Diary of a Wom'n

I accidentally clicked on my birthday and facebook gave me a list of people with the same birthday as me. I curiously scrolled down and found one girl who was in an interracial relationship. She was black and he was white. I thought that was the cutest thing. I clicked on her picture and saw more pictures of them together. They were absolutely adorable! I loved it. They were both French, no surprise. The French are the most liberal of all.

I don't know when I made the transition from being positively fearful of spiders to being absolutely fearless. I'm a spider-killing machine now.

I got an A on my first assignment!! I'm so relieved. Most of my sources for the paper were American. I thought the instructor was going to have a huge problem with it but he didn't. Yay! I just have to work on my last assignment now, and catch up on my reflections.

Speaking of which, I'd like to reflect on something right now. One of my favourite dreams was getting engaged to someone. The man wasn't anyone I knew in reality but it was better that way. I remember, even after all these years, a feeling of fitting perfectly together. When we hugged, we were 2 matching pieces to a larger puzzle. For a simple dream, there was an unforgettable sweetness to it.

I should say before continuing that I have a history of attracting very passive men, occasionally there are the crazies. I don't know if it's their shyness or lack of confidence that prevents them from being assertive. I guess the positive aspect of passive men is they're not aggressive or pushy but to some degree all women want someone who can take charge.

Having said that, I recently got a peculiar message from an old high school friend. We occasionally keep in touch but for the last few months, we haven't really. A few years ago, we gave dating a shot but it didn't amount to anything, partly because I was not in the mood to date. Well, in the message, he asked for my number. The old J would never ever do that. He was too shy--a little odd if you see his physique. He's a burly, butch kind of guy, even more so now, I noticed. He also got promoted to manager of a company (really happy for him). Could there be a new J on the block? I'd like to find out.

At the same time, another old university friend mailed me yesterday--my sweet Jo from Winnipeg. He was the typical conservationist/environmentalist/Greenpeace type of guy. Very earthy. It was too bad he lived so far away. I would have loved to keep in touch with him.

There's another hunk that I work with. He teaches math and science. But for the life of me, I can't figure him out. In the early days, we used to be so cool. We would talk about school, our students, our family, our dreams, and then one day (the same day my crazy x showed up at my work) things changed dramatically between us. At the next opportunity he saw me, he asked if that was my boyfriend. I told him no. But the uneasiness remained and got worse over the years. He stopped saying hello to me and avoided eye-contact with me. Previously, I had given him one of my favourite books because he was an avid reader but he never said another word about it to me. This tension was unaccounted for. What did I do?

Over time, things got a little better. He started saying hello to me again. But through all this, I didn't harbor any resentment or any negative feelings toward him. My private little crush didn't disappear. It's ridiculous how weak in the knees I get when he's in the same room as me. I'm back to being a nervous 13-year old when I see him. He's the only one that could do that to me.

I need to get a hold of myself.

GW