new from the point of when we met in person.  I feel like there's so much about him I don't know.  I know factual things but I want to know him in action.  I want to see how he treats me in person, how he interacts with me when we're not limited by time, how he solves a problem he's faced with, how he gets angry, what makes him smile...He says he "likes me" and that attraction "grows more and more" everyday.  That`s not happening for me.  But it's hard for that to happen over email.  I hope that in April, he comes down here to visit, where we can get to know each other for real.

GW

If there was a time machine, that's the day I want to return to.  That's the day where I would decide to delete Isaac's messages to me on Facebook, cut all connections with him and never explore a rollarcoaster world with him.  I wouldn't know him, I wouldn't love him.

And I wouldn't be here years later missing him.

GW

So it's been a week since I last saw Dj and we've been emailing each other every day.  We like each other and I think we have a lot in common.  I'm hesitant to say whether I really like him or not.  His history with relationships is making me very guarded and I can't fully trust him.

Dj says we have a lot in common and hopes our relationship will grow.  I wish I could speak French so I can understand the depth of his feelings and what he truly wants to say to me.  Right now, he's very limited in his ability to express himself in English.  He repeats himself a lot because he doesn't know how to extend what he wants to say.

He plans on coming here to see me when he can work it into his schedule.  He's already working on his resume right now he told me.  He wrote it in French which means he's probably going to find employment in Quebec.  Which means he might start to wall me out because of the distance factor as soon as he realizes he doesn't want to do the long distance thing.  Until he can show me that he can totally commit to me, I'm not going to commit to him.  I'm going to be casual and date other people as well.

Something hit me last night where my boss had told me something about my fortune.  He once had my fortune read a few years ago (2008), and he found that my life is currently seeing difficulty at that time but it will gradually turn around and in a few years, around 2012, I will get married in that year.  I was intrigued when he first told me, but I soon forgot about it until now. I wonder if that will be how my life will unfold.
GW

So I talked to Salima about Dj and she gave me some things to think about, not that I haven't already been thinking about it, but this time she gave me a guys opinion on things - Kevin's.  I don't really want to go into it here but I just want to reflect on the fact that something is definitely missing. 

For example, normally I would be anticipating and waiting for the moment a guy calls me or writes to me, but this time, I could care less.  And it's because he didn't show me the attention I wanted during the gala, specifically.  I didn't feel close to him.  I sometimes felt like I was just there.  He didn't compliment me on how I looked or any of that or make me feel special in any way, except for holding my hands.

Secondly, he seems detached from relationships.  I didn't like that he easily moved on from his previous two serious girlfriends when he made the decision to move to a new country both times.  I don't like that he left them behind like that.  It makes me feel as if he could easily do that to me.

And finally, although nobody seems to think so, I feel the fact that he can't speak English well is a barrier.  It's mostly on his part.  To me, it's sexy but to him, it seems difficult even though he told me it's not a problem.  His lack of English seems to impair the way we communicate a bit.  Instead of having deep, complex conversations, it's often cut short because of it.  He struggles a little to understand me.  And I know he sometimes just nods his head pretending he understands when he truly doesn't.  And in a group setting, he doesn't know what to say to me, so he talks to others instead in French.  And neglects to translate a little of what he talked about.

So those are my thoughts and observations about him.  I don't want to over-analyze (that's what we do best anyway), but I want to be careful if this is headed towards a relationship.  I can't get hurt. 

GW

So it was a Law Conference for blacks that he attended with his friends and he stayed at a hotel.  He came with 3 of his friends by car.

On Friday, I met him around 6 at the hotel.  He was there waiting for me at the lobby with Jean Jacque, the one whose phone he was using to contact me.  Then we went up to his suite where I met his roomate, Israel.  There Dj and I talked for a bit.

Then, we went out for dinner together with the friends he came with.  They are the funniest people I've met.  They were fun, always had a story to tell and very kind.  One, Jean Jacque was totally uninhibited and I loved the way he spoke with his West African accent (although nothing beats Nigerian accent).  Carroll was also out there, very funny and very cute.  He could articulate himself very well in English. 

After dinner, we went back to his hotel, and I stayed there until half past 12 before I went home.

On Saturday, I saw him again, and this time they had a gala event that evening.  I didn't know that it was a gala until I got.  I had thought it was a simple dinner but it was a formal black tie event.  And what was I wearing?  Well it wasn't formal wear.  I saw all the ladies wearing dresses and they were so made up.  Anyway, the gala was at Eaton Centre and I drove Dj, Israel and the president of the convention, Carrie, to the place.  The weather was terrible but we made it (we should've seriously taken a taxi.  The treachorous weather, all the parking fees wasn't worth it.  Also, we could've all chipped in at the end instead of me having to pay for it all.  I was annoyed about that).  Once there, I was pissed that as a guest, I had to pay $70 to get in.  Whatever.  I got a meal out of it.  I should have lied and said that I didn't have money when she asked.  What could she do, turn me away and say I need to leave?  I drove her there after all.  I can never think on my toes.  Dj wasn't happy that I had to pay.  Twice he said that he wanted to pay me back.  The second time, he asked for my account info in order to deposit money into it to make up for the gala.

Something I found interesting was all those I met at the conference were all from West Africa -- Benin, Togo, Ivory Coast, Mali, Camaroon, Sierra Leonne. It was really wonderful. I guess this profession is very appealing to West African people. I think I was the only one from the East. They also all spoke French, except for Carrie.


After the gala we went back to his hotel and I stayed over that night until the next morning (today).  I got to know him a lot better after that.  He told me what he wants in a woman and about his past girlfriends and why he broke up with them.  It gave me a good picture about the type of person he is.

That's the just of it.  I'll fill in the gaps tomorrow.  But I want to add what I learned from these past two nights:
    1. do better on thinking on my toes
    2. get other people to drive wherever possible

GW

My pen-pal from a couple of years ago is visiting Toronto in March and he says he'd like to meet me. I'm happy that I will get to see him because I never thought I ever would. I never expected circumstances to turn out like this considering he was living in Czech at the time. But I'm glad it did because now I'm curious as to how far this will go.


GW

Last weekend I had a fit of panic where I thought I caused some trauma to my top molar and was worried that I may have damaged the nerve to the point of no repair. I was so panicked that I spent all day Sunday scouring the internet for either confirmation or reassurance of my worries - of which I found none. A week and a dentist visit later, I found that no damage has been done. I just have to let my tooth recover from the movement caused by the tight retainer. It was my fault for squeezing that thing in there and it caused my tooth to become loose after a few days. But now it seems to have gotten slightly better.


GW

So I was talking about Salima last week.  Well, she is still pining over him like he's her only chance in life.  She's hoping that he'll suddenly realize that he does love her and take her back.  I urged her to reduce the amount of times she texts or communicates with him.  This week she was able to refrain from texting him for 3 days.  Normally she would contact him every two days or so.  The worrying thing is that she is the one always initiating conversations, never him.  I don't like that.  Anyway, I think it's best for her if she forces herself to quit talking to him and move on.  She'll definitely continue to think about and care about him but being involved in a non-relationship with someone who doesn't want to commit to you isn't healthy.

GW

Appearances can be so deceiving.  On the outside, a person can look so together, aloof, strong.  On the inside, the total opposite.

I had dinner with Salima after work and we got to talking about her relationship troubles.  She's in love with a man who doesn't feel she's the one for him.  In her description, he's almost a perfect human being - thoughtful, sensitive, strong.  But he doesn't see her in her future sadly.  So when he broke up with her before the holidays, it was hard on her.

I'll talk about this more tomorrow.  Going to sleep.

GW