Bombshell #2
I've got a lot to do but I feel my energy level plummeting really fast. Yesterday I did absolutely nothing once I got home. I just watched TV and went to sleep. I meant to do some writing on my book, I even had the binder and my pens and pencils next to me.
Isaac called a couple of days ago while he was at work. He threw another bombshell at me. He's being sent somewhere for duty for the next two months. He's leaving tomorrow. From there, he's going straight to his military training that starts in June and will finish the first part in September. That means we won't see each other until then--September. And even then, it will be very brief because he has to his second part of the training and then by about early 2009, he'll be deployed to the middle east.
We talked about maybe letting go of our relationship right now and wait until things have settled with him a bit and see where we are later down the road. He said it will hurt but maybe that's what we should do. He thinks it's going to be extremely difficult, almost pointless to continue when we won't even be able to talk to each other and we both have so much going on in our lives. He said that would not be fair to me, to make me wait.
I don't know how I feel about this. He gave me his email and asked me to think about it and write him. I wrote to him the day after we talked. I was a little harsher than I intended but the message was out. Here it is;
- - - -
Isaac
My heart wants to believe everything you tell me but my mind knows better. I think there are some things that you're not telling me and I say that because the last Friday that I saw you, you said you had a lot of things to say and had it all laid out in your head but that all disappeared when you saw me. I didn't push the subject because you said all the right things I wanted to hear.
You always tell me that you don't want to tell me what to do as I may regret it later. I don't want to tell you what to do either so now I'm telling you to be totally honest with me. Tell me what you really wanted to say. Tell me you're not using your job as an excuse to part ways. You have to be frank with me here. You can't give me wrong information. I will be a clueless fool otherwise.
The thing that made me conclude to this is in the beginning, you told me what I'd be facing with your job. You told me to expect long months of not talking or seeing each other and other worse evils. I did think about it and then I accepted it. It's not taking a toll on me. But it looks like the tables have turned; now I'm convincing you to accept it and be okay with it. That seems weird. I should be the one who tells you I can't handle it.
If I'm wrong about this, then it leads me to another thought; Don't you think it useless to be involved with someone just to split with them when your job takes you away for a while? What's the point then? With me or any other person you go out with? Why not be single for the rest of your life? Your job can't keep governing your personal life. That's something you have to examine. It's not your job that's the problem, it's your ability to hold on to those 2 things at the same time. THIS is what's unfair--not the fact that you'll be making me wait.
All you need to hear from me is that I'm okay with waiting for you, however many months you have to go away. I can't freak out every time your job takes you away, that wouldn't be wise. If I had a problem with it, believe me I would tell you. You are worth it to me Isaac. There's no question about it. I know being so far away is hard and you going to here and there will be harder but it's not like we didn't see it coming from before. This isn't something I'm going to resent you for. I'm also trying to get myself in order here too. so we've both got things going on but that's life. Something will be going on all the time.
Think about this; breaking up isn't like going on a break, it's going separate ways, it's moving on with our lives. It's another kind of committment where we'll decide to put each other out of our minds for good. It's a permanent thing. There's no way we can look each other up and see how things are a year or two from now. We can, but I'm not sure if I could go back to it. I would always wonder when you're going to split again. I'd be reluctant to trust you. This sounds harsh but you understand what I'm trying to say here? I think going on a break instead is better--we'd have to do that whether we wanted to or not b/c of the situation. But at least we're not saying goodbye forever to each other.
But on the other hand I also don't want you to hold on to us just to make me happy or to avoid hurting me. I can't be the thing that weighs you down Isaac. Think of yourself first and how much you're able to handle or willing to handle. Maybe it's more a question of; is it fair to you, to be in a relationship you can't really afford the time for. But on the same note, when will you ever have the time? This is your life now.
I can convince you to stay together and give you all the assurance in the world you need but if you're not confident in our relationship right now, if your heart isn't in it, then what do I have to hold on to?
So here's the book. Obviously you'll clarify things with me but please just be frank about it and be totally honest. I can take it like a man.
Grace
- - - -
There it was.
Isaac called a couple of days ago while he was at work. He threw another bombshell at me. He's being sent somewhere for duty for the next two months. He's leaving tomorrow. From there, he's going straight to his military training that starts in June and will finish the first part in September. That means we won't see each other until then--September. And even then, it will be very brief because he has to his second part of the training and then by about early 2009, he'll be deployed to the middle east.
We talked about maybe letting go of our relationship right now and wait until things have settled with him a bit and see where we are later down the road. He said it will hurt but maybe that's what we should do. He thinks it's going to be extremely difficult, almost pointless to continue when we won't even be able to talk to each other and we both have so much going on in our lives. He said that would not be fair to me, to make me wait.
I don't know how I feel about this. He gave me his email and asked me to think about it and write him. I wrote to him the day after we talked. I was a little harsher than I intended but the message was out. Here it is;
- - - -
Isaac
My heart wants to believe everything you tell me but my mind knows better. I think there are some things that you're not telling me and I say that because the last Friday that I saw you, you said you had a lot of things to say and had it all laid out in your head but that all disappeared when you saw me. I didn't push the subject because you said all the right things I wanted to hear.
You always tell me that you don't want to tell me what to do as I may regret it later. I don't want to tell you what to do either so now I'm telling you to be totally honest with me. Tell me what you really wanted to say. Tell me you're not using your job as an excuse to part ways. You have to be frank with me here. You can't give me wrong information. I will be a clueless fool otherwise.
The thing that made me conclude to this is in the beginning, you told me what I'd be facing with your job. You told me to expect long months of not talking or seeing each other and other worse evils. I did think about it and then I accepted it. It's not taking a toll on me. But it looks like the tables have turned; now I'm convincing you to accept it and be okay with it. That seems weird. I should be the one who tells you I can't handle it.
If I'm wrong about this, then it leads me to another thought; Don't you think it useless to be involved with someone just to split with them when your job takes you away for a while? What's the point then? With me or any other person you go out with? Why not be single for the rest of your life? Your job can't keep governing your personal life. That's something you have to examine. It's not your job that's the problem, it's your ability to hold on to those 2 things at the same time. THIS is what's unfair--not the fact that you'll be making me wait.
All you need to hear from me is that I'm okay with waiting for you, however many months you have to go away. I can't freak out every time your job takes you away, that wouldn't be wise. If I had a problem with it, believe me I would tell you. You are worth it to me Isaac. There's no question about it. I know being so far away is hard and you going to here and there will be harder but it's not like we didn't see it coming from before. This isn't something I'm going to resent you for. I'm also trying to get myself in order here too. so we've both got things going on but that's life. Something will be going on all the time.
Think about this; breaking up isn't like going on a break, it's going separate ways, it's moving on with our lives. It's another kind of committment where we'll decide to put each other out of our minds for good. It's a permanent thing. There's no way we can look each other up and see how things are a year or two from now. We can, but I'm not sure if I could go back to it. I would always wonder when you're going to split again. I'd be reluctant to trust you. This sounds harsh but you understand what I'm trying to say here? I think going on a break instead is better--we'd have to do that whether we wanted to or not b/c of the situation. But at least we're not saying goodbye forever to each other.
But on the other hand I also don't want you to hold on to us just to make me happy or to avoid hurting me. I can't be the thing that weighs you down Isaac. Think of yourself first and how much you're able to handle or willing to handle. Maybe it's more a question of; is it fair to you, to be in a relationship you can't really afford the time for. But on the same note, when will you ever have the time? This is your life now.
I can convince you to stay together and give you all the assurance in the world you need but if you're not confident in our relationship right now, if your heart isn't in it, then what do I have to hold on to?
So here's the book. Obviously you'll clarify things with me but please just be frank about it and be totally honest. I can take it like a man.
Grace
- - - -
There it was.
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