Diary of a Wom'n

Here’s a little window into the maniacal thoughts of GW:

I have this quirky thing that I do when I first start dating guys. I fast forward to the future and envision a life with them. Case in point: Monday. In the morning, I imagined J and I getting serious. In the late morning, he proposed and we were planning the wedding. By the early afternoon, we were traveling. In the late afternoon, we had kids and leading very comfortable lives. By the early evening, we were having problems and in the late evening, we were divorced. There’s a word for people like this.

In my feeble defense, I just like everything in my life to be organized and in place.

Well, J called a few nights ago (and the nights after that) and I was utterly surprised because we were divorced after all. We talked for about an hour until he said something about waiting for a call I think. I couldn’t really hear him well. We talked about people’s weddings, our careers, and his recent promotion which he actually didn’t want but suddenly found himself in management. I asked him why all the resistance. He said it was because he wasn’t planning on staying but rather finding something else, something better. I told him he’s climbing the corporate ladder. He joked that he’s, more accurately, being shoved up the ladder. He’s seeing the brighter side to it, though. He can put this on his resume and have more doors of opportunity open for him.

He said he’d call the next day around the same time (late evening). I think it’s cute that he promises to call me back (within a given time, for that matter).

Two afternoons ago, my boss asked me if I’d like to join them on a trip they may be taking soon with his family. How sweet. They treat me like their own daughter.

I started applying to a few Durham schools. I’m trying to stick to the permanent ones because I don’t want to bounce around from one occasional position to another. There’s a truck load of occasional positions at Durham. I’ve applied to a few of them—only the ones that last nearly the entire school term—as a safety measure, in case none of the permanent ones come through. I just hope I get something. I want to get going on traveling already.

The K-man and I talked about going on a road trip—once we all find time off together. For now, he and I are making a trip to the mall to do some wardrobe overhaul, mostly for him. I just want a new camera.

GW

I accidentally clicked on my birthday and facebook gave me a list of people with the same birthday as me. I curiously scrolled down and found one girl who was in an interracial relationship. She was black and he was white. I thought that was the cutest thing. I clicked on her picture and saw more pictures of them together. They were absolutely adorable! I loved it. They were both French, no surprise. The French are the most liberal of all.

I don't know when I made the transition from being positively fearful of spiders to being absolutely fearless. I'm a spider-killing machine now.

I got an A on my first assignment!! I'm so relieved. Most of my sources for the paper were American. I thought the instructor was going to have a huge problem with it but he didn't. Yay! I just have to work on my last assignment now, and catch up on my reflections.

Speaking of which, I'd like to reflect on something right now. One of my favourite dreams was getting engaged to someone. The man wasn't anyone I knew in reality but it was better that way. I remember, even after all these years, a feeling of fitting perfectly together. When we hugged, we were 2 matching pieces to a larger puzzle. For a simple dream, there was an unforgettable sweetness to it.

I should say before continuing that I have a history of attracting very passive men, occasionally there are the crazies. I don't know if it's their shyness or lack of confidence that prevents them from being assertive. I guess the positive aspect of passive men is they're not aggressive or pushy but to some degree all women want someone who can take charge.

Having said that, I recently got a peculiar message from an old high school friend. We occasionally keep in touch but for the last few months, we haven't really. A few years ago, we gave dating a shot but it didn't amount to anything, partly because I was not in the mood to date. Well, in the message, he asked for my number. The old J would never ever do that. He was too shy--a little odd if you see his physique. He's a burly, butch kind of guy, even more so now, I noticed. He also got promoted to manager of a company (really happy for him). Could there be a new J on the block? I'd like to find out.

At the same time, another old university friend mailed me yesterday--my sweet Jo from Winnipeg. He was the typical conservationist/environmentalist/Greenpeace type of guy. Very earthy. It was too bad he lived so far away. I would have loved to keep in touch with him.

There's another hunk that I work with. He teaches math and science. But for the life of me, I can't figure him out. In the early days, we used to be so cool. We would talk about school, our students, our family, our dreams, and then one day (the same day my crazy x showed up at my work) things changed dramatically between us. At the next opportunity he saw me, he asked if that was my boyfriend. I told him no. But the uneasiness remained and got worse over the years. He stopped saying hello to me and avoided eye-contact with me. Previously, I had given him one of my favourite books because he was an avid reader but he never said another word about it to me. This tension was unaccounted for. What did I do?

Over time, things got a little better. He started saying hello to me again. But through all this, I didn't harbor any resentment or any negative feelings toward him. My private little crush didn't disappear. It's ridiculous how weak in the knees I get when he's in the same room as me. I'm back to being a nervous 13-year old when I see him. He's the only one that could do that to me.

I need to get a hold of myself.

GW

My best friend Cher Bear has some good thing going for her. She’s back together with her high school bfriend and is enjoying travelling as much as Castro enjoys a good cigar. She just recently came back from somewhere, I can’t keep track anymore. She took beautiful pictures, one with her and him posed sitting on the sandy beach with mesmerizing blue skies as a backdrop. It was picture perfect. It’s wonderful how everyone has some highlight in their life that we can all admire and be a little jealous of no matter where we are in life. Some have degrees, some have children, some have grand ambitions, some have incredible talents…

Like one student I teach is two belts away from being a black belt. Her appearance though totally gives a different impression. She looks like a typical teenager consumed in teenage drama, clothes, gossip, and that sort of thing. But she’s wildly different from that. When she told me, I was in disbelief. How wonderful of her to have such talent not to mention the security of knowing she can kick some ass.

Recalling my time in teacher’s college brings back mixed emotion. I passionately hated the “academic” part if you can call the 8 months of wasted time that. On the other hand, I met such wonderful people there. I miss them very much.

Like Big Ben. He was a real family man. He was ruthless but very very sweet. He used to tell me about the first time coming to Canada and feeling very dazed because of the culture shock. He had his wife and kids so he couldn’t fall apart. He had to keep it together and he did. I hope that he is doing well.

The other wonderful person who I think about almost everyday is Liam. He was so beautifully human and charming. He was really one in a million. I remember at first meeting him, I was a little put off by his presence, the way he was so easily confident and tall. Who did he think he was impressing?

But then very early during the year at teacher’s college, I was in his group for some class discussion and he was so considerate and such a good listener. While I was talking at one point, he looked like he was listening to my every word and when I was finished, he seemed to think about what I had just finished saying and slightly nodded his head to no one in particular.

As time went on, Liam and I got closer, especially in part of being arranged in the same first teaching site. He was a great support there. I loved chatting with him about our experiences and stories about the students (we shared some of the kids because of rotary). One time, I was very disappointed about something and didn’t discuss it much with him and the other colleagues who were also placed at that same school. But later that evening, he called me to say that he was sad to see me unhappy that day and ask if I was doing okay now. He said he didn’t like to see someone who cares as much and is as committed as much as I am to be have someone make me feel like that. I just wanted to cry. I only knew him for about a couple of months at that point but already I loved him. He was so genuinely kind.

Sometime close the end of the year, Liam suddenly came up to me and said that I he wanted to tell me something for so long (because of increasing workload in class and an even busier schedule, we were all so very busy and hardly saw a glimpse of each other). He said that his wife was going to have a baby. He didn’t tell this to anyone else. I was so happy for him, especially because he seemed to beam in light of this new revelation.

By the end of the school year, it was very very hard for me to accept that I would probably not see him again. I gave him a card and stupid me forgot the gift I was supposed to give him at home on the last day. The last things he said to me was how his wife was curious about me and suspicious about what was going on, in a joking manner because he often spoke about me to her. How could I tell him how truly lucky his wife is without alluding to anything taboo? I can’t even admit out loud what I’m thinking. I could never go there.

I didn’t keep in touch with him after that. It would have been too hard for me. I had told him that I wanted to see the baby when he/she was born but I didn’t. I couldn’t. Maybe if things were different.

I truly miss him.

GW

A song by the beautiful John M.

It's an underrated place to go. It's safe, warm, comforting, private. It's small yet so vast.

I think I'm going to go get lost in my pretty black and white pictures.

GW

That's what those two are doing. They're not mature adults who have started taking measures to give back to their parents and helping them gradually. No, no. Without going into too much detail, those two are the equivalent of two children who seemingly live an independent life but really and truly they are very far from it.

Whatever.

I'm connecting with more and more people on facebook. Some of my old friends have really made something of themselves. Other's are waiting for their moment but still working hard. And there are those who could do with a little direction. But who am I to judge. I'm really happy for a few particular girls; one who's finishing up with med school and one who's the vp of a computer company. We're getting together, (the vp and I) once I can schedule "having a life" somewhere on my calendar. It's so easy to be genuinely happy for those who don't expect praise or are so modest about themselves.

I know a girl (we graduated at the same time) who's doing her coursework for her PhD in English and the size of her ego is outrageous. I feel like deflating her balloon head and bringing her back to reality. English is no rocket science. There's nothing impressive about what she's doing. I suppose her ultimate goal is to become a professor. Give me a break. She's done so little since we graduated ie. didn't publish or take part in writing anything. The most she's done is become a TA. I really can't consider her as an accomplished individual. Many people I know have done so much and contributed a great deal.

Whatever.

GW

The past 12 hours were a blur and still is. I'm so tired. I'm so sick of working here and working on this damned project. This is what they call a dead-end job if you can even call it that. I don't think I'll continue working here once I find a teaching job. Perhaps I will continue to work until this project is over unless my employer and I can find a suitable project manager and then I'll discontinue coming here on weekdays but I will work on weekends at least for a year or so. I wouldn't want to drop my employer like a hot potato because he has helped me a lot, but on the other hand, I can't continue to work 7 days a week forever. Who's going to do my errands for crying out loud?

I still haven't done my hair. I've been looking like hell the past few days. Last night, I went to bed at 5.30 am doing the marking. And I'm still not finished. I haven't posted my last reflection #4 either for my class which was theoretically due yesterday.

GW

I just have to immortalize here some of the crazy/adorable things my kids do.

One of my recent kids, Bran, is a chatterbox and sometimes annoying to put it mildly but there are some days where I could just melt. The other day, I told him that the booklets that I give out are invaluable after he lost one of them and I told him that it costs $1 to produce just one (I was kidding of course) but he took my feigned disappointment to heart and the cutie pulls out a dollar and hands it to me (he's only 12). I told him that was very sweet but that I was only pulling his leg.

A favourite topic of his is dating. He talks to one classmate about it and about his girlfriend. Because I can clearly hear his conversation, he asked me not to mention any of this to his sister (who I also teach). Isn't that so cute? He said that his sister may blab it to his mom and then his mom will kill him. He wants to grow up fast but his mom doesn't give him that much freedom which I'm glad to hear.

Speaking of which, he told me about the long journey it took him to get his earring (which I don't allow him to wear in class). He said it took 3 years for his mom to come around and allow him to get one. She absolutely forbade it but he was relentless and I think he probably drove her insane, that's why she gave in.

Let's talk about my gorgeous jacket that I bought at MWWH. Who knew that they'd have stylish clothes for 20-somethings. When I went on Friday, all I saw was grandmothers. I felt out of place but I should add I went in the afternoon when everyone else was at work. The jacket has a little bit of military in it but it's mostly a short trench coat. It's a neutral green and has belt and all the pockets that I need. I also got 2 dress pants. One is a gorgeous charcoal colour, the other a sandy colour. Both a little thin in material but you have to compromise sometimes.

I still haven't figured out what to do about my to-do list. Last night, I tried going to sleep early and waking up early (I set my alarm to 8 am). I woke up at 11 am. I didn't even have time to straighten my hair. I just braided it, checked my emails, had breakfast, and went to work. This waking up early thing won't work for me even when I'm getting 10 hours of sleep. I think I'll continue to sleep late like I usually do (3 - 4 am). Only problem is that I get too tired in those late hours and I don't work efficiently so I don't get as much work done as I'd like. I'm slow and I take too many breaks. I need help. I don't know what to do. And my assignments are coming up for my course which I haven't started on yet. And I've falling a little bit behind on my reflections.

I haven't even faxed the letter to VP PS, for crying out loud. The thing that's really weighing me down is the marking. That's gobbling up my time the way interest charges gobble up my money. The little time I have is being spent trying to get through all the marking which tops 100 papers a week. On top of which I have to plan for what to teach. I have to figure out what to do about it.

Let's talk about the jokers in facebook. So many of the people I knew are on the fast-track to marriage city, some of whom are already there--Ro, Cher, B, Shel, Shoba, Share Bear, A&G, and the list goes on. I know I'm not fooling myself when I say that I'm not old because I'm not. The thing is, it makes me feel a little lost when I hear what goes on in their life. I think I'd feel a little better if I had a perm teaching job--I'd have one big piece of the puzzle in place. And then I won't feel sad (not to mention being pressed for time all the time). In fact, I could spring into action and work on becoming a VP or principal. I already have a head start with this course.

If only to dream. It's a long way to becoming a VP. Another unsettling and slightly more complicated matter is that I'm not in a relationship. I know many of my friends would tell me to quit this melodrama but I've noticed that those who are in a healthy relationship met their husbands in respectable places like school. Where do you meet people when you're no longer in school? At work? Is that why single gals who have a relationship with someone late in the game end up having a divorce shortly after?

Enough pondering for one day.

GW

Ain't that the truth. I've a list of things to do that can run a mile long. I just keep putting it off because I can't exactly do some of them at 12.00 am like picking a mother's day gift or such things. The resolution to wake up a little earlier to get some of those tasks done is a no-go because I'm incredibly tired in the morning. That's because I stay up late finishing up paper work or the stuff that I CAN do after midnight.

Right now, my top priority is keeping on top of my special ed. class. I'm not going to slip even for a minute, not on the reflections, not on the assignments, not on the participation, not on anything. I'm still uncertain about the implication if I don't do well in that class. Does my achievement go on display on my teaching certificate or what? I'm not taking any chances.

That I'm in wedded bliss girl showed up again. I can't stand her. She thinks she's so down to earth. She's so down-right smug.

My friend's relationship with his girlfriend is officially over. They've been officially over 50 times. But I think this time, it's officially official. She's made it clear that she wants absolutely nothing to do with him and that this isn't just a temporary slump. That relationship had gone rotten for a year now, it was about time to just let it go.

The next thing on my priority list, I should add is to update my resume a little so that I can begin to quickly send my resumes to schools/boards as soon as vacancies are put up and I get my damn employee number from TDSB. These are the possibilities:
1. TDSB schools
2. Montessori schools
3. Durham Board and indiv schools (they'll be posted begin May 7)
4. that hopeless York Board

I let Jules and Tan know that I'm on the list so that hopefully they can request me if they need a supply teacher in their class.

I have to go think about what to do about my looming and pending list of to-dos.

GW