Diary of a Wom'n

Appearances can be so deceiving.  On the outside, a person can look so together, aloof, strong.  On the inside, the total opposite.

I had dinner with Salima after work and we got to talking about her relationship troubles.  She's in love with a man who doesn't feel she's the one for him.  In her description, he's almost a perfect human being - thoughtful, sensitive, strong.  But he doesn't see her in her future sadly.  So when he broke up with her before the holidays, it was hard on her.

I'll talk about this more tomorrow.  Going to sleep.

GW

Roses are red...voilets are...it doesn't matter because I haven't stopped to smell either this year.

It wouldn't be an understatement to say the year has went by very fast.  Apartements have been bought, permanent jobs have been secured and with more things on the way, who has time for roses?  I like that things have been fast-paced.  It gives me very little time to be bored or start thinking about depressing things.

I think it's been a fulfulling year all in all.  In addition to the new job and apartment, I'm particularily thrilled about getting back into the groove of reading for the fun of it.  And the book that did the trick was The Hunger Games.

To be quite cliche, I want to make a New Year's resolution.  For 2011, I want to spend more time with my friends.  This year, I kind of strayed away from them to put more energy into my work.  This time, I want to balance things out and connect with them again.

The second resolution is to dress with class for work.  I want to step it up a notch and look good more often than not.

GW

There are days where I revile my job so much one hour, and love it the next. 

Like Saturday.  I got to see Harrison again.  I was off for the month of November.  And Saturday was my first day back.  When Harrison saw me, he was pleasantly happy to see me.  "Heeeey" he expressed to me, brandishing the biggest smile I've gotten from him yet.  "How are you?" he asked with a genuine interest, his bulging arms and powerful legs making their way to the table.  Has he gotten more beefy over this past month? 

He wants to tell me he misses me.  That all he could think about there in my absence was me.  And that it took a lot of restraint to keep himself from giving me a hug upon seeing me again.  I want to tell him I'm happy to see him again too.  And happy to toss secret glances at each other again.  But I pass the moment with "How've you been?" and "What's new" and avoid anything that is too personal - that's dangerous territory.

I love the way he's so intelligent, and shows a lot of committment to his work.  He doesn't waste time or act like an idiot like guys usually do.  He's got it all together.  He doesn't seem to need to figure himself out.  He already knows himself.  He's self-assured and so naturally confident.

He's definitely somebody special.

GW

They say that we want what we can't have.  The more we can't have it, the more we want it.

In my case I am so attracted to this guy that I can't have.  He's younger than me and is average looking to a casual observer but to me, he's so hot.  There's something about him that makes him so charming and sexy.  It's in his personality.  He doesn't talk much or do anything out of the ordinary.  But he has a way of moving and flexing his muscular arms that I love.  He's tall and has such self-assurance and confidence when he moves and walks and stands and sports his sexy tight shirts like he doesn't know his shoulders and chest want to rip right through them.  His powerful legs are like pillars, strong like the rest of his body. 

It's in the way he slowly leaves the room, stalling for time to spend a meaningful moment to say goodbye to me..."Bye Grace."  I love the way he says my name and implores me to look at him at the same time.  And his smile makes me forgot to breathe.  It's like his lips are saying to me, "I want to grab your waist and pull you close, and if you close your eyes I'll kiss you softly."

He is so sexy but I pretend that I don't notice this or the tension between us.  I have to pretend to be neutral and unaffected.  I'm just there to do my job, not be swept away in something magical and get involved in a secret affair.  We don't have to say anything to each other.  It's enough to just be in the same room and I feel him, and he feels me.  My heart starts to race and I try not to let my voice reveal the butterflies in my stomach.  I try to take control over my scrambled thoughts because I can't control my body anymore.  Sometimes I'm stiff, other times I move like a belly-dancer.

Even though we can't see each other romantically, I love how he makes me feel. 

GW

For every call that I get from a guy, I wish I could redirect them to this post;

You've reached the virtual box of Grace Wonderful.  I'm sorry I can't see or speak to you right now but due to the recent random events of crime against women inflicted by high society men, I don't wish to be in your company for the next 6 months.  I have a temporary abhorrence for the phallocentric world and anything masculine except for small dogs (the canine kind).  Any propositions from you for a weekend date or midweek dinner night will be immediately and thoroughly rejected.  All messages left on my phone will be deleted before being reviewed and all emails imploring me to contact you will be dutifully deleted and potentially marked as "junk mail".  Should you wish to ignore my wishes and continue to seek me out, please accept my condolences now for I will taser you in the near future and then send you a restraining order.  Thank you and have a wonderful day.

But it's not all men that disgust me right now.  My close friend Kunle is a sweetheart and this guy I'm crushing on is all heart.  It's the guys that are so persistent in calling me and pushing me to see them that turn me off right now.  I don't need that and I certaintly don't need to be guilted into doing anything I don't want to do or can't do, for that matter.  I can't tell you how extremely busy I am with work.  A teacher's job seriously doesn't end at 5:00 pm.  It extends beyond that into the evening and then carries over to the weekend and into the wee hours of the night.  I'm doing admin work, maintaining contact with parents, writing up IEPs, lesson planning, unit planning, marking, etc.  Clearly I'm stressed out.

And I explain this to people, very clearly what my day involves.  So forgive me if I get a little frustrated when people say to me (especially men) "you don't even call me/answer my calls." or "I'm so upset with you - you're avoiding me.  I needed to talk to you and you didn't even answer my calls" or "Can I please see you right now?"

How about, "I'm sorry to hear that you're so busy." or "Is there anything I can do to help?" or give me suggestions as to how I can be less stressed out.  For crying out loud, why would you put more stress on someone by shouldering your own problems on them when they are in the middle of their own stressful dilemma.

That's what happened when Joel called me this week while I was at work and I was just rushing to go to a meeting at that point and he pulls the "you're ignoring me" crap right after I finished telling him how frickin busy things have been with me (but rightly so b/c this is my first permanent position).

Anyway, I just have short patience for this kind of thing b/c it's selfishness.  It's selfish b/c they're implying that they're time and they're worries/comfort is more important than mine.

GW

So goes a conversation with one of my grade 7 girls this week...

"Ms. G, are you married?"

"No." (in a wistful tone)

"You're not? Do you have a boyfriend?"

"No." (in a "absolutely not" tone)

"No?  Do you have a crush on someone?  Are you crushing on a guy?"

"No." (in a "that's a silly notion" tone)

"Are you thinking of getting married sometime?"

"No." (in a pensive tone)

Lol.  I imagine the conversation would have been much more livelier if I did have a bf but I had to tell the truth and I also had to steer the conversation to how much I love being me and focusing on what I love; teaching.  And that marriage isn't as important as fulfilling your dream (unless of course marriage is the dream for some).

Youthful innocence is so charming sometimes.

GW

I knew I would love you the moment I saw you and today, we're inseparable.

My days begin and end with you.  You're there in the morning to wake me up, and you're there at night to lull me to sleep.  And though I don't see you all the time, you're always close to my heart.

Your shade of purple and sleek black curves is irresistible to touch.  When we go out together, you're admired by all and I'm happy to see you sparkle when the spotlight is on you.

Where ever I am, you keep me posted on the latest news and you keep me connected when I'm out of reach from the world.

And when you get old and a little worn out, I think I will adore you even more.  You'll mean more to me every year that we're together.

And even when my Fido contract ends after the 3 year term, you'll still be my number one.

GW