Diary of a Wom'n

I got my 3 wisdom teeth out and BOY OH BOY was it ever an experience never to be forgotten. It was bru-TAL. It wasn't so much the pain as was all the precaution and the worrying if I was going to get an infection or a dry-socket. I was so distracted by all the worrying I haven't even written here. It was a tough couple of days. I took a week and a half off from work. I enjoyed that part at least.

Since then though, my remaining energy and spirit have dwindled. I'm highly aware that I've lost my drive. This is one long funk that I'm in and I know where the beginning of it was but we won't go there. We'll just wait and see until Novemeber.

It's 1:13am and I'm going back and forth to msn (I know) and to my blog writing frantically. That's what I hate about msn. You're having a nice conversation with one person and suddenly, someone rudely interrupts and when you don't reply immediately, they take offence. Problem is that there's no "do not disturb" indicators on this thing. I haven't been on msn for years and years. I don't think I'll be back on though. Only to speak to Bee since she got off Facebook now.

That mystery guy from facebook continues to email me. It's nice but he's a constant reminder for what happened b/w me and Fil. Mystery man seems nice and I like that's things are still distant b/w us but tonight he suggested we meet for coffee/tea next time he's in Toronto which is probably going to be sooner or later. He seems to be in Toronto frequently. He lives in Kingston but works across the border.

The hell with it. I have to figure out what I'm doing with my life. I've been working on my novel a little more. I realized the reason why I was stuck on it for a while was b/c I wasn't starting off with a problem first. I was starting off with little scenes and ideas and trying to join them together. Now I tried creating a problem and unraveling a story around it. That seemed to work. So I got a problem, I'm still criticizing it though.

Better go to sleep soon. It's already fucking 1.45am.

GW

...but I am. 2 more days until the big day.

Didn't go to the film festival with Haiat. I cancelled on the last minute.

I watched the movie "Cellular" and I loved it. I am now on the prowl for the DVD. I also watched "Anchor Man". Didn't love it as much.

I got a wicked burn on the side of my left hand. It's like a dark strip. It's going to make a nice scar.

Doctor wants to see me on Tuesday. From the blood tests, he found that something is wrong with me and wants to prescribe me something. I had this coming. I'm becoming super lethargic. It's getting worse and worse. Saturday evening, I went to sleep at 9:00pm and woke up 8:45. I was supposed to be in at work at 9am. By a miracle I made it just 5 minutes after the hour. How is it that even after 12 hours of sleep, I still wake up late for work and still be tired? What's happening to me?

GW

I sent Dave Beckerman an email asking him if he's got any books published and it so happens he does but it's sold out. I'm not sure where his books are being sold so I inquired about that. He also told me that he's working on a few books right now, one of which is coming out in a month. I want to get it. He's got my style in photography. That's why I love his work.

I had a few great photo moments but you have to be quick to catch those things. Once while I was waiting for the light to turn green in my car, in front of me an old chinese lady and a young chinese lady were crossing the streets in opposite directions and they crossed each other right in front of me! It was striking.

Another time, a father and his son were doing tai-chi and the son was imitating the father. At one point they were crouching on the grass and the son was crouching too a second later. It was too cute.

Okay, I'm going to try something new tonight: I'm going to sleep at 12.30 and then see if I can wake up at 8.30 like I tried this morning. I've wrapped myself into such a bad bad habit for so long. This has got to stop.

GW

Got back from the doc. I didn't talk to him about my throat infection. I just had him do the physical and fax it over. I also went to do a blood test in the last 15 minutes before I had to make a mad dash to work. I got here in the nick of time! When I was doing the blood test, she couldn't get at the vein in my left arm so she had to try the right arm. She said this is because I'm not drinking enough water! Gosh, now I have to worry about water. I thought I was good; I don't drink pop or alcohol, just orange juice, grape juice, and milk.

This must be the funniest name I've heard yet. This dudette's name is Mrs. Wako! Haven't heard that one before. I've heard all the ones that include a male organ in all it's variants.

J found out that I need a publisher's certificate for any professional editing positions. Sometimes he makes me want to snap--not b/c of this but of the way he's so disagreeable. About anything. To the next person, they may not even notice it b/c it's really quite minor but like a stupid bug flying near your head--that's what it feels like. It's irritating.

Anyway, I really liked last night's episode of Sex and the City. Carrie turned 35 and her friends couldn't make it to the little party that THEY forced her to be a part of. But only Carrie turns up at the fancy restaurant. The other girls got stuck in traffic. So she leaves and later gets dragged out by her friends where she confesses that she feels not old but alone. In the next episode, Carrie takes part as a model for a fashion bonanza. She didn't look good in the hair nor the make-up and I didn't get the outfit. I think she looks beautiful when she wears only a little make-up and wears dresses that are clingy but not revealing and hence looking like a whore. And I like it when she walks normal, not struts around like some kind of has-been. We get it Sarah Parker, you're thin and beautiful. There's nothing else you have to prove on the big screens.

On Friday I watched some sketches of MAD TV and I noticed their skits are getting more and more riske. One of them was a skit taking place in a porn studio and they were performing porn for a live studio audience. And along with their questionable antics, I don't find them funny anymore. The old gang was a lot funnier with David Macdonald(he's still around), Debra (I LOVED her part of Mrs. Halifa Bonifa Latifa Sharifa Jackson who plays a disgruntled black chick, the white chick that plays a latino with Debra Wilson, the big white teddy bear--I looooved him, and the black dude--I loooooooooooved him even more. He was truly fantastic in whatever skit he did. He did some disgruntled black dude parts as well. I wonder where he's at now. Sometimes I see the old MAD TV gang in those sprite commercials--or is it mountain dew?

Tonight is Average Joe night. I wonder what's going to go down. I hope something romantic continues to develop b/w her and Big Heart. He makes her laugh a lot. Speaking of Big Hearts, that's another thing women want. Someone with a truly big heart and humour that runs a mile long. I've met one guy that made me laugh a lot but he didn't have heart. I've yet to meet someone with both. They are rare but a-holes and committment-phobics and narcissists are a dime a dozen. Maybe that's why firemen do it for most girls.

It's funny when it's all about the girl, it's called Average Joe. When it's all about the guy, it's called The Bachelor. I guess they figure, guys can handle it and I don't think the ladies will come on national television and humiliate themselves by being deemed as average jane.

A few nights ago I watched Spider Man on tv. Watching it a second or third time made me tolerate Kirsten's bad acting a little bit. She really sucks. The first time I saw it, I wasn't impressed at all. My favourite moment was the ending when Kirsten kissed Parker and as he was walking away, had a sudden de-ja-vu (b/c she had kissed him before but as Spider Man). That was really lovely.

So the French books just sit there these days, occasionally reflecting the glare of the sun or make like a place mat for my plate of food at night. For now, they just add a splash of colour to the decor of the living room. I need some direction in my life! I want to do big things.

GW

I brought along my camera in hopes I catch something beautifully spontaneous. Anyway, I'm back in my cage--work. P is still at that publishing co. working the final days of her 2-week notice. I have yet to give them my resume.

I think I have some kind of throat infection b/c I have a bad sore throat that won't progress to a full on cold. It's just stagnant and annoying b/c it's not letting up. It's so difficult teaching my classes b/c I don't want to talk much b/c it starts to hurt like hell.

The weather is getting colder. I'm happy about that. I want to bust out my sweaters and turtlenecks and winter-tops and mistletoes. And jinglebells and santa claus and christmas tunes and chimney coals....too early? I look forward to christmas starting in july. I just love that holiday. I don't even mind how consumer driven it's become. In a small way, I like that too.

I've got my doc apt tomorrow morning at 10:10. Here's the rest of my to do list:
-mark the rest of the papers
-stitch my black pants
-watch Average Joe Tuesday night (that goes without sayingr really)
-get that resume out
-locate a fortune teller
-try out Neptune's Cove restuarant
-go to pickering town centre and get 6 movies for $20
-get J's bday gift

I just deleted almost 40 msges I had saved on my cell. I've never listened to any of them more than once, I just kept them for a just in case moment. I still had some from december. I also had the ones from him. Listening to them partially didn't make me miss him one bit. It's good, right?

I've got less and less to say every time.

GW

I'm realizing that I'm having way more than usual difficult time getting up in the morning. Why is that? Is it the lacking in protein thing? Or not eating enough veggies? It really feels like hell in the morning.

Well, I got more classes for the weekends now and my private classes with the lady have started. She wants me back on Sunday evenings. So it's back to those dreadful days of long long hours every day of the week. I have to remind myself that I'm not the only one who works like that--K-man, J (except that lucky bastard has some weekends off).

So I mentioned that I may have gained a little weight right? Though I can't commit to a private gym, I've decided to cut back on the high calorie foods and start doing sit ups until I can figure out something else. I would've loved to run on a treadmill or something. I could've done it while watching TV.

I'm starting to see the world differently these days. My mind works out an analogy for having braces to everything. For example, the once horribly horribly dilapidated road that is Finch Ave is being gutted and redone, so for the moment, traffic is terrible. But once it's finished, the result will be pleasant to say the least....just like having braces! For a while, you have to suffer a little but the result will be worthwhile. That thought kept my temper under control while inching our my through the neon pylons and shielding my eyes from the blazing sun.

I found out the other day that K-man's mom's name is Rhoda!!! I've always had a strange attachment to that name. Along with Rhoda, I'm going to name my future baby girls Gwendolyn, Genevieve, Georgina, Grace (I can explain this one), and Geraldine. Rhoda is the one out of the G circle. But that's because she's special. I was also thinking of Magdaline and Mariam but I'm not so in love with Mariam as I am with the others. And my boys will be Joseph, Jacob, Jordan, and Johnathon in that order.

Thinking about my children carries me away.

GW

The surgery is back on. I spoke to the dentist and he says it's in my best interest to do it sooner than later. He doesn't like that I wait until next year to do it. The latest he advices is December. So I've decided to just get it over with, makes no difference to me. I won't be getting supply gigs until October anyway so it won't interfere with that.

I spoke to J about it and he's taking a day off on the day of to take me there and back. He's wonderful.

I wanted to see the job update on Thelma and Louise and found that Thelma may not have a teaching job but Louise definately does and she only graduated this year from Queens. Some people are so lucky. It helps when you're white too I suppose.

GW

There's something refreshing hanging out with my guy friends. They don't read into things like girls do, they approach everything matter-of-factly, they're easy-going, they'll do you favours more often than girls would and won't think twice about a UOME. In a word, they are utilitarian.

I'm backing out of my surgery, I decided yesterday. I called the onsite nurse to make sure that there won't be serious consquences if I wait at least a year but she couldn't tell me much until she consults the surgeon so I have to wait until tomorrow morning to find out. Whatever she says though, I think I better not do it. Those teeth are not bothering me at all so I don't want to tinker with them and go fishing for trouble. J seems to think I should at least get a second opinion. I will, when I go in for consultation for braces.

I noticed that I'm getting a little chubby though the scale says I haven't gained a single pound. I feel less comfortable in my clothes though. I saw this coming. I've been having a few too many chocolate sweets last month. I want to do something about it--go to the gym perhaps but I don't know of any gym facilities in the area and I don't know when I'll even have time for it unless I can go after 9 pm.

My part-time lady wants to start up the classes again on Suny/Sat. She called me last night but I left work too late to call her back.

My laziness has reached a new monumental level. I'm so lazy, I can't even spare 5 minutes to sew a buttom on my shirt. Or 1/2 hour to study from the French books (they're due in a couple of days). Or clip out those news articles. Or wake up just 1/2 hour early to practice piano. I'm SO LAZY! How the hell did I get this bad?

On to other news, some ass from western America msged me on facebook and asked if we happened to meet at a wedding early August here in Toronto. I told him to fuck off. Derek gave me an unvitation to his bday bash yesterday. I told him to fuck off too. I will care less about people I don't know and get to know better those people I do.

I want to watch that movie again Diary of a Mad Black Woman.

Okay, this is a quick run-down of all that I have to do this week:
-mark the remaining papers
-make weekly TDSB call
-clip out all articles
-book appt with eye doc
-cancel surgery
-sew button and pants
-practice piano at least for 30 goddamn minutes
-book dentist appt with Arla or D's Uncle
-draft a cover letter for travel agency and get guy's busn. card w/ email
-draft cover letter for publishing co. and speak to P
-renew library books

And next week:
-shopping


Shut up.

GW

I'm supposed to be at work right now but I'm home. I had to do a little favour for a little somebody so I won't come in to work until later this afternoon.

The closing of my summer was really great. I went out with what I thought would be just me, J, Kman and Romany but Gavin and Rom came as well. We went to see a late movie, "Dumbass" was it? or "Badass"? "Superbad"? Something like that. It was Kman's pick. It was stupid as hell but had very funny scenes. I wish I had cop friends like that. They sure know how to roll.

Anyway, it was nice seeing Gavin again. And Rom, too. After Gavin drove himself home and us dropping off Romany, we went to Rom's house where we had a bonfire and roasted marshmallows, we're such a cliche. It's funny that I never went to his house while we were going out in university. He's a smoker now which I'm totally disappointed about. I thought that he was smarter than that. He's excited about starting teacher's college right now at York. Why he wants to join the unemployed teacher graduates' group with the rest of us is beyond me. But he really does like working with kids, in his defence.

Something peculiar that happened, I don't really want to read too much into it is, well, first he told me "You look good," a few minutes into picking him up from his house (it wasn't an innocent comment, he doesn't compliment like that all willy nilly), then he asked me for my number at the end of the night (Kman gave me a look at that moment), and then he asked me about my status--if I had a bf or not. The reason why I don't want to read into it is he's got a gf and while I don't think he's in love with her, I don't want to rock that boat. I don't want to rekindle anything with him now, not like this. I do have to say, I know there was something there and it wasn't just sparks from the bonfire.

Well, I'm off to Kman's house to kill some time and then I'll head to work. I'll continue this tonight.

GW

Just checking in real quick. Got a whole lotta nothing done today.

Went to the dealership to bring the car back home, did the laundry, straightened my hair (I love my hair), did and still doing the marking, washed the cars, and that is that.

I wonder what the plan is with the gang for tomorrow...

GW