Diary of a Wom'n

The LTO I spoke about earlier is mine - although officially it won't be mine until I serve 10 days.  The admin seems to think positively of me, on account of the raving reviews I got from Courtney.  You were "highly-recommended" is their catch phrase for me.  I'm glad but I'm concerned that they may have a deviated picture of me - I think they think I'm some wonder-woman who can create razzle-dazzle in the classroom.  But I'm not an entertainer - I'm a diligent, hard-working teacher.  And I'll go over and beyond for my kids.

So, anyway, how is the new job going?  Let's see...I work from 7.45 am to 8.30 pm straight, I have zero resources for my kids, 5 hrs of sleeping time maximum, the kids are starting to irritate me, I don't know what the hell I'm doing, and I'm constipated.  The past few days have been bru-tal.  Today I wondered if I bit off more than I can chew and seriously considered backing away from this job.

But then I thought, it's only been my third day.  It's always hard the first couple of weeks.  After a while, I'll get into the swing of things.  Sure I'll make mistakes here and there, I'll annoy a lot of teacher's by asking them too many questions or borrowing their resources frequently, get black-listed by kids who decide they don't like me, and maybe I may fall down the stairs occasionally, but in the end, I'll be a better and more seasoned person.  I'll no longer be a rookie.

I planned to write reflections about my students' behaviour and any anecdotal references that would be useful for parent-teacher conferences, when discussing students with the principal or vp, or just for my own record keeping, but I literally have no time to do so.  It's 9.53 pm as we speak.  I only got home 45 min. ago.  I still haven't eaten or got myself organized for tomorrow or typed out what I had planned to do for tomorrow.

I wish I can give more details as to what else has been going on but it'll have to wait until the weekend.

GW

I'm loving Al Green's music right now.  One of my favourites is "I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry".  Here are the lyrics:

Did you hear that lonesome whippoorwill
He sounds too good to fly
The midnight train whining low
I'm so lonesome I could cry, cry

Did you ever seen a night so long
When time goes crawling by
The moon just went behind a cloud
And I'm so lonesome that I feel I could cry, I could cry

Did you see, ever see a robin weep
When leaves begin to die?
Like me he's lost the will to live
And I'm so lonesome I could cry
[Incomprehensible] I could cry

The silence of a falling star
Lights up a purple sky
And as I wonder, wonder where you are
I'm so lonesome I could cry, cry, I could cry

And as I wonder, wonder where you are
I'm so lonesome I could cry
If you let me, oh no
[Incomprehensible]
I wonder where you are
I'm so lonesome I could cry
It seems to me
I'm so lonesome I could cry
I could cry, I could cry

GW

So where does my confidence lie?  I suppose it lies in my capabilities in my job.  I know I do my job well, I may not be perfect but I'm committed and will go the distance every time.  The returns are 10-fold when I see the looks of the students that I supply teach brighten when they see me or when I hear comments like, "Miss. Grace, you're a great teacher".  That knowledge gives me confidence.

If I had a boyfriend/husband, I know I would also find confidence and strength through him.  I would feel supported and that emotionally, I'd be stronger when dealing with stressful situations.

I could sure use a boyfriend right now.  I'm nervous as hell.  I'm starting a potential LTO tomorrow.  It's starting off as just supply teaching for 2 weeks straight but on the 11th day it'll turn into an LTO but whether I get the LTO all hinges on the critical fact that the VP and principal like me and the job I do and if they feel I suit the school.  Otherwise, at the end of that 2-week period or 1-week even, they can decide to choose somebody else for the job.  And legally, they have to interview at least 5 people before deciding on one.  Although I do have a leg up on all those interviewees as they will have seen my work, it could go either way.  It's a possibility that they could like somebody else.

This is how I came to get this opportunity.  Courtney told me about it and said that an LTO teacher is needed who could teach Gr. 8 Science and core subjects at another school.  I told him I'm all for it so he asked for my resume and he passed it off to the VP of that school who had requested for a teacher.  Then the following evening, I got a call from the VP to ask if I'm interested and that I can start on Monday.  He also said to arrange for my other supply teaching assignments at the other schools to be canceled so that I can work at this school for the rest of the week.

I'm confident that he'll like my work ethic.  I think after I get through the first day, I'll be just fine.  I think this is just first-day nerves.

This evening I took a walk down Port Union by Lake Ontario.  What a gorgeous little site it is.  The spot where the big rocks are is my favourite.  During the day when the sky is blue and the horizon is clear, you could sit on the rocks for hours.  It's quite peaceful and serene.  I'd like to go back there during the day.  This evening was nice too but there aren't many lights to brighten the place.  Also, the water was a bit foggy.  You couldn't see far out into the lake.

I know who would absolutely love this spot - Tristan.  I ought to show him this place.


GW

As I was driving home today, I wondered about something.  Some people are teeming with confidence whereas others have absolutely none.  For those that do have a lot of confidence, where does that confidence come from?  What is the source?  Are they just born with it?

I've read (in an article that discussed the pros of high-heeled shoes) that woman can get a boost of confidence just by wearing high-heeled shoes.  Their back is straighter and their posture is more solid.

I noticed also some people, men or women, find their source of confidence in a partner; a boyfriend, husband, life partner.  Knowing that they aren't facing the world on their own makes them more confident.

Some get it from their sense of independence.  This would apply to those that just left their nest and are beginning to make their own decisions, rules and flesh out a map for their life.

Those who have had an admirable number of years of education accompanied by degrees would probably find confidence in their own aptitude, accomplishments and their status gained through education.

Men and women who work hard to be physically fit find their source of confidence in their physical appearance.  Knowing that the image they present to the world is a beautiful one gives them that confidence.

Where does my confidence lie?  I'll have to think about that one and get back to you.

GW

I changed my blog template once again.  The other template had glitches unfortunately.  And I really liked that old design with the scrappy pictures and notebook.

Yesterday I had a serious writer's block.  I didn't feel like writing nor did I know what to write about.  I hate those days.  It's like the light in my mind was switched off.

I met a woman last school year at JB who creates jewelry as a part-time gig to sustain her during times she didn't have much work as her line of work is sporadic.  I wondered if she made any money in it - the items didn't look that great.  I didn't want to ask.  And then a few days ago, I browsed through Walmart and I realized why some people make jewellery.  There were rows and rows of beautiful beads, charms and other trinkets that you can coordinate to create your designs.  The beauty of it all wasn't so much making big money, although that would be nice, but rather, the joy of creating a piece of art.  The possibilities of what you can design are endless.  I was so tempted to pick up a few items but I don't even have the basic know-how of creating jewellery so I opted to learn the basics first and then try my hand at it.

I talked to Tristan last night.  I can't even explain my feelings for him.  In so many ways, he's just like Justin, except in some areas, Tristan might even be worse.  He's extremely shy, lives with his parents, doesn't appear to have particular goals at the moment, he's slow to act on things (he didn't sign on to facebook yet, or has commented on my site) and if it matters, I think he's a virgin.  He's not the type to fool around with girls.  Should that be a good thing?

But there isn't a doubt, he's got that something.  He's got such depth to his soul, I can't explain it.  He always wants to know more about the person he talks with, always asks the right questions, always ponders about profound matters, always says your name before he says good-bye.

Oh I need help.

GW

I taught 2 days so far at Joseph Brant. It's been great so far. The grade 8s have matured a bit, except for a few: Shomar, Shaniya, Jamila, Chris and some others I can't recall. But they are all largely good kids.

I've added a countdown timer to count down the days left until I visit Eritrea. At that point I'm going to start a travel blog.

Today's entry is going to be a short one.

GW

Yesterday was my first day of supply teaching! And what a relief it was! It was a fantastic day. I had a student teacher from York University, Julie, in the class. She's a wonderful person, I can't say enough great things about her. She has such a warm, down-to-earth personality. And she's had a ton of international experience teaching and travelling. She got to explore different countries, meet a lot of different people, and learn a lot about the different education systems out there. I was floored when she talked about all the places she's been to (South Korea, Costa Rica, parts of Africa, India, Sri Lanka, Taiwan, Japan, China, Indonesia... and the list goes on!) And she's only 31.

She had a lot of things to tell but alas, there are only so many hours in the day. She talked about how different the culture is in South Korea from that of Canada where the people there are more rigid, abrasive, and how they take criticism as attacks to their personality. They are closed minded, for lack of a better word. The children there are also heavily pushed academically and with extra-curricular activities. For example, after a grueling series of academic classes, children are shuffled off to ballet classes, music classes, ti-kwon-doe classes and the like. Parents want their children to be well-rounded. The downside to this though is that children have no down time at all for themselves. They are always working, studying, practicing or doing something. Every minute of every day is accounted for. Julie said that the kids don't even have time to eat properly. She often sees them on the bus quickly eating street food on their way to their next violin practice. It seems that family together time is of little priority. When Julie told me that Korea has the second highest suicide rate, second to Japan, I wasn't surprised. The youths there are pushed way too much to excel and it's impeding other areas of development such as learning how to cope, learning how to socialize, learning how to accept failure and then get back on their feet.

Something very shocking that Julie also noted was that Koreans condone plastic surgery. The majority of them have done some kind of minor work on their faces or bodies. The most common procedure is eye surgery. Koreans wish to have eye lids like those of non-Asian decent. In fact, one of her students in elementary school was encouraged by her mother to get her eyes done!

Koreans also don't honour contracts. In Canada, what's written in a contract is binding. In fact, when a disagreement occurs, the contract is the police, lawyer, and judge. But in Korea, managers only volunteer to adhere to the articles of the contract, he's not obligated to honour the contract. That's dangerous. And fraudulent.

I asked her about Sri Lanka. She said she liked it and enjoyed experiencing the lifestyle. She said it was a little scary as she faced men with machine guns at every check point checking documentation and asking questions.

She didn't like India that much and she said she may not return as a tourist but perhaps as someone who will help out the society of the poor. She didn't like the extreme and violent poverty that exists there. The most devastating of all, children, even babies are kidnapped, held captive and taken to the streets to beg for money. The kidnappers of course take what the children collect. It was very hard to hear this.

She said she would like to teach abroad again but would like to see what opportunities come up for her here in Toronto first. I will definitely keep in contact with her.

The grade 6 students at Morrish this year were so fantastic. I love them. It's still a big class (37 students!) but they are a sweet bunch of kids. They are respectful, cooperative, and so pleasant as children. To get them to be quiet, all I have to do is say shhhhh and a blanket of silence will gradually settle over them. It's wonderful. I hope I return real soon!

GW

Earlier I mentioned that Justin and I got into a fight. To recap, he pledged to accompany me to my friend's wedding a few Sundays ago. We even shopped for new outfits together for it. Well, Sunday rolls around and I still don't hear from him.

When does he call? Midnight. I was mad as hell. I refused to talk to him for two weeks although he consistently called me every night to try to talk.

Finally he wrote me an email msg filled with the most confusing metaphors and allusions. By the time I finished reading, I'd hoped it would all make sense to me like a puzzle but it didn't. I was confused and pissed because I only understood one line throughout the meaningless drivel in which he apologized for not attending the wedding with me. I thought, gee thanks for that one line.

Anyway, I emailed him back and explained that he has a problem with being passive. I told him that he's not good at solving problems at all when it comes to friends and that he'd rather hide like a scared turtle until he feels its safe to come out into the world. That way, he doesn't have to confront the problem and by then the problem will have "went away". Obviously that's not how the world works.

Well, the end of the story is that we're talking but I don't think he's going to change anytime soon. He's pretty stuck in his passive ways. He doesn't take much charge of his life or make any contributions to the world. He's the type that waits for things to happen or hopes someone else will take care of it. He can be a huge disappointment at times. I seriously doubt he'll ever get married. I think he's going to follow in his older brother's footsteps and live at home with his parents for the rest of his life.

GW

Yesterday I was on the hunt for vintage rings that resemble the one I have but these are the closest ones I could find.





I love this one with the black ribbon circling the middle. And the band has interesting detail.









This one is a bit plain but very classy and understated. I like that the diamonds run along the band as well.









This one is my favourite. It resembles mine the most. I love that the diamond clusters are small and they are encased in the metal which acts as a border. I love that it looks like a flower. And I love how there is a space between the centre diamond and the clusters - they're not all melded together. When it's like this, they show their individual beauty.








How unique to pair a pearl and diamonds in a ring. But it looks dazzling. The pearl almost looks like a big diamond. The pearl in the middle seems to signify purity and chastity to me.










I think this one looks very vintage.





This one is a show-stopper. Very unique and ornate. But I don't like the way the band splits when it nears the front (just like the previous ring) although it suits this ring perfectly. I'm not a fan of this style of band.






This one has to be my second favourite. It has more diamonds than mine and the centre diamond is larger than the rest. I think this is an Edwardian style ring. Again, this one looks like a flower, which I love.








This one is gorgeous. The picture is a bit small but you can see the simplicity of the band and the ornate setting of the stone clusters.









This one is called diamond daisy.  So pretty.  This one looks a lot like mine.  It has almost the same number of diamonds on the outside.







What I love about all these rings is that they are so feminine. They are perfect for anybody who wants to complement their hands and fingers. They're not for the modern chick. I would love to buy these rings but unfortunately, jewelry shops today mostly hold modern or tacky jewelry, not so much special rings from different eras. For now, I'll just admire these pictures and the one vintage diamond ring I have. I'll have to take a picture of it and post it here.

GW

A conversation I had with Courtney gave me a deeper understanding into his values and his perspective on life. First of all, he's very sexually active - makes me wonder if he is at all concerned about contracting anything or whether he gets tested regularly. Well, we got to talking about sex and he tells me that he won't marry a woman unless he knows how she is in bed - to quote him, "You won't buy the ride unless you've taken a test drive".

Hm. I didn't know where to begin to debate this one. This can't be the mentality of all men. It can't be.

Maybe it's just different for women. There's more at stake for us. In addition to STDs there's accidental pregnancy. How do you fix that without any moral repercussions? You can't.

Going back to what Courtney said - it's attitudes like that that push naive women to give in to a man and not think of the consequences; women who have no self-control; women who are insecure. Sadly, this will always be the case. Some women will never have been taught their worth growing up, and as adults, will never know their own worth.

Losing a man over sex doesn't phase me one bit. Him, I can get back. If I lose me, I'm gone for good.

GW

A few days ago, I handed my boss a document and said to him, "This might be really good to use for our upcoming math contest". He started leafing through it and looking at the questions and said some things.

Then he says, "Hmm, you know, we could use this for our math contest".

No, really? Because that's NOT what I just said.

GW

The following dialogue brooches the topic of forgiveness which I found to be very beautiful. It's from Diaries of a Mad Black Woman.

Mytle: You know I know this man put a hurtin' on you baby, but you've got to forgive him. No matter what he done, you've got to forgive him - not for him, but for you.

Helen: Forgive him for me?

Myrtle: When some body hurts you they take power over you, if you don't forgive them then they keeps the power. Forgive him baby and after you forgive him, forgive yourself.

For a long time, I didn't understand what Myrtle meant that they "take power over you". I considered forgiving a person, especially if they don't deserve it, as condoning what they did and denying that person's responsibility of hurting you.

I get it now. Although it might be more accurate to say that the feelings of hurt the person causes you takes power over you - not necessarily the person himself but rather the hurt and the resentment that they cause. For example, a person who betrays you might cripple your ability to trust (if you let it) or a man who turns his back on you might make you resent all men in the future (again, if you let it). Forgiving the person really means letting go of that particular situation and preventing it from interfering with your other relationships and interactions. You don't have to continue to have them in your life - just forgive them, let go of the grudge and move on.

It's so much easier said than done I can tell you that. In my case for example, I could never forgive the woman I share a house with. How do you forgive someone who from the moment you were born reminds you that they hate being a mother? Who never once uttered the words, "You did a great job" and instead chose to be a bitter, spiteful, nagging, rude, unappreciative, miserable, belly-acher, critical, make-you-want-to-kill-yourself kind of a bitch? How do you forgive that? You can't. If there was one exception to the "forgive" rule, it's this one. You can't forgive a failure of a mother.

GW

The following are the tasks I've completed (or will complete by the end of Saturday). I won't be doing certain things I wrote below so in the next few days, I'll have a new to do list for the rest of 2009.

1. purchase select eritrean movies
2. write out the 2 love stories
3. review resume and begin to fill in LTO forms and apply for LTOs
4. write and send letter to QECO
5. review SFE
6. organize basement bookshelf
7. buy a dress for Sancha's wedding
8. book dental appt for some time in October
9. finish collecting resources from the summer AQ course
10. see the doctor about skin
11. shopping for clothes
12. buy a new computer system
13. start a photo blog photo site
14. find an organization system for my shoes
15. draw up a business plan
16. make a list of requirements for MEd.
17. type out TDSB interview questions

GW

I changed the html of my blog. Although everything looks nice, I don't like that the dashboard is missing. This means I have to constantly open a new page to access the dashboard to simply make a new post entry. Looks nice though.

GW

I had a beautiful night today with Tristan. We went to main street, just off of highway 7. There is this quaint little town there that's so unlike the rest of the city. It's delightfully European. You feel like you've stepped onto the streets of Paris. I loved it. He took me to a secluded area by the pond. We sat on the steps and gazed up at the moon and Jupiter (there weren't that many stars in the sky) drinking our star bucks hot chocolate. It was a chilly night so it was just what we needed. Sitting on the stones, we talked about the magnitude of human capability to achieve extraordinary things and what's to come. We wondered if science will ever reach the point where we will discover God and where he lies. Man has come this far so it's a possibility. We talked about his old home by the waters up north and how much he missed being so close to nature and the peaceful environment. We talked about his parents' separation last year and how his dad is not taking it very well. We talked about his future and if he'll find a career after finishing his MFA that he truly loves.

He's so unlike the other men I've been with. Over dinner, he told me that he takes after his mom in the way she is soft-hearted and gentle. Tristan is incredibly gentle and sweet. We didn't kiss tonight or let our sexual energy take control. Tonight he gave me something more; he gave me his heart.

While we were walking towards the pond, my shoe started hurting me so he took off his shoes and gave them to me to wear while he walked without shoes, only his socks, over gravel, pavement and wet grass. He carried my shoes in one hand and his hot chocolate in the other. Could I have asked for more? On our way back, I suffered with him and endured the journey without shoes too.

Today I got to thinking, Tristan is the type of person you can love for his soul, for his strengths and his weaknesses, for his positive traits and his flaws. You can love him if he was a CEO or coffee guy, a successful businessman or a starving artist. He's so human. You can love him no matter what b/c when you see him you'll only see his beautiful human spirit.

I'm so close to the edge with him right now, if he pushes me I'm going to fall.
GW

It’s been nearly a week since J and I spoke. He called me a few times and texted me this: I miss you sooooo much. He probably figures that I’m very upset with him but the truth is, the issue is between him and himself. It’s beyond my disappointment with him. The fact of the matter is, he has a childish way of dealing with situations that make him feel uncomfortable or that he doesn’t want to deal with – essentially he ignores them and hopes they disappear. Children do that; they hide under their covers and hope the monsters go away by the time they pull themselves out of their covers again. But we’re not children anymore. We’re adults and our problems aren’t going to go away simply by hiding under the covers. We have to confront them, deal with them and reject fears of disappointing or upsetting others – in other words, utilize our problem-solving skills.

I’m not upset with him for letting me down and not coming through the night I needed him, but rather making me believe I can count on him. He didn’t bother to call me to let me know about our plan; he didn’t give me the chance to ask somebody else to go with me. He just ignored me and hoped I would disappear along with my reliance on him for that night. I guess he got what he wanted. I have disappeared from his life.

GW

Out of the blue yesterday, I suddenly recalled a memory of Tristan. A couple of times in the class that we shared, I caught him looking at me. I thought it was the cutest thing. I remember thinking someone like him couldn’t possibly be interested in me. He was so good-looking. However, I don’t remember having significant interest in him even with the possibility of him being interested in me. I suppose since it was my last year of school, my thoughts were always consumed with other things such as teacher’s college and perhaps I was already dating someone at the time. I probably also doomed myself into thinking he would never date me. Whatever it was, I know I didn’t give myself the chance to have strong feelings for him. It’s nice to recall this memory of him though.

GW