Diary of a Wom'n

Yesterday afternoon the secretary says to me, "Grace, why do you look sad lately? I can see it in your face." So that confirms it. I'm no good at pretending things are just dandy, no matter how hard I try. I love that people are concerned about me but right now I'm trying something new--thinking positive. It's been a real effort but I just HAVE to think positive in moments of total misery. Otherwise, I'll slip into depression like I did two years ago.

We got cameras for our building a few days ago at work and I have the view of 12 cameras at once so I totally feel like Big Brother. I can see who's coming or going. Speaking of Big Brother, I dig those surveillance cameras throughout the city that was enforced recently. I feel safer this way.

My dad encountered a little punk who attempted to steal something from his car yesterday afternoon. He didn't call the police because the boy wasn't successful stealing anything and also, he may come back to try to vandalize something for revenge.

Well, summer is on the way and I have absolutely no plans except to work my ass off.

There is one thing I want to do and that is to revive the idea of writing a novel. I had started it but never had enough time to continue it. So this summer, my goal is to get as much writing done as I can.

J and I watched a black and white movie last night called "The Hitch-Hiker". The simplicity of black and white movies is something to appreciate. I like the way the focus is on good acting rather than glitze and glamour.

Oh, and the most surreal thing happened this afternoon. I did something minor for my boss and the project we're working on and he was so happy that he got carried away. He said, "This is fantastic! Grace, I love you sooo much. You're like a gem to me."

awwwwwww!

And finally, one of my project team members brought her children to work today. They were so cute. They'll be coming in with her for the entire summer because she can't leave them at home and her husband is working on the remaining portion of his PhD. She said his supervisor is flying in from the UK for the weekend to see him and his report. Good stuff.

I don't think I'll be talking to J tonight. I have to wake up early tomorrow morning to pick up my brother from the hospital.

GW

I thought I was getting better at concealing my feelings but apparently I'm still an open book. A few days ago, my boss's wife looked at me intently and asked if I was feeling okay. I told her yes, that I was just really tired.

Then this afternoon, my boss asked if I was doing okay. I said yes, and I thought that was the end of that. In the afternoon, he asked me again if everything was okay in my life. Something like, "Grace, is everything really okay? I feel like something is worrying you. It seems like something is bothering you physically or mentally."

"No, I'm okay. Thank you for asking me."

"If there is, I'd like you to talk to me about it. I can help you out."

"Thank you but I'm fine."

Wow, I knew I didn't hide my feelings well but I didn't know I was THAT transparent. What was I supposed to say to him?

"Yes, something is terribly wrong with me. Everyday, I feel like I'm going mental. I can't handle the pressure around me anymore."

Please.

A few follow up thoughts on the crappy interview. This is how I imagined it went in my head after all the questions:

"Do you have any questions?"

"Yes, I got f*cking questions for you. Do you have any idea how nerve-wracking it is to have 2 people interview you? Didn't I already go through this at the board level? What is the point of this crap? Do you both not have an entire school to run?"

"This is how we do it at this school and might I add your tone is--"

"F*ck my tone. I got another question for you. Have you forgotten that you were once in my position? Have you forgotten that you were once a groveling white slug? Do you think you're shak now? Don't you think it's time to get off your high-horse?" Many attempts to interrupt me in this debacle.

"This interview is over. Get out."

"Oh, I'm out."

Slam!

I was having sinful thoughts since that day. I just thought what is the point in all this. Okay, eventually I'll get a job. Then what? Wait for another crisis? Sometimes I think it's me. It's all me. I think EVERYTHING is a crisis. And I take EVERYTHING personally. I take offense very easily. Why oh why don't I develop thick skin?

***

On another note, J and I are going away for the long weekend, to Quebec or Montreal. It's getting a little more serious. I'm starting to adore him. On Friday night, he called me but I missed the call. Then I returned his call but he asked to call me back in 10 min. He ended up calling after 20 min and by then I was fast asleep on the sofa. On Sunday I found out that he was calling from work that Friday. It wasn't the first time he called from work but that day he was in the middle of a problem. I asked why then would he call me. He said, "I wanted to talk to you before you went to sleep. I knew you had your interview, I wanted to know how it went."

awwwww.

Then just today he sent me a facebook msg saying he got me another one of my favourite movies which I haven't been able to find! He is so sweet! I love the way he thinks about me during the day.

I think if we have any time left in our long weekend, we'll see a musical. Knowing him, he's probably got tickets right now.

***

Another thing I keep forgetting to mention is one of my high school students one day was wearing a nice blue shirt. The colour really suited him so before I could stop myself I told him so. Then, for the next few weeks, he'd often wear that same shirt and shirts similar to it. Sometimes I forget that I am not just another person but a teacher who can so easily influence a child.

***

I also forgot to mention the little robbery that happened right before my eyes at Staples. I was waiting at the cash register to pay for my merchandise when all of a sudden, some guy blazes right in front of me as if the devil himself was chasing him. One his way out, he totally busted one of the revolving doors. I heard the wide-eyed workers say that he stole a credit-thing. I don't know exactly. 2 things I was not impressed with:

1. There was no finesse in the act of pilfering on the part of the amateur. I mean, running away from the store? Yeah, that's definitely not going to draw attention to yourself.

2. Besides looking around with an expression of disapproval, when did it become the protocol to do absolutely nothing in an event of a petty robbery? For shame. I would have done nothing less than tail that sob.

Then later on my way to the parking lot, I had a pleasant confrontation with another sob. She was parked next to me. I had reversed parked. She had not. I was getting into my car and was on the phone at the same time (sharing the earlier event to someone) when all of a sudden, I hear a thud on my car door. What do I see but that blind bat slam her car door on mine. Thank god I took the crappy car that day but nevertheless, the damage would have been on her car, not mine b/c the face of her car door hit the edge of mine. Then in my naivette, I waited for an apology from her--what I got was a dirty look. She got out very pissed, uttering unintelligible things--curse words no doubt but I took the defense. I wanted her to approach me but she didn't. Too bad b/c I wanted to throw in a little woopass to an already amusing day. But it was for the best because it was hot and I was getting late for work.

A few days later, I witnessed another act of crime. I didn't know what happened exactly. All I saw was 2 officers escorting a man in cuffs right in front of me at the grocery store.

What is happening to this world?

I thought today was going to bring high hopes --with the interview and all, but no dice. The position I applied to sucked. The interview sucked. This whole charade sucks.

I officially hate my life.

A few days ago, I learned (through facebook) that one of my friends from teacher's college got engaged to one of our classmates. They met in class and started dating in January I think. They are a cute match. They're from different backgrounds but something about it seemed natural. Nic was a subdued kind of guy. He was outgoing but not loud, outspoken but not obnoxious, quiet but not shy. And she is just a sweet girl with a bubbly personality. I'm actually very surprised that she didn't find a teaching job. The two are getting married in August. They're in Alaska right now (I guess an early honeymoon?) They've been to Mexico and New York as well. Share and Ben travelled frequently too (Korea, South Carolina, Las Vegas) I'm really happy for them.

The list is out for TDSB vacancies so I'll get started tomorrow morning with the calls.

I still don't feel good. Last night J was talking to me about his work for a good 1/2 hour and I couldn't feign interest the slightest bit. My input included "hm-mm", "okay", and "really". I was feeling way too emotional. Then when he asked me how I was, I couldn't hold it in. I told him "not good" and started crying a little but I made him believe that I wasn't. I didn't tell him anything but he knows something is wrong. I wish I could control myself better in these situations.

What I need is a permanent job here. I need to meet new people and work in a different environment. I hate where I am right now.

Thank you, K, for the kind words. I hope I CAN appreciate the darkness one day.

GW

I had a feeling this wasn't temporary. I'm officially depressed. I've been feeling horrible all day at work and by 7 pm I was numb. When I got home I started to cry just before getting in the shower.

I hate facing the reality that another year has gone by and all I have is emptiness. This has nothing to do with my friend's engagement. I'm not desperate to get married or anything like that. I'm sad about other things. I'm sad that I didn't continue my piano lessons. I'm sad that I couldn't/didn't keep in touch with so many people in my life that have slipped away. I'm sad that school consumed so much of my time and made it impossible to actually enjoy life. I'm sad that I didn't take those opportunities. I'm sad that I didn't stand up when it mattered. This is really difficult for me.

I'm just so damn sensitive. Why does everything have to hurt?

GW

I got up this morning to hear of news that one of my long lost friends has just gotten engaged with Ben. It seemed like just yesterday we were in teacher's college and she was telling me about her break-up with her overly sensitive-boyfriend who buys flowers for her mom. Then she met Ben around January of '06 and I remember she was really happy. She had told me that she has a habit of breaking up with guys very quickly so she made a promise to herself that she would give this guy 3 (or 6- I can't remember) months. And now she made it stick!

Last night I worked for 13 hours, came home and talked with J. He had another surprise. He uploaded over 100 songs into a flashdrive for me to listen to. I'm going to have fun listening to them.

I have work in about 15 minutes and I can't seem to shrug Sunday off my shoulders. I'm still tired in my head.

My goal for the next two days is to revamp my resume and cover letter (maybe not totally) and give it a new shine.

I'm not feeling good today. I never have any time to do anything.

GW

J and I went out today. I had a nice time. I'd be lying if I said there was chemistry but I'm okay with that. There are some things that I'm uncertain about but I'm unwilling to let him go too fast. I've got something to work with; he's gentle, calm, a sweetheart, rationale, never yells or loses his temper, and he's very butch. Big guys turn me on.

The things I want to change about him is make him more flirty and to crank up the heat on the sexual tension. He's just too gentle, almost innocent in a way. He reminds me of that 40-year-old virgin. I feel like we're too much like old friends.

But in the past few weeks, I definitely have rubbed off on him. For example, he has practically memorized my favourite songs and song artists and gotten into my groove. He loves one of my favourite movies which is "Why Do Fools Fall In Love" and can't get enough of the hit Teenagers song. I got him interested in musicals again. He's feeling me.

When I think about it, although it's not all lovey-dovey right now, I know if we ever get together, he'll be like my best friend. He won't pressure me or make me mad on purpose or do things that will hurt me. We'll go out to places and it will be easy going.

We ate at Boston Pizza tonight and then went to Sobey's to pick up a Father's Day cake but to no avail. They were all sold out. I didn't want to go home just yet (it was only 9.30) so we went for a walk by the theatre and then browsed through Walmart in the automobile section to look for a gift he wants for his dad which is a car-seat warmer/cooler/massager. He's got a day off tomorrow so he said he'll shop around some more before buying one. Before he headed out, we each bought a movie. I got "Click" with my adorable Adam Sandler. And he got "Blood Diamond" I think.

It was a gorgeous day for a walk. I'm glad I didn't go home just yet. Later that evening, I dropped him off at his house (which is ridiculously close to mine) and there he gave me a mini-tour of his mom's garden at the front yard. It was beautiful and quite whimsical. It's his mom's pride and joy. It had a bench, fountain, and everything.

We called it a night at half past 10 and by then I was getting a headache, I don't know why. There was a cute after-school-special moment where one of us had to make a move to either hug or something. It was deliciously awkward and I was happy when he made the move to hug me. I thanked him for the movie he bought me and I drove away into the night.

GW

May you rest in peace, Sarah. In such a short period of time, your spirit extended farther than you know. You were so young. It's so unfair.

I think that was my exhaustion talking yesterday. I was tired all of Monday as well and not to mention uncomfortably thirsty but I didn’t bring drink with me yesterday, just a small energy drink which by the way didn’t give me any energy at all.

Oh my gosh, I got an A on my last paper I turned in last night. An A!! I could barely sleep I was so happy. He sent me a nice response to my essay which seemed, not trying to dampen the positive spirit, unmistakably generic. I think he used the same message for everyone, just change the pertaining topic and name of student.

Yesterday, J called me from work. I don’t know why. I didn’t know he was at work until later that night. I should’ve known because he called pretty early like a quarter to 11 p.m. I had to let him go right away though because I had just an hour to finish editing my paper and submit it. When I did, it was a quarter after 11. I called him back but he too had to let me go right away. He couldn’t talk. He called me back a half hour later I think. Something went wrong at work that required him to stay back.

When he called, we talked until 2 a.m. until I told him to go have something to eat because it was getting late. I mentioned to him that I’ll be having more time off in the summer, especially the weekend. He said that’s great, and saying things that either began with “we” or “you” like “now you/we can date” and “you/we can go out”. He also mentioned that he’s waiting for me to pick my movie up or arrange something for him to give it to me. So I told him this Saturday, I will. He said that that’s cool.

Then we were on the subject of the Teenagers for while. He sent me links on facebook of clips of the original Teens doing their thing. I said thank you, and he said “anything for you”.

aww.

What I adore about him is that he never continues a conversation without asking me “how was your day” first. I thought that is sweet of him.

GW

(This was supposed to be posted yesterday, Monday 11)
Boy, I really hate feeling complicated. Just when things are looking just peachy, I get a rotten tomato thrown at my face.

I don’t want to turn this blog into a J-fest but I just have too much to say about it. Last night, I called him for a change. I didn’t want him to wonder why he’s doing all the calling so I called him half past 12 a.m. He didn’t pick up. He called me 2.5 seconds later and from his tone, I felt like I intruded on something like he was in the middle of something. He was actually just coming home from a movie with 2 of his friends and he was outside in front of his house. He didn’t sound like his usual self. It was weird.

So I told him to call me after he’s in his house. He does, 2 minutes later and everything was normal again. I had a sick melancholy feeling from the start. Why didn’t he ask me to the movies? I was home since 8.30 p.m.? Not to mention Saturday when I came home 6.30? Did he assume that I wouldn’t be up for it because I’d be too tired?

In his defence, he did think that I finished at 9 on Sunday and he probably thought that was too late for me. He did say later that he should’ve called me. I wanted to say, “you got that right.”

I think he thinks that if he asks me out it has to be with a group of our other friends. I think he thinks that it’ll take the pressure off if our friends are around and it won’t be so heavy.

The just of our conversation was: he watched the movie he bought, watched pirates of the Caribbean, listened to the Teenagers some more, suggested hesitantly to make mixed CDs for each other with songs that we think each other would like, confirmed again that we are going out on July 1st, and then I told him to go have a shower, eat something and call me back since he’d been out. He said he’d call me back after 10 min. An hour later, I’m asleep on the sofa and I get 2 missed calls from him. I didn’t call him back. By the time I woke up it was too late to call anyway and I was way too tired. I didn’t even get to finish my editing for my paper. It’s due today (well, the extension I got ends today.)

I think I’ve had enough. I’m just not up for these stupid games. I don’t know what made me think I can just pretend I can ignore those nagging feelings that things aren’t totally right. I’m better than that. He’s sweet but something is not working. He’s driving me crazy already.

Geez, Louise, am I exhausted.

I just spoke to one of my co-workers, Nev, who also teaches here. She was telling me about her sister with an ulcer problem. She’s only like 19 or so so I’m a little surprised (a lot surprised actually) that she has this problem. You can guess the next thing I did—I drank my whole bottle of Boost energy drink. I brought one today because I never eat lunch, not even a snack so I thought maybe this will at least give me enough energy and all that good stuff. I’m terrified of any organelle conditions, especially the stomach and the colon.

This is the last week of my course and then I’m going to have the qualification. This is my first AQ.

GW

The lyrics:

Let's fall in love
Why shouldn't we fall in love?
Our hearts are made of it
Let's take a chance
Why be afraid of it?

Let's close our eyes
And make our own paradise
Little we know of it
Still we can try
To make a go of it

We might have been meant for each other
To be or not to be, let our hearts discover

Let's fall in love
Why shouldn't we fall in love?
Now is the time for it
While we are young
Let's fall in love

We might have been meant for each other
To be or not to be, let our hearts discover

Let's fall in love
Why shouldn't we fall in love?
Now is the time for it
While we are young
Let's fall in love


I LOVE this song, and quite appropriate for the present time. J and I are getting closer and getting to know meaningful stuff about each other. He's utterly sweet and warm.

We found out that we both went to see "The Phantom of the Opera" as a class trip on the same day in grade 8. We went to different elementary schools so the thought that we may've seen or passed each other is so enthralling!

We reminisced about the fun times we had and the fun times we could have had if we met each other 12 years sooner. We could have done so many things together as we have so many things in common. Not just that but our values and interests are the same so we could've really been best friends. He said to me, "Why didn't you meet me 12 years ago?!" because for years after seeing phantom of the opera, we both were quite interested in going to see it again and even see more musicals but not many people were interested or were able to go. If we had been friends, we could've went together and saw all the musicals we wanted. What could've been, eh?

On a different note, a little funny scene from "Splangish":

Adam Sandler: [to sleeping son] ***, I think you should seriously think about getting up to go ready for school.

You don’t have to get up right this minute but are you seriously thinking about it?

***: mm, hmm.

Sandler: Alright [closes door and leaves]

Talked with J last night. Got my extension for my course. Summer is on its way which means a little of a break from teaching. Had a mini heart attack because I thought I lost my USB disk. Which should I go into first?

Well, I had asked for an extension a couple of days ago and I got it yesterday. I’m really happy. I asked for a couple more days from Friday which means I should hand it in Sunday evening.

Talked to J a few hours ago. I felt like screaming 15-20 minutes into the conversation. I was so bored. Why aren’t we moving forward? How long do I have to continue talking to him during my precious sleeping time and engage in idle chit-chat? He’s so incredibly boring, despite his other nice qualities. I don’t know what to make of it—us talking every agonizing night. Is he interested in me or what? Let’s get this show on the road!

He had a day off yesterday (Wednesday). I was a little sad because he got together with our friends for dinner at Boston Pizza. (They’re closer to him than they are with me except with the K-man; he’s close with everyone.) I felt a little sad because he was willing to make time for them but can’t figure out a way to find time for me. Also, he didn’t mention the movie he bought about whether he watched it or not and when he’ll let me have it.

I really don’t know. Maybe he’s turned off by that fact that I work so so much to the point where I can’t even go out. At least he has his weekends but I don’t even have that. I think he doesn’t want to get involved with someone who’s a workaholic. He probably thinks it’s impossible to date someone like that.

When I didn’t see my USB in my pencil case, my heart started beating so fast. I thought it was gone for good but I had remembered putting it on my bed the night before along with the remote and other indiscriminate items. I didn’t put everything away before crawling into bed so it go lost in the sea of blankets.

Can I just tell you about one of our staff? She’s the boss’s niece and she is unbelievably childish. She’s about 8 years older than I am but yet has no sense of responsibility. Currently, she’s taking a class at a local college to improve her English and also gain a credit. Now, the sensible thing to do is take advantage of the resources around her and get as much professional help she can from her school while she can get it but that’s not her M.O. Instead, she shoulders off her assignments and reports on us, her co-workers. From a simple paragraph to an entire, essay, she begs us to write it for her. She asks everyone she is comfortable with.

I have no problem helping her but it’s the fact that she doesn’t help herself that really irritates me. She just assumes that someone else will do her work for her. The first time she asked me, I thought she meant she wanted my to provide her with books and resources she could read. But after giving her some resources, I found she actually meant (I couldn’t believe the audacity of this bitch) for me to write the paper for her. Me! The one who she sees has a truckload of student homework to correct every week. The one who’s up till 4 a.m. daily correcting them all. The one who has deadlines every week to produce lessons for an entire organization. I thought I was going to slap her. I outright said no.

I can’t even talk to her sternly about this because she is the boss’s niece after all. I swear, if it weren’t for that, I would have given her a piece of my mind, not just for the stated reason but for her whole careless work ethic which makes my job that much more difficult. She leaves a stack of the extra lessons in some corner and doesn’t have the adult sense, courtesy and responsibility to put them away in their respective binders, or displaces the lessons within the binders, lets my books fall on the shelf and leaves them in shambles, sometimes my files are tampered with. It takes me over an hour to clean up the mess after her. She’s like a child.

I don’t think she has developed fine motor skills at all. She seems to be missing that. That’s too bad.

She’s one of the reasons why I’m more eager to leave this job. I want to take all my resources and my remaining passion for teaching elsewhere.

GW

I’m so excruciatingly tired and fed up with this project. I hate it, not for its planning component, but for the part of being rushed and monitored and having to cater to every whim of the stupid manager who has absolutely no teaching background. He puts demands on me that are either not followed by support or they’re followed by empty promises. Two days ago, he asked me to go to the library and find student resources that I could use.

Are you kidding me?? I know he thinks I operate in an entirely different time zone where work lasts for 24 hours, people don’t sleep, eat, catch up with their family, or take care of themselves but rather hide in their cloisters and count the hours until they can serve their almighty Big Man. Give me a break. I’m not going to no library or do any extra work at home.

This is actually my fault. I made the mistake of taking the initiative of taking work home in the early stages of the project; going to bookstores and libraries gathering resources. I did this because I had time back then (I’m not sure how because I was juggling school at the same time. Oh yes, I remember. When I was in school, I had these facilities at arms reach. I was always in our school library and always browsing through bookstores so I could always spare one hour to find things for work.) But now, I’m lucky if I have time to sleep. I’m running on 3 hours of sleep everyday. If I want to go anywhere, I have to plan it out real well because I have to go out of my way to drive wherever I want to go. Things are never on my way or easily accessible to me anymore.

A few weeks ago, he saw I had a bunch of English library books on my desk so he probably got to thinking that I do this often in my spare time. Actually, the truth is, I went to the library to get books for my course assignment and I had 15 extra minutes so I browsed through the resources to get me some 5-10 books. The last time I went to the library was last year.

Anyway, he saw my willingness to do this so he takes it for granted that I will continue to do that. He hasn’t realized that it’s not the same anymore. Also, even more importantly, he doesn’t realize that it’s rather brazen to request that of me. So now it’s becomes my unpaid job to go gallivanting across town to meet the needs of this project? How dare he ASK me to do that? You don’t just demand people to do unpaid work for you whether or not they have time to spare. He can shove his requests up his ass. Let HIM gather material. He’s always napping the afternoon anyway. It’s ridiculous. It’s utterly idiotic and rude. Who does he think I am? I’m not his daughter. I’m not his wife. Why doesn’t he just screw off? It’s like he’s taking advantage of my kindness and commitment to this project.

Well, we’ll just see about that. I am very spiteful in these situations. Not only am I NOT going to gather resources on my time outside of work, I’m going to go out of my way to NOT do so. In fact, my course ends next week and I have a few days off during the Canada Day weekend so I’m going to make it a point to NOT do any work-related activities, you can count on that!

That was nice to get it off my shoulders.

J called me. When? Everyday so far minus the weekends. There are some peculiarities about him. When he ends a conversation, he does so abruptly. He says things like, “Hey, can we continue this tomorrow? I can’t really hear you over the static,” or “Hey, can I call you back? My phone is dying.” Yesterday it was, “Hey, can I call you tomorrow? I think I have some things to do.” Isn’t it odd? And they’re so unanticipated. Usually when a person wants to go, they talk less or they’re tone sounds slightly disinterested but not him. He talks pretty excitedly right up to the point where he asks to end the conversation. I’d like to think that’s how he is with everyone but I find it rather disrespectful. Once, he did it when I was in the middle of telling him something. He cut me short (something about phone static).

The other thing is, is that he shoots down my ideas of getting together pretty easily and casually. I played with the idea of getting together last week with him and our other friends (so no pressure) on the weekend. His response was something along the lines of “I don’t know. We’ll see.”

Then two days, (I go into this with detail 2 paragraphs after this one) he bought a movie for me and I suggested we watch it together, half kidding of course because with our schedule, that’s impossible. His response was something like: “I don’t think so. You work a lot!”

What?? Hello! I wasn’t seriously intending on that (it’s true I work a lot—I top about 60 hrs a week, that’s not including marking time) but throw me a bone, will ya!? I’m pretty sure he didn’t say those things to offend me or try to steer clear of dating me because why then would he call me every day? To be nice? Yeah, right.

The nice thing about him is when he says he’ll call me tomorrow, he always does. There was once (on Thursday night) when he didn’t say he’ll call me tomorrow, and he didn’t. He told me at the first chance he got that he had to cover someone else’s shift because there was a staff shortage.

We’ve been talking about movies a lot lately. I had mentioned to him that I really like “Why do fools fall in love” with Hally Barry along with “The Associate” with Whoopi Goldberg and to my surprise, he told me he bought me “Why do fools fall in love”! I was kind of thrown back because things weren’t progressing much. He said the only trick now is finding time to drop it off at my house because, even though we live so close to each other, we’re both so busy.

I mentioned to him that I have the Canada Day weekend off. I just left it at that—didn’t suggest we do anything. I’ll let him invite me out if he wants to get together with me. I don’t want to be shot down again. Third time’s a strike—and then I’m going to stop having an interest in him, or maybe I’ll be frank with him. His shyness is endearing right now but I can foretell that it’s going to irritate me—especially if he doesn’t initiate things with me.

GW

I’ve wanted to talk about Reese for a while. He’s so cute. He reminds of Ruben Studdard, the African American singer who won American Idol years back. He’s like a big teddy bear. Everything about him is so adorable and lovable; his smile, his eyes, his deep soft voice. Too bad I can’t do anything about it.

I don’t know what to do about J. On the one hand, my mind is telling me to focus my energy somewhere else. Get to all those ever-accumulating errands of mine (get a new shelf, a new pc desk, a new chest of drawers and throw out the old one, mend all those clothes that are coming undone, buy the list of movies I want so to be prepared when I get my own classroom, catch up on all those books that I bought by Sophie Kinsella but never got the time to read them.)

On the other hand, my heart is telling me to redirect my focus on developing relationships because up until now all I have done was focus on school. It’s always been top priority, but school is done now so what else is left? I’m sorry it didn’t work out with J before but why can’t it work out now? It’s safe to assume he’s just shy (he did say he is) and doesn’t know how to make the right move, but is being shy the same thing for men as I understand it to be for ladies? I know when ladies are shy, they don’t say much, even in a group, and they don’t ever call the guy, or ask to see him, etc. Is that likewise for guys? I don’t want to mention this to any of my guy friends for fear of making myself so transparent.

Nobody knows but Cher, who, by the way, still hasn’t gotten rid of her nasty habit of bursting people’s bubbles. She always finds a way to dampen a spark of hope. A week ago, I mentioned J to her and after a little update on him (I mentioned that he was promoted manager) she says to me, “Yeah, but everyone is a manager there.” What she meant was, everyone gets promoted there. Get a clue, they do NOT get promoted there. Then later I mention that I may be interested in him. She said, “Well, just don’t get your hopes up. You know, until you know how he feels, too.” What was that?!? She was really pushing my buttons then but I chose not to go to my angry place right away because there’s no closing THAT fuse. If she wanted, I have a truckload of crap that I could throw back at her face.

Like the fact that she’s nearly 30 and STILL trying to earn a diploma. Like the fact that she has been kicked out of school 3 times now because of her constant failings and has a running GPA of 1. Like the fact that she has an equally loser boyfriend who also hasn’t earned a diploma/degree and is coasting on his over inflated job title. Like the fact that her desperation to get married mocks the very idea that she thinks she can make up what she lacks by getting hitched. Like that fact that her life is a culmination of excuses and cheatings and fraudulent behaviour. Shall I go on? Or should I put the cap back on this fuse?

I don’t like to hear myself saying these things. But I don’t like to be pushed and one of these days, I haven’t yet, but I will give her a taste of her own medicine, show her how it feels like to put someone’s hopes down. She, of all people, is in no place to do that.

Well, J called today just after midnight. We talked about what movies we liked, how we spent our weekend (he works a lot), and how ridiculously close to each other we live. I had no idea all this time. To think that we knew each other since high school and we never knew! I could walk to his house right now in 2 minutes, have a little chat and come back home.

I have my very own boy next door.

GW

An old fling of mine, Ira, once said woman want jerks. They want ***holes who treat their women like crap. What he meant was woman don’t want a man who cares for them too much. They want, instead, according to the said expert, someone who is disinterested and often neglectful. In other words, I guess, someone who’s perpetually provides resistance and a bit of a challenge. The last point makes a degree of sense, I think. For many things, working to get something has a satisfying feeling to it. It becomes more valued. You take it for granted less.

Well, this was a lot of talk for someone like Ira who was unbelievably passive. He was like a variation of a jerk. Half the time I was screaming at him in my mind, "Throw me a bone, will ya!"

Once, I nearly had a panic attack because I found out I wouldn't be graduating at an intended time (spring) because I was half a credit short. I was afraid this was going to interfere with my teacher's college application. At the time that I found out, I was already IN teacher's college but I had thought this new development was going to terminate my admission to teacher's college. It so happened that it didn't terminate anything but before I knew this, I was talking to Ira about it, clearly distressed and worried. His response was a muffled, "Oh." And then a long pause.

It's like I was talking to a wall! I got no emotion or feeling from him! I often complained to him about it. I used to joke with him that I want to make him super angry so that I can see a little passion out of him. That he was devoid of passion and should be more expressive. He said to me that after a discussion with his friends, his friends said he (Ira) is the most passionate person they know.

What a joke.

It’s just come to my realization something a little of interest. I’ve always liked names that begin with the letter J. I always said that if I have baby boys, they’re all going to be named names that I’ve already plotted out: Joseph, Jordan, Jacob, Jeremiah, John. Now I noticed that my favourite song artists have names that begin with J: John Mayor, Norah Jones, Frankie Lymon Jr. My favourite kind of songs is jazz. I’m also kinda sorta have an interest in a guy named Justin whose birthday is in July and 5 days away from mine. Recently I’ve been on the hunt for the movie “Jumangi”. I live on a street with a name beginning with J...

I guess we can all find connections somewhere if we look hard enough but I thought this was a few too many connections. I think the stars may be all lined up in the heavens and a divine scheme is being laid out; else it is a big sign to something? Or maybe Grace is finally losing her marbles.

I had a fun time shopping with the K-man yesterday. Just breathing in the fresh cool air was reason enough to have a good day. He bought two swanky shirts on account of my fabulous fashion guidance. I myself didn't buy any clothes however; I was feeling slightly horrible that day. I had tried to fax out my resume to 4 Durham schools and none of them went through. So I have to email them tomorrow, I suppose.

J didn't call today. I'm very very tempted to over-analyze this but I'll defer it to a later date. It's too soon to tell anything right now anyway. We haven't actually went out together yet. We've just been talking on the phone everyday for the past couple of days. We'll see how it goes but I have an irritating feeling that he won't be taking any risks with me. He won't put himself on the line and make himself vulnerable in part because he's kinda shy and also, (I'm not proud of this) I brushed him off a couple of years ago when he was interested in me. I disgust myself. Won't it be a kick if he brushes me off this time around?

Well, it was a different time and a different place. I shouldn't dwell on bygones.

I'm almost caught up with my reflections for class. I just have to type them out. Then I have to concentrate on the 30% report due a week from today on ADHD students. I hope I get another A!

I gave a call to the TDSB today and asked about this elusive employee number that I'm supposed to have but turns out that because I'm on the ETH list, I'm meant to apply to contract/permanent positions first which come out in June. For this, I don't need an employee number. The intention is to fill all the contract positions first before September and then fill the occasional positions second. In the event that ETH candidates don't find contract positions, then they are placed on the occasional list, in which case, further documents will be mailed out to them instructing them on how to proceed to apply to occasional listings or to do supply work. This is when they'll need their employee number.

I feel better now.

I haven't decided about taking another AQ course for this summer. I wanted to take ESL part 1. I think I may go ahead with it as soon as I finish this current class. I can't wait to see this AQ updated on my certificate.

GW