Diary of a Wom'n

5 months later, I'm still where I was in March. I had the most saddest dream last night. Isaac and I were at some kinda lecture and we were sitting together and just flirting, every now and then, we had the admiration of those around us. I think the lecturer herself put her attention on us and said something to us, and the rest of the audience giggled and looked at us fondly. At one point, I was feeling his leg where he did the operation and he didn't have his leg brace on anymore. He had healed already. You can imagine how I felt when I woke up. I didn't leave my bed until 11.30, I was so incredibly miserable.

I don't understand why I'm dreaming about him. This isn't the first time, it happens frequently. It's not that I want him back into my life, I just really miss him. We just ended it so abruptly, I didn't get any closure. We didn't fight, or have a solid last good-bye talk or anything.

God, you have no idea how much I miss him. Sometimes, when I'm talking really fast to my guy friends, I almost call them by his name but I catch myself before I do it. I'm sick, aren't I?

Getting over him has been really difficult. How can I possibly do this with someone else? I finally understand it why people write encouraging songs about being able to love again. Some pple need to hear that, but for me, it all sounds like this: crap. I will NEVER let myself love someone the way I let myself love Isaac. Mark my words. It will never happen.

Remember that guy I bumped into last year? Well his name is Joel (not his legal name, apparently). But he and I have gotten close. There's a whole crazy story behind him that'll have to wait for another time but basically, he's becoming a really good friend. We are going out this saturday. I can't wait. I want him to tell me more about his life and I want to tell him about mine and give me good advice. I want to see his child also who has the perfect name on earth: Jordan!

Well, my novel has shaping up. I changed the idea totally since the last time I mentioned it here. It's better now, and more succinct.

I'm on the occasional teacher roster but my profile hasn't been updated yet, so I'm waiting for that to happen. I think it'll take another 2 weeks. Then I'll be getting calls (daily, I hope) for supply teaching jobs (and making more money than I didn't think was possible).

My braces are on and in the next few weeks, I'm pulling 3 teeth out. After that, I'll start seeing my teeth moving into their proper places. I really can't wait for it.

At work, we've done renovations to give more space in the office. I'll have my own working space now, not that it was really necessary.

Last, the sponsorship application is in and I can't wait for this process to get going and have TWF come to Canada.

Oh, in case you were keeping score, now everyone, every single one I knew, is married.

Is it weird that I am looking forward to winter? Wasn't it winter just yesterday?

GW

The long weekend has come and gone. It was much too short. I can't say the same thing about winter. It has been relentless this year.

I'm so excited about the novel I'm writing. I've completed the outline chapter by chapter of the major details and the development of the plot. It is going to be too cool when I publish it!

Also, about a month ago I booked an appointment with an ortho that only does braces. He explained the process and what needs to be done thoroughly. His office was so grand and filled with goodies and tech devices. We were looking at my tooth on our first consultation. It was so cool, except for the fact that we were looking at a magnified picture of my crooked, but surprisingly white, teeth. If there's one redeeming quality about them, it's that they're pearly white, thank god. The awful news, though I braced myself for it, was that I have to extract 3 perfectly good teeth! Well, it could have been worse. He could've told me my jaw is too weak, or my gums are no good, which he didn't. I'm going through with it. Because I know I'm going to love the results in the end. The whole thing will cost me about 5500. I could've gotten it done for less by another dentist but I'm confident in this ortho. He has more experience. And his office is much better looking and cleaner!

My online AQ is going fine so far, although I don't quite dig the disarray of assignments. They're posted everywhere and proper due dates are not given to each of them so I'm a little confused as to the schedule of the assignments. I'm going to go with the flow for now and do as much as I can early on. I'm mesmerized by my peers who've, most of them, gone everywhere and seen so much. A few are actually in an Asian country right now at international schools.

In a few months I can count myself a traveller too b/c I'm going to East Africa in June. I'm excited about the trip.

Char's engagement is in a couple of weeks; April 12 which means I have to take a day off work and buy clothes for that...geez louise.

Apart from all of that, I'm doing okay.

A couple of days ago, the most eerie thing happened. I checked out my horoscope the day after Isaac and I spoke on the phone and it said I am feeling anxious lately and trying to deal with a problem that's just not resolving no matter what and something about looking to my dreams for a timely message.

Then, that night I dreamt a man telling me that just because people say good-bye to each other, it doesn't mean they'll never be together again later on. Isn't that interesting? Not just the fact that I got the well-advised message but I was cryptically told that I'll be getting a message? It was so spooky. Anyway, that made me rethink a little bit.

Maybe that's what Isaac was trying to tell me, to let it go and come back to it when things are less complicated and overwhelming for both of us. It's something like going on a break. But I'm not naive, things never return to the way things were. They always change. That's why I truly don't want that. I hate the idea of starting all over with somebody else. I made Isaac so much part of my life. I discuss him with my dad, we planned to get married someday, and have children, and move away to wherever he's stationed last. I feel like I'm losing a best friend. It's going to be hard to deal with this for a while. I'll have to write here often to just unload my thoughts and avoid being truly depressed.

I'm still waiting for his reply but I think he's already made up his mind but since he's Mr. "mutual" he wants me to get on board and be mutual about it.

Maybe things will turn out differently. Maybe after reading my message, he'll realize that at 34, he can't keep running away from somebody that wants to love him, from a life he wants to have someday, that he can't allow his career to dominate the entire spectrum of his life. It's ludicrous and isn't that what drives people insane eventually?

Whatever. Before we can discuss his ability/willingness to continue our relationship, he really needs to put some of my doubts to rest. I'm not totally sure he wants to be with me, period. In my mind, I feel like he's using his job as an excuse to "let it go". I probably would've done the same damn thing if I didn't want to be with him anymore. I'd have told him his job is putting a major crink in our relationship and I can't go down this road anymore. His major insensitivity or my fear about what my friends would say about his looks would NEVER come up. I would keep him ignorant to that fact to spare his feelings.

That's probably what he's doing with me. Although, he did say that he wishes to let it go, not b/c there's a problem in our relationship. He said there was no problem at all. Then later he says letting go will ease some "uncertainty" we have. That's what triggered the doubts in me and prompted me to write him what I did. Then again, he does say a lot of things that come out wrong.

I just need him and me to communicate right now and come to terms on something. Because I'm running out of horoscopes to read and hours to sleep. I really hope it all turns out for the better in the end no matter what we decide to do. But I can't lie; it doesn't just hurt thinking about the idea of letting him go, it friggin' cuts like a knife.

Do you know when it's most unbearable for me? It's in the mornings when my dad isn't home to talk to. It's in the late nights when I come home from work and I waste the hours away watching Cold Case and Fraser and Seinfeld on the couch until 2 in the morning by myself. It's on the weekend nights when I'm driving around town to my tutoring sessions. It's when I close my eyes before I go to sleep. It's a sick wretched feeling.

I've got a lot to do but I feel my energy level plummeting really fast. Yesterday I did absolutely nothing once I got home. I just watched TV and went to sleep. I meant to do some writing on my book, I even had the binder and my pens and pencils next to me.

Isaac called a couple of days ago while he was at work. He threw another bombshell at me. He's being sent somewhere for duty for the next two months. He's leaving tomorrow. From there, he's going straight to his military training that starts in June and will finish the first part in September. That means we won't see each other until then--September. And even then, it will be very brief because he has to his second part of the training and then by about early 2009, he'll be deployed to the middle east.

We talked about maybe letting go of our relationship right now and wait until things have settled with him a bit and see where we are later down the road. He said it will hurt but maybe that's what we should do. He thinks it's going to be extremely difficult, almost pointless to continue when we won't even be able to talk to each other and we both have so much going on in our lives. He said that would not be fair to me, to make me wait.

I don't know how I feel about this. He gave me his email and asked me to think about it and write him. I wrote to him the day after we talked. I was a little harsher than I intended but the message was out. Here it is;

- - - -
Isaac

My heart wants to believe everything you tell me but my mind knows better. I think there are some things that you're not telling me and I say that because the last Friday that I saw you, you said you had a lot of things to say and had it all laid out in your head but that all disappeared when you saw me. I didn't push the subject because you said all the right things I wanted to hear.

You always tell me that you don't want to tell me what to do as I may regret it later. I don't want to tell you what to do either so now I'm telling you to be totally honest with me. Tell me what you really wanted to say. Tell me you're not using your job as an excuse to part ways. You have to be frank with me here. You can't give me wrong information. I will be a clueless fool otherwise.

The thing that made me conclude to this is in the beginning, you told me what I'd be facing with your job. You told me to expect long months of not talking or seeing each other and other worse evils. I did think about it and then I accepted it. It's not taking a toll on me. But it looks like the tables have turned; now I'm convincing you to accept it and be okay with it. That seems weird. I should be the one who tells you I can't handle it.

If I'm wrong about this, then it leads me to another thought; Don't you think it useless to be involved with someone just to split with them when your job takes you away for a while? What's the point then? With me or any other person you go out with? Why not be single for the rest of your life? Your job can't keep governing your personal life. That's something you have to examine. It's not your job that's the problem, it's your ability to hold on to those 2 things at the same time. THIS is what's unfair--not the fact that you'll be making me wait.

All you need to hear from me is that I'm okay with waiting for you, however many months you have to go away. I can't freak out every time your job takes you away, that wouldn't be wise. If I had a problem with it, believe me I would tell you. You are worth it to me Isaac. There's no question about it. I know being so far away is hard and you going to here and there will be harder but it's not like we didn't see it coming from before. This isn't something I'm going to resent you for. I'm also trying to get myself in order here too. so we've both got things going on but that's life. Something will be going on all the time.

Think about this; breaking up isn't like going on a break, it's going separate ways, it's moving on with our lives. It's another kind of committment where we'll decide to put each other out of our minds for good. It's a permanent thing. There's no way we can look each other up and see how things are a year or two from now. We can, but I'm not sure if I could go back to it. I would always wonder when you're going to split again. I'd be reluctant to trust you. This sounds harsh but you understand what I'm trying to say here? I think going on a break instead is better--we'd have to do that whether we wanted to or not b/c of the situation. But at least we're not saying goodbye forever to each other.

But on the other hand I also don't want you to hold on to us just to make me happy or to avoid hurting me. I can't be the thing that weighs you down Isaac. Think of yourself first and how much you're able to handle or willing to handle. Maybe it's more a question of; is it fair to you, to be in a relationship you can't really afford the time for. But on the same note, when will you ever have the time? This is your life now.

I can convince you to stay together and give you all the assurance in the world you need but if you're not confident in our relationship right now, if your heart isn't in it, then what do I have to hold on to?

So here's the book. Obviously you'll clarify things with me but please just be frank about it and be totally honest. I can take it like a man.

Grace
- - - -

There it was.

Soooooo, what's the adventure for this month? I've no idea.

But to update: Isaac and I had a talk that Friday evening. After talking for hours, to be really honest about it, I don't feel like we came to any conclusion. He came to the table not with the intention to break-up, nor to stay together (according to him). He wanted both of us to decide together. And we decided to stay together. But without solving anything really.

I guess the reason for that is b/c the problem is still hazy to me. I still don't really understand what we're trying to figure out here. For a brief moment, I think I get it, but then I'm right in the dark again.

Well, some things we got on the table is we decided that we should talk very little on the phone (b/c I hate talking on the phone and he hates who I become on the phone). Also because he has a retarded schedule disabling him from calling me during the same hours as before. We decided we should just call to check up on each other but that's it.

Since the Friday of the 29th, we haven't talked once. I called him this past friday b/c I had about 10 minutes before going in to work but my call didn't go through as usual. So I thought he'd see my missed call and call me back later but he didn't. Then on a Sat or a Sun, I msged him on facebook saying hello and filled him in on the rates and routes of the greyhound trip to NY that we planned. I asked for his input on some things. He mails me back at around 2 am to say "hey just got your msg...ttyl" That was it.

And today I find that he pulled his profile page down. And I just realized that I don't have his email. He doesn't have mine either. We just have the phone now.

I don't think I can do this anymore. I can't be in this kind of relationship where one person is perfectly okay with not hearing from the other in weeks. He's used to it because he's in that field of work where he has to go for months at a time and not see any of his friends and family.

It's not his job I'm biased against, it's his attitude, it's the way he can be so easily detached. It makes me feel that he may not really deeply care.

Which leads me to think that (based on what he said on Friday) breaking up may have been a sound idea for him. I think, that that's probably what he wanted until he saw me in person (because he said he lost all his composure and train of thought when he saw me. He said he had everything laid out in his mind and what he was going to say to me but that all got thrown out the window when he saw me. He said, "you're just so damn beautiful". He also said he tried imagining himself going out to a club and talking to another woman but only my image kept coming up. I guess he said everything I wanted to hear.) So now I fear, I may have swung him the other way unwillingly. I think he wanted us to break up on good terms but he couldn't say the words without hurting me. So he's probably with me to avoid the guilt of being the one to break it off. He probably wants to wait until I am at the same level of thought as him so that we can part on mutual terms.

Wow, I think I hit that one on the nail. This was what has been running through my head but now I can actually EXPRESS it.

Here's the pickle. He and I are supposed to take a trip together for the easter holiday to NY and phili to see his parents and rest of the family. He asked if I still wanted to do that the last time I saw him and I told him no, that we should just keep things b/w us for awhile but he pushed it and said we should still do it. I'm wondering if he's got a change of heart here. And as that weekened is nearing, I'm not sure what to do. I already booked some time off work. I'm wondering if I should relinquish those days off and work instead.

I gained back 3 lbs :( I'm going to hit the treadmill the first monday of never. I'm doing stomach workouts infrequently though.

Anyway, let's let this rest until Sunday night, and then I may reconsider working easter monday and tuesday.

GW

Thank you for the lead to whoever gave me the link. Very helpful!

I got another family who wants me to tutor their child. Let me just make a trivial comment here: I've got a 60-hr work week. How in the hell am I going to squeeze this one in? I'll have to think about it. Maybe I can work something out...work 8 days a week instead of 7 maybe?

Last week, (although it feels like 2 weeks ago) I sought advice from relationship experts on the net and I found good things. Of course, you're always insatiable, always asking for more advice. Sharon and Leon were the two I wrote and they both said what I already knew although Sharon said I should really be with somebody more compatible with me b/c as it looks, Isaac and I are very very different. Leon said don't give up on it just yet but don't push.

Then I went to a forum where everyone said to just break up with him. One minute I'd agree with them and the next I'd hesitate b/c these people didn't know the whole story. I like one lady's advice who wrote to me several times. I value hers more than the others.

- - - - - - - -

Today I wrote:

deblgus--

I mean you can't exactly think objectively when you're IN the situation. It's hard to make your heart go cold just like that. it's partly b.c. I had a lot to do with this whole thing (I wasn't an angel here). I pushed him away several times b/c I can be pretty crabby sometimes.

morgan--no he doesn't have a gf, I'm certain about that.

angelw2--I know, I'm like a pendulum clock.

btw, he called and we talked for a bit last night. He has a retarded schedule now. we talked like everything was back to normal, as if the 2-week break didn't even happen (minus the i love yous). he told me he'd done serious thinking over the last little bit...and he even talked to his father about it. his FATHER?! he's coming down this wkend to see me and talk about it together. Here's where I'm stumped---he's either being a real gentleman by breaking up with me in person or he doesn't want to end it, just wants things to change b/w us. I can't imagine somebody driving such a distance to break up (but what do I know. I've never been in a long distance relationship before.)

- - - - - - -

angelw23 (who's 36) wrote:

Just be careful - you're starting to backpeddle ( I pushed him away etc etc.) And while its admirable to see your own faults in the relationship, don't loose sight of the REAL issue - HE'S NOT SURE ABOUT HOW HE FEELS!

And until he is sure - what is the point?

My only advise at this point is to see what he says - don't accept anything less than you deserve - which is him committing to a feeling - whether that be breaking up or sticking with the relationship - but if he sticks with it - then he needs to be IN it - and he can't be IN it unless he's sure how he feels!

- - - - - - -

I DO deserve better. I think I've forgotten myself over the past few weeks. I was willing to settle for him b/c it seemed like the easier thing to do and it felt more secure. At what point did I start shortchanging myself? I've no idea. I'm not okay with breaking up with him. I do care about him, to that I can't lie. But I don't think I could commit to him in the long run. I'd feel really unhappy.

I'll be okay with it eventually. The one I'm looking for is out there. He'll find me eventually. For the moment, I'm going to lose another 5 lbs, finish off that book and decide on an adventure.

Sometimes we really do depend on the kindness and support of strangers. (Blanche says it best.)

GW

I'm still here. Chugging the last of my drinks and shuffling the last of my papers. (It's never the last).

I'm perpetually re-evaluating my life and my goals but yet, never really settling on one thing. I'm almost at the point of accepting the fact that I will NOT attain a permanent teaching job here in Ontario at the rate I'm going. I'm not volunteering at any school nor participating in any of the k-12 events here in the community. In a nutshell, I'm not getting my name out there.

But, it's not because I don't want to. I do want to but I'm working full time right now and I need to take care of my osap loan first before doing anything to dent my cashflow.

I had recently applied to the VIF program in the states and to my dismay and my bruised ego, they could not offer me a place in their program. Gee, I wonder why...could it be the mega-volume of applications coming from unemployed Ontario teachers alone? hmm.

During those fleeting few moments that I'm so lucky to find, I've been working on a grammar book for the intermediate level (about 5-8). It is an exercise book for confusing words. There aren't books like that out there so I may find a spot on the grand market bookshelf. When it comes to book-writing, a kind of energy suddenly stirs and I get excited again. I think that's where my niche is, not in teaching, but in developing and writing books of all kinds.

On the relationship front, Isaac and I are experiencing some turbulance--mostly on his end. He is feeling uncertain about things and we took a few days to sort things out but it didn't amount to much when he called me finally last night. His attempt at trying to "sort it out" came out in convoluted, stream-of-consciousness type of jibber-jabber. I had no idea what he was saying. Or rather, I had some idea but it didn't pertain to the heart of the matter which was how he felt about me. He was so concerned about the future and my parents and his parents and my goals and his goals and my potential resentment of him....and he finally ended with, he just doesn't want to hurt me.

Before we let each other go that night, I told him to forgot about all that other stuff that he's concerned about because those are things we can't ever be sure of in the beginning. It's not something we can sort out right now and come to a definitive answer. The only thing he can be sure of is how he feels about me. And that's really where he should start figuring things out. If he's not sure about that, then everything else is inconsequential.

I wanted to be angry with him for feeling like this but I couldn't bring myself to curse him and be furious with him....to do this to me now? after I already resolved these issues within myself a couple of months ago? What's the deal? Hell yes, I should be mad.

I'm just bracing myself for the worst. That's all I can do.

Tonight, I'm going to push him to talk to somebody (no matter how much he protests this time). Anybody. Even if they don't give him any advice, he should talk out loud about his problems and go through things with someone. Just verbalizing his problems may just bring a kind of resolution that he needs.

If he doesn't come to some kind of reconciliation soon, I'm going to start to get peeved off, I'm pretty certain of it. Right now, I'm okay with it, and letting him dwell on things with or without me, but if it takes too long, I may just have to be the one to say let's not see each other any more.

It hurts just even writing it down.

I'm incredibly busy right lately but I just have to write here before the new year comes...yeah, new year 09, eh?

Isaac and I spent a wonderful night together at a hotel. We fooled around all night long--or at least until 4 am. We had a little blip a few days before Saturday. He was being rather insensitive although I was being a little oversensitive myself. We worked it out fast. I liked that he apologized the next morning.

Yes, he's the one for me.