Diary of a Wom'n

To keep things short, I had a great evening saturday night. Fil and I went to YD to meet and eat, then bowling, then the park to chill and get a little dirty. I had to lead the way though in that department. I first led him to my boobs and then he took it from there. By our second and third game at bowling, I got better but he still beat me in the end. A few times, I was one pin away from getting a strike. Isn't that ironic (you'll see why as you continue). I got home at a relatively decent hour--midnight. I couldn't have--had I taken the subway so I'm doubley glad I took the car. I'm not too sure now if we can be in it for the long hall. That night we moved too fast to tell if there's anything meaningful there. I'd like to think there is but I have to get serious.

Anyway, however it turns out I've resolved to not like him too much. I've actually been forcing myself today to distance my feelings for him a little. I just can't get too emotionally attached in case it doesn't work out with him. Yes, it sounds like it's a rather destructive mentallity but I know I won't be able to handle it if I end up truly falling for him and he discovers later on that he really doesn't feel the same way. It has happened once before but I never let it happen again. And I'm not about to start now. So, mark my words, I won't get all torn up over him if it falls apart.

The project at work is nearing an end, at least with the preliminary stuff. Then we go to editing, layout, key pages, and the works. I'm aiming to finish the foundation all by the end of August so that way I can focus on doing supply work or LTOs even.

An interesting development that recently bubbled up is I reunited with my cousin Dali. She's not back home. She is in another country making plans to come to Canada. We haven't seen each other since we were babies but I still feel like I miss her. I can't wait to see her.

GW

egh! Have I turned into one of those girls that is so consumed in her romantic affairs? I think I have. But there is more to me than what I lay out here.

I just can't help it. I'm letting myself be swept up in the whirlwind that is Fil. I love it. And I can't wait for him to confirm what I already know is true this weekend.

I can't be wrong about this. I could love him. I knew from the very first message I got from him.

GW

Looks like I didn't have to go through the "is he gonna call me" phase. He called again tonight like he said he would. Oh my gosh, I am totally loving this guy. How many wonderful things are there about him? I can't even count them. There's not a single solitary thing about him that I can say turns me off about him. There's nothing off-putting about him (and there have ALWAYS been something. Something that keeps me from going the distance with them. They were never right). But this feels right.

We talked about where we could go and how the heck we could make it happen b/c I'm in the far east, he's in the far west. The cutest thing about that convo was when I asked him if he wants to meet half-way, he said "that really doesn't matter as long as we get to spend time together, that's what matters the most".

And yesterday when I asked him to tell me something personal, after a few seconds, he told me something that was personal to him. I know it's a vague question but I want to see how they take it. When I asked J the same question, he didn't have anything to say on the pretext that he didn't know what my definition of personal was. He's such a bore. You snooze, you lose big boy.

Yesterday marks the day I've heard these following questions from J for about the 700th time no joke:

"were you sleeping?" (no)
"sing me a song" (no)
"did you listen to any more songs?" (no)
"how was your day?" (good)
"what did you teach today?" (same as usual)
"what time are you going to work tomorrow?" (same as usual)
"when's your next day off?" (don't know)

He asks me these questions every time we talk. Makes you want to scream!!! What the hell do I do? I still want to be friends with him. This is a topic for another day. I want to talk about Fil more.

He said the sweetest thing today. He said, "every time I talk to you, I like you more and more." How sweet is that?

The last half hour of our convo was comprised of "you hang up first...What's it going to take for you to hang up?...if you really cared about me, you'd get off the line..." Well, I was the one who had to hang up first b/c he just wouldn't do it. I felt like an niner again.

I forgot to mention, yesterday's sweetest thing he said was something along the lines of "what we have will last forever and ever". That really touched me b/c it was an indication, even for a moment, that this wasn't something temporary.

GW

Let me just jump right into it...

Fil asked me out on a date! For this Saturday!! The 28th!! I'm so psyched, I can hardly sleep. It's 3 am right now (not that I normally don't stay up this late anyway).

It all went like this. He called me half past 9pm today and I was unfortunately away from my phone. He left a msg for me to call him back. I called him back a quarter after 10pm and he picked up. We talked just about everything without holding back or carefully choosing our words. We just talked. He's the most down-to-earth person I've met in a long long time. He's got huge personality and such humanness about him. Like a breath of fresh air, that's what he is. He made me laugh and laugh and he sweet-talked me a little but not in a charlatan kind of way--always genuine.

He got onto the topic of relationships at one point (that was my doing) and he mentioned something peculiar. He said he never had a long-standing relationship b.c. he tends to self-destruct. I love his choice of words. He said he would do something or find something to not make it work. I hope he doesn't self-destruct with me. Along with that, he said they just weren't his type.

The best part about Fil and I is that we click. We have chemistry. The deep meaningful kind of chemistry where it goes far beyond the surface. It's farther than infatuation and the temporary flavour of the week. He really makes my heart race. I'm not just kinda sorta interested in him. I've fallen hard for him.

Sunday night, I talked to Habs about him and like a cued tape, she said to be cautious and basically not get my hopes too high. Friends can be so sensible.

Gosh, could this really be? Could I have found him? Are the gods truly that kind?

GW

I love this picture. It's raw and unassuming.

I totally forgot my babe's bday today. I sent her a msg on facebook. I'll call her tonight. It looked like she had a wild night from the photos she put up, that crazy chick.

Fil called on my way home from work. It was perfect timing. I was actually on the other line with Habs at the same time. Well, the just of our convo was he's super busy lately and will continue to be busy until after the cultural festivities which is after the second week of august. He said he called me now b/c he likely wouldn't find any other time to call me. He asked me to attend a talent show he's hosting on friday the same week of the picnic which is on monday--all in the second week of august. In the same week, I also have to hand in some forms to the TDSB on a wednesday. That means, including tomorrow, I have to take 3 days/partial days off at least. I don't think I'll be going to the talent show though since I'm working. I may swing by late like after 8.30 but the event is so far away in distant downtown. I'll have to see if Habs will come with me.

He also said he's organizing a soccer thing at the picnic. I will so see him there.

This is when my friends tell me to be cautious and not get my hopes up but it's too late for that. They're up and staying up until he's mine. Unless of course, I do my thing in picking him apart and finding way too many things repulsive about him. Then I'll throw him back in the sea with the rest of the fish.

There's something so appealing and at the same time unsettling about this picture. What is it?

Went to the movies with J. We saw "Chuck and Larry". I loved it. Many of the actors from "King of Queens" and the movie "Mr. Deeds" were on it. It was great. My two favourite comedic actors in one movie, what's better? Before the movie, we ate at boston pizza and had tai chicken--oh my gosh it was unbelievably good. I had a strawberry smoothie which caught the eye of some pple, wondering what that delicious pink thing I was having. Of course, at the movies, we didn't touch, didn't accidentally brush each other's hand, nothing as usual.

Facebook Fil said he wants to talk to me on the phone. I gave him my number and I'm awaiting a call from him. I'm actually nervous about talking to him, what's going on? I never get nervous for guys. Guys get nervous for me. I think it's b/c he fits the puzzle so perfectly right now. With the other guys, I knew that it wouldn't last.

My bff came over yesterday and the goof brought along a christmas and bday gift for me. She's so silly. I saw her okay car and her really horrible hair colour. It looked cheap (the hair). I wish she would stop with the streaking and stick to solid dyes like deep chocolate brown would look so natural on her.

Tonight, I may continue my novel or may write more poetry about a girl waiting for a call from someone she hasn't met yet.

GW

I started my novel I'm happy to say. I'm etching out the skeleton of it first and then I'll start writing the chapters. Hopefully by next week I'll have the skeleton partly finished. I've got earlier exit times on weekends from work so that's huge for me in terms of scavenging for few hours to do my own thing.

I'm making plans to see Derek next fri. I've been giving him empty promises, the poor guy. so hopefully nothing comes up next friday. Because he lives so far away, I think we'll meet halfway. He's an exotic guy. I think he's part Portuguese and part Chinese. It's very cool. I noticed the crowd he hangs out with is a mixed group of people, not just white or chinese.

My English class today was spectacular. I've awakened a passion for writing in my students after forcing them to produce a poem for me during class (it was actually their hw for last night due today). Then after about 5-10 minutes of writing, I asked them to pause so we could move on to something else. It was a struggle b/c they really got into it! They didn't want to stop. Lux said to me that it was easier now that he got it started.

The next activity I had planned for them was to take a look at one of Harris Burdick's mysterious pictures "Mr. Lynden's Library" and create a story for that picture. They liked that but not as much as the poetry writing. I feel like that boy who dexterously pulled the sword out of the rock. This is a huge progress for that class b/c up until now, they really didn't enjoy English.

Tomorrow I'm going to help them polish up their poems so they can enter it into a poetry contest I found that happens 3 times a year. My one problem in that class is one boy cannot seem to open up his imagination. He barely write 3 sentences in 15 minutes for the story writing activity. He's my next challenge. I've got to find a way to break that barrier that's hindering him. It's like he's got a permanent writer's block.

On another note, I've always wanted to try out an activity for one of John Mayer's song "New Deep" as a satire study and I got my chance last weekend with my grade 12 kids. There's nothing on the web for it so I'm just trying out something new.

I'm excited to have the bbq but a little anxious about how Habs and I are going to pull it off. I'm still debating about whether we should have it at my house or the beach. It's going to be a bitch transporting our stuff to the beach whereas if it's at my house, we won't have to worry about it. On the other hand, parking is going to be a problem and people coming from far away are going to have trouble finding the place. Also, I don't think those who are just acquaintances to me will feel comfortable in someone else's house. After all, Habs' friends will be coming too.

Hm. I think I'll just stick with the beach.

GW

Like a silly fan, I mailed John M a rather-unsilly msg through his blog. I surfed for info on his bio and read comments of people that were blatantly not a fan of his him or his music. It was kind of a surprise to know of people NOT liking JM. But quite honestly, he did lose some of his respectability when he started to gallivant around with hollywood girls. His music says one thing but his actions say another. I guess this is his "New Deep", you silly silly boy. I wish he was more like that temporary group Fly. They were low-profile. I didn't expect it of him at all.

Anyway, I'm writing more poetry--in fragments. It's my timid approach. I can't make the whole. I'm afraid it won't be me. When I have one finished, I'll write it here.

My favourite student returned for the summer. I better choose my words carefully from this point forward. We live in such a paranoid world. He is a really sweet sweet boy--well hardly, he's a grown freakin man, in his last year before going to univ. I really like him as a student. There's an honesty about him that is so genuine. He's hard-working and always sees the good results of his hard work but at the same time, he also gives thanks to those that helped him. A sincere thanks, the kind where you know they mean it. Some ladies would say, if only I was 6 years younger then I would date him, but six years ago, we didn't have this perspective. We lived our lives in half-hour segments. Despite what others say and despite the fits of nostalgia that I seem to have, those WEREN'T good times.

So now my sundays are looking brighter than they were at the start of summer (I have less classes so I leave earlier now). I can't wait for August. There's going to be lots of activity.

GW

Still no progress made on that book but I'm planning it out in my head if that counts.

Days are looking brighter. It's an effort sometimes. FG came back from DC yesterday and he mailed me yesterday evening. How sweet that he would reply to me so fast. I've never said this about any guy that I went out with but ... no, I won't say it. But there definitely is something unmistakable about FG, something totally right.

I caught something at the beach last week, was horribly sick all week and I'm just getting back to my reg self. That cold took me for a ride. It's been hell. My temper was literally at 0. Someone would kindly ask me how I was feeling and my retort would be, "How do you think I'm feeling? Do I look like I'm feeling okay? Because I'm not."

Or, "Grace, can you do my a favour? I need jabber jabber and jabber jabber."

With a hostile glare "Go stick it up your--"

I haven't spoken to J in the longest time. I've been ignoring his calls. How rude am I but in all honesty, I had temporarily lost my voice and I let him know it via email but he continues to call me anyway. How can I talk to you if I don't have a voice, you idiot? Yesterday he texted me some crap about how he doesn't know how he has gone this far without talking to me without going crazy. Oh, put a cork in it. This is all words to me. He hasn't shown me in any way shape or form that he's crazy about me. He hasn't done anything. How is it that he's going crazy now? Crazy about what? My voice? Because that's the closest thing that he's gotten to. We're still light years away from each other in the intimacy department. What a bunch of crap.

I am so sleep deprived but I can't do anything about it. I have so much work to do. It's piling up again. Thank goodness for Friday, I'm only working a couple of hours.

My bday is coming up and J wants to do something special. I wish he would just forget about it. What could he possible want to do? I'm working that day anyway.

I want to go shopping soon with Habs. I need summer shirts right now. I think we'll go Tuesday or Thursday.

Well, I'm going to catch something good on TV and then go to sleep. Yesterday I saw a cute movie "Getting Played" with Vivica A. Fox. (she sure is) and that other gorgeous girl from "Clueless". I just love love love the last portion of the movie when the two get together. It's so adorable.

GW

I just had to write today. Just look at the date: 07/07/07. Far out...

Well, yesterday I felt like crap to the tenth degree but today I felt much better for no reason at all. And then I rained on that parade by searching for teaching jobs not just in Toronto but also in the states. It's a bitch no matter where I look. I don't know why people are telling me it's better in the states. It's not better. On top of that there's still the stupid hurdle of being registered a teacher under the particular state.

I want to send an application to Taiwan but I want to see if I'll get supply teaching gigs in September. If things look bleak, by February I'm applying overseas.

I had such a sad dream last night. It involved Heri, I don't know why. We were together and living in the states. He was a lifeguard and just got promoted. Lifeguard positions in the states apparently were respectable and was a field where there were opportunities for growth. So Heri got promoted and I was just waiting for him after work as he was putting things away with his partner. Then I watched him go to his locker to put away his things. Heri (in real life) had always been kind of husky but in this dream he seemed to have gained a lot of weight. He also had a female figure from the back. As he was walking away, I knew people were staring and snickering but I didn't care one bit b/c I totally adored him. Then I followed him to a meeting for all the lifeguards and waited outside the door. But it seemed that I had to leave to go somewhere that was preplanned, like out of the city or something. So I called out Heri from his meeting to say our last goodbyes and told him my time's up. Then I mentioned to him that if he got a job in a distant place that I would go with him there. I asked him if he would do the same for me and he said, "Mm...I don't think I would."

"You wouldn't?"

Heri shakes his head.

"Oh."

I remember the feeling of devastation at that moment. Something went wrong. I told him "So this is it. I'll see ya."

"Yeah, see ya."

I didn't know what happened but I felt that it was suddenly over ever so mysteriously. I turned to leave and he turned to enter the meeting room. Just when I reached the exit of the building I thought it wasn't enough to assume that he wasn't interested in me anymore. I needed to hear him say it so I retraced my steps and pulled him out of the meeting. I didn't have the words once we were outside of the meeting room and it was just as well because there was a lot of commotion around us and people jostling us and talking so loud. So I asked to go elsewhere and we opened the door to a room we thought was vacant but turned out there was a class going on there. I simply closed back the door and we both stood outside the door. I was about to begin asking him what's going on but that's when I woke up.

Totally bizarre. I have these dreams where my conscious recalls people from the past that I don't talk to anymore.

I haven't made progress on that novel I spoke of but I think I will this week.

GW

I just had an interesting conversation with my homie. I was complaining to her how everywhere I turn, everyone has seen and been to places and really living life. I can't believe that I'm consumed with worry and anxiety that I can't even enjoy myself. If it weren't for the little momentary and fleeting joys that I have like hearing a joke or completing a dull task, then I think I would have committed suicide by now. How sad, eh? She said that the reason why we put off things like travelling is b/c we have a heightened sense of responsibility. We put the needs of others first and are concerned about the effects of our actions on others. Very true.

I know I complain about this time and time again but this is my life. I live to work. It's pathetic. Isn't it pathetic? There are other workaholics out there but the difference b/w them and me is that some actually enjoy their job so work is another joy for them. For me it's HELL. I can't stand the stuffy environment, I can't stand the annoying kids, I can't stand the pay, I can't stand my boss's frequent guilt trips (he's worried that I may leave), I can't stand the disorganization, I can't stand the incompetent people, I can't stand the precarious attitudes of the people, I can't stand the leaky roof, I can't stand the getto chairs. I just can't stand it. I'm a fucking donkey there.

Oh god, and then of course when I get home time is put on fast forward and before I know it, all I've done is pay bills, shower, eat, watch TV (sometimes), take care of work stuff, then sleep.

I'm going to go seriously think about the going away thing.

Oh yes, there's a fabulous picture I took at the beaches.

I didn't go on the trip to Quebec as planned. Decided I'd be a big party pooper. I wouldn't enjoy myself but nevertheless, I'm having fun in other more local ways. J and I went shopping on Friday (emphasis on the I b/c only I shopped). I think he didn't want to make a hasty decision on clothes right away. I showed him a fantastic store called MEXX. It's got the classiest clothes for men and the clothes are of high quality so you don't mind the price much. He said he's going back there this weekend.

On the drawback of that day was J was completely lacking in intimacy, for lack of a better word. He never tried to touch me or grab my hand. He didn't flirt at all. In fact, a few times when we were weaving our way through the cars in the parking lot, he didn't even walk the same path I did; he sometimes went off through different cars. What the hell is that? And then when I was trying on clothes, he went off again and didn't even give me his opinion. I felt like he was my brother. Only my brother wouldn't care to give me his opinion. Weird huh? He was very timid all day. I'm so tired of it. Why can't he grow up and be a man?

I'm not sure what to do b/c on the other hand, he's trying to make an effort in being thoughtful and giving me things I like like that day, he gave me a flashdrive with over 100 songs he gathered for me. Then when we were at the camera store, he tried to persuade me to let him buy it so that it can be his birthday gift for me. I told him to get out of here. I'm unwilling to accept these little things from him b/c it's just making him think that I want to pursue things with him when really I don't anymore. I just want him close to me as a friend, b/c without a doubt, he's a fantastic friend. What do I do?

While we were there, we happened to pass the Sony store and guess who bought a camera after 2 years? ME! I was on cloud #9 that day. It is the most amazing camera. I can do anything with it. It even has a video recording function; I can record for about 30 min. I just love it. I put up a few pics on facebook. I love that I can take black and white as well as sepia pictures.

J and I had made plans to see the movie "Nancy Drew". You can guess who's request that was. I wonder who's bright idea it was to make a movie for the wonderful series I grew up reading. I'm going to feel like a 12 year old all over again! But I had to differ it because I went grocery shopping Saturday afternoon and then cooked so I felt terribly tired (and reluctant as per the info I reported earlier). I had to cancel on him. He wants to reschedule for Monday but I don't think that's going to happen.

While I was there at the mall and before I went grocery shopping, I went window shopping. I went into a shoe store (they renovated their store) and bought a pair of black shoes for work and a nice subdued gold shoes with kitten heels. I have a pair like it in black. They're the equivalent of a black dress--it's a staple. I met one of my old high school friends there. She told me she was buying shoes for her sister's wedding which is next week (I already knew that).

Tonight I'm going to church and then Monday afternoon (I forgot what time we were supposed to meet already!) I'm going to meet up with my home girl, Habs, to check out a beach. We are planning to throw a BBQ for nothing special--just a get-together.

On a side note, I'll just mention that I met a pretty swell guy through facebook. He's actually a childhood friend of Habs. It's funny how it started. I just added him as a friend from someone else's list and struck up a conversation with him. He didn't think it was weird so he replied and we're still talking since Wednesday. I've taken a liking to him b/c he's from the same country as me. I talked to Habs about it and she just confirmed what I already suspected--that he's really a genuine down-to-earth person. He lives in the west end (pretty far from where I am) so that's kinda a bust. But there's a function happening at the beginning of August so I'm hoping to see him there.


PS-Sony W80, where have you been all my life?

GW