Diary of a Wom'n

Aziz moved away today.

Earlier he had told me he was moving in Feb but as it turned out, he moved a little earlier than that.  It was today.  I had known for at least a week but it was only yesterday that it hit me like a brick.  All day today I had a sinking feeling in my stomach.  I wasn't quite prepared for him to leave.

Quickly this morning, I made him a card and got the class to write a note for him throughout the day.  In the afternoon, he left for a trip so when he returned by the end of the school day, I gave him the card and a movie I thought he might like, as well as his birthday bookmark.  Ms. Nic, who knew him since he was in grade 6, made him a banana cake.  She adores him too.  She had also taught his two brothers before Aziz.

I'm probably prolonging the hurt by doing this but throughout the day, I also took pictures of the class where he was in some of them.  I want to post these pictures in the class bulliten and perhaps contribute them to the grade 8 year book.

I can't even express into words the anguish I felt of realizing that he was going and that there will be an empty seat from now on.  I didn't realize that I got attached to him so much over these past few weeks.  A few weeks!  It's only been about 8 weeks since I started teaching here but it feels like half a year.

I know I said this before but Aziz is one in a million.  He has the biggest heart and the deepest soul.  He is a truly rare human being.  I pray that the next teacher who is lucky to have him appreciates him and takes care of him and nurtures this quality in him.  I hope that he stays on the right path and he doesn't meet any negative people or at the very least, let them influence him.  I want him to succeed and be all that he is.

This is truly one of the hardest moments in teaching.  You make these unexpected connections with kids and you realize this when you start to cry when they leave or get transfered.  As in my case - as soon as the school day was over and I finished dealing with other teachers and kids, I found a moment to myself and started to break down.  I couldn't hold it anymore.  And felt like something was pulling at my heart-strings.  And again when I mentioned it to Vick that Aziz left, I got teary.  I just miss him.  He was like a sunshine in my room.  He brought a dynamic to the class that reached out to every corner.  He was in a class of his own. 

I'm going to be looking out for him in the future because he is destined for great things.  I pray that I am fortunate and lucky enough to meet more Azizes in this world.  They make life better and happier.

Here's a bizaare dream I had last night. I was in some place - it looked like a building. I was there with Ben and we were both leaving together, all the while, saying so long to some aquaintances. Then, for a moment Ben went off to say hello to a group of women. He was within ear shot so I heard him talking about me, "Yeah, that's my girlfriend. She's a teacher. But she's a teacher for the teachers." At the time, I remember thinking, "Oh, my gosh. Why did he tell them that?" And then the second thought was "That's such a lie about me being a teacher for the teachers." But in the dream, I was thinking he must have done that to give the impression that there's a distance between he and I. That somehow it was okay.

GW

Looks like I had a moment there in the previous blog post below.  I was having a bad day.  It was when I discovered that one of my kids had had a terrible history growing up.  Her early years went by without her parents who left her behind in Africa and left to Canada.  Only when she did reunite with them, her father passed away shortly after.  Thereafter, her mom remarried and uprooted her from Canada and took her back to southern Africa for a few years where the language of study in the school there was the local language of the region.  Then she and her family moved back to Canada a few years after that.  The many upheavals in her life has impacted her socially and academically.  She had a psych report done in 06 I believe that indicates that to some degree, the experiences in her life is still affecting her.

And to add to all the disruption in her life, it was decided that she would transfer to another class specializing in kids like her.  I wish somebody did their job and found out that she had a learning problem and put her in the correct class from day one.  That way, we wouldn't have the issue of already developing connections and attachments.  And while I'm playing the blame game, I wish her mother had the common sense and heart to raise a child right.  Why would you have a child and then swing them around like a ball on a string?  Why destroy the very foundation that will define who they are and who they grow up to be?  I cannot understand it.

This girl is a beautiful soul.  She is a hard-worker and quiet as a mouse.  She has a keen way of identifying with characters or people that she reads about.  In her biography assignment (which was on William Shakespeare), she pointed out that she didn't like Shakespeare for one thing - it's that he left his family without telling them where he had gone to.  This tore me up.  She identified with this experience and expressed her feelings about it. 

I had a hard time swallowing all this in the beginning.  But what makes this a little bearable is that I see her often and I'm still her science teacher at he very least, even if I'm no longer her core teacher.  I'm also happy that she is in a class where the teacher is, I'm told, very great.  She needs somebody great.  Because she herself is great.

I miss my girl.

GW

That sentiment has always been there since the beginning of January 2006.  It was there when I graduated from teacher's college and it's still there now.

I hate having to implement all these new initiatives ON TOP of what we already have to do which is beyond a full plate already.  When you try to do too much all at once, you're really not going to produce anything effective.


I truly hate the kids that were born here and take for granted this life of luxury.  I also hate the kids that immigrated here and have turned footloose as a result of experiencing all the freedoms Canada and our school boards have to offer.  Their life of hardship and fear that they once lead is quickly forgotten and replaced instead with entitlement and arrogance.  And I hate the parents who bring children into this world only to destroy them.

Most of all, I hate having to "teach" a class of 30.  Teaching isn't a good word for what we do to be quite honest.  Maybe mentoring, entertaining, being a friend, counseling, care-giving - some would even go as far to say as glorified baby-sitting.  In any case, it's not teaching.  It's "keeping them busy for 10 months of the year".  And 30 is just an average.  I have been in classes where there were 40 kids in one classroom.  Insane?  Not if you're a board admin.

And finally, I hate what the school boards have become - weak, ineffectual, and soft.  Where is the authority that teachers and schools once had?  What factors contributed to it becoming diminished?  As it is, teachers have as much authority as a piñata does among a group of bat-wielding kids.  Is it any wonder why kids today are in the state they're in in terms of their academic performance?  Why should they do their homework or projects? Why should they study?  What's the teacher going to do?  Give them an IEP?  Call their parents who are just as unable to help?

The Canadian education system is a disaster.  We are ranked the lowest of the low in world stats.  We have an IEP for every child or at the very least, a label.  Their literacy and numeracy skills is in the toilet because our schedule is filled with so much crap that by the time you actually DO get to teach them something it's only for a total of maybe 20 minutes.

It's hard to say what's in store for me regarding this job come next September but I'm not going to lie, I hope the teacher I'm covering for comes back so I can leave and pursue something else.  It's making me feel hopeless and defeated.


It's going to be a long dreadful year.

GW

On Wednesday evening of this week, I stopped off at Walmart to pick up some supplies for a science experiment that I was going to do for my science classes the next day.  I needed dry yeast, balloons, and food colouring.  I got them all but inadvertently picked something else up - the acquaintance of my ex-boyfriend.

It happened a few steps away from the entrance of the store.  I hadn't yet picked up my blue basket when I suddenly heard my name being called from the right.  I turned to look and chills immediately ran down my back.  This was the person who had turned into a semi-stalker years ago, who had hounded me through the phone a 100 times a day which was the reason why I had to change my number, and who had borrowed $400 from me and never returned it.  I had only a split second to sock him in the eye with the blue basket or take the high road, square my shoulders and say hello.

I took the high road.  We chatted a bit and he danced around the question he wanted to ask me: can we get together again?  What he asked was, do you have time for coffee?  I said no and soon after he asked what my situation was in terms of relationships.  To avoid having a battle with him about going out with me again,  I told him I was married.  When I told him that, he stiffened up and the perkiness in him dissipated.  He said that it should have been him who married me.  I asked about his situation but as I suspected, he wasn't with anyone.  No good woman would go out with him or stay with him for long.  However, he did say that he has a son now from his ex-girlfriend from 3 years ago.  Apparently, he had to go through some legal battle with her about having shared custody of the child.

Listening to the way his life has unfolded and watching the way he continues to walk with a limp from a knee injury made me feel rather sorry for him.  Nothing has changed with him.  Nothing has gotten better.  He's got nothing to show for all these years that have passed.  What a waste.

He walked me to the checkout and offered to pay for my items, and then walked me to my car.  Before we parted, he wished me a good happy life and hoped that it will work out for me.  He didn't ask for my contact info or if we could keep in touch.  We said good-bye, I got into my car and drove away.