Too Of Everything
That’s one for me on the stupid score board. John Mayer would have said to me, “Your stupid mouth has got you in trouble. You said too much again.” I’m not in trouble exactly…I’ll start from the beginning.
Last night was fantastic, more than fantastic. I wish there were more nights like these but unfortunately they are only once a year occurrences (on a long weekend). I met up with Habs there and I ran into Fil's brother Hen and my university pal, Haiat. I realized I missed her when I saw her. She brought me up to date with her life. She confessed that she wants to continue with her teacher’s ed. and is planning to apply this year and then to get more experience, she was thinking of travelling abroad somewhere like France where one of her friends is there teaching elementary. I told her about my desire and partial plans to teach abroad but didn’t have anyone to do it with. So long story short, she and I will sign up together in February to teach in France. It sounds like it could be a thrill.
5 hours after I arrived, the inevitable happened. I saw Fil. He saw me. He came over and then we hugged. I hate that I missed him a lot. We exchanged inaudable "how are yous" because it was so loud. He seemed very casual at first, and only later seemed to be a little nervous. I can't remember how the topic of Friday night talent show came up but it did and I said that I didn't go. Then he said "That's okay. You probably got too busy with your stuff." I replied "Not at all." "No?" "No. I just felt that maybe you didn't want me there because you called so late and--" "I called so late?" "Yeah, I thought that was your way of telling me not to be there so I wasn't there." (I really shouldn't have said that. Not busy? Of course I was busy).
This was the part that bugged me. He said, "Why would I not want you to be there? I'd want everyone to be there, especially if its something they've never been to." What the f--- do I care about "everyone"? I'm talking about me! Well, I changed the subject and he told be about how busy he'd been all weekend.
Anyway, my stupidity doesn't stop there. When I was on my way to go home, Haiat left me with this after talking with Fil's brother, Hen, "I have to tell you something but we'll talk tomorrow." "What is it?" "Another time." "Good news?" "Yes. Fil does like you but just take it slow and get to know him better."
Oh. My. God. Say no more. I knew exactly what she was talking about. I committed a "Grace". Only I can do something like that--become so wildly attracted to someone and then blow it by getting too intense and moving too fast. I did that once before. I didn't count on it happening again. But it's happened. I truly thought we were on the same page. Did I become so delusional in the past few weeks that I chose to see and hear only what I wanted to? I think I messed up.
I have the urge to tell him the next time he calls to not call me for the next few weeks because I am just way too crazy about him and I don't know what the next foolish thing I'm going to say. It's unbelievable, really. There were 1000 cute guys there and I could only think of one.
One date. It's been one date and he brings me to my knees. We need a new word for this.
Sometime still in the late evening, Hen asked me to come to Fil's long overdue grad surprise party at his house. It's just an idea right now. I'm not sure if it'll happen. I'm not sure if I'll be available.
Finally, we took a series of pictures, my $400 camera turned out to be a bust. Some pictures were blurry, some dark, only a few came out nice. Fil and I only took 1 picture together. It was one of the few that came out nice but the best one was of him and Haiat. It was absolutely positively gorgeous. It was the most natural photo of two people I've taken. Too bad I wasn't in it.
Other insignificant details: I woke up this morning and the smoke from all the roasting coffee that the women folk like to do clung to my hair. I didn’t have time to wash it this morning so I went to work smelling like coffee as well as, interestingly enough, Fil's scent. It was still lingering on me even though I showered this morning. Either that or he and I use the same cream.
I didn't even begin to gather all the forms I need for tomorrow's session in the morning nor have I located where I need to be on the map. Shoot.
A few days ago, it hit me that J has become me in a twisted way. J has been really good to me but I'm treating him the way Fil treats me--ignoring his calls sometimes, no longer emailing him. That's pretty crummy, eh? But I don't want to hurt his feelings by telling him outright that I'm not interested. I'm hoping he'll get the hint eventually.
I'm really disappointed to say it but I think this parallels Fil's thoughts. I think he's hoping I'll get the hint eventually. I will. Eventually. I just want to fight for him just one last time.
GW
Last night was fantastic, more than fantastic. I wish there were more nights like these but unfortunately they are only once a year occurrences (on a long weekend). I met up with Habs there and I ran into Fil's brother Hen and my university pal, Haiat. I realized I missed her when I saw her. She brought me up to date with her life. She confessed that she wants to continue with her teacher’s ed. and is planning to apply this year and then to get more experience, she was thinking of travelling abroad somewhere like France where one of her friends is there teaching elementary. I told her about my desire and partial plans to teach abroad but didn’t have anyone to do it with. So long story short, she and I will sign up together in February to teach in France. It sounds like it could be a thrill.
5 hours after I arrived, the inevitable happened. I saw Fil. He saw me. He came over and then we hugged. I hate that I missed him a lot. We exchanged inaudable "how are yous" because it was so loud. He seemed very casual at first, and only later seemed to be a little nervous. I can't remember how the topic of Friday night talent show came up but it did and I said that I didn't go. Then he said "That's okay. You probably got too busy with your stuff." I replied "Not at all." "No?" "No. I just felt that maybe you didn't want me there because you called so late and--" "I called so late?" "Yeah, I thought that was your way of telling me not to be there so I wasn't there." (I really shouldn't have said that. Not busy? Of course I was busy).
This was the part that bugged me. He said, "Why would I not want you to be there? I'd want everyone to be there, especially if its something they've never been to." What the f--- do I care about "everyone"? I'm talking about me! Well, I changed the subject and he told be about how busy he'd been all weekend.
Anyway, my stupidity doesn't stop there. When I was on my way to go home, Haiat left me with this after talking with Fil's brother, Hen, "I have to tell you something but we'll talk tomorrow." "What is it?" "Another time." "Good news?" "Yes. Fil does like you but just take it slow and get to know him better."
Oh. My. God. Say no more. I knew exactly what she was talking about. I committed a "Grace". Only I can do something like that--become so wildly attracted to someone and then blow it by getting too intense and moving too fast. I did that once before. I didn't count on it happening again. But it's happened. I truly thought we were on the same page. Did I become so delusional in the past few weeks that I chose to see and hear only what I wanted to? I think I messed up.
I have the urge to tell him the next time he calls to not call me for the next few weeks because I am just way too crazy about him and I don't know what the next foolish thing I'm going to say. It's unbelievable, really. There were 1000 cute guys there and I could only think of one.
One date. It's been one date and he brings me to my knees. We need a new word for this.
Sometime still in the late evening, Hen asked me to come to Fil's long overdue grad surprise party at his house. It's just an idea right now. I'm not sure if it'll happen. I'm not sure if I'll be available.
Finally, we took a series of pictures, my $400 camera turned out to be a bust. Some pictures were blurry, some dark, only a few came out nice. Fil and I only took 1 picture together. It was one of the few that came out nice but the best one was of him and Haiat. It was absolutely positively gorgeous. It was the most natural photo of two people I've taken. Too bad I wasn't in it.
Other insignificant details: I woke up this morning and the smoke from all the roasting coffee that the women folk like to do clung to my hair. I didn’t have time to wash it this morning so I went to work smelling like coffee as well as, interestingly enough, Fil's scent. It was still lingering on me even though I showered this morning. Either that or he and I use the same cream.
I didn't even begin to gather all the forms I need for tomorrow's session in the morning nor have I located where I need to be on the map. Shoot.
A few days ago, it hit me that J has become me in a twisted way. J has been really good to me but I'm treating him the way Fil treats me--ignoring his calls sometimes, no longer emailing him. That's pretty crummy, eh? But I don't want to hurt his feelings by telling him outright that I'm not interested. I'm hoping he'll get the hint eventually.
I'm really disappointed to say it but I think this parallels Fil's thoughts. I think he's hoping I'll get the hint eventually. I will. Eventually. I just want to fight for him just one last time.
GW
0 Response to "Too Of Everything"
Post a Comment