Diary of a Wom'n

Aziz moved away today.

Earlier he had told me he was moving in Feb but as it turned out, he moved a little earlier than that.  It was today.  I had known for at least a week but it was only yesterday that it hit me like a brick.  All day today I had a sinking feeling in my stomach.  I wasn't quite prepared for him to leave.

Quickly this morning, I made him a card and got the class to write a note for him throughout the day.  In the afternoon, he left for a trip so when he returned by the end of the school day, I gave him the card and a movie I thought he might like, as well as his birthday bookmark.  Ms. Nic, who knew him since he was in grade 6, made him a banana cake.  She adores him too.  She had also taught his two brothers before Aziz.

I'm probably prolonging the hurt by doing this but throughout the day, I also took pictures of the class where he was in some of them.  I want to post these pictures in the class bulliten and perhaps contribute them to the grade 8 year book.

I can't even express into words the anguish I felt of realizing that he was going and that there will be an empty seat from now on.  I didn't realize that I got attached to him so much over these past few weeks.  A few weeks!  It's only been about 8 weeks since I started teaching here but it feels like half a year.

I know I said this before but Aziz is one in a million.  He has the biggest heart and the deepest soul.  He is a truly rare human being.  I pray that the next teacher who is lucky to have him appreciates him and takes care of him and nurtures this quality in him.  I hope that he stays on the right path and he doesn't meet any negative people or at the very least, let them influence him.  I want him to succeed and be all that he is.

This is truly one of the hardest moments in teaching.  You make these unexpected connections with kids and you realize this when you start to cry when they leave or get transfered.  As in my case - as soon as the school day was over and I finished dealing with other teachers and kids, I found a moment to myself and started to break down.  I couldn't hold it anymore.  And felt like something was pulling at my heart-strings.  And again when I mentioned it to Vick that Aziz left, I got teary.  I just miss him.  He was like a sunshine in my room.  He brought a dynamic to the class that reached out to every corner.  He was in a class of his own. 

I'm going to be looking out for him in the future because he is destined for great things.  I pray that I am fortunate and lucky enough to meet more Azizes in this world.  They make life better and happier.

Here's a bizaare dream I had last night. I was in some place - it looked like a building. I was there with Ben and we were both leaving together, all the while, saying so long to some aquaintances. Then, for a moment Ben went off to say hello to a group of women. He was within ear shot so I heard him talking about me, "Yeah, that's my girlfriend. She's a teacher. But she's a teacher for the teachers." At the time, I remember thinking, "Oh, my gosh. Why did he tell them that?" And then the second thought was "That's such a lie about me being a teacher for the teachers." But in the dream, I was thinking he must have done that to give the impression that there's a distance between he and I. That somehow it was okay.

GW

Looks like I had a moment there in the previous blog post below.  I was having a bad day.  It was when I discovered that one of my kids had had a terrible history growing up.  Her early years went by without her parents who left her behind in Africa and left to Canada.  Only when she did reunite with them, her father passed away shortly after.  Thereafter, her mom remarried and uprooted her from Canada and took her back to southern Africa for a few years where the language of study in the school there was the local language of the region.  Then she and her family moved back to Canada a few years after that.  The many upheavals in her life has impacted her socially and academically.  She had a psych report done in 06 I believe that indicates that to some degree, the experiences in her life is still affecting her.

And to add to all the disruption in her life, it was decided that she would transfer to another class specializing in kids like her.  I wish somebody did their job and found out that she had a learning problem and put her in the correct class from day one.  That way, we wouldn't have the issue of already developing connections and attachments.  And while I'm playing the blame game, I wish her mother had the common sense and heart to raise a child right.  Why would you have a child and then swing them around like a ball on a string?  Why destroy the very foundation that will define who they are and who they grow up to be?  I cannot understand it.

This girl is a beautiful soul.  She is a hard-worker and quiet as a mouse.  She has a keen way of identifying with characters or people that she reads about.  In her biography assignment (which was on William Shakespeare), she pointed out that she didn't like Shakespeare for one thing - it's that he left his family without telling them where he had gone to.  This tore me up.  She identified with this experience and expressed her feelings about it. 

I had a hard time swallowing all this in the beginning.  But what makes this a little bearable is that I see her often and I'm still her science teacher at he very least, even if I'm no longer her core teacher.  I'm also happy that she is in a class where the teacher is, I'm told, very great.  She needs somebody great.  Because she herself is great.

I miss my girl.

GW

That sentiment has always been there since the beginning of January 2006.  It was there when I graduated from teacher's college and it's still there now.

I hate having to implement all these new initiatives ON TOP of what we already have to do which is beyond a full plate already.  When you try to do too much all at once, you're really not going to produce anything effective.


I truly hate the kids that were born here and take for granted this life of luxury.  I also hate the kids that immigrated here and have turned footloose as a result of experiencing all the freedoms Canada and our school boards have to offer.  Their life of hardship and fear that they once lead is quickly forgotten and replaced instead with entitlement and arrogance.  And I hate the parents who bring children into this world only to destroy them.

Most of all, I hate having to "teach" a class of 30.  Teaching isn't a good word for what we do to be quite honest.  Maybe mentoring, entertaining, being a friend, counseling, care-giving - some would even go as far to say as glorified baby-sitting.  In any case, it's not teaching.  It's "keeping them busy for 10 months of the year".  And 30 is just an average.  I have been in classes where there were 40 kids in one classroom.  Insane?  Not if you're a board admin.

And finally, I hate what the school boards have become - weak, ineffectual, and soft.  Where is the authority that teachers and schools once had?  What factors contributed to it becoming diminished?  As it is, teachers have as much authority as a piñata does among a group of bat-wielding kids.  Is it any wonder why kids today are in the state they're in in terms of their academic performance?  Why should they do their homework or projects? Why should they study?  What's the teacher going to do?  Give them an IEP?  Call their parents who are just as unable to help?

The Canadian education system is a disaster.  We are ranked the lowest of the low in world stats.  We have an IEP for every child or at the very least, a label.  Their literacy and numeracy skills is in the toilet because our schedule is filled with so much crap that by the time you actually DO get to teach them something it's only for a total of maybe 20 minutes.

It's hard to say what's in store for me regarding this job come next September but I'm not going to lie, I hope the teacher I'm covering for comes back so I can leave and pursue something else.  It's making me feel hopeless and defeated.


It's going to be a long dreadful year.

GW

On Wednesday evening of this week, I stopped off at Walmart to pick up some supplies for a science experiment that I was going to do for my science classes the next day.  I needed dry yeast, balloons, and food colouring.  I got them all but inadvertently picked something else up - the acquaintance of my ex-boyfriend.

It happened a few steps away from the entrance of the store.  I hadn't yet picked up my blue basket when I suddenly heard my name being called from the right.  I turned to look and chills immediately ran down my back.  This was the person who had turned into a semi-stalker years ago, who had hounded me through the phone a 100 times a day which was the reason why I had to change my number, and who had borrowed $400 from me and never returned it.  I had only a split second to sock him in the eye with the blue basket or take the high road, square my shoulders and say hello.

I took the high road.  We chatted a bit and he danced around the question he wanted to ask me: can we get together again?  What he asked was, do you have time for coffee?  I said no and soon after he asked what my situation was in terms of relationships.  To avoid having a battle with him about going out with me again,  I told him I was married.  When I told him that, he stiffened up and the perkiness in him dissipated.  He said that it should have been him who married me.  I asked about his situation but as I suspected, he wasn't with anyone.  No good woman would go out with him or stay with him for long.  However, he did say that he has a son now from his ex-girlfriend from 3 years ago.  Apparently, he had to go through some legal battle with her about having shared custody of the child.

Listening to the way his life has unfolded and watching the way he continues to walk with a limp from a knee injury made me feel rather sorry for him.  Nothing has changed with him.  Nothing has gotten better.  He's got nothing to show for all these years that have passed.  What a waste.

He walked me to the checkout and offered to pay for my items, and then walked me to my car.  Before we parted, he wished me a good happy life and hoped that it will work out for me.  He didn't ask for my contact info or if we could keep in touch.  We said good-bye, I got into my car and drove away.

This is how Joanne, the special ed teacher met her husband...

About 9 years ago, she went on a 2-week tour with a tour group to the southwestern states of the US.  There she met Neal (not his real name, I forgot his real name) who was coming from Australia.  He was only there for the first week of the tour though because he wanted to visit his sister who was living in one of the cities they were touring.  Joanne and Neal exchanged numbers and before he left for Australia, he called her on the phone and told her he'd call once he arrived back home.  At first, Joanne wasn't sure how far this would go and wasn't sure if it would even work out but sure enough he called and they kept in touch.  About a year later, he got a work visa while he was just shy of 30, to come to work in Canada.  At that point they were able to spend more time with each other.  After that, they got engaged and eventually married.  Incidentally, about a week ago, her husband officially became a Canadian citizen.

GW

There's a grade 7 teacher at our school who is also named Courtney.  And as my luck goes, he started hitting on me after seeing me a couple of times in the school.  I am happy to share lunch dates with him while at school and maybe a walk during duty times but that's about it.  The last thing I want is to screw up a good thing (my job) by having a relationship with someone I work with.  To add to that, it would make matters quite awkward if we had a fallout.  We couldn't think objectively.  We would be too busy finding ways to avoid each other.

GW

Vick, who's the girl's gym teacher at our school, told me about how she met her husband of 3 years...

Before meeting Gus (her husband), Vick was going through one bad relationship after another and Steve, another teacher at our school, was aware of this.  While Vick was dating these men, Steve had in mind a man for her and often told her so.  One day, Vick took up Steve's offer to meet Gus.  They had their first date at a restaurant and Vick recalls how standoffish she was during their date.  This was because by this point, she was a little tired of men and wasn't hopeful about Gus.  Also, before Gus, Vick was often overly nice to her boyfriends and was beginning to realize that men didn't like that and rather found it a desparate attempt on her part to get married.  She later learned that Gus found her standoffishness a turn-on.  Well, as it turned out, the two hit it off and one date led to another and then finally to marriage.  She is now expecting her first child due sometime in February.

GW

This blog is turning out to be the chronicles of my teaching experience. I'm not keeping up with the updates though.  Well, I'm into my 5th week, I just realized that right now.  It feels as though I'm still in my 3rd week.  Things are starting to fall into place and I'm starting to see things from a better perspective.

I have to say, my class drives me up the wall with their constant interruption of me when I'm speaking.  I have to come up with a system where they can monitor their own behaviour instead of me always reminding them to be quiet.  I also don't like that they ask me to use the washroom, take a drink, go to the lockers, 100 times a day.  There are times where for one period straight, there is a constant flow of students coming and going from the classroom for various things.

One of my favourite things about my class is Aziz.  He is truly a gift from God.  I've met very very few kids like him who have a heart of gold.  He is the type of child who is very intuitive and has a heightened sense of how another human being feels.  He is the type who will truly give of himself to help another person.  At school, we have a door-decorating contest for Halloween and I asked the kids to bring in decoration - Aziz brought in items the very next day.  When I stand and wait for the class to be quiet, he is the one who is proactive and tells everyone to listen to the teacher.  If there was a drowning boy in a lake in the middle of winter, Aziz wouldn't be the one dialing 911 or calling for help, he would be the one to jump into the frigid waters to pull the boy out.

People like Aziz are one in a million.  Today after school, I had a math-help session with a few students and Aziz was one of them.  After we finished, however, Aziz stayed behind to start decorating the door.  Whereas most kids would want to leave school the first opportunity they get, Aziz stayed behind to contribute to the school spirit.

I don't know what I'm going to do without him in February when he moves to his new school.  I asked him if he wants to continue his education and graduate at this school with the rest of his friends but he opted to go to his new school because he said the transition to grade 9 would be easier in terms of making friends.  What a bright cookie he is.  It's going to be a sad day for all of us the day he leaves because Aziz is loved by everybody.  He is just a wonderful beautiful human being and I know he will grow up to do great things in his life.

As Halloween is coming up, my kids are very excited about all the events taking place at our school so nearer the day, I'll take pictures of my crazies and post them here.

GW

My LTO officially starts on Tuesday.  I'm so happy about this.  I feel especially lucky because I have an awesome sweet class.  They are a very friendly and caring group of kids.  There are still the little personality clashes but for the most part they are gentle and they don't make fun of each other.

The other thing I love about my class is that they are so diverse.  I have students from Cuba, Albania, Serbia, Sri Lanka, Lebanon, Sudan, Romania, Jamaica, Korea, and the list goes on.  I want to tie this aspect into a unit later down the year.  

I'm confident this job will last until June as Joanne assured me.  Ms. Handy is on mat leave right now and isn't quite in a position to come back.  I hoping and praying she doesn't come back in September as well and that this position is open as a permanent position and they give it to me!  If it does turn into a permanent, I know I will get the job.  I fit with the dynamic of the school and I just love being there.  But I won't hold my breath.

The second week has been great - much much better than the first.  I moved into my new room on Monday and from there, things started falling into place.  I still have to put paper on the new bulletin boards that I have and today I bought a few baskets for an IN and OUT box.  I'm armed with math resources and stickers now.  But I am nowhere near where I need to be in terms of planning.

For example, I still have to

1. read on and prepare IEPs for two of my core kids and a few of my science rotary kids
2. catch up on my reflections relating with student anecdotes
3. read the MYP binder and gather more ideas about how to gear my teachings according to it
4. create a science plan for term one
5. learn the report card program
6. get a school library card
7. get a few remaining office supplies
8. create a math plan for term one
9. create a literacy plan for Iqbal: A Novel
10. establish deadlines for Biography, History, and Science assignments.

...I'm going to stop there for now, even though there are a lot more things to do.

One thing I have to mention is Hans has made such progress from the first week I was here.  He's subdued and less talkative and less loud.  I'm happy about the progress but he isn't where he should be yet.  He still requires constant supervision in order for him to actually do the work.

One step at a time.

GW

The LTO I spoke about earlier is mine - although officially it won't be mine until I serve 10 days.  The admin seems to think positively of me, on account of the raving reviews I got from Courtney.  You were "highly-recommended" is their catch phrase for me.  I'm glad but I'm concerned that they may have a deviated picture of me - I think they think I'm some wonder-woman who can create razzle-dazzle in the classroom.  But I'm not an entertainer - I'm a diligent, hard-working teacher.  And I'll go over and beyond for my kids.

So, anyway, how is the new job going?  Let's see...I work from 7.45 am to 8.30 pm straight, I have zero resources for my kids, 5 hrs of sleeping time maximum, the kids are starting to irritate me, I don't know what the hell I'm doing, and I'm constipated.  The past few days have been bru-tal.  Today I wondered if I bit off more than I can chew and seriously considered backing away from this job.

But then I thought, it's only been my third day.  It's always hard the first couple of weeks.  After a while, I'll get into the swing of things.  Sure I'll make mistakes here and there, I'll annoy a lot of teacher's by asking them too many questions or borrowing their resources frequently, get black-listed by kids who decide they don't like me, and maybe I may fall down the stairs occasionally, but in the end, I'll be a better and more seasoned person.  I'll no longer be a rookie.

I planned to write reflections about my students' behaviour and any anecdotal references that would be useful for parent-teacher conferences, when discussing students with the principal or vp, or just for my own record keeping, but I literally have no time to do so.  It's 9.53 pm as we speak.  I only got home 45 min. ago.  I still haven't eaten or got myself organized for tomorrow or typed out what I had planned to do for tomorrow.

I wish I can give more details as to what else has been going on but it'll have to wait until the weekend.

GW

I'm loving Al Green's music right now.  One of my favourites is "I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry".  Here are the lyrics:

Did you hear that lonesome whippoorwill
He sounds too good to fly
The midnight train whining low
I'm so lonesome I could cry, cry

Did you ever seen a night so long
When time goes crawling by
The moon just went behind a cloud
And I'm so lonesome that I feel I could cry, I could cry

Did you see, ever see a robin weep
When leaves begin to die?
Like me he's lost the will to live
And I'm so lonesome I could cry
[Incomprehensible] I could cry

The silence of a falling star
Lights up a purple sky
And as I wonder, wonder where you are
I'm so lonesome I could cry, cry, I could cry

And as I wonder, wonder where you are
I'm so lonesome I could cry
If you let me, oh no
[Incomprehensible]
I wonder where you are
I'm so lonesome I could cry
It seems to me
I'm so lonesome I could cry
I could cry, I could cry

GW

So where does my confidence lie?  I suppose it lies in my capabilities in my job.  I know I do my job well, I may not be perfect but I'm committed and will go the distance every time.  The returns are 10-fold when I see the looks of the students that I supply teach brighten when they see me or when I hear comments like, "Miss. Grace, you're a great teacher".  That knowledge gives me confidence.

If I had a boyfriend/husband, I know I would also find confidence and strength through him.  I would feel supported and that emotionally, I'd be stronger when dealing with stressful situations.

I could sure use a boyfriend right now.  I'm nervous as hell.  I'm starting a potential LTO tomorrow.  It's starting off as just supply teaching for 2 weeks straight but on the 11th day it'll turn into an LTO but whether I get the LTO all hinges on the critical fact that the VP and principal like me and the job I do and if they feel I suit the school.  Otherwise, at the end of that 2-week period or 1-week even, they can decide to choose somebody else for the job.  And legally, they have to interview at least 5 people before deciding on one.  Although I do have a leg up on all those interviewees as they will have seen my work, it could go either way.  It's a possibility that they could like somebody else.

This is how I came to get this opportunity.  Courtney told me about it and said that an LTO teacher is needed who could teach Gr. 8 Science and core subjects at another school.  I told him I'm all for it so he asked for my resume and he passed it off to the VP of that school who had requested for a teacher.  Then the following evening, I got a call from the VP to ask if I'm interested and that I can start on Monday.  He also said to arrange for my other supply teaching assignments at the other schools to be canceled so that I can work at this school for the rest of the week.

I'm confident that he'll like my work ethic.  I think after I get through the first day, I'll be just fine.  I think this is just first-day nerves.

This evening I took a walk down Port Union by Lake Ontario.  What a gorgeous little site it is.  The spot where the big rocks are is my favourite.  During the day when the sky is blue and the horizon is clear, you could sit on the rocks for hours.  It's quite peaceful and serene.  I'd like to go back there during the day.  This evening was nice too but there aren't many lights to brighten the place.  Also, the water was a bit foggy.  You couldn't see far out into the lake.

I know who would absolutely love this spot - Tristan.  I ought to show him this place.


GW

As I was driving home today, I wondered about something.  Some people are teeming with confidence whereas others have absolutely none.  For those that do have a lot of confidence, where does that confidence come from?  What is the source?  Are they just born with it?

I've read (in an article that discussed the pros of high-heeled shoes) that woman can get a boost of confidence just by wearing high-heeled shoes.  Their back is straighter and their posture is more solid.

I noticed also some people, men or women, find their source of confidence in a partner; a boyfriend, husband, life partner.  Knowing that they aren't facing the world on their own makes them more confident.

Some get it from their sense of independence.  This would apply to those that just left their nest and are beginning to make their own decisions, rules and flesh out a map for their life.

Those who have had an admirable number of years of education accompanied by degrees would probably find confidence in their own aptitude, accomplishments and their status gained through education.

Men and women who work hard to be physically fit find their source of confidence in their physical appearance.  Knowing that the image they present to the world is a beautiful one gives them that confidence.

Where does my confidence lie?  I'll have to think about that one and get back to you.

GW

I changed my blog template once again.  The other template had glitches unfortunately.  And I really liked that old design with the scrappy pictures and notebook.

Yesterday I had a serious writer's block.  I didn't feel like writing nor did I know what to write about.  I hate those days.  It's like the light in my mind was switched off.

I met a woman last school year at JB who creates jewelry as a part-time gig to sustain her during times she didn't have much work as her line of work is sporadic.  I wondered if she made any money in it - the items didn't look that great.  I didn't want to ask.  And then a few days ago, I browsed through Walmart and I realized why some people make jewellery.  There were rows and rows of beautiful beads, charms and other trinkets that you can coordinate to create your designs.  The beauty of it all wasn't so much making big money, although that would be nice, but rather, the joy of creating a piece of art.  The possibilities of what you can design are endless.  I was so tempted to pick up a few items but I don't even have the basic know-how of creating jewellery so I opted to learn the basics first and then try my hand at it.

I talked to Tristan last night.  I can't even explain my feelings for him.  In so many ways, he's just like Justin, except in some areas, Tristan might even be worse.  He's extremely shy, lives with his parents, doesn't appear to have particular goals at the moment, he's slow to act on things (he didn't sign on to facebook yet, or has commented on my site) and if it matters, I think he's a virgin.  He's not the type to fool around with girls.  Should that be a good thing?

But there isn't a doubt, he's got that something.  He's got such depth to his soul, I can't explain it.  He always wants to know more about the person he talks with, always asks the right questions, always ponders about profound matters, always says your name before he says good-bye.

Oh I need help.

GW

I taught 2 days so far at Joseph Brant. It's been great so far. The grade 8s have matured a bit, except for a few: Shomar, Shaniya, Jamila, Chris and some others I can't recall. But they are all largely good kids.

I've added a countdown timer to count down the days left until I visit Eritrea. At that point I'm going to start a travel blog.

Today's entry is going to be a short one.

GW

Yesterday was my first day of supply teaching! And what a relief it was! It was a fantastic day. I had a student teacher from York University, Julie, in the class. She's a wonderful person, I can't say enough great things about her. She has such a warm, down-to-earth personality. And she's had a ton of international experience teaching and travelling. She got to explore different countries, meet a lot of different people, and learn a lot about the different education systems out there. I was floored when she talked about all the places she's been to (South Korea, Costa Rica, parts of Africa, India, Sri Lanka, Taiwan, Japan, China, Indonesia... and the list goes on!) And she's only 31.

She had a lot of things to tell but alas, there are only so many hours in the day. She talked about how different the culture is in South Korea from that of Canada where the people there are more rigid, abrasive, and how they take criticism as attacks to their personality. They are closed minded, for lack of a better word. The children there are also heavily pushed academically and with extra-curricular activities. For example, after a grueling series of academic classes, children are shuffled off to ballet classes, music classes, ti-kwon-doe classes and the like. Parents want their children to be well-rounded. The downside to this though is that children have no down time at all for themselves. They are always working, studying, practicing or doing something. Every minute of every day is accounted for. Julie said that the kids don't even have time to eat properly. She often sees them on the bus quickly eating street food on their way to their next violin practice. It seems that family together time is of little priority. When Julie told me that Korea has the second highest suicide rate, second to Japan, I wasn't surprised. The youths there are pushed way too much to excel and it's impeding other areas of development such as learning how to cope, learning how to socialize, learning how to accept failure and then get back on their feet.

Something very shocking that Julie also noted was that Koreans condone plastic surgery. The majority of them have done some kind of minor work on their faces or bodies. The most common procedure is eye surgery. Koreans wish to have eye lids like those of non-Asian decent. In fact, one of her students in elementary school was encouraged by her mother to get her eyes done!

Koreans also don't honour contracts. In Canada, what's written in a contract is binding. In fact, when a disagreement occurs, the contract is the police, lawyer, and judge. But in Korea, managers only volunteer to adhere to the articles of the contract, he's not obligated to honour the contract. That's dangerous. And fraudulent.

I asked her about Sri Lanka. She said she liked it and enjoyed experiencing the lifestyle. She said it was a little scary as she faced men with machine guns at every check point checking documentation and asking questions.

She didn't like India that much and she said she may not return as a tourist but perhaps as someone who will help out the society of the poor. She didn't like the extreme and violent poverty that exists there. The most devastating of all, children, even babies are kidnapped, held captive and taken to the streets to beg for money. The kidnappers of course take what the children collect. It was very hard to hear this.

She said she would like to teach abroad again but would like to see what opportunities come up for her here in Toronto first. I will definitely keep in contact with her.

The grade 6 students at Morrish this year were so fantastic. I love them. It's still a big class (37 students!) but they are a sweet bunch of kids. They are respectful, cooperative, and so pleasant as children. To get them to be quiet, all I have to do is say shhhhh and a blanket of silence will gradually settle over them. It's wonderful. I hope I return real soon!

GW

Earlier I mentioned that Justin and I got into a fight. To recap, he pledged to accompany me to my friend's wedding a few Sundays ago. We even shopped for new outfits together for it. Well, Sunday rolls around and I still don't hear from him.

When does he call? Midnight. I was mad as hell. I refused to talk to him for two weeks although he consistently called me every night to try to talk.

Finally he wrote me an email msg filled with the most confusing metaphors and allusions. By the time I finished reading, I'd hoped it would all make sense to me like a puzzle but it didn't. I was confused and pissed because I only understood one line throughout the meaningless drivel in which he apologized for not attending the wedding with me. I thought, gee thanks for that one line.

Anyway, I emailed him back and explained that he has a problem with being passive. I told him that he's not good at solving problems at all when it comes to friends and that he'd rather hide like a scared turtle until he feels its safe to come out into the world. That way, he doesn't have to confront the problem and by then the problem will have "went away". Obviously that's not how the world works.

Well, the end of the story is that we're talking but I don't think he's going to change anytime soon. He's pretty stuck in his passive ways. He doesn't take much charge of his life or make any contributions to the world. He's the type that waits for things to happen or hopes someone else will take care of it. He can be a huge disappointment at times. I seriously doubt he'll ever get married. I think he's going to follow in his older brother's footsteps and live at home with his parents for the rest of his life.

GW

Yesterday I was on the hunt for vintage rings that resemble the one I have but these are the closest ones I could find.





I love this one with the black ribbon circling the middle. And the band has interesting detail.









This one is a bit plain but very classy and understated. I like that the diamonds run along the band as well.









This one is my favourite. It resembles mine the most. I love that the diamond clusters are small and they are encased in the metal which acts as a border. I love that it looks like a flower. And I love how there is a space between the centre diamond and the clusters - they're not all melded together. When it's like this, they show their individual beauty.








How unique to pair a pearl and diamonds in a ring. But it looks dazzling. The pearl almost looks like a big diamond. The pearl in the middle seems to signify purity and chastity to me.










I think this one looks very vintage.





This one is a show-stopper. Very unique and ornate. But I don't like the way the band splits when it nears the front (just like the previous ring) although it suits this ring perfectly. I'm not a fan of this style of band.






This one has to be my second favourite. It has more diamonds than mine and the centre diamond is larger than the rest. I think this is an Edwardian style ring. Again, this one looks like a flower, which I love.








This one is gorgeous. The picture is a bit small but you can see the simplicity of the band and the ornate setting of the stone clusters.









This one is called diamond daisy.  So pretty.  This one looks a lot like mine.  It has almost the same number of diamonds on the outside.







What I love about all these rings is that they are so feminine. They are perfect for anybody who wants to complement their hands and fingers. They're not for the modern chick. I would love to buy these rings but unfortunately, jewelry shops today mostly hold modern or tacky jewelry, not so much special rings from different eras. For now, I'll just admire these pictures and the one vintage diamond ring I have. I'll have to take a picture of it and post it here.

GW

A conversation I had with Courtney gave me a deeper understanding into his values and his perspective on life. First of all, he's very sexually active - makes me wonder if he is at all concerned about contracting anything or whether he gets tested regularly. Well, we got to talking about sex and he tells me that he won't marry a woman unless he knows how she is in bed - to quote him, "You won't buy the ride unless you've taken a test drive".

Hm. I didn't know where to begin to debate this one. This can't be the mentality of all men. It can't be.

Maybe it's just different for women. There's more at stake for us. In addition to STDs there's accidental pregnancy. How do you fix that without any moral repercussions? You can't.

Going back to what Courtney said - it's attitudes like that that push naive women to give in to a man and not think of the consequences; women who have no self-control; women who are insecure. Sadly, this will always be the case. Some women will never have been taught their worth growing up, and as adults, will never know their own worth.

Losing a man over sex doesn't phase me one bit. Him, I can get back. If I lose me, I'm gone for good.

GW

A few days ago, I handed my boss a document and said to him, "This might be really good to use for our upcoming math contest". He started leafing through it and looking at the questions and said some things.

Then he says, "Hmm, you know, we could use this for our math contest".

No, really? Because that's NOT what I just said.

GW

The following dialogue brooches the topic of forgiveness which I found to be very beautiful. It's from Diaries of a Mad Black Woman.

Mytle: You know I know this man put a hurtin' on you baby, but you've got to forgive him. No matter what he done, you've got to forgive him - not for him, but for you.

Helen: Forgive him for me?

Myrtle: When some body hurts you they take power over you, if you don't forgive them then they keeps the power. Forgive him baby and after you forgive him, forgive yourself.

For a long time, I didn't understand what Myrtle meant that they "take power over you". I considered forgiving a person, especially if they don't deserve it, as condoning what they did and denying that person's responsibility of hurting you.

I get it now. Although it might be more accurate to say that the feelings of hurt the person causes you takes power over you - not necessarily the person himself but rather the hurt and the resentment that they cause. For example, a person who betrays you might cripple your ability to trust (if you let it) or a man who turns his back on you might make you resent all men in the future (again, if you let it). Forgiving the person really means letting go of that particular situation and preventing it from interfering with your other relationships and interactions. You don't have to continue to have them in your life - just forgive them, let go of the grudge and move on.

It's so much easier said than done I can tell you that. In my case for example, I could never forgive the woman I share a house with. How do you forgive someone who from the moment you were born reminds you that they hate being a mother? Who never once uttered the words, "You did a great job" and instead chose to be a bitter, spiteful, nagging, rude, unappreciative, miserable, belly-acher, critical, make-you-want-to-kill-yourself kind of a bitch? How do you forgive that? You can't. If there was one exception to the "forgive" rule, it's this one. You can't forgive a failure of a mother.

GW

The following are the tasks I've completed (or will complete by the end of Saturday). I won't be doing certain things I wrote below so in the next few days, I'll have a new to do list for the rest of 2009.

1. purchase select eritrean movies
2. write out the 2 love stories
3. review resume and begin to fill in LTO forms and apply for LTOs
4. write and send letter to QECO
5. review SFE
6. organize basement bookshelf
7. buy a dress for Sancha's wedding
8. book dental appt for some time in October
9. finish collecting resources from the summer AQ course
10. see the doctor about skin
11. shopping for clothes
12. buy a new computer system
13. start a photo blog photo site
14. find an organization system for my shoes
15. draw up a business plan
16. make a list of requirements for MEd.
17. type out TDSB interview questions

GW

I changed the html of my blog. Although everything looks nice, I don't like that the dashboard is missing. This means I have to constantly open a new page to access the dashboard to simply make a new post entry. Looks nice though.

GW

I had a beautiful night today with Tristan. We went to main street, just off of highway 7. There is this quaint little town there that's so unlike the rest of the city. It's delightfully European. You feel like you've stepped onto the streets of Paris. I loved it. He took me to a secluded area by the pond. We sat on the steps and gazed up at the moon and Jupiter (there weren't that many stars in the sky) drinking our star bucks hot chocolate. It was a chilly night so it was just what we needed. Sitting on the stones, we talked about the magnitude of human capability to achieve extraordinary things and what's to come. We wondered if science will ever reach the point where we will discover God and where he lies. Man has come this far so it's a possibility. We talked about his old home by the waters up north and how much he missed being so close to nature and the peaceful environment. We talked about his parents' separation last year and how his dad is not taking it very well. We talked about his future and if he'll find a career after finishing his MFA that he truly loves.

He's so unlike the other men I've been with. Over dinner, he told me that he takes after his mom in the way she is soft-hearted and gentle. Tristan is incredibly gentle and sweet. We didn't kiss tonight or let our sexual energy take control. Tonight he gave me something more; he gave me his heart.

While we were walking towards the pond, my shoe started hurting me so he took off his shoes and gave them to me to wear while he walked without shoes, only his socks, over gravel, pavement and wet grass. He carried my shoes in one hand and his hot chocolate in the other. Could I have asked for more? On our way back, I suffered with him and endured the journey without shoes too.

Today I got to thinking, Tristan is the type of person you can love for his soul, for his strengths and his weaknesses, for his positive traits and his flaws. You can love him if he was a CEO or coffee guy, a successful businessman or a starving artist. He's so human. You can love him no matter what b/c when you see him you'll only see his beautiful human spirit.

I'm so close to the edge with him right now, if he pushes me I'm going to fall.
GW

It’s been nearly a week since J and I spoke. He called me a few times and texted me this: I miss you sooooo much. He probably figures that I’m very upset with him but the truth is, the issue is between him and himself. It’s beyond my disappointment with him. The fact of the matter is, he has a childish way of dealing with situations that make him feel uncomfortable or that he doesn’t want to deal with – essentially he ignores them and hopes they disappear. Children do that; they hide under their covers and hope the monsters go away by the time they pull themselves out of their covers again. But we’re not children anymore. We’re adults and our problems aren’t going to go away simply by hiding under the covers. We have to confront them, deal with them and reject fears of disappointing or upsetting others – in other words, utilize our problem-solving skills.

I’m not upset with him for letting me down and not coming through the night I needed him, but rather making me believe I can count on him. He didn’t bother to call me to let me know about our plan; he didn’t give me the chance to ask somebody else to go with me. He just ignored me and hoped I would disappear along with my reliance on him for that night. I guess he got what he wanted. I have disappeared from his life.

GW

Out of the blue yesterday, I suddenly recalled a memory of Tristan. A couple of times in the class that we shared, I caught him looking at me. I thought it was the cutest thing. I remember thinking someone like him couldn’t possibly be interested in me. He was so good-looking. However, I don’t remember having significant interest in him even with the possibility of him being interested in me. I suppose since it was my last year of school, my thoughts were always consumed with other things such as teacher’s college and perhaps I was already dating someone at the time. I probably also doomed myself into thinking he would never date me. Whatever it was, I know I didn’t give myself the chance to have strong feelings for him. It’s nice to recall this memory of him though.

GW

Justin completely disappointed me today. He didn't call or try to contact me and try to explain when or if he'll go with me to my friend's wedding. I'm sad I didn't get the chance to see Sancha and share with her her special moment. I'll send her my blessings through a card. She may not be here to hear it but I wish her everlasting happiness.

For every bad, there is a good and for me, both happened on the same day. This evening, Tristan called me and apologized about not being able to get together with me. He said he's very tired from last night's wedding he went to. It's just as well anyway, today wasn't a good day for me to go out. He sounds different from what I remember but strangely familiar. He has a cute way of stopping to let me speak every time I accidentally interrupt him, very much unlike Shanil who would interrupt me at every opportunity and always before I finish my sentence. He was always in a rush to either put his two cents in or express his views or disagree with me. I'm glad that uncomfortable trip is over.

We set a date for Wednesday. Hopefully, we can make a night of it. I look forward to having more deep discussions with him. And finding out what other things we have in common. He has this innocence that makes me think of those days of old school love. If I'm not careful, I may just fall for him.

This week I must have watched Diary of a Woman at least 4 times. I love that movie so much and since J gave me the DVD, I'm bound to watch it as much as I've watched The Associate. I love the way Helen writes or narrates in a gentle, reflective way that is almost induced by writing in a journal by hand. There's something private and poetic about writing in a journal the old fashioned way. I'd like to say I want to go back to that format but I'm too conditioned to having my diary in the virtual world. I like having access to it from anywhere without being physically attached to it. I like to claim anonymity but cherish it at the same time.

Lately I find it takes less effort to be happy. I don't need a reason to wake up in the morning. The days go by with small disappointments and irritation but nothing that consumes me. I think about my goals more and doing it at my own pace. I think about the things that make me lucky to be me and to have what I have. That old proverb isn't so out of reach; I can find happiness within myself. Some days, I forget these things but those days don't last too long. I'd say, lately, I'm finding myself.

Oh man. I'm in deep with Courtney. We're messing around way too much and and every time we get together, we push the line a bit further each time. He kissed me in a freaky way last night and he fingered me again. I'm afraid if we step out of the confines of his car (his car acts like this "meter" of how far we can go. Obviously we're in a public place, I'm sure there are laws about this.) all gloves would be off. He wants to be in me but I told him I draw the line there. I might see him this weekend, either friday or saturday. I'm apprehensive though. I feel like I'll be stepping into dangerous territory.

(Light bulb flash) I just stumbled upon a 3rd love story; that between Sancha and Angarin. It's cute b/c it's got a childish side to it but endearing b/c they're married now and I've got emails from her about the whole story that I can utilize.

Tomorrow I'm going shopping with J again and then later I'll pop in to work which means I have to push back my date with Tristan from Wedn. to Thurs evening. Which means I have to do some creative adjustment with my private class kids.

The more I think about my business plan for a resort, the more I think it's too much of a daunting project for one person to do alone. I think I'll continue to work on the planning and saving money but I'll venture into this very measuredly and I won't rush into it.

GW

To date, these items in bold are done:

1. purchase select eritrean movies
2. write out the 2 love stories
3. review resume and begin to fill in LTO forms and apply for LTOs
4. write and send letter to QECO
5. review SFE
6. organize basement bookshelf
7. buy a dress for Sancha's wedding
8. book dental appt for some time in October
9. finish collecting resources from the summer AQ course
10. see the doctor about skin
11. shopping for clothes
12. buy a new computer system
13. start a photo blog
14. find an organization system for my shoes
15. draw up a business plan
16. make a list of requirements for MEd.
17. type out TDSB interview questions

Boy, I didn't do much. Well, I've got 8 more days...tick tock.

Gotta say the past few days have been so enlightening. I came across an old university friend, Tristan on that archaic msn and we talked on 2 occasions. Each time, we talked for hours and hours but what was more phenomenal was that our conversation was deeply profound. We went beyond the childish games and superficial chatter and we discussed things like life, religion, peace. Talking to him has made me realize being at peace really comes from your own emotional stability and perception on life, not religion. Tristan is christian by name but he really doesn't practice it like his mother does. In fact, he went further to say that he has issues with Christianity and religion overall and that he shares celebrations from all religions but doesn't really have ties with a particular one.

We made a date for Wednesday. I can't wait to see him. Back in university, I remember very vaguely sharing one class with him and chatting with him outside of class. I remember how good-natured and down-to-earth he was. He also had a gentle way about him; he spoke softly and his approach with people was warm and non-threatening. And if that wasn't enough, he is incredibly good-looking, yet he doesn't at all play this up. I think he genuinely thinks he's not but he's truly the hottest guy I've had interests in.

While talking on msn, I had mentioned casually that I wondered how we met. He gave me a moment by moment rendition of how we met. Slowly it started coming back to me. It all began when he and I were on our way to go home late in the night from school. I was waiting for a ride from my dad and he was waiting for his bus. Then he made the first move to introduce himself because he recognized me from a class we shared. Then a few minutes later, I suppose my dad said he'd be a little late to come and get me so he and I bought chinese food and we shared it in the lounge by the big windows. Then apparently I bought another chinese food combo for my dad. After that, we talked occasionally and he said that we talked about getting together outside of school but then exams came along and then it never happened. I don't remember at all exchanging msn addresses but how lucky that I do have it b/c how else could he have come back into my life?

At the moment, he's finishing up his first year of his 2 yr MFA I think. He lives pretty close to my work and he's 26. He's also got birthday blues. He asked me not to wish him next year b/c every birthday serves as a reminder to him that he hasn't accomplished much, according to him, although I beg to differ. He's accomplished more than the average person has. That's something to be truly proud of. I think that he's probably comparing himself to others and measuring himself by somebody else's standards. That's a recipe for disappointment right there. We shouldn't dismiss the accomplishments or gains we have made in life because it doesn't compare with the next guy. Booker T Washington once wrote that success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has had to overcome while trying to succeed. I take this wisdom deeply to heart. Everybody's trials and tribulations are different and its our individual triumphs that matter, the strength of our character is what matters, and our contributions for social change is what matters.

I hate to ruin a nice blog entry with developments about Demello so I'll only mention how true to his sign that bastard is; Taurus. He's stubborn to the point where he can be a jerk. That's how I would describe him right now, a jerk. And a prick. He'll stick it to you and then annoy you. If he did something uncool, he won't admit guilt and apologize. He'll find a way to steer the conversation in a different direction so that in the end, the tables have turned and all of a sudden, you're at fault as well. Also, he believes that his personality warrants him to be snarky and sarcastic with people and that everyone around him should accept it b/c that's "who he is". He doesn't think he should tone it down a little. He thinks it's quite okay to go on offending pple and pissing them off.

Interestingly enough though, he revealed that he likes me and wants to date me yet he's not treating me like someone he wants to date. I got to be honest, I don't have time for idiot men like him.

On another front, the man I was introduced to, S.Teclemariam, called me after we've been emailing each other briefly and chatting on msn. I'm afraid though he's the typical severe eritrean. I think he might be pretty traditional and may be a stick in the mud. He's very educated. He's got a long list of degrees, the most recent of which he completed was a PhD in economics. I should call him back tomorrow as I "missed" his call.

The dress I bought for Sancha's wedding is out of sight. It's so beautiful. It's an orangy-red colour, knee-length, one-shoulder, african-style dress. It's got copper beads along the neck-line so the accessories I'll have to wear will have to be copper and/or wood. I got a scarf and a date to go along with the dress. All I need is shoes, a clutch, and a wedding gift. Justin really is the boy next door. We've done everything together; shop, movies, eat out, grocery shop. He's great.

More good news for September, my boss gave me raise. And I got another raise for TDSB. Yay!

GW

Here's the to-do list for J and I:

1. watch a live comedy show
2. visit the CN tower
3. get a reading from a palmist
4. take pictures around the lake shore
5. watch a movie at a drive-through
6. shopping

That's all that comes to mind. Some of it is really for my sake, the others are fun things we both want to do. We have a modest sense of fun.

I contracted a nasty bug from out of the blue a few days ago - some kind of cold. Yesterday it left me very drained and feeling so much pressure in my head. I couldn't accomplish anything. Today I feel a lot better.

Here's my short term to-do list for August, since we're on the subject:

1. purchase select eritrean movies
2. write out the 2 love stories
3. review resume and begin to fill in LTO forms and apply to LTOs
4. write and send letter to QECO
5. review SFE
6. organize basement bookshelf
7. buy a dress for Sancha's wedding
8. book dental appt for some time in October
9. finish collecting resources from the summer AQ course
10. see the doctor about the skin
11. shopping for clothes
12. buy a new computer system
13. start a photo blog
14. find an organization system for my shoes
15. draw up a business plan
16. make a list of requirements for MEd.
17. type out TDSB interview questions

I'll post an update as to how much I was able to accomplish by Sept 1st.

GW

Since the last time I posted, here are my accomplishments:

1. I earned a primary ABQ
2. I secured a spot on the preferred supply list of another school
3. I orchestrated a story writing contest
4. I got a new car (I may have mentioned this already in June)
5. I've learned to read palms (getting there)
6. I've got a business plan to open a resort in Eritrea
7. and others that have slipped my mind

The primary ABQ was a great course to gather resources from but in terms of it being a valuable course in and of itself? Hell no. The teacher was an arrogant ass, the students, having sensed they have to put their guard up I suppose, weren't very friendly with each other, and the amount of work we had to do was truthfully unreasonable. One has to literally spend about 10 hours a day just to get through 1 days' work. The expectation was that you were one who had no life, no kids, no job to pay for the ludicrous fees of this course. I'm so glad it's over. I came out of it with a B+. I don't have grievance about that, the last weeks of the course, I didn't contribute much to class discussions, or finish all the activities. I got a final mark of 73% for that but what I disagree with is the mark she gave me for my chapter review; a measly, undeserved 70%. 70? I did a hell of a lot better than 70% that's for sure. I have a right mind to complain to her, not that it would make a great difference to my overall mark and not that the overall mark means much for AQs, but just to let her know that I think it's not a fair evaluation.

The other school in which I got on the preferred list, I gathered after going there a few times, isn't thaaat great. It may be close to my house, it's a K-8 school, but the teacher's don't seem to have a common bond, they don't really interact with each other. And they're not too friendly to supply teachers. But oh well, I'll give it another year. Anything can happen in a year.

The story contest was a lot of fun. I got to exercise my sick need to control, organize, and categorize. Reading the stories were fun too. Some stories were done quite well. Some needed more guidance from the teachers. It's a shame the other teachers didn't take it so seriously and didn't encourage the students to write like I did. The next thing on the agenda is probably a math contest. Parents are already asking about it. That's a good sign. It's likely we won't have it until December though. There's a lot more to do for a math contest.

Reading palms, yes, ...it's true what they say that it's an art b/c if you look carefully and closely at your palm, you'll notice millions and millions of tiny lines, offshoots of the major lines, and according to the experts, they all tell a story. So your hand, essentially, is a book; a book of life.

Speaking of books, I just realized I have a 2nd love story that I can add into my book. It's the one of Mike and Aileen and how they first met. It's such a great story. It's not typically cliche, or raunchy, or sad. It's perfect.

I've officially read all the entries from the Jenny's blog who's in Ethiopia. She's a trooper, living there for this long. I suppose when your goal is so strong and you become a part of a loving community, everything else becomes less important, less of a challenge. I would have truly like to help her but it would be a conflict of interest right now. If only she was in Eritrea. I would empty out my savings to help Eritrea.

These past few days have been uncomfortably humid. I finally gave in this morning and turned on my fan. We're doing good this year with leaving the AC off, I'd like to continue keeping it off.

I can't wait until September so I can start making some real money and get closer to my dream of building a resort in Eritrea. I suspect construction costs will be at least 80USD. Perhaps by the end of this month, after I write out a basic business plan, I can talk with Cecilia at my bank and see my prospects for a loan, perhaps for next year. By the end of this year, I'll have about $20, 000 in savings and my credit line. By the middle of next year, that will double to $40, 000 through aggressive savings tactics. I'm going to do this!

Here's a wild story. My boss checked my charts a few days ago and read that I'm going through tough times, that everything I try, fails and doesn't work out. He also said that within these next few years, I will find someone willingly. The tough times part blew my mind away - it's so accurate. I feel like the lock on my personal vault has been cracked open. I wonder what else he discovered about me that he doesn't want to say?

GW

I've decided to write a book of short love stories taken from different countries. Each story will have distinct cultural references and allusions. The book will be framed as a memoir.

A few days ago, I told Randy "I'm going to throw you out if you don't settle down" and he said, "Where are you going to throw me, in the trash can?"

I could've responded "No, into the principal's office" but instead I laughed at his innocence.

I've also decided to join the gym by my house in the evenings starting September or even August. I will obviously have to get rid of my evening hours (which I will do so gladly with a parade behind me) and I will stop my tutoring classes with my Saturday and Sunday kids. I know my Sunday kids won't let me go without a fight.

Lastly, I've decided to take an online AQ course at OISE for the Primary division because I would like to make myself more available at k-8 schools and also, it would suit me well as I came upon an interesting development today by way of Mr. Wise wherein the JB PS might apparently turn into a k-8 school. That would actually be very great because I would love to see the small kids in the school. I don't think that will happen until 2010 or 2011, however. By that time, Courtney may be gone as he informed me that he wants to become principal of a school. That would suit me just fine too!

GW

What a week. And it's still Tuesday.

I found this beautiful blog authored by a NY woman who picked up her belongings (what could fit in a suitcase) in 2006 and left for Mali to start a brand new life. That's where she met the love of her life, married him and permanently moved there to share a life together. She's sublimely happy. Her way of writing is so beautiful and warm. All her entries tell a story. She writes about the people in her life in the frame of a love story. I feel like I've come to know these people she talks about personally. I want to know the rest of their story. Her address is as follows:

http://postcardsfrommylife.blogspot.com/

It's beautiful. I feel like my eyes are dancing when I read her words. She doesn't write often though. Every few months it seems.

Her name? Haiku. How appropriate.

I smell a novel.

GW

The B Idol kids are so great. They have so much cheer. I love them. Cath's second song, Jesus Take the Wheel is so beautiful. What a great selection. It's so mature and tasteful. Craig's song is a lot of fun. It's called Beautiful Girls I believe.

Today, after school the coop student was talking about how she looks young and passes off as a high school student (she acts more like a high school student more than she looks it actually. God I can't stand her) and Craig and another student say that I too look young, like a 19 yr old and then Craig says, "You look like Barbie. No, prettier than Barbie. Barbie is crusty." How funny is he? I love him.

Then during rehearsals, after he sings "Beautiful Girls," the other girls that were there claim that song was about them, then Craig says, "Actually, I was singing it to Ms. G." He is too cute for words.

I like William too, the trouble-maker. My opinion of him went from jackass to a fun kid. Lately, he jokes with me by tapping me on the shoulder and saying, "Wanna fight, huh? Wanna fight?" I entertain him a bit and make like I'm going to take him on. Truth is, he could kick my ass.

Aaron is the one I can't describe in words. He is the epitome of courage, strength, and a great leader. He is destined for great things and I look forward to seeing him grow up to become an amazing figure. He is a beautiful human being. He sets an example not only to his own peers but also the adults like me. I want to be more like him. Ms. Richards told me his father may be Indian and his mother is black. Today, I saw Aaron's little bro. He looks asian to me.

Last night I watched Domestic Disturbance and I saw that it only got a one star rating. I wonder why. It wasn't all that bad. It should've gotten at least 2 stars. Even that crappy A Walk to Remember with Mandy Moore got 3 stars.

This long weekend, I'll be coming in to work, to hold the fort and work on the lessons, not teaching. It opens again on Tuesday. The boss and wife are off on another vacation. For me, a vacation is always someday.

GW

A lot has changed since the last time I wrote in here. I read a lot of articles, started reading (but not finished) a lot of books, made a few internet friends (one in Addis Ababa) and I'm supply teaching now. Oh, and I'm dating my vice principal.

CD's wedding is starting to become a piss off. Her true ugly colours are starting to reveal themselves and it's taking a lot out of me to be patient and to chill out. She has me paying for the stupid ugly dress, dragging me to all her wedding related parties (engagement party, bridal shower, bachelorette party) and expecting gifts for all of them and most annoying of all, she's disallowing me to bring a guest to her wedding (although it's a free-for-all for both her sisters who not only will bring their boyfriends but also their friends) How fair is that? To tell the truth, I'm not going to let this stupid event reduce me to a drama queen, whining little baby. It's just another ordinary event meant to glorify another insecure skinny bitch. Like all terrible things, this too will pass.

And I am going to pass out on my bed and sleep.

Ciao.