Dream Weaver
A couple of days ago, the most eerie thing happened. I checked out my horoscope the day after Isaac and I spoke on the phone and it said I am feeling anxious lately and trying to deal with a problem that's just not resolving no matter what and something about looking to my dreams for a timely message.
Then, that night I dreamt a man telling me that just because people say good-bye to each other, it doesn't mean they'll never be together again later on. Isn't that interesting? Not just the fact that I got the well-advised message but I was cryptically told that I'll be getting a message? It was so spooky. Anyway, that made me rethink a little bit.
Maybe that's what Isaac was trying to tell me, to let it go and come back to it when things are less complicated and overwhelming for both of us. It's something like going on a break. But I'm not naive, things never return to the way things were. They always change. That's why I truly don't want that. I hate the idea of starting all over with somebody else. I made Isaac so much part of my life. I discuss him with my dad, we planned to get married someday, and have children, and move away to wherever he's stationed last. I feel like I'm losing a best friend. It's going to be hard to deal with this for a while. I'll have to write here often to just unload my thoughts and avoid being truly depressed.
I'm still waiting for his reply but I think he's already made up his mind but since he's Mr. "mutual" he wants me to get on board and be mutual about it.
Maybe things will turn out differently. Maybe after reading my message, he'll realize that at 34, he can't keep running away from somebody that wants to love him, from a life he wants to have someday, that he can't allow his career to dominate the entire spectrum of his life. It's ludicrous and isn't that what drives people insane eventually?
Whatever. Before we can discuss his ability/willingness to continue our relationship, he really needs to put some of my doubts to rest. I'm not totally sure he wants to be with me, period. In my mind, I feel like he's using his job as an excuse to "let it go". I probably would've done the same damn thing if I didn't want to be with him anymore. I'd have told him his job is putting a major crink in our relationship and I can't go down this road anymore. His major insensitivity or my fear about what my friends would say about his looks would NEVER come up. I would keep him ignorant to that fact to spare his feelings.
That's probably what he's doing with me. Although, he did say that he wishes to let it go, not b/c there's a problem in our relationship. He said there was no problem at all. Then later he says letting go will ease some "uncertainty" we have. That's what triggered the doubts in me and prompted me to write him what I did. Then again, he does say a lot of things that come out wrong.
I just need him and me to communicate right now and come to terms on something. Because I'm running out of horoscopes to read and hours to sleep. I really hope it all turns out for the better in the end no matter what we decide to do. But I can't lie; it doesn't just hurt thinking about the idea of letting him go, it friggin' cuts like a knife.
Do you know when it's most unbearable for me? It's in the mornings when my dad isn't home to talk to. It's in the late nights when I come home from work and I waste the hours away watching Cold Case and Fraser and Seinfeld on the couch until 2 in the morning by myself. It's on the weekend nights when I'm driving around town to my tutoring sessions. It's when I close my eyes before I go to sleep. It's a sick wretched feeling.
Then, that night I dreamt a man telling me that just because people say good-bye to each other, it doesn't mean they'll never be together again later on. Isn't that interesting? Not just the fact that I got the well-advised message but I was cryptically told that I'll be getting a message? It was so spooky. Anyway, that made me rethink a little bit.
Maybe that's what Isaac was trying to tell me, to let it go and come back to it when things are less complicated and overwhelming for both of us. It's something like going on a break. But I'm not naive, things never return to the way things were. They always change. That's why I truly don't want that. I hate the idea of starting all over with somebody else. I made Isaac so much part of my life. I discuss him with my dad, we planned to get married someday, and have children, and move away to wherever he's stationed last. I feel like I'm losing a best friend. It's going to be hard to deal with this for a while. I'll have to write here often to just unload my thoughts and avoid being truly depressed.
I'm still waiting for his reply but I think he's already made up his mind but since he's Mr. "mutual" he wants me to get on board and be mutual about it.
Maybe things will turn out differently. Maybe after reading my message, he'll realize that at 34, he can't keep running away from somebody that wants to love him, from a life he wants to have someday, that he can't allow his career to dominate the entire spectrum of his life. It's ludicrous and isn't that what drives people insane eventually?
Whatever. Before we can discuss his ability/willingness to continue our relationship, he really needs to put some of my doubts to rest. I'm not totally sure he wants to be with me, period. In my mind, I feel like he's using his job as an excuse to "let it go". I probably would've done the same damn thing if I didn't want to be with him anymore. I'd have told him his job is putting a major crink in our relationship and I can't go down this road anymore. His major insensitivity or my fear about what my friends would say about his looks would NEVER come up. I would keep him ignorant to that fact to spare his feelings.
That's probably what he's doing with me. Although, he did say that he wishes to let it go, not b/c there's a problem in our relationship. He said there was no problem at all. Then later he says letting go will ease some "uncertainty" we have. That's what triggered the doubts in me and prompted me to write him what I did. Then again, he does say a lot of things that come out wrong.
I just need him and me to communicate right now and come to terms on something. Because I'm running out of horoscopes to read and hours to sleep. I really hope it all turns out for the better in the end no matter what we decide to do. But I can't lie; it doesn't just hurt thinking about the idea of letting him go, it friggin' cuts like a knife.
Do you know when it's most unbearable for me? It's in the mornings when my dad isn't home to talk to. It's in the late nights when I come home from work and I waste the hours away watching Cold Case and Fraser and Seinfeld on the couch until 2 in the morning by myself. It's on the weekend nights when I'm driving around town to my tutoring sessions. It's when I close my eyes before I go to sleep. It's a sick wretched feeling.
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