Diary of a Wom'n

I have a pulsating ick factor happening right now.  It started from this morning.  I think I need to be honest with myself about something.  I'm not exactly the person Mo sees me to be, as much as he'd like.  And he's not exactly the kind of person I'd be forever happy with even though he appears picture perfect.  He's an acquarius and they're the most out of touch people when it comes to matters of the heart.  They're not the type who'll indulge in romance too much or utter flatteries to you.  Their excitment stems from intelligent discussions and meditation.  Romance is last on their list.  I'm not writing him off based on what his sign says but because he actually IS this way.  I noticed it.

Joel now is someone who's more like me in the romance department.  When we're together, we have raging passion.  He's incredibly driven by emotion and feelings.  He's open about his sexuality in a non-threatening kind of way and he's always eager to just sweep me away.  He's like a helium balloon ready to take off into the sky. Unfortunately, we can never be together.

I finally wrote back to Djibril.  He had written me way back in the end of Jan.  It's now near the end of March.  Apparently, his absence was due to his mother being ill.  He had to travel to Africa to visit her but eventually, she passed away.  He said he thought of me while he was away and he tried emailing me during the time he was there but the letters didn't go through.  Hopefully he responds and doesn't get offended by my long silence.  I had just been putting it off and before I new it, one day turned to weeks and weeks.

Tristan is the one I really have to connect with again.  The poor guy probably thinks I'm the biggest jerk in town.  I say I'll call him in a few days, but it usually ends up being months later.  I should really call him though and meet up this weekend.  Unless Mo wants to come down and see me.

Anyway, I'm trying to let go of my bad feelings about Mo.  I feel like it's over before it has even started.  What triggered this?  It's the fact that I responded to his email yesterday, and I wrote a lovely detailed letter, and he responded with only a few sentences in return.  It's the fact that on our date, he put gospel music on in his car.  It's that he lives far away like Isaac.  And to put the proverbial icing on the cake, his good friend's name is Isaac.  It's just all a bad sign, a nagging indication of an impending bad situation.

I'm going to do as Dee had said, keep it open and have my own fun.

GW

This week, I've been a material girl, let me tell you.  And these are my material things:

1.  I got a new blackberry phone (curve, to be exact).
2.  During my ortho appt, my ortho filed my teeth to even them out horizontally.  They look fabulous!
3.  I got a few clothes items for work that are very classy (and cheap!).
4.  I got new sofa sets for the living room.
5.  After a disappointing start, I finally found 2 pairs of glasses for such a great price and not to mention, one pair was prescription sun-glasses.
6.  I got more super magnets and they were on sale for about a quarter of the normal cost!
7.  To feed my obsessive compulsive behaviour and my paranoia, I bought a large lock for one of my classroom cabinets to lock in all of my school supplies.
8.  And tomorrow, I'll be perming my hair!  It's going to be such a relief not having to straighten it every time.

I love March Breaks.  I'd love April Breaks too.  Doesn't have the same ring to it though, eh?

GW

It's March Break week and I already have nothing to show for it.  At least the weather has been unbelievable.

Speaking of unbelievable things, I met someone really great.  His name is Mo.  Zee introduced us a few weeks ago and we started talking over the phone a bit.  Then over the weekend he asked me to go out for dinner for Monday evening.  I didn't have high expectations of him or our date but I aimed to make the best of it.  As it turned out we had a great time.  He is a nice person, very decent and appears trustworthy.  In fact, he's celebate and very faithful.  I've never dated anyone like him. 

We went out today as well.  Again, it was such a beautiful day that we had to enjoy it so we went to the lake and walked by the shore.

Mo and I have a lot in common as we discovered, it's almost uncanny.  I might even say he's the female version of me.  Aside from having the same background, we're both celibate, both have similar ambitions in life, both have similar weaknesses, both uphold similar values, both have never seen our home country but are making plans to go, and equally important, both have a great fashion sense! 

As I was with Mo both yesterday and today, my thoughts went to Isaac a few times.  For one thing, there were things Mo said that echoed what Isaac used to say to me (let's keep it b/w us for now, don't let me pressure you...maybe these are just generic things guys say).  Added to that is both Mo and Isaac live miles away, far enough to make it difficult to see each other every weekend.

Ultimately, I think I'm afraid the same thing may happen to Mo and I and I don't think I could go through that again.  I'm also afraid I won't let myself love Mo down the road as much as I did Isaac.  I shouldn't think these thoughts but it's the fear that's making me have these thoughts.

He went back to Kitchener this afternoon.  He asked to attend a church service with me at my church on one of these weekends.  I think that would be nice.  It's wishful thinking at this point but since we both had been thinking of travelling back to our home country, we thought of perhaps doing it together this summer since we were planning to go there anyway.  That would actually be fabulous to have someone to share the experience with (and get lost in the city with).

PS. We're saving our first kiss too.

GW

The new year is underway and aside from the annual chores that comes with new years, I feel I'm still stuck in 2009.  There's nothing new for me yet.

Except that TW has arrived and is living with us.  He's going to ESL classes and watching Western movies.  Because we're all rather busy, we haven't been able to show him much of Toronto.  Perhaps during the March break, we'll go out more.


His WIFE knows about me?

Needless to say, I got out of our group date (which was yesterday - Friday) and swiftly went home instead. I talked to Dee and Candice about it and they say that Courtney and Sandy are probably swingers or they're involved in something just as slimy as that.

When I think about all those times that Courtney pressed me for a date, flattered me, gave me little notes and gifts, I think, "Does he have no morals?"  Had I known he was married I wouldn't have allowed him to be too friendly with me.  Ironically, he has stopped swinging by my class and talking with me in stair-wells or halls now.  Thank god.

GW

Aziz moved away today.

Earlier he had told me he was moving in Feb but as it turned out, he moved a little earlier than that.  It was today.  I had known for at least a week but it was only yesterday that it hit me like a brick.  All day today I had a sinking feeling in my stomach.  I wasn't quite prepared for him to leave.

Quickly this morning, I made him a card and got the class to write a note for him throughout the day.  In the afternoon, he left for a trip so when he returned by the end of the school day, I gave him the card and a movie I thought he might like, as well as his birthday bookmark.  Ms. Nic, who knew him since he was in grade 6, made him a banana cake.  She adores him too.  She had also taught his two brothers before Aziz.

I'm probably prolonging the hurt by doing this but throughout the day, I also took pictures of the class where he was in some of them.  I want to post these pictures in the class bulliten and perhaps contribute them to the grade 8 year book.

I can't even express into words the anguish I felt of realizing that he was going and that there will be an empty seat from now on.  I didn't realize that I got attached to him so much over these past few weeks.  A few weeks!  It's only been about 8 weeks since I started teaching here but it feels like half a year.

I know I said this before but Aziz is one in a million.  He has the biggest heart and the deepest soul.  He is a truly rare human being.  I pray that the next teacher who is lucky to have him appreciates him and takes care of him and nurtures this quality in him.  I hope that he stays on the right path and he doesn't meet any negative people or at the very least, let them influence him.  I want him to succeed and be all that he is.

This is truly one of the hardest moments in teaching.  You make these unexpected connections with kids and you realize this when you start to cry when they leave or get transfered.  As in my case - as soon as the school day was over and I finished dealing with other teachers and kids, I found a moment to myself and started to break down.  I couldn't hold it anymore.  And felt like something was pulling at my heart-strings.  And again when I mentioned it to Vick that Aziz left, I got teary.  I just miss him.  He was like a sunshine in my room.  He brought a dynamic to the class that reached out to every corner.  He was in a class of his own. 

I'm going to be looking out for him in the future because he is destined for great things.  I pray that I am fortunate and lucky enough to meet more Azizes in this world.  They make life better and happier.

Here's a bizaare dream I had last night. I was in some place - it looked like a building. I was there with Ben and we were both leaving together, all the while, saying so long to some aquaintances. Then, for a moment Ben went off to say hello to a group of women. He was within ear shot so I heard him talking about me, "Yeah, that's my girlfriend. She's a teacher. But she's a teacher for the teachers." At the time, I remember thinking, "Oh, my gosh. Why did he tell them that?" And then the second thought was "That's such a lie about me being a teacher for the teachers." But in the dream, I was thinking he must have done that to give the impression that there's a distance between he and I. That somehow it was okay.

GW

Looks like I had a moment there in the previous blog post below.  I was having a bad day.  It was when I discovered that one of my kids had had a terrible history growing up.  Her early years went by without her parents who left her behind in Africa and left to Canada.  Only when she did reunite with them, her father passed away shortly after.  Thereafter, her mom remarried and uprooted her from Canada and took her back to southern Africa for a few years where the language of study in the school there was the local language of the region.  Then she and her family moved back to Canada a few years after that.  The many upheavals in her life has impacted her socially and academically.  She had a psych report done in 06 I believe that indicates that to some degree, the experiences in her life is still affecting her.

And to add to all the disruption in her life, it was decided that she would transfer to another class specializing in kids like her.  I wish somebody did their job and found out that she had a learning problem and put her in the correct class from day one.  That way, we wouldn't have the issue of already developing connections and attachments.  And while I'm playing the blame game, I wish her mother had the common sense and heart to raise a child right.  Why would you have a child and then swing them around like a ball on a string?  Why destroy the very foundation that will define who they are and who they grow up to be?  I cannot understand it.

This girl is a beautiful soul.  She is a hard-worker and quiet as a mouse.  She has a keen way of identifying with characters or people that she reads about.  In her biography assignment (which was on William Shakespeare), she pointed out that she didn't like Shakespeare for one thing - it's that he left his family without telling them where he had gone to.  This tore me up.  She identified with this experience and expressed her feelings about it. 

I had a hard time swallowing all this in the beginning.  But what makes this a little bearable is that I see her often and I'm still her science teacher at he very least, even if I'm no longer her core teacher.  I'm also happy that she is in a class where the teacher is, I'm told, very great.  She needs somebody great.  Because she herself is great.

I miss my girl.

GW

That sentiment has always been there since the beginning of January 2006.  It was there when I graduated from teacher's college and it's still there now.

I hate having to implement all these new initiatives ON TOP of what we already have to do which is beyond a full plate already.  When you try to do too much all at once, you're really not going to produce anything effective.


I truly hate the kids that were born here and take for granted this life of luxury.  I also hate the kids that immigrated here and have turned footloose as a result of experiencing all the freedoms Canada and our school boards have to offer.  Their life of hardship and fear that they once lead is quickly forgotten and replaced instead with entitlement and arrogance.  And I hate the parents who bring children into this world only to destroy them.

Most of all, I hate having to "teach" a class of 30.  Teaching isn't a good word for what we do to be quite honest.  Maybe mentoring, entertaining, being a friend, counseling, care-giving - some would even go as far to say as glorified baby-sitting.  In any case, it's not teaching.  It's "keeping them busy for 10 months of the year".  And 30 is just an average.  I have been in classes where there were 40 kids in one classroom.  Insane?  Not if you're a board admin.

And finally, I hate what the school boards have become - weak, ineffectual, and soft.  Where is the authority that teachers and schools once had?  What factors contributed to it becoming diminished?  As it is, teachers have as much authority as a piñata does among a group of bat-wielding kids.  Is it any wonder why kids today are in the state they're in in terms of their academic performance?  Why should they do their homework or projects? Why should they study?  What's the teacher going to do?  Give them an IEP?  Call their parents who are just as unable to help?

The Canadian education system is a disaster.  We are ranked the lowest of the low in world stats.  We have an IEP for every child or at the very least, a label.  Their literacy and numeracy skills is in the toilet because our schedule is filled with so much crap that by the time you actually DO get to teach them something it's only for a total of maybe 20 minutes.

It's hard to say what's in store for me regarding this job come next September but I'm not going to lie, I hope the teacher I'm covering for comes back so I can leave and pursue something else.  It's making me feel hopeless and defeated.


It's going to be a long dreadful year.

GW