Fools Rush In
I got the answer I needed. Oddly enough, I already knew before it was spoken out loud but I just needed to hear him say it. It's good and bad in a way. I can move on now and come to the realization that the heart sure does play tricks on you. I came to believe that he was perfect but in actuality, he is not. Whenever I get a glimpse of reality once in a while, I ask myself, why can't I see these major things? Why am I blind to these deviations? I just focused on what didn't offend or repulsed me. Granted, those things were nice but they didn't outweigh the rest. I ask myself now, did he really even make me happy? I think quite honestly, I wanted a relationship that I wish it could be, I wanted to be in love with the person I wish he was.
He asked me to go to his bbq on sat. I suppose he couldn't avoid inviting me. Then that would really push me away from him. He was so bloody insistent though, I didn't know how to say no. I'll tell him that I won't be there when the time gets close.
Who did I think I was talking to? --"knowing myself", I don't know the first thing about myself. I don't know what I want. I don't know what I need. And if I did, I wouldn't know how to get there.
Last night I admitted out loud to J that I made a mistake with this career. It's real now. I really really do hate this career. God, this couldn't've happened at a worse time, not that there's any good time for realizing that the past few years of total committment to one field was a fruitless venture. Where the hell do I begin now?
Going through these days are getting harder and harder. I used to look forward to a night out with friends to relax and lift my spirits but they don't. They're a momentary distraction, that's all.
I've been having those horrible horrible thoughts again, those I promised I wouldn't have since my years in undergrad and I didn't for the most part but I can't avoid them lately.
GW
He asked me to go to his bbq on sat. I suppose he couldn't avoid inviting me. Then that would really push me away from him. He was so bloody insistent though, I didn't know how to say no. I'll tell him that I won't be there when the time gets close.
Who did I think I was talking to? --"knowing myself", I don't know the first thing about myself. I don't know what I want. I don't know what I need. And if I did, I wouldn't know how to get there.
Last night I admitted out loud to J that I made a mistake with this career. It's real now. I really really do hate this career. God, this couldn't've happened at a worse time, not that there's any good time for realizing that the past few years of total committment to one field was a fruitless venture. Where the hell do I begin now?
Going through these days are getting harder and harder. I used to look forward to a night out with friends to relax and lift my spirits but they don't. They're a momentary distraction, that's all.
I've been having those horrible horrible thoughts again, those I promised I wouldn't have since my years in undergrad and I didn't for the most part but I can't avoid them lately.
GW
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