Diary of a Wom'n

A few days ago, I handed my boss a document and said to him, "This might be really good to use for our upcoming math contest". He started leafing through it and looking at the questions and said some things.

Then he says, "Hmm, you know, we could use this for our math contest".

No, really? Because that's NOT what I just said.

GW

The following dialogue brooches the topic of forgiveness which I found to be very beautiful. It's from Diaries of a Mad Black Woman.

Mytle: You know I know this man put a hurtin' on you baby, but you've got to forgive him. No matter what he done, you've got to forgive him - not for him, but for you.

Helen: Forgive him for me?

Myrtle: When some body hurts you they take power over you, if you don't forgive them then they keeps the power. Forgive him baby and after you forgive him, forgive yourself.

For a long time, I didn't understand what Myrtle meant that they "take power over you". I considered forgiving a person, especially if they don't deserve it, as condoning what they did and denying that person's responsibility of hurting you.

I get it now. Although it might be more accurate to say that the feelings of hurt the person causes you takes power over you - not necessarily the person himself but rather the hurt and the resentment that they cause. For example, a person who betrays you might cripple your ability to trust (if you let it) or a man who turns his back on you might make you resent all men in the future (again, if you let it). Forgiving the person really means letting go of that particular situation and preventing it from interfering with your other relationships and interactions. You don't have to continue to have them in your life - just forgive them, let go of the grudge and move on.

It's so much easier said than done I can tell you that. In my case for example, I could never forgive the woman I share a house with. How do you forgive someone who from the moment you were born reminds you that they hate being a mother? Who never once uttered the words, "You did a great job" and instead chose to be a bitter, spiteful, nagging, rude, unappreciative, miserable, belly-acher, critical, make-you-want-to-kill-yourself kind of a bitch? How do you forgive that? You can't. If there was one exception to the "forgive" rule, it's this one. You can't forgive a failure of a mother.

GW

The following are the tasks I've completed (or will complete by the end of Saturday). I won't be doing certain things I wrote below so in the next few days, I'll have a new to do list for the rest of 2009.

1. purchase select eritrean movies
2. write out the 2 love stories
3. review resume and begin to fill in LTO forms and apply for LTOs
4. write and send letter to QECO
5. review SFE
6. organize basement bookshelf
7. buy a dress for Sancha's wedding
8. book dental appt for some time in October
9. finish collecting resources from the summer AQ course
10. see the doctor about skin
11. shopping for clothes
12. buy a new computer system
13. start a photo blog photo site
14. find an organization system for my shoes
15. draw up a business plan
16. make a list of requirements for MEd.
17. type out TDSB interview questions

GW

I changed the html of my blog. Although everything looks nice, I don't like that the dashboard is missing. This means I have to constantly open a new page to access the dashboard to simply make a new post entry. Looks nice though.

GW

I had a beautiful night today with Tristan. We went to main street, just off of highway 7. There is this quaint little town there that's so unlike the rest of the city. It's delightfully European. You feel like you've stepped onto the streets of Paris. I loved it. He took me to a secluded area by the pond. We sat on the steps and gazed up at the moon and Jupiter (there weren't that many stars in the sky) drinking our star bucks hot chocolate. It was a chilly night so it was just what we needed. Sitting on the stones, we talked about the magnitude of human capability to achieve extraordinary things and what's to come. We wondered if science will ever reach the point where we will discover God and where he lies. Man has come this far so it's a possibility. We talked about his old home by the waters up north and how much he missed being so close to nature and the peaceful environment. We talked about his parents' separation last year and how his dad is not taking it very well. We talked about his future and if he'll find a career after finishing his MFA that he truly loves.

He's so unlike the other men I've been with. Over dinner, he told me that he takes after his mom in the way she is soft-hearted and gentle. Tristan is incredibly gentle and sweet. We didn't kiss tonight or let our sexual energy take control. Tonight he gave me something more; he gave me his heart.

While we were walking towards the pond, my shoe started hurting me so he took off his shoes and gave them to me to wear while he walked without shoes, only his socks, over gravel, pavement and wet grass. He carried my shoes in one hand and his hot chocolate in the other. Could I have asked for more? On our way back, I suffered with him and endured the journey without shoes too.

Today I got to thinking, Tristan is the type of person you can love for his soul, for his strengths and his weaknesses, for his positive traits and his flaws. You can love him if he was a CEO or coffee guy, a successful businessman or a starving artist. He's so human. You can love him no matter what b/c when you see him you'll only see his beautiful human spirit.

I'm so close to the edge with him right now, if he pushes me I'm going to fall.
GW

It’s been nearly a week since J and I spoke. He called me a few times and texted me this: I miss you sooooo much. He probably figures that I’m very upset with him but the truth is, the issue is between him and himself. It’s beyond my disappointment with him. The fact of the matter is, he has a childish way of dealing with situations that make him feel uncomfortable or that he doesn’t want to deal with – essentially he ignores them and hopes they disappear. Children do that; they hide under their covers and hope the monsters go away by the time they pull themselves out of their covers again. But we’re not children anymore. We’re adults and our problems aren’t going to go away simply by hiding under the covers. We have to confront them, deal with them and reject fears of disappointing or upsetting others – in other words, utilize our problem-solving skills.

I’m not upset with him for letting me down and not coming through the night I needed him, but rather making me believe I can count on him. He didn’t bother to call me to let me know about our plan; he didn’t give me the chance to ask somebody else to go with me. He just ignored me and hoped I would disappear along with my reliance on him for that night. I guess he got what he wanted. I have disappeared from his life.

GW

Out of the blue yesterday, I suddenly recalled a memory of Tristan. A couple of times in the class that we shared, I caught him looking at me. I thought it was the cutest thing. I remember thinking someone like him couldn’t possibly be interested in me. He was so good-looking. However, I don’t remember having significant interest in him even with the possibility of him being interested in me. I suppose since it was my last year of school, my thoughts were always consumed with other things such as teacher’s college and perhaps I was already dating someone at the time. I probably also doomed myself into thinking he would never date me. Whatever it was, I know I didn’t give myself the chance to have strong feelings for him. It’s nice to recall this memory of him though.

GW