This Crazy of a Life
I'm still here. Chugging the last of my drinks and shuffling the last of my papers. (It's never the last).
I'm perpetually re-evaluating my life and my goals but yet, never really settling on one thing. I'm almost at the point of accepting the fact that I will NOT attain a permanent teaching job here in Ontario at the rate I'm going. I'm not volunteering at any school nor participating in any of the k-12 events here in the community. In a nutshell, I'm not getting my name out there.
But, it's not because I don't want to. I do want to but I'm working full time right now and I need to take care of my osap loan first before doing anything to dent my cashflow.
I had recently applied to the VIF program in the states and to my dismay and my bruised ego, they could not offer me a place in their program. Gee, I wonder why...could it be the mega-volume of applications coming from unemployed Ontario teachers alone? hmm.
During those fleeting few moments that I'm so lucky to find, I've been working on a grammar book for the intermediate level (about 5-8). It is an exercise book for confusing words. There aren't books like that out there so I may find a spot on the grand market bookshelf. When it comes to book-writing, a kind of energy suddenly stirs and I get excited again. I think that's where my niche is, not in teaching, but in developing and writing books of all kinds.
On the relationship front, Isaac and I are experiencing some turbulance--mostly on his end. He is feeling uncertain about things and we took a few days to sort things out but it didn't amount to much when he called me finally last night. His attempt at trying to "sort it out" came out in convoluted, stream-of-consciousness type of jibber-jabber. I had no idea what he was saying. Or rather, I had some idea but it didn't pertain to the heart of the matter which was how he felt about me. He was so concerned about the future and my parents and his parents and my goals and his goals and my potential resentment of him....and he finally ended with, he just doesn't want to hurt me.
Before we let each other go that night, I told him to forgot about all that other stuff that he's concerned about because those are things we can't ever be sure of in the beginning. It's not something we can sort out right now and come to a definitive answer. The only thing he can be sure of is how he feels about me. And that's really where he should start figuring things out. If he's not sure about that, then everything else is inconsequential.
I wanted to be angry with him for feeling like this but I couldn't bring myself to curse him and be furious with him....to do this to me now? after I already resolved these issues within myself a couple of months ago? What's the deal? Hell yes, I should be mad.
I'm just bracing myself for the worst. That's all I can do.
Tonight, I'm going to push him to talk to somebody (no matter how much he protests this time). Anybody. Even if they don't give him any advice, he should talk out loud about his problems and go through things with someone. Just verbalizing his problems may just bring a kind of resolution that he needs.
If he doesn't come to some kind of reconciliation soon, I'm going to start to get peeved off, I'm pretty certain of it. Right now, I'm okay with it, and letting him dwell on things with or without me, but if it takes too long, I may just have to be the one to say let's not see each other any more.
It hurts just even writing it down.
I'm perpetually re-evaluating my life and my goals but yet, never really settling on one thing. I'm almost at the point of accepting the fact that I will NOT attain a permanent teaching job here in Ontario at the rate I'm going. I'm not volunteering at any school nor participating in any of the k-12 events here in the community. In a nutshell, I'm not getting my name out there.
But, it's not because I don't want to. I do want to but I'm working full time right now and I need to take care of my osap loan first before doing anything to dent my cashflow.
I had recently applied to the VIF program in the states and to my dismay and my bruised ego, they could not offer me a place in their program. Gee, I wonder why...could it be the mega-volume of applications coming from unemployed Ontario teachers alone? hmm.
During those fleeting few moments that I'm so lucky to find, I've been working on a grammar book for the intermediate level (about 5-8). It is an exercise book for confusing words. There aren't books like that out there so I may find a spot on the grand market bookshelf. When it comes to book-writing, a kind of energy suddenly stirs and I get excited again. I think that's where my niche is, not in teaching, but in developing and writing books of all kinds.
On the relationship front, Isaac and I are experiencing some turbulance--mostly on his end. He is feeling uncertain about things and we took a few days to sort things out but it didn't amount to much when he called me finally last night. His attempt at trying to "sort it out" came out in convoluted, stream-of-consciousness type of jibber-jabber. I had no idea what he was saying. Or rather, I had some idea but it didn't pertain to the heart of the matter which was how he felt about me. He was so concerned about the future and my parents and his parents and my goals and his goals and my potential resentment of him....and he finally ended with, he just doesn't want to hurt me.
Before we let each other go that night, I told him to forgot about all that other stuff that he's concerned about because those are things we can't ever be sure of in the beginning. It's not something we can sort out right now and come to a definitive answer. The only thing he can be sure of is how he feels about me. And that's really where he should start figuring things out. If he's not sure about that, then everything else is inconsequential.
I wanted to be angry with him for feeling like this but I couldn't bring myself to curse him and be furious with him....to do this to me now? after I already resolved these issues within myself a couple of months ago? What's the deal? Hell yes, I should be mad.
I'm just bracing myself for the worst. That's all I can do.
Tonight, I'm going to push him to talk to somebody (no matter how much he protests this time). Anybody. Even if they don't give him any advice, he should talk out loud about his problems and go through things with someone. Just verbalizing his problems may just bring a kind of resolution that he needs.
If he doesn't come to some kind of reconciliation soon, I'm going to start to get peeved off, I'm pretty certain of it. Right now, I'm okay with it, and letting him dwell on things with or without me, but if it takes too long, I may just have to be the one to say let's not see each other any more.
It hurts just even writing it down.
Hey there Gypsy Teacher - If you are interested in teaching in America you should consider International Teacher Exchange Services (ITES) they are online at www.itesonline.com I have found them to be very effective at placing good teachers, they are small group, with a commitment to quality - not quantity, and they are human too, nothing like the big machine that is the VIF Program. Good luck!!