Someday GW
Mondays used to be hell but lately, they haven't been that bad. Monday's seem to be the days where I have the most energy and then it dissipates slowly through the week.
Remember that supposed "closed book"? Who am I kidding, it's not closed. I text msgd him this morning something to the effect of:
"Fil, are you annoyed w/ me? What's up? I haven't heard from you in a long time. Let's clear the air okay? Grace."
I couldn't admit this to Haiat, although I tried but last night during church, I actually started tearing up. Maybe it was a mix of my own volatile feelings and what was being preached that night but I did a lot of fist-clenching and deep-breathing to keep it under control, otherwise people will think I'm having a meltdown!
Then, when I went home (brutally exhausted. I was exhausted all day.) I watched a movie that was on t.v (I ended up watching it twice) "Diary of a Mad Black Woman". I loved it but it sure did make me cry. I had to leave part way through and take a quick shower, get myself together and then come back (that's why I had to watch it again b/c I missed some parts). Anyway, to say I was sad would be an understatement.
I didn't mention before but I had another dream about Fil. We were getting married. However, it was not pretty. It went horribly wrong. After the ceremony, we all sat to eat. Fil wasn't sitting with me. He was with his guy friends. Suddenly, I said hello to one of his friends and he says to me (not at all these words but the impact was just the same) "After what you did to him [Fil] why don't you just go to fucking hell."
I know! Everyone turned to look at him and a few got up to yell at him to his face. All I could do was look stunned. I got up, looked back just once and went to the bride's room. I was there all day and no one (this was the most horrible part) no one came to run after me. No one came. I thought for sure Fil would come but he didn't. Then after many hours, I thought I can't stay here all day and went down. By that time (scene changes to my own house), everyone had left. Only a few stragglers and my parents stayed behind.
My question is, why am I dreaming about him? In only ugly moments, for that matter?
Some days I feel like my problem is only with him. Other days I feel like this is bigger than him. That I have problems that extends far beyond before he entered the picture. I was reading a paper on the condition of depression and found that those with can't easily change their mood my altering their thoughts and thinking positive. It takes them a lot longer to get out of their funk.
I wish I could just be happy. Just be utterly satisfied with what I have and what's around me. How does it go? "God give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the strength to change the things I can..."
In the words of Helen from "DMBW", when will I get there?
GW
Remember that supposed "closed book"? Who am I kidding, it's not closed. I text msgd him this morning something to the effect of:
"Fil, are you annoyed w/ me? What's up? I haven't heard from you in a long time. Let's clear the air okay? Grace."
I couldn't admit this to Haiat, although I tried but last night during church, I actually started tearing up. Maybe it was a mix of my own volatile feelings and what was being preached that night but I did a lot of fist-clenching and deep-breathing to keep it under control, otherwise people will think I'm having a meltdown!
Then, when I went home (brutally exhausted. I was exhausted all day.) I watched a movie that was on t.v (I ended up watching it twice) "Diary of a Mad Black Woman". I loved it but it sure did make me cry. I had to leave part way through and take a quick shower, get myself together and then come back (that's why I had to watch it again b/c I missed some parts). Anyway, to say I was sad would be an understatement.
I didn't mention before but I had another dream about Fil. We were getting married. However, it was not pretty. It went horribly wrong. After the ceremony, we all sat to eat. Fil wasn't sitting with me. He was with his guy friends. Suddenly, I said hello to one of his friends and he says to me (not at all these words but the impact was just the same) "After what you did to him [Fil] why don't you just go to fucking hell."
I know! Everyone turned to look at him and a few got up to yell at him to his face. All I could do was look stunned. I got up, looked back just once and went to the bride's room. I was there all day and no one (this was the most horrible part) no one came to run after me. No one came. I thought for sure Fil would come but he didn't. Then after many hours, I thought I can't stay here all day and went down. By that time (scene changes to my own house), everyone had left. Only a few stragglers and my parents stayed behind.
My question is, why am I dreaming about him? In only ugly moments, for that matter?
Some days I feel like my problem is only with him. Other days I feel like this is bigger than him. That I have problems that extends far beyond before he entered the picture. I was reading a paper on the condition of depression and found that those with can't easily change their mood my altering their thoughts and thinking positive. It takes them a lot longer to get out of their funk.
I wish I could just be happy. Just be utterly satisfied with what I have and what's around me. How does it go? "God give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the strength to change the things I can..."
In the words of Helen from "DMBW", when will I get there?
GW
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