Diary of a Wom'n

I’ve wanted to talk about Reese for a while. He’s so cute. He reminds of Ruben Studdard, the African American singer who won American Idol years back. He’s like a big teddy bear. Everything about him is so adorable and lovable; his smile, his eyes, his deep soft voice. Too bad I can’t do anything about it.

I don’t know what to do about J. On the one hand, my mind is telling me to focus my energy somewhere else. Get to all those ever-accumulating errands of mine (get a new shelf, a new pc desk, a new chest of drawers and throw out the old one, mend all those clothes that are coming undone, buy the list of movies I want so to be prepared when I get my own classroom, catch up on all those books that I bought by Sophie Kinsella but never got the time to read them.)

On the other hand, my heart is telling me to redirect my focus on developing relationships because up until now all I have done was focus on school. It’s always been top priority, but school is done now so what else is left? I’m sorry it didn’t work out with J before but why can’t it work out now? It’s safe to assume he’s just shy (he did say he is) and doesn’t know how to make the right move, but is being shy the same thing for men as I understand it to be for ladies? I know when ladies are shy, they don’t say much, even in a group, and they don’t ever call the guy, or ask to see him, etc. Is that likewise for guys? I don’t want to mention this to any of my guy friends for fear of making myself so transparent.

Nobody knows but Cher, who, by the way, still hasn’t gotten rid of her nasty habit of bursting people’s bubbles. She always finds a way to dampen a spark of hope. A week ago, I mentioned J to her and after a little update on him (I mentioned that he was promoted manager) she says to me, “Yeah, but everyone is a manager there.” What she meant was, everyone gets promoted there. Get a clue, they do NOT get promoted there. Then later I mention that I may be interested in him. She said, “Well, just don’t get your hopes up. You know, until you know how he feels, too.” What was that?!? She was really pushing my buttons then but I chose not to go to my angry place right away because there’s no closing THAT fuse. If she wanted, I have a truckload of crap that I could throw back at her face.

Like the fact that she’s nearly 30 and STILL trying to earn a diploma. Like the fact that she has been kicked out of school 3 times now because of her constant failings and has a running GPA of 1. Like the fact that she has an equally loser boyfriend who also hasn’t earned a diploma/degree and is coasting on his over inflated job title. Like the fact that her desperation to get married mocks the very idea that she thinks she can make up what she lacks by getting hitched. Like that fact that her life is a culmination of excuses and cheatings and fraudulent behaviour. Shall I go on? Or should I put the cap back on this fuse?

I don’t like to hear myself saying these things. But I don’t like to be pushed and one of these days, I haven’t yet, but I will give her a taste of her own medicine, show her how it feels like to put someone’s hopes down. She, of all people, is in no place to do that.

Well, J called today just after midnight. We talked about what movies we liked, how we spent our weekend (he works a lot), and how ridiculously close to each other we live. I had no idea all this time. To think that we knew each other since high school and we never knew! I could walk to his house right now in 2 minutes, have a little chat and come back home.

I have my very own boy next door.

GW