Diary of a Wom'n

Yesterday afternoon the secretary says to me, "Grace, why do you look sad lately? I can see it in your face." So that confirms it. I'm no good at pretending things are just dandy, no matter how hard I try. I love that people are concerned about me but right now I'm trying something new--thinking positive. It's been a real effort but I just HAVE to think positive in moments of total misery. Otherwise, I'll slip into depression like I did two years ago.

We got cameras for our building a few days ago at work and I have the view of 12 cameras at once so I totally feel like Big Brother. I can see who's coming or going. Speaking of Big Brother, I dig those surveillance cameras throughout the city that was enforced recently. I feel safer this way.

My dad encountered a little punk who attempted to steal something from his car yesterday afternoon. He didn't call the police because the boy wasn't successful stealing anything and also, he may come back to try to vandalize something for revenge.

Well, summer is on the way and I have absolutely no plans except to work my ass off.

There is one thing I want to do and that is to revive the idea of writing a novel. I had started it but never had enough time to continue it. So this summer, my goal is to get as much writing done as I can.

J and I watched a black and white movie last night called "The Hitch-Hiker". The simplicity of black and white movies is something to appreciate. I like the way the focus is on good acting rather than glitze and glamour.

Oh, and the most surreal thing happened this afternoon. I did something minor for my boss and the project we're working on and he was so happy that he got carried away. He said, "This is fantastic! Grace, I love you sooo much. You're like a gem to me."

awwwwwww!

And finally, one of my project team members brought her children to work today. They were so cute. They'll be coming in with her for the entire summer because she can't leave them at home and her husband is working on the remaining portion of his PhD. She said his supervisor is flying in from the UK for the weekend to see him and his report. Good stuff.

I don't think I'll be talking to J tonight. I have to wake up early tomorrow morning to pick up my brother from the hospital.

GW

I thought I was getting better at concealing my feelings but apparently I'm still an open book. A few days ago, my boss's wife looked at me intently and asked if I was feeling okay. I told her yes, that I was just really tired.

Then this afternoon, my boss asked if I was doing okay. I said yes, and I thought that was the end of that. In the afternoon, he asked me again if everything was okay in my life. Something like, "Grace, is everything really okay? I feel like something is worrying you. It seems like something is bothering you physically or mentally."

"No, I'm okay. Thank you for asking me."

"If there is, I'd like you to talk to me about it. I can help you out."

"Thank you but I'm fine."

Wow, I knew I didn't hide my feelings well but I didn't know I was THAT transparent. What was I supposed to say to him?

"Yes, something is terribly wrong with me. Everyday, I feel like I'm going mental. I can't handle the pressure around me anymore."

Please.

A few follow up thoughts on the crappy interview. This is how I imagined it went in my head after all the questions:

"Do you have any questions?"

"Yes, I got f*cking questions for you. Do you have any idea how nerve-wracking it is to have 2 people interview you? Didn't I already go through this at the board level? What is the point of this crap? Do you both not have an entire school to run?"

"This is how we do it at this school and might I add your tone is--"

"F*ck my tone. I got another question for you. Have you forgotten that you were once in my position? Have you forgotten that you were once a groveling white slug? Do you think you're shak now? Don't you think it's time to get off your high-horse?" Many attempts to interrupt me in this debacle.

"This interview is over. Get out."

"Oh, I'm out."

Slam!

I was having sinful thoughts since that day. I just thought what is the point in all this. Okay, eventually I'll get a job. Then what? Wait for another crisis? Sometimes I think it's me. It's all me. I think EVERYTHING is a crisis. And I take EVERYTHING personally. I take offense very easily. Why oh why don't I develop thick skin?

***

On another note, J and I are going away for the long weekend, to Quebec or Montreal. It's getting a little more serious. I'm starting to adore him. On Friday night, he called me but I missed the call. Then I returned his call but he asked to call me back in 10 min. He ended up calling after 20 min and by then I was fast asleep on the sofa. On Sunday I found out that he was calling from work that Friday. It wasn't the first time he called from work but that day he was in the middle of a problem. I asked why then would he call me. He said, "I wanted to talk to you before you went to sleep. I knew you had your interview, I wanted to know how it went."

awwwww.

Then just today he sent me a facebook msg saying he got me another one of my favourite movies which I haven't been able to find! He is so sweet! I love the way he thinks about me during the day.

I think if we have any time left in our long weekend, we'll see a musical. Knowing him, he's probably got tickets right now.

***

Another thing I keep forgetting to mention is one of my high school students one day was wearing a nice blue shirt. The colour really suited him so before I could stop myself I told him so. Then, for the next few weeks, he'd often wear that same shirt and shirts similar to it. Sometimes I forget that I am not just another person but a teacher who can so easily influence a child.

***

I also forgot to mention the little robbery that happened right before my eyes at Staples. I was waiting at the cash register to pay for my merchandise when all of a sudden, some guy blazes right in front of me as if the devil himself was chasing him. One his way out, he totally busted one of the revolving doors. I heard the wide-eyed workers say that he stole a credit-thing. I don't know exactly. 2 things I was not impressed with:

1. There was no finesse in the act of pilfering on the part of the amateur. I mean, running away from the store? Yeah, that's definitely not going to draw attention to yourself.

2. Besides looking around with an expression of disapproval, when did it become the protocol to do absolutely nothing in an event of a petty robbery? For shame. I would have done nothing less than tail that sob.

Then later on my way to the parking lot, I had a pleasant confrontation with another sob. She was parked next to me. I had reversed parked. She had not. I was getting into my car and was on the phone at the same time (sharing the earlier event to someone) when all of a sudden, I hear a thud on my car door. What do I see but that blind bat slam her car door on mine. Thank god I took the crappy car that day but nevertheless, the damage would have been on her car, not mine b/c the face of her car door hit the edge of mine. Then in my naivette, I waited for an apology from her--what I got was a dirty look. She got out very pissed, uttering unintelligible things--curse words no doubt but I took the defense. I wanted her to approach me but she didn't. Too bad b/c I wanted to throw in a little woopass to an already amusing day. But it was for the best because it was hot and I was getting late for work.

A few days later, I witnessed another act of crime. I didn't know what happened exactly. All I saw was 2 officers escorting a man in cuffs right in front of me at the grocery store.

What is happening to this world?

I thought today was going to bring high hopes --with the interview and all, but no dice. The position I applied to sucked. The interview sucked. This whole charade sucks.

I officially hate my life.

A few days ago, I learned (through facebook) that one of my friends from teacher's college got engaged to one of our classmates. They met in class and started dating in January I think. They are a cute match. They're from different backgrounds but something about it seemed natural. Nic was a subdued kind of guy. He was outgoing but not loud, outspoken but not obnoxious, quiet but not shy. And she is just a sweet girl with a bubbly personality. I'm actually very surprised that she didn't find a teaching job. The two are getting married in August. They're in Alaska right now (I guess an early honeymoon?) They've been to Mexico and New York as well. Share and Ben travelled frequently too (Korea, South Carolina, Las Vegas) I'm really happy for them.

The list is out for TDSB vacancies so I'll get started tomorrow morning with the calls.

I still don't feel good. Last night J was talking to me about his work for a good 1/2 hour and I couldn't feign interest the slightest bit. My input included "hm-mm", "okay", and "really". I was feeling way too emotional. Then when he asked me how I was, I couldn't hold it in. I told him "not good" and started crying a little but I made him believe that I wasn't. I didn't tell him anything but he knows something is wrong. I wish I could control myself better in these situations.

What I need is a permanent job here. I need to meet new people and work in a different environment. I hate where I am right now.

Thank you, K, for the kind words. I hope I CAN appreciate the darkness one day.

GW

I had a feeling this wasn't temporary. I'm officially depressed. I've been feeling horrible all day at work and by 7 pm I was numb. When I got home I started to cry just before getting in the shower.

I hate facing the reality that another year has gone by and all I have is emptiness. This has nothing to do with my friend's engagement. I'm not desperate to get married or anything like that. I'm sad about other things. I'm sad that I didn't continue my piano lessons. I'm sad that I couldn't/didn't keep in touch with so many people in my life that have slipped away. I'm sad that school consumed so much of my time and made it impossible to actually enjoy life. I'm sad that I didn't take those opportunities. I'm sad that I didn't stand up when it mattered. This is really difficult for me.

I'm just so damn sensitive. Why does everything have to hurt?

GW

I got up this morning to hear of news that one of my long lost friends has just gotten engaged with Ben. It seemed like just yesterday we were in teacher's college and she was telling me about her break-up with her overly sensitive-boyfriend who buys flowers for her mom. Then she met Ben around January of '06 and I remember she was really happy. She had told me that she has a habit of breaking up with guys very quickly so she made a promise to herself that she would give this guy 3 (or 6- I can't remember) months. And now she made it stick!

Last night I worked for 13 hours, came home and talked with J. He had another surprise. He uploaded over 100 songs into a flashdrive for me to listen to. I'm going to have fun listening to them.

I have work in about 15 minutes and I can't seem to shrug Sunday off my shoulders. I'm still tired in my head.

My goal for the next two days is to revamp my resume and cover letter (maybe not totally) and give it a new shine.

I'm not feeling good today. I never have any time to do anything.

GW

J and I went out today. I had a nice time. I'd be lying if I said there was chemistry but I'm okay with that. There are some things that I'm uncertain about but I'm unwilling to let him go too fast. I've got something to work with; he's gentle, calm, a sweetheart, rationale, never yells or loses his temper, and he's very butch. Big guys turn me on.

The things I want to change about him is make him more flirty and to crank up the heat on the sexual tension. He's just too gentle, almost innocent in a way. He reminds me of that 40-year-old virgin. I feel like we're too much like old friends.

But in the past few weeks, I definitely have rubbed off on him. For example, he has practically memorized my favourite songs and song artists and gotten into my groove. He loves one of my favourite movies which is "Why Do Fools Fall In Love" and can't get enough of the hit Teenagers song. I got him interested in musicals again. He's feeling me.

When I think about it, although it's not all lovey-dovey right now, I know if we ever get together, he'll be like my best friend. He won't pressure me or make me mad on purpose or do things that will hurt me. We'll go out to places and it will be easy going.

We ate at Boston Pizza tonight and then went to Sobey's to pick up a Father's Day cake but to no avail. They were all sold out. I didn't want to go home just yet (it was only 9.30) so we went for a walk by the theatre and then browsed through Walmart in the automobile section to look for a gift he wants for his dad which is a car-seat warmer/cooler/massager. He's got a day off tomorrow so he said he'll shop around some more before buying one. Before he headed out, we each bought a movie. I got "Click" with my adorable Adam Sandler. And he got "Blood Diamond" I think.

It was a gorgeous day for a walk. I'm glad I didn't go home just yet. Later that evening, I dropped him off at his house (which is ridiculously close to mine) and there he gave me a mini-tour of his mom's garden at the front yard. It was beautiful and quite whimsical. It's his mom's pride and joy. It had a bench, fountain, and everything.

We called it a night at half past 10 and by then I was getting a headache, I don't know why. There was a cute after-school-special moment where one of us had to make a move to either hug or something. It was deliciously awkward and I was happy when he made the move to hug me. I thanked him for the movie he bought me and I drove away into the night.

GW