Gaining Clarity
Soooooo, what's the adventure for this month? I've no idea.
But to update: Isaac and I had a talk that Friday evening. After talking for hours, to be really honest about it, I don't feel like we came to any conclusion. He came to the table not with the intention to break-up, nor to stay together (according to him). He wanted both of us to decide together. And we decided to stay together. But without solving anything really.
I guess the reason for that is b/c the problem is still hazy to me. I still don't really understand what we're trying to figure out here. For a brief moment, I think I get it, but then I'm right in the dark again.
Well, some things we got on the table is we decided that we should talk very little on the phone (b/c I hate talking on the phone and he hates who I become on the phone). Also because he has a retarded schedule disabling him from calling me during the same hours as before. We decided we should just call to check up on each other but that's it.
Since the Friday of the 29th, we haven't talked once. I called him this past friday b/c I had about 10 minutes before going in to work but my call didn't go through as usual. So I thought he'd see my missed call and call me back later but he didn't. Then on a Sat or a Sun, I msged him on facebook saying hello and filled him in on the rates and routes of the greyhound trip to NY that we planned. I asked for his input on some things. He mails me back at around 2 am to say "hey just got your msg...ttyl" That was it.
And today I find that he pulled his profile page down. And I just realized that I don't have his email. He doesn't have mine either. We just have the phone now.
I don't think I can do this anymore. I can't be in this kind of relationship where one person is perfectly okay with not hearing from the other in weeks. He's used to it because he's in that field of work where he has to go for months at a time and not see any of his friends and family.
It's not his job I'm biased against, it's his attitude, it's the way he can be so easily detached. It makes me feel that he may not really deeply care.
Which leads me to think that (based on what he said on Friday) breaking up may have been a sound idea for him. I think, that that's probably what he wanted until he saw me in person (because he said he lost all his composure and train of thought when he saw me. He said he had everything laid out in his mind and what he was going to say to me but that all got thrown out the window when he saw me. He said, "you're just so damn beautiful". He also said he tried imagining himself going out to a club and talking to another woman but only my image kept coming up. I guess he said everything I wanted to hear.) So now I fear, I may have swung him the other way unwillingly. I think he wanted us to break up on good terms but he couldn't say the words without hurting me. So he's probably with me to avoid the guilt of being the one to break it off. He probably wants to wait until I am at the same level of thought as him so that we can part on mutual terms.
Wow, I think I hit that one on the nail. This was what has been running through my head but now I can actually EXPRESS it.
Here's the pickle. He and I are supposed to take a trip together for the easter holiday to NY and phili to see his parents and rest of the family. He asked if I still wanted to do that the last time I saw him and I told him no, that we should just keep things b/w us for awhile but he pushed it and said we should still do it. I'm wondering if he's got a change of heart here. And as that weekened is nearing, I'm not sure what to do. I already booked some time off work. I'm wondering if I should relinquish those days off and work instead.
I gained back 3 lbs :( I'm going to hit the treadmill the first monday of never. I'm doing stomach workouts infrequently though.
Anyway, let's let this rest until Sunday night, and then I may reconsider working easter monday and tuesday.
GW
But to update: Isaac and I had a talk that Friday evening. After talking for hours, to be really honest about it, I don't feel like we came to any conclusion. He came to the table not with the intention to break-up, nor to stay together (according to him). He wanted both of us to decide together. And we decided to stay together. But without solving anything really.
I guess the reason for that is b/c the problem is still hazy to me. I still don't really understand what we're trying to figure out here. For a brief moment, I think I get it, but then I'm right in the dark again.
Well, some things we got on the table is we decided that we should talk very little on the phone (b/c I hate talking on the phone and he hates who I become on the phone). Also because he has a retarded schedule disabling him from calling me during the same hours as before. We decided we should just call to check up on each other but that's it.
Since the Friday of the 29th, we haven't talked once. I called him this past friday b/c I had about 10 minutes before going in to work but my call didn't go through as usual. So I thought he'd see my missed call and call me back later but he didn't. Then on a Sat or a Sun, I msged him on facebook saying hello and filled him in on the rates and routes of the greyhound trip to NY that we planned. I asked for his input on some things. He mails me back at around 2 am to say "hey just got your msg...ttyl" That was it.
And today I find that he pulled his profile page down. And I just realized that I don't have his email. He doesn't have mine either. We just have the phone now.
I don't think I can do this anymore. I can't be in this kind of relationship where one person is perfectly okay with not hearing from the other in weeks. He's used to it because he's in that field of work where he has to go for months at a time and not see any of his friends and family.
It's not his job I'm biased against, it's his attitude, it's the way he can be so easily detached. It makes me feel that he may not really deeply care.
Which leads me to think that (based on what he said on Friday) breaking up may have been a sound idea for him. I think, that that's probably what he wanted until he saw me in person (because he said he lost all his composure and train of thought when he saw me. He said he had everything laid out in his mind and what he was going to say to me but that all got thrown out the window when he saw me. He said, "you're just so damn beautiful". He also said he tried imagining himself going out to a club and talking to another woman but only my image kept coming up. I guess he said everything I wanted to hear.) So now I fear, I may have swung him the other way unwillingly. I think he wanted us to break up on good terms but he couldn't say the words without hurting me. So he's probably with me to avoid the guilt of being the one to break it off. He probably wants to wait until I am at the same level of thought as him so that we can part on mutual terms.
Wow, I think I hit that one on the nail. This was what has been running through my head but now I can actually EXPRESS it.
Here's the pickle. He and I are supposed to take a trip together for the easter holiday to NY and phili to see his parents and rest of the family. He asked if I still wanted to do that the last time I saw him and I told him no, that we should just keep things b/w us for awhile but he pushed it and said we should still do it. I'm wondering if he's got a change of heart here. And as that weekened is nearing, I'm not sure what to do. I already booked some time off work. I'm wondering if I should relinquish those days off and work instead.
I gained back 3 lbs :( I'm going to hit the treadmill the first monday of never. I'm doing stomach workouts infrequently though.
Anyway, let's let this rest until Sunday night, and then I may reconsider working easter monday and tuesday.
GW
0 Response to "Gaining Clarity"
Post a Comment