Diary of a Wom'n

Thank you for the lead to whoever gave me the link. Very helpful!

I got another family who wants me to tutor their child. Let me just make a trivial comment here: I've got a 60-hr work week. How in the hell am I going to squeeze this one in? I'll have to think about it. Maybe I can work something out...work 8 days a week instead of 7 maybe?

Last week, (although it feels like 2 weeks ago) I sought advice from relationship experts on the net and I found good things. Of course, you're always insatiable, always asking for more advice. Sharon and Leon were the two I wrote and they both said what I already knew although Sharon said I should really be with somebody more compatible with me b/c as it looks, Isaac and I are very very different. Leon said don't give up on it just yet but don't push.

Then I went to a forum where everyone said to just break up with him. One minute I'd agree with them and the next I'd hesitate b/c these people didn't know the whole story. I like one lady's advice who wrote to me several times. I value hers more than the others.

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Today I wrote:

deblgus--

I mean you can't exactly think objectively when you're IN the situation. It's hard to make your heart go cold just like that. it's partly b.c. I had a lot to do with this whole thing (I wasn't an angel here). I pushed him away several times b/c I can be pretty crabby sometimes.

morgan--no he doesn't have a gf, I'm certain about that.

angelw2--I know, I'm like a pendulum clock.

btw, he called and we talked for a bit last night. He has a retarded schedule now. we talked like everything was back to normal, as if the 2-week break didn't even happen (minus the i love yous). he told me he'd done serious thinking over the last little bit...and he even talked to his father about it. his FATHER?! he's coming down this wkend to see me and talk about it together. Here's where I'm stumped---he's either being a real gentleman by breaking up with me in person or he doesn't want to end it, just wants things to change b/w us. I can't imagine somebody driving such a distance to break up (but what do I know. I've never been in a long distance relationship before.)

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angelw23 (who's 36) wrote:

Just be careful - you're starting to backpeddle ( I pushed him away etc etc.) And while its admirable to see your own faults in the relationship, don't loose sight of the REAL issue - HE'S NOT SURE ABOUT HOW HE FEELS!

And until he is sure - what is the point?

My only advise at this point is to see what he says - don't accept anything less than you deserve - which is him committing to a feeling - whether that be breaking up or sticking with the relationship - but if he sticks with it - then he needs to be IN it - and he can't be IN it unless he's sure how he feels!

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I DO deserve better. I think I've forgotten myself over the past few weeks. I was willing to settle for him b/c it seemed like the easier thing to do and it felt more secure. At what point did I start shortchanging myself? I've no idea. I'm not okay with breaking up with him. I do care about him, to that I can't lie. But I don't think I could commit to him in the long run. I'd feel really unhappy.

I'll be okay with it eventually. The one I'm looking for is out there. He'll find me eventually. For the moment, I'm going to lose another 5 lbs, finish off that book and decide on an adventure.

Sometimes we really do depend on the kindness and support of strangers. (Blanche says it best.)

GW