Diary of a Wom'n

Good Bye 2011

2011-12-24T15:55:00.000-05:00

It's Christmas Eve today and I just realized that this will be the first time writing here since the summer. Well, the past few months went by very fast, although at the time it didn't feel like that. I have a sweet bunch of kids again this year, I love it. And I was able to start up new initiatives that I talked about last school year
(http://gracewonderful.blogspot.com/2011/06/great-entertainer.html) which are the spelling bee and the skipping club so far. The spelling bee is great; turned out to be just as I expected it to be. In the new year, a student in the school wants to start a poetry club in my class. I'm not too excited about it because I'm not really a poetry fan. But we'll see how it roles out. Another teacher and I may also start a spoken word team of writers but, again, I'm not too excited about that one either. But if the kids are interested, that's all that matters.

In case I didn't mention this, Dj had left for Calgary for a fellowship for a bit over a month in mid-summer and came back to Montreal to enroll in another program. He had asked if I wanted to come down before the summer to Montreal. I wasn't able to - it was the last few weeks of June and that's a busy time at school.

Joel and I don't talk anymore. He emails me sometimes though. I don't respond. He always made me feel special.

I need a plan for 2012. Do I show random acts of kindess? Do I start a workout program? Do I volunteer somewhere?

GW

Ruth

2011-07-21T02:05:00.000-04:00

A few days ago I had the oddest dream of Ruth telling me that her husband passed away. She seemed to come to terms with it and was not at all distraught or upset. She was more matter of fact than all that. I wonder if this is a message?

Revised 30-Day Challenge

2011-07-21T02:03:00.000-04:00

Okay, a little change of plans to my 30-day challenge. The working out thing is not working out. It's been crazy hot this week and will continue for the rest of the week. So it's been hard to look forward to driving to the gym in this suffocating heat. I'll have to start Friday morning and avoid the afternoon sizzle.

Also, my new curfew is 1.30 am to hit the sack. After that, there's no hope of me falling asleep if I stay up later than that.

I watched the new Harry Potter movie with Kunle today. No, this doesn't mean I'm a Harry Potter fan now. And no, it doesn't mean I'll be going through the series like an excited little teeny-bopper...although, I do have the series sitting on my shelf...hmm. Like I have the time!

GW

You're Breaking Up

2011-07-20T03:36:00.002-04:00

There was a moment of realization when Paul from Zoo Keeper said, "I spent five years trying to get over someone I didn't even love," after getting a second chance to have a life together with his ex-girlfriend of five years. At the end of it, he realized that they're not good for each other at all.

It made me think of how misguided people's feelings could be about each other, especially when there's a breakup involved. Something has gone wrong when someone initiates a breakup. And both partners need to acknowledge it and see the relationship for what it is. As individuals, friends, movie night buddies, we might be wonderful, but as partners in a relationship, not so wonderful.

I started to think if that has been the case with me. Did I ever really love Isaac? For one thing, I didn't know him an awful long time, less than a year in fact. And his job...leaves me less than comfortable. I sure did love being with him though. Maybe that's all it was - a good time. There was no substance. We never got to know each other deeply. And maybe what we find, we may not like. And the fact that he broke up with me is probably a good indication that there are things I truly don't like.

GW

30-Day Challenge

2011-07-19T04:02:00.002-04:00

A few days ago, I read on a fellow blogger's blog that she will be undertaking a 30-day challenge on ways to be a better person. I want to try the same thing but in my case, I'd like to do the following for the next 30 days - written in the order of greatest challenge to least. (July 19-August 17)

-wake up before noon every day (I'm serious)
-accomplish one task every day
-work out at the gym 5 days a week (this will extend into all of August)
-write a post every day

I feel like I'm biting off more than I can chew but I really want to try this. I feel like it could only lead to good things. Going to the gym definitely won't hurt, 30-day challenge or no 30-day challenge. In fact, I'd love to lose about 5 pounds by the end of the challenge. Right now I'm at 125 so I'll set my goal to 120. And by the 5th of September, I'd love to go down to 118. That's reasonable.

So I'll see you tomorrow with something else to talk about.

GW

Sportsmanship Award

2011-07-04T00:09:00.000-04:00

My students won the Sportsmanship award for the mini-olympics at our school. I'm super proud of them. But really, there was not a doubt that they would get it. They each got a burgandy ribbon.

The award is like the equavalent of a beauty pageant's Miss Congeniality award. Very nice.

GW

George: A Criminal in the Making

2011-07-04T00:00:00.008-04:00

I've heard of nasty, twisted, sick young boys who do demonic things but always on the news. I've never actually known them or had the opportunity of working with them.

That about changed a few months ago. There is an eighth grader at our school who is on the fast lane to serial rapist valley. There is something deeply and seriously wrong with him and I can see his future and it's definitely disturbing.

At first, I thought he was just another creepy typical horny boy but seeing the pattern of his behaviour shed light on something more sinister. He initiates sexual acts like gyrating doggy-style behind a teacher close to retirement, grabbing his friends' butt, grabbing their crotch, and allowing his friends to sit on his lap or coming in behind them to squeeze them to him. This is not just a horny boy. This is a criminal in the making.

Mark my words. Sooner or later, he will end up on the front pages for a heinous crime.

GW

The Great Entertainer

2011-06-25T20:17:00.002-04:00

There've been so many happenings over the past month or two but between coming home late and tired; and being lazy, I haven't gotten to writing about it here.

There's 3 days of school left and I am absolutely ready for my break to begin. It's been a good year. My core class was wonderful and so were my 6s. My favourite grade is definitely the 6s. They are cuter, more willing to try new things, and more willing to learn.

Next year, my assignment is ESL, grade 7 Lang/Social Studies, and MYP assistant. It's going to be a lighter load than it was this year and I'm looking forward to it. Next year is our IB evaluation year and so it's going to be a busy year for all of us.

This year, I didn't get involved in any extracurricular activities bc I didn't want to compromise my ability to plan my lessons and units, especially bc this was my evaluation year. I think I'm ready to do it next year. What I had in mind were setting up a spelling Bee competition, debate team, speech competition, story writing competition, and jump rope competition partnered with another teacher. I'm most excited about the spelling Bee competition because that's the one the kids are most eager to participate in.

So for the final 3 days of school, my job as a teacher will end and my new job as The Entertainer will officially begin, entertaining the kids so that they don't turn on each other and avoid a Lord of the Flies situation.

GW

Good Things Come To Those Who...Pay Their Dues

2011-05-22T02:28:00.002-04:00

Last week Thursday my .5 position for next school year turned into a 1.0. I was excited about the adventure that was going to lead me to work at two schools but I like working at one school too. So this will be my third year working at this school, my second year as a full time-permanent.

I get little sparks of joy whenever I think about the last day of school because it means that I can start planning and preparing for the next year. I have several collections of ideas I want to implement in September and start designing charts, unit plans and a budget for classroom supplies. I'm also looking forward to completing the final ESL course to make me a specialist and bump me into the next pay category. So many things to do, but it will be fun.

And the time off for vacation is good too.

GW

Marriage Graveyard - Where Romance Goes to Die

2011-05-22T02:09:00.001-04:00

Theo said it best: Marriage is where romance goes to die!

In any society, those who choose a path of solitary and independence over marriage and children are silently stigmitized and labelled many things - selfish, unfulfilled, spinster...but this is inaccurate.
Lately, I've been doing some reflecting and it dawned on me that I don't actually like the chores and routines that a marriage brings. I like everything about a relationship right up until the wedding day. After that, nothing looks thrilling to me. Especially now, having listened to and observed several married couples and their plights, such as the following.

#1 Marriage makes you complacent

For example, Charls no longer is the fun, spirited person she used to be. We used to gossip, bitch about people and talk about our relationships. Now, the only thing she concerns herself with are family get-togethers. Also, I notice with a lot of couples who've been together for a long time, they don't mention their partners in conversations. It's like their partners have become an old shoe they don't want anymore.

#2 Marriage doesn't garantee "till death do us part"

Michele told me her story of being married for 10 years to her husband before divorcing him for cheating on her. After 10 years of marriage? 1-3 years I can understand, but not after that long. You expect to get old together when you reach a decade of being together, not divorcing and having to go through that mess of splitting up your assets and children. And how do you begin to think of doing that all over again with someone else?

#3 Marriage trades away your independence

Joel and his story has to be the ultimate tragedy and the disaster that scares me. When he first married his wife, it was a blissful time. They loved each other and enjoyed their time together. But soon, bitter feelings towards each other started to emerge and now they are bordering on hatred. They can't stand each other. Emotionally they are separated but now Joel is planning to go through a formal divorce when the time is right. The ugly part of the divorce is going to be custody issues, child-payment and spousal support payments, and splitting the ownership of the house between them.

I don't ever want to go through a situation where I have to fight for what's mine. There's no questions about it - what I worked for, and saved for is mine, and to fight me on that, you'd have to go to hell and back. I absolutely don't like how marriage erases that clear distinction of what belongs to you and them.

#4 Marriage chains you to your partner's stupids annoying habits

Once you marry your man/woman, you marry their annoying habits as well. And the trouble with this is that sometimes you don't become aware of certain things until after you marry them and move in together. And it's not like you can just tell them off and leave to your own house bc your place is now with him/her!

So after much reflection, independence has nothing to do with being selfish. Nor does it lead to an unfulfilled life. It's actually quite fulfilling as you lead a life on your own terms, pace and time. YOU call the shots when YOU want to. It's rather freeing. You avoid a lot of the pitfalls and limitations of marriage and the only thing you're limited by is the sky!

GW

Horoscope - Wed March 23

2011-03-23T22:05:00.002-04:00

You do well when you are in control and operating only on blind faith for a short while, but a situation can become uncomfortable if you have to pretend that everything is okay. Instead of covering up your uncertainty with foolish behavior, try being honest and letting everyone know exactly where you stand. Fortunately, this strategy takes little effort on your part. An additional benefit is that others will like you more if they know that you are being authentic.

I do feel like I'm operating on blind faith a little sometimes. With Dj for instance, I'm hoping the vagueness will lead me and us to some kind of certainty down the line. It's hard to express yourself and be honest over email though, because there is room for misunderstanding and you can't pick up on the tone through email.

GW

She's Got Swag

2011-03-23T21:56:00.001-04:00

Today, Mustafa says to me, "Ms. G, you've got swag." I'm usually in tune to the slang words but this one I wasn't sure of. When I asked what it meant, he said it meant "style". What can I say. It's in my walk, it's in my talk. Do I love it? Totally. I am totally the stylish teacher.

And yesterday, I couldn't help myself but tell one of my grade 6s to take a chill pill because they were being too anxious and hyper. They're getting me to speak like them these days.

I love being young.

GW

The Cool Factor

2011-03-23T21:41:00.001-04:00

Over the past few weeks, that’s how I’ve been described by 3 different people; Dj, Mo, and Kei - cool. Several years ago, I used to be considered “pure”. Now that has been replaced. When Dj went on about what he likes about me, he said I was cool “as a girl and a woman”. When Mo was trying to analyze me about how I’m not anal about my friends calling me right away or not often enough or….and that I don’t assume anything or jump to conclusions…., he said I was really cool and that he wants to be cool just like me. When Kei was telling me what she did over the March Break including some things I shouldn’t know about, her friend asks her, “Why are you telling the teacher that?” to which Kei responds, “So? Ms. G is cool.” Awww.

I like that this is how people see me. I have been making an effort to be cool and easy going, not high-maintenance or uptight. Even though sometimes in my mind, I can be very very uptight and anal about certain things. But nobody needs to know about that part!

Candee called me on the weekend to get advice about job hunting for teaching jobs. She is in her last few months of teacher’s college at Queens and will be graduating in June. I think her division is in P/J. She really want to start teaching right away but unfortunately, she didn’t apply to the TDSB hiring pool around January. She feels she missed her opportunity to be on the ETH/supply list for this year. I’m afraid she’s right but I didn’t discourage her about it.

Talking to her brought back memories and the feelings of anxiety of when I was in her position; about to graduate, REPEATEDLY being told about the dismal job prospect as if it’s a new national anthem, going through a state of total defeat and hopelessness, applying to vacancies all over the board and in other boards in vain, attending interviews without any results….. better to forget those times! In retrospect, I’m so relieved about the position I’m in right now where I have a permanent position, I’m settled and I don’t have that stress of job hunting. I have other stress at work but it’s not as bad as the stress of not having a permanent job I think.

GW

March Break Chronicles - The End

2011-03-20T20:42:00.001-04:00

But wait...where's the beginning? and where's the middle? ...well there is a beginning and a middle but I'm going to sum it up very fast below.

I liked this March Break. You can't ever hate a break from work really. Well, I'd planned on making this week a productive one and I'm proud to say it was. I didn't get to complete everything but I completed the important things.

So to start, I did my long range planning for grade 7 and 6 Literacy. I marked everything except the grade 7 guided reading stories. And I did a lot of relaxing and emailing to Dj. I'm not anxious to return to work tomorrow but I feel less overwhelmed for sure.

Over the break, I also saw Mo. I haven't ever gotten around to updating this blog about him. I guess because he didn't matter to me much. Well, around August, he started to get very insecure about himself around the time I was buying my apartment. He wasn't happy for me from the day I mentioned I was looking for an apartment and when I bought it, the green monster finally came out. He picked at something to argue with me about one evening (i.e. not initiating conversations with him) and finally I stopped talking to him. And note that this was all on BBM. He even apologized over BBM

Then around new years, he writes me happy new year and we started talking again. I debated whether I should reply but the sick part of me wants to see him fall for me so that I can have the glory to tell him I don't want him. I want him to see what a huge mistake he made, I want it to eat at him and make him grow up a bit.

Nothing has changed with him. He didn't date anyone during the time we stopped talking. He isn't looking to buy his own place. He says it's cheaper to rent with a roomate. Whatever. He said he missed me a lot. I think he just misses being with somebody to be honest with you.

Djibril is the one I'm intrigued about. Part of it is he's a new person, at least new from the point of when we met in person. I feel like there's so much about him I don't know. I know factual things but I want to know him in action. I want to see how he treats me in person, how he interacts with me when we're not limited by time, how he solves a problem he's faced with, how he gets angry, what makes him smile...He says he "likes me" and that attraction "grows more and more" everyday. That`s not happening for me. But it's hard for that to happen over email. I hope that in April, he comes down here to visit, where we can get to know each other for real.

GW

Sep 30 2007

2011-03-14T20:47:00.002-04:00

If there was a time machine, that's the day I want to return to. That's the day where I would decide to delete Isaac's messages to me on Facebook, cut all connections with him and never explore a rollarcoaster world with him. I wouldn't know him, I wouldn't love him.

And I wouldn't be here years later missing him.

GW

Sitting on the Fence

2011-03-06T17:28:00.002-05:00

So it's been a week since I last saw Dj and we've been emailing each other every day. We like each other and I think we have a lot in common. I'm hesitant to say whether I really like him or not. His history with relationships is making me very guarded and I can't fully trust him.

Dj says we have a lot in common and hopes our relationship will grow. I wish I could speak French so I can understand the depth of his feelings and what he truly wants to say to me. Right now, he's very limited in his ability to express himself in English. He repeats himself a lot because he doesn't know how to extend what he wants to say.

He plans on coming here to see me when he can work it into his schedule. He's already working on his resume right now he told me. He wrote it in French which means he's probably going to find employment in Quebec. Which means he might start to wall me out because of the distance factor as soon as he realizes he doesn't want to do the long distance thing. Until he can show me that he can totally commit to me, I'm not going to commit to him. I'm going to be casual and date other people as well.

Something hit me last night where my boss had told me something about my fortune. He once had my fortune read a few years ago (2008), and he found that my life is currently seeing difficulty at that time but it will gradually turn around and in a few years, around 2012, I will get married in that year. I was intrigued when he first told me, but I soon forgot about it until now. I wonder if that will be how my life will unfold.
GW

What Girls Do Best

2011-03-02T00:18:00.003-05:00

So I talked to Salima about Dj and she gave me some things to think about, not that I haven't already been thinking about it, but this time she gave me a guys opinion on things - Kevin's. I don't really want to go into it here but I just want to reflect on the fact that something is definitely missing.

For example, normally I would be anticipating and waiting for the moment a guy calls me or writes to me, but this time, I could care less. And it's because he didn't show me the attention I wanted during the gala, specifically. I didn't feel close to him. I sometimes felt like I was just there. He didn't compliment me on how I looked or any of that or make me feel special in any way, except for holding my hands.

Secondly, he seems detached from relationships. I didn't like that he easily moved on from his previous two serious girlfriends when he made the decision to move to a new country both times. I don't like that he left them behind like that. It makes me feel as if he could easily do that to me.

And finally, although nobody seems to think so, I feel the fact that he can't speak English well is a barrier. It's mostly on his part. To me, it's sexy but to him, it seems difficult even though he told me it's not a problem. His lack of English seems to impair the way we communicate a bit. Instead of having deep, complex conversations, it's often cut short because of it. He struggles a little to understand me. And I know he sometimes just nods his head pretending he understands when he truly doesn't. And in a group setting, he doesn't know what to say to me, so he talks to others instead in French. And neglects to translate a little of what he talked about.

So those are my thoughts and observations about him. I don't want to over-analyze (that's what we do best anyway), but I want to be careful if this is headed towards a relationship. I can't get hurt.

GW

Montreal Meets Toronto

2011-02-27T23:55:00.000-05:00

This story is two years in the making. I mentioned before that I've been talking to a guy in Czech, Dj, for a few years. I met up with him this weekend, Friday and Saturday. Where do I start? I had a really great time overall. I didn't just meet him, I met several great people including his friends from school and his hotel roomate.

So it was a Law Conference for blacks that he attended with his friends and he stayed at a hotel. He came with 3 of his friends by car.

On Friday, I met him around 6 at the hotel. He was there waiting for me at the lobby with Jean Jacque, the one whose phone he was using to contact me. Then we went up to his suite where I met his roomate, Israel. There Dj and I talked for a bit.

Then, we went out for dinner together with the friends he came with. They are the funniest people I've met. They were fun, always had a story to tell and very kind. One, Jean Jacque was totally uninhibited and I loved the way he spoke with his West African accent (although nothing beats Nigerian accent). Carroll was also out there, very funny and very cute. He could articulate himself very well in English.

After dinner, we went back to his hotel, and I stayed there until half past 12 before I went home.

On Saturday, I saw him again, and this time they had a gala event that evening. I didn't know that it was a gala until I got. I had thought it was a simple dinner but it was a formal black tie event. And what was I wearing? Well it wasn't formal wear. I saw all the ladies wearing dresses and they were so made up. Anyway, the gala was at Eaton Centre and I drove Dj, Israel and the president of the convention, Carrie, to the place. The weather was terrible but we made it (we should've seriously taken a taxi. The treachorous weather, all the parking fees wasn't worth it. Also, we could've all chipped in at the end instead of me having to pay for it all. I was annoyed about that). Once there, I was pissed that as a guest, I had to pay $70 to get in. Whatever. I got a meal out of it. I should have lied and said that I didn't have money when she asked. What could she do, turn me away and say I need to leave? I drove her there after all. I can never think on my toes. Dj wasn't happy that I had to pay. Twice he said that he wanted to pay me back. The second time, he asked for my account info in order to deposit money into it to make up for the gala.

Something I found interesting was all those I met at the conference were all from West Africa -- Benin, Togo, Ivory Coast, Mali, Camaroon, Sierra Leonne. It was really wonderful. I guess this profession is very appealing to West African people. I think I was the only one from the East. They also all spoke French, except for Carrie.

After the gala we went back to his hotel and I stayed over that night until the next morning (today). I got to know him a lot better after that. He told me what he wants in a woman and about his past girlfriends and why he broke up with them. It gave me a good picture about the type of person he is.

That's the just of it. I'll fill in the gaps tomorrow. But I want to add what I learned from these past two nights:
1. do better on thinking on my toes
2. get other people to drive wherever possible

GW

Curious

2011-01-15T20:20:00.000-05:00

My pen-pal from a couple of years ago is visiting Toronto in March and he says he'd like to meet me. I'm happy that I will get to see him because I never thought I ever would. I never expected circumstances to turn out like this considering he was living in Czech at the time. But I'm glad it did because now I'm curious as to how far this will go.

GW

My Pearls

2011-01-15T20:18:00.002-05:00

Last weekend I had a fit of panic where I thought I caused some trauma to my top molar and was worried that I may have damaged the nerve to the point of no repair. I was so panicked that I spend all day Sunday scouring the internet for either confirmation or reassurance of my worries - of which I found none. A week and a dentist visit later, I found that no damage has been done. I just have to let my tooth recover from the movement caused by the tight retainer. It was my fault for squeezing that thing in there and it caused my tooth to become loose after a few days. But now it seems to have gotten slightly better.

GW

Salima: Waiting For Him

2011-01-15T20:17:00.000-05:00

So I was talking about Salima last week. Well, she is still pining over him like he's her only chance in life. She's hoping that he'll suddenly realize that he does love her and take her back. I urged her to reduce the amount of times she texts or communicates with him. This week she was able to refrain from texting him for 3 days. Normally she would contact him every two days or so. The worrying thing is that she is the one always initiating conversations, never him. I don't like that. Anyway, I think it's best for her if she forces herself to quit talking to him and move on. She'll definitely continue to think about and care about him but being involved in a non-relationship with someone who doesn't want to commit to you isn't healthy.

GW

Salima's Story

2011-01-05T22:41:00.000-05:00

Appearances can be so deceiving. On the outside, a person can look so together, aloof, strong. On the inside, the total opposite.

I had dinner with Salima after work and we got to talking about her relationship troubles. She's in love with a man who doesn't feel she's the one for him. In her description, he's almost a perfect human being - thoughtful, sensitive, strong. But he doesn't see her in her future sadly. So when he broke up with her before the holidays, it was hard on her.

I'll talk about this more tomorrow. Going to sleep.

GW

Reflection of 2010

2010-12-20T20:41:00.001-05:00

Roses are red...voilets are...it doesn't matter because I haven't stopped to smell either this year.

It wouldn't be an understatement to say the year has went by very fast. Apartements have been bought, permanent jobs have been secured and with more things on the way, who has time for roses? I like that things have been fast-paced. It gives me very little time to be bored or start thinking about depressing things.

I think it's been a fulfulling year all in all. In addition to the new job and apartment, I'm particularily thrilled about getting back into the groove of reading for the fun of it. And the book that did the trick was The Hunger Games.

To be quite cliche, I want to make a New Year's resolution. For 2011, I want to spend more time with my friends. This year, I kind of strayed away from them to put more energy into my work. This time, I want to balance things out and connect with them again.

The second resolution is to dress with class for work. I want to step it up a notch and look good more often than not.

GW

Something Special

2010-12-07T23:17:00.002-05:00

There are days where I revile my job so much one hour, and love it the next.

Like Saturday. I got to see Harrison again. I was off for the month of November. And Saturday was my first day back. When Harrison saw me, he was pleasantly happy to see me. "Heeeey" he expressed to me, brandishing the biggest smile I've gotten from him yet. "How are you?" he asked with a genuine interest, his bulging arms and powerful legs making their way to the table. Has he gotten more beefy over this past month?

He wants to tell me he misses me. That all he could think about there in my absence was me. And that it took a lot of restraint to keep himself from giving me a hug upon seeing me again. I want to tell him I'm happy to see him again too. And happy to toss secret glances at each other again. But I pass the moment with "How've you been?" and "What's new" and avoid anything that is too personal - that's dangerous territory.

I love the way he's so intelligent, and shows a lot of committment to his work. He doesn't waste time or act like an idiot like guys usually do. He's got it all together. He doesn't seem to need to figure himself out. He already knows himself. He's self-assured and so naturally confident.

He's definitely somebody special.

GW

Harrison

2010-11-07T16:38:00.003-05:00

They say that we want what we can't have. The more we can't have it, the more we want it.

In my case I am so attracted to this guy that I can't have. He's younger than me and is average looking to a casual observer but to me, he's so hot. There's something about him that makes him so charming and sexy. It's in his personality. He doesn't talk much or do anything out of the ordinary. But he has a way of moving and flexing his muscular arms that I love. He's tall and has such self-assurance and confidence when he moves and walks and stands and sports his sexy tight shirts like he doesn't know his shoulders and chest want to rip right through them. His powerful legs are like pillars, strong like the rest of his body.

It's in the way he slowly leaves the room, stalling for time to spend a meaningful moment to say goodbye to me..."Bye Grace." I love the way he says my name and implores me to look at him at the same time. And his smile makes me forgot to breathe. It's like his lips are saying to me, "I want to grab your waist and pull you close, and if you close your eyes I'll kiss you softly."

He is so sexy but I pretend that I don't notice this or the tension between us. I have to pretend to be neutral and unaffected. I'm just there to do my job, not be swept away in something magical and get involved in a secret affair. We don't have to say anything to each other. It's enough to just be in the same room and I feel him, and he feels me. My heart starts to race and I try not to let my voice reveal the butterflies in my stomach. I try to take control over my scrambled thoughts because I can't control my body anymore. Sometimes I'm stiff, other times I move like a belly-dancer.

Even though we can't see each other romantically, I love how he makes me feel.

GW

Please Leave a Message

2010-10-30T18:36:00.004-04:00

For every call that I get from a guy, I wish I could redirect them to this post;

You've reached the virtual box of Grace Wonderful. I'm sorry I can't see or speak to you right now but due to the recent random events of crime against women inflicted by high society men, I don't wish to be in your company for the next 6 months. I have a temporary abhorrence for the phallocentric world and anything masculine except for small dogs (the canine kind). Any propositions from you for a weekend date or midweek dinner night will be immediately and thoroughly rejected. All messages left on my phone will be deleted before being reviewed and all emails imploring me to contact you will be dutifully deleted and potentially marked as "junk mail". Should you wish to ignore my wishes and continue to seek me out, please accept my condolences now for I will taser you in the near future and then send you a restraining order. Thank you and have a wonderful day.

But it's not all men that disgust me right now. My close friend Kunle is a sweetheart and this guy I'm crushing on is all heart. It's the guys that are so persistent in calling me and pushing me to see them that turn me off right now. I don't need that and I certaintly don't need to be guilted into doing anything I don't want to do or can't do, for that matter. I can't tell you how extremely busy I am with work. A teacher's job seriously doesn't end at 5:00 pm. It extends beyond that into the evening and then carries over to the weekend and into the wee hours of the night. I'm doing admin work, maintaining contact with parents, writing up IEPs, lesson planning, unit planning, marking, etc. Clearly I'm stressed out.

And I explain this to people, very clearly what my day involves. So forgive me if I get a little frustrated when people say to me (especially men) "you don't even call me/answer my calls." or "I'm so upset with you - you're avoiding me. I needed to talk to you and you didn't even answer my calls" or "Can I please see you right now?"

How about, "I'm sorry to hear that you're so busy." or "Is there anything I can do to help?" or give me suggestions as to how I can be less stressed out. For crying out loud, why would you put more stress on someone by shouldering your own problems on them when they are in the middle of their own stressful dilemma.

That's what happened when Joel called me this week while I was at work and I was just rushing to go to a meeting at that point and he pulls the "you're ignoring me" crap right after I finished telling him how frickin busy things have been with me (but rightly so b/c this is my first permanent position).

Anyway, I just have short patience for this kind of thing b/c it's selfishness. It's selfish b/c they're implying that they're time and they're worries/comfort is more important than mine.

GW

First Comes Career...Then Comes Marriage...

2010-10-09T17:55:00.001-04:00

So goes a conversation with one of my grade 7 girls this week...

"Ms. G, are you married?"

"No." (in a wistful tone)

"You're not? Do you have a boyfriend?"

"No." (in a "absolutely not" tone)

"No? Do you have a crush on someone? Are you crushing on a guy?"

"No." (in a "that's a silly notion" tone)

"Are you thinking of getting married sometime?"

"No." (in a pensive tone)

Lol. I imagine the conversation would have been much more livelier if I did have a bf but I had to tell the truth and I also had to steer the conversation to how much I love being me and focusing on what I love; teaching. And that marriage isn't as important as fulfilling your dream (unless of course marriage is the dream for some).

Youthful innocence is so charming sometimes.

GW

Shade of Purple

2010-10-06T23:12:00.001-04:00

I knew I would love you the moment I saw you and today, we're inseparable.

My days begin and end with you. You're there in the morning to wake me up, and you're there at night to lull me to sleep. And though I don't see you all the time, you're always close to my heart.

Your shade of purple and sleek black curves is irresistible to touch. When we go out together, you're admired by all and I'm happy to see you sparkle when the spotlight is on you.

Where ever I am, you keep me posted on the latest news and you keep me connected when I'm out of reach from the world.

And when you get old and a little worn out, I think I will adore you even more. You'll mean more to me every year that we're together.

And even when my Fido contract ends after the 3 year term, you'll still be my number one.

GW

Welcome to Rm. 309

2010-09-28T21:56:00.001-04:00

This school year took off with a good start. I have wonderful groups of kids that I see for Literacy and Social Studies. Because classes have been arranged by a teacher's specialty, teachers at my school have to teach two or three subjects only to about two sets of classes. So for me that means: I teach three literacy classes, and 2 social studies classes. My "core" class is a grade 7 class but I only teach them literacy. I prefer this arrangment because it means teachers can focus on a few particular subjects and teach it several times to different classes instead of teaching everything once.

I'm also liking my classroom. *I should take a picture of it and put it up here* It's got lots of board space and bulletin space. I have one little window in which its ledge doubles as my bookshelf (because I can't ever have enough bookshelves). There's lots of purple, green, and blue in the room. The colours of calmness and serenity. The effect is a little for my benefit too. You see, I have my NTIP (new teacher's induction program) this year, kind of like probation. And new teachers are so lucky because they get to do 2 in their first year! So being a nervous person as it is, it's going to be a very stressful period. I hope it goes well. It's the kids that scare me really. The way they behave can make it more difficult or easier on me. But we'll see how it goes.

Over the past few weeks, I've had this strong desire to teach in another country. I really want to try teaching in Eritrea or Ethiopia even. I want to appreciate the educational spectrum and pedagody and practices of another totally different school system in an entirely different social atmosphere. Once I build my seniority in the TDSB and I get more financially settled, this is definitely something I'm going to do.

For now, I'll just take vacations every summer and add posts to my online travelogue!

GW

Life Long Dream No. 2 - Check

2010-09-05T01:20:00.000-04:00

Life can now begin! I'm moving into my new apartment this weekend! Tomorrow will mark the day I will sleep in my own my own my OWN place. I'm so ecstatic, I can't think about anything else (except for upcoming vacations and my new job).

So far, only the bed and accessories have arrived. I've washed, set-up and put in a few kitchen supplies and the shades for the windows have been put up.

In another month it's going to look more like a home. MY home.

GW

To Fail or To Be Failed

2010-08-12T01:02:00.000-04:00

TW moved out on the first of August which was a Sunday. It was not an easy day. First of all, TW's unwillingness to move out was apparent to me a few days before that day. Here's how I know:

1. He didn't show any enthusiasm when the landlord agreed to rent him the room for $50 less.
2. He didn't call the landlord to tell him he accepts the costs and let him know that he wants to move in.
3. He didn't get the exact address of the place.
4. He didn't pack his belongings

So what happened? On the morning of moving day, he goes to church and stays out all morning and all afternoon. We had no idea what time he was planning to come and we had no way to get in touch with him. After he enjoyed his time, he saunters home at about 2.30pm.

Keep in mind he has not packed yet. It's moving day. And we had the truck till only about 5pm.

So what does this fool do? Starts shoving his things in a box and jamming clothes in suitcases. He had to make a mad dash to pack up like his bottom was on fire. With all the rushing and dashing, I knew he was bound to forget something in the house and just as I predicted, I later found he forgot a few pictures on my bookshelf. Idiot.

What I can't figure out is how do you leave packing to the last hour? This isn't packing to go on vacation with the eventuality of coming back home, this is moving out for good. He didn't even come to any agreement with the landlord. He didn't call to confirm anything with him. As far as the landlord knew, nobody was moving into the place.

In all honesty, I think TW wanted to brush the idea of moving out under the carpet because he didn't want to do it anymore. He didn't want to commit to hsi plans anymore. And he hoped that we wouldn't say anything about it and just let it pass and revert back to him living here as before. Just doing the same thing everyday.

I can't decide whether he has failed himself or he was failed by his society. Who's to blame for his total incompetence at everything?

GW

Money, Money, Money

2010-08-05T15:22:00.000-04:00

Today's horoscope is very insightful.

Thursday, Aug 5th, 2010 -- Your core values around material possessions can strongly impact the decisions you make today. If you have childhood recollections of dissatisfaction, you could be motivated now to accumulate more than you need. If you link the idea of happiness with collecting money or things, you might wonder what you are missing. You can free yourself from your past if you stay focused on the present moment. By Rick Levine

GW

Cold Fish and the Princess

2010-08-03T01:42:00.001-04:00

I just came back from Amy's wedding. It was a western wedding with some Hungarian elements such as the dancing and wedding customs. The banquet hall was nothing uncommon but the food was good. Her brother was the MC and he was great. He seems like a good brother.

I thought that being there was going to make me feel out of place, annoyed and far away. I was only a little annoyed. Amy's mother was her usual self - a cold fish with a stone where her heart should be. Glad I don't have to see her often. She was the source of my annoyance. I didn't care for her little princess either: source of annoyance no. 2.

Normally, weddings remind me of things I don't have, a large family, many brothers and sisters, a big network of friends. Amy's husband's friends were amazing; they all - about 6 of them - flew over here from Hungary to support him and be part of his wedding. How amazing is that?

I think I overcame that usual empty feeling by delighting in the fact that I have reached my own milestones. And remembered the fact that I do have my network of close friends. I don't have a big family but that's okay. Joy doesn't come in numbers, it comes in small packages anyway.

GW

The Middle of Summer

2010-07-31T23:40:00.002-04:00

It's the middle of the summer. After today, there's only one more month left! I know it's going to fly by. I'm a little disappointed that I didn't go anywhere this summer but I'm over the moon about the new developments in my life. And I can't wait for it all to begin!

My next goal is going to be to finish writing my novel! That's a project that's been on and then off again. Is it in the stars for me to finish it? I hope it is.

The Big Idiot

2010-07-29T01:19:00.001-04:00

I feel incredibly hallow inside right now. That feeling brought on by deep guilt. I hate it. It started with discussion of TW and his usual sour and rotten behaviour. Today I found out that he was upset a while ago because of something my mom said to him in the kitchen and another moment where she said that he could leave if he wanted to.

I have conflicted feelings about him. On the one hand, I want to snap him in half like a twig. He's a spoiled, ungrateful, moody, and weak, pathetic excuse for a man. On the other hand, I feel incredible pity for him because he's such a big sad story. He has grown to become so useless to society. He doesn't have any skills of any kind. He has no money. He has no confidence in himself and he carries himself like a dainty women. And perhaps the most saddest of all is he was never given the opportunity to learn good social habits as he was growing up. He grew up making his own rules, living the way he wants and doing what he wants, when he wants and how he wants it. Now, because of this lost opportunity, he has NOTHING in his life. He's not married, he doesn't have an education, and he has no direction in life. I don't have it in me to say to him, "you need to return my money." When you approach him, he acts so helpless, like a frightened deer. You have no choice but to pity him.

He's also an idiot. Let me count the ways...
-he has sloppy table manners (e.g. slirps his drinks whether hot or cold, drops his food on the floor while eating)
-he has problems using silverware like forks and knives
-he's very particular about what he eats (even though he came from the poorest country in the world)
-he eats about 30 servings for each meal
-he's very keen about his physical appearance
-very keen about his physical health - can't handle the slightest of discomfort and will make a case out of nothing usually
-he complains about his working conditions
-talks on the phone after midnight and has pple calling him after midnight (on our house line so that when it rings, everyone is disturbed from their sleep)
-and so on and so on

I'm so sick of him, let me tell you. Fortunately, he's planning to move out, hopefully on the first of August (which is in a couple of days!) He needs to leave because he acts very uncomfortable being here as it is.

Anyway, keeping my fingers crossed.

GW

Life Long Dream No. 1 - Check

2010-07-28T00:52:00.000-04:00

This past school year I did an LTO at a middle school for grade 8 core and science. This year, a permanent position opened up at that same school and I went to the interview yesterday. Today, the principal called to inform me that I got the job! How cool is that? I'm super relieved and super excited. Now I can continue organizing my plans and resources for September with the garantee of knowing where I'll be working for the next year.

And with this new apartment I'm getting, it would be a comfort to have steady and consistent income every month. I could organize my finances a lot easier and not worry too much when I make large purchases. I could save money and maybe even go on vacation next summer.

GW

Closing Date Has A New Meaning

2010-07-27T23:57:00.000-04:00

I didn't mention last week was my birthday. And what did I buy as a treat? A new apartment!

That's right. I was actually on the hunt since May but I finally found the perfect one for the perfect price last week. I signed it off and made arrangments with a broker and the rest is still in process.

I'm looking forward to the closing date in anticipation: August 12. That'll be the day a whole chapter - an entire book, in fact - will be closed and a new one will begin. This will be such a great and much needed change.

I will have the peace that comes with having your own space. The freedom to decorate and furnish it how you please and to keep it orderly the way you want. I won't have to live with someone else's mess and disorganization and funky smells anymore!

I will be the master of my domain, as Seinfeld put it.

GW

Finding Love Without a GPS

2010-07-20T11:54:00.002-04:00

Last night I had a cute dream, at least the first part was cute. I was driving somewhere and I was taking the route to go to Square One when suddenly I realized I was going the wrong way. So I'm looking for an exit on the highway but I can't find one. I keep driving until I exit somewhere I'm not familiar with and I happen to stumble upon a university campus. I enter the rec room where there's a group of friendly people. I spoke to one of the girls and began asking her for directions. I started telling her that I left my GPS at home and that I would've been okay if I had it. She then handed me her blackberry phone which had a GPS system on it. She lent it to me to check the roads and before she went and joined her group, told me to press a button as the GPS works on 5-minute intervals.

As I'm scrolling through her blackberry at a table by myself, and in walk a couple of people who join the group that are already there. They also started talking to me a bit. There's an instant connection between me and one of them. He started to be very friendly and I notice, the more friendly he gets, the more unhappy the GPS girl becomes. She started sulking and not talking much. I put two and two together and figured that she probably liked him.

Anyway, we easily fell for each other but in a genuine way. We walked together through the campus and he showed me a couple of good on-campus social gathering buildings.

Then suddenly, I was faced with an interview with my principal and my vp at the same university building. But this was no ordinary interview. I was competing for a job with a teacher who had 22 yrs of experience. In the office, both me and the other candidate were seated in the office together and asked general questions. Then we were asked to choose a pen colour and with this pen, we must write a composition to explain why we would make a better candidate. We were told we had 18.5 hours to complete this. This only became a problem when the next event happened.

I found that my car was towed from the university parking lot. I was livid. There was no number I could call to try to solve this so it was back to the principal's office to notify her about it. Because the building is so big, I got lost several times trying to get to her office.

Then the scene changed to other convoluted things I can't make sense of now.

GW

This Time Baby I'll Be Bullet Proof

2010-07-05T02:01:00.000-04:00

The great 8 shabang was...over the top to say the least. After the graduation ceremony, we all headed off to a banquet hall for dinner and dance. We had a DJ, dry ice, and a dancing principal. The night was one vodka away from being a prom. It was ridiculously extravagent for a bunch of 13-year-olds. This makes me sound like a prude but let's not forget we're dealing with children here. If we engage them in these activities, what messages are we indirecly sending them? That they're entitled? That they can be indulgent on someone else's buck? Why do people complain then when kids act this way then on a regular basis? Does it make any sense? We foster this environment where they grow up in and then we curse them for it.

Anyway, the last few days of school were filled with a lot of tears. A few of my girls in particular had the water works on days in advance. I was detached fortunately. I learned my lesson from that day when Aziz moved away. I was really emotional that day and the days after weren't any easier seeing an empty chair where he used to sit. Never again, I said so when another student moved away around March, I was fine. I held it together.

I start my ESL AQ tomorrow. I hope it's not intense like last year's course. I also hope the time flies this month. I just want to get it over with and finish my part 2 and move on to part 3.

GW

Deep Impact

2010-06-15T22:19:00.002-04:00

A couple of days ago I had a dream that was a version of Deep Impact. Me and Ruth were together trying to make it to higher elevation but the highest we could find was a hill. And when we did manage to reach this hill, it turned out to be inhabited by a community who were hostile to desparate folks like us who were trying to survive. In the distance we could see the wave coming towards us very slowly. It was black and

looming. It was rather scary. I woke up before the dream could end.

The Gift that Came Back

2010-06-03T21:45:00.003-04:00

On one of those rare good Monday mornings Aziz happened to come down for a visit. I was given a heads up by Maddy on the previous Friday to ask for permission for Aziz to come in but something told me that it wouldn't fly with Maria. Well needless to say, come Monday morning, Maria nor Ian would allow Aziz to stay for a visit. It was a distraction and a liability issue. I can understand. This is after all a school, not a social hangout. So unfortunately he left.

But come after school when all but a few have left, he came by again to my classroom and stayed awhile. He told me about his miserly teachers and administrators. He said that there aren't a lot of sports teams to join and that there aren't a lot of Arabs. He really misses our school. After all, he was here from the beginning.

What upset me terribly was that he told me his teacher assigned him to locally developed grade 9 math course?! What? This kid has no mental disability?! He's a normal kid who just needs to spend a little more time practising his skills. That's all. Applied is what is appropriate for him. What kind of retarded teacher does he have? I was mad as hell when he said this. If only I asked for his home number so that I could speak to his parents about it. What I will do is ask one of his friends to give me his contact and that way I could get in touch with his parents. Because this is not fair. Something needs to happen.

Aside from that atrocity that happened, things are going good with him. He said he doesn't like his neighbourhood much because it's too quiet. Imagine that! He gave me a present before he left, though the real present was seeing him again.

GW

Singing Stars

2010-05-30T21:35:00.003-04:00

On Friday I went to see JB Idol. It was a great show and it seemed that there was a bigger audience this year. It was very nice to see the kids all grown up. Some of the kids from last year's grade 8s were there too, tall and hard to recognize. I was thrilled to see Moses as a contestant. He shined on that stage. He has a voice like Luther. He took second place. Mei took first. But in my eyes, all of them were winners because it takes a lot of confidence to get up and perform in front of people.

Only 22 more days of school. And you can bet I'm counting down. I can't wait for the year to be over. I want to get a start on summer and be done with marking and assessing and evaluating and...the madness needs to stop.

GW

Moving On

2010-05-22T22:37:00.000-04:00

Over the past few weeks, I've taken on a new goal - getting my own place! After checking out a few condo units, I will likely buy something closer to home. I'm familiar with this part of town and everyone I know lives here. I'm super ecstatic about the chance to design and decorate my own home (here I come Bombay) and have the space and privacy to do what I want when I want.

I'm looking forward to this new beginning because it means being a little more independent. It means being more productive because I'll have a lot more space enough to set up an office meaning I don't have to haul heavy books and materials like nomad to my room to use the computer, then go downstairs to set up a make-shift workstation for 20 minutes to grade papers only to be interupted by someone wanting me to cook this or do that, then shuffle over to the living room later at night where it's more comfortable but not at all good for working. My belongings are literally EVERYWHERE. I can go on with this. And my room is something unreal. It is the size of an animal-shelter cage. From the door, you can touch my bed, closet, computer desk and drawer all in one stretch. It's suffocating. It's not possible to work here. There's not enough room. That's why I get so little done on a daily bases. A new place is the perfect arrangment.

GW

The Ick Factor

2010-03-22T22:06:00.002-04:00

I have a pulsating ick factor happening right now. It started from this morning. I think I need to be honest with myself about something. I'm not exactly the person Mo sees me to be, as much as he'd like. And he's not exactly the kind of person I'd be forever happy with even though he appears picture perfect. He's an acquarius and they're the most out of touch people when it comes to matters of the heart. They're not the type who'll indulge in romance too much or utter flatteries to you. Their excitment stems from intelligent discussions and meditation. Romance is last on their list. I'm not writing him off based on what his sign says but because he actually IS this way. I noticed it.

Joel now is someone who's more like me in the romance department. When we're together, we have raging passion. He's incredibly driven by emotion and feelings. He's open about his sexuality in a non-threatening kind of way and he's always eager to just sweep me away. He's like a helium balloon ready to take off into the sky. Unfortunately, we can never be together.

I finally wrote back to Djibril. He had written me way back in the end of Jan. It's now near the end of March. Apparently, his absence was due to his mother being ill. He had to travel to Africa to visit her but eventually, she passed away. He said he thought of me while he was away and he tried emailing me during the time he was there but the letters didn't go through. Hopefully he responds and doesn't get offended by my long silence. I had just been putting it off and before I new it, one day turned to weeks and weeks.

Tristan is the one I really have to connect with again. The poor guy probably thinks I'm the biggest jerk in town. I say I'll call him in a few days, but it usually ends up being months later. I should really call him though and meet up this weekend. Unless Mo wants to come down and see me.

Anyway, I'm trying to let go of my bad feelings about Mo. I feel like it's over before it has even started. What triggered this? It's the fact that I responded to his email yesterday, and I wrote a lovely detailed letter, and he responded with only a few sentences in return. It's the fact that on our date, he put gospel music on in his car. It's that he lives far away like Isaac. And to put the proverbial icing on the cake, his good friend's name is Isaac. It's just all a bad sign, a nagging indication of an impending bad situation.

I'm going to do as Dee had said, keep it open and have my own fun.

GW

I Am A Material Girl

2010-03-20T19:57:00.000-04:00

This week, I've been a material girl, let me tell you. And these are my material things:

1. I got a new blackberry phone (curve, to be exact).
2. During my ortho appt, my ortho filed my teeth to even them out horizontally. They look fabulous!
3. I got a few clothes items for work that are very classy (and cheap!).
4. I got new sofa sets for the living room.
5. After a disappointing start, I finally found 2 pairs of glasses for such a great price and not to mention, one pair was prescription sun-glasses.
6. I got more super magnets and they were on sale for about a quarter of the normal cost!
7. To feed my obsessive compulsive behaviour and my paranoia, I bought a large lock for one of my classroom cabinets to lock in all of my school supplies.
8. And tomorrow, I'll be perming my hair! It's going to be such a relief not having to straighten it every time.

I love March Breaks. I'd love April Breaks too. Doesn't have the same ring to it though, eh?

GW

The Way All Men Should Be

2010-03-17T01:12:00.000-04:00

It's March Break week and I already have nothing to show for it. At least the weather has been unbelievable.

Speaking of unbelievable things, I met someone really great. His name is Mo. Zee introduced us a few weeks ago and we started talking over the phone a bit. Then over the weekend he asked me to go out for dinner for Monday evening. I didn't have high expectations of him or our date but I aimed to make the best of it. As it turned out we had a great time. He is a nice person, very decent and appears trustworthy. In fact, he's celebate and very faithful. I've never dated anyone like him.

We went out today as well. Again, it was such a beautiful day that we had to enjoy it so we went to the lake and walked by the shore.

Mo and I have a lot in common as we discovered, it's almost uncanny. I might even say he's the female version of me. Aside from having the same background, we're both celibate, both have similar ambitions in life, both have similar weaknesses, both uphold similar values, both have never seen our home country but are making plans to go, and equally important, both have a great fashion sense!

As I was with Mo both yesterday and today, my thoughts went to Isaac a few times. For one thing, there were things Mo said that echoed what Isaac used to say to me (let's keep it b/w us for now, don't let me pressure you...maybe these are just generic things guys say). Added to that is both Mo and Isaac live miles away, far enough to make it difficult to see each other every weekend.

Ultimately, I think I'm afraid the same thing may happen to Mo and I and I don't think I could go through that again. I'm also afraid I won't let myself love Mo down the road as much as I did Isaac. I shouldn't think these thoughts but it's the fear that's making me have these thoughts.

He went back to Kitchener this afternoon. He asked to attend a church service with me at my church on one of these weekends. I think that would be nice. It's wishful thinking at this point but since we both had been thinking of travelling back to our home country, we thought of perhaps doing it together this summer since we were planning to go there anyway. That would actually be fabulous to have someone to share the experience with (and get lost in the city with).

PS. We're saving our first kiss too.

GW

Spaghetti and Sleazeball

2010-01-30T18:23:00.001-05:00

The new year is underway and aside from the annual chores that comes with new years, I feel I'm still stuck in 2009. There's nothing new for me yet.

Except that TW has arrived and is living with us. He's going to ESL classes and watching Western movies. Because we're all rather busy, we haven't been able to show him much of Toronto. Perhaps during the March break, we'll go out more.

On the topic of sleazeballs, recall Courtney who has been constantly hitting on me and prowling for a date. Well, about 2 weeks ago, I found out he is MARRIED. It happened by accident. Lee had been trying to set up a date for us to go out for dinner; me, her, Daisy, and Courtney. But 2 weeks ago, she threw in another person - Sandy. She referred to her as Courtney's "partner". To add to the mess, she told me Sandy knows about me.

His WIFE knows about me?

Needless to say, I got out of our group date (which was yesterday - Friday) and swiftly went home instead. I talked to Dee and Candice about it and they say that Courtney and Sandy are probably swingers or they're involved in something just as slimy as that.

When I think about all those times that Courtney pressed me for a date, flattered me, gave me little notes and gifts, I think, "Does he have no morals?" Had I known he was married I wouldn't have allowed him to be too friendly with me. Ironically, he has stopped swinging by my class and talking with me in stair-wells or halls now. Thank god.

GW

Good-Bye Sunshine

2009-11-26T23:20:00.000-05:00

Aziz moved away today.

Earlier he had told me he was moving in Feb but as it turned out, he moved a little earlier than that. It was today. I had known for at least a week but it was only yesterday that it hit me like a brick. All day today I had a sinking feeling in my stomach. I wasn't quite prepared for him to leave.

Quickly this morning, I made him a card and got the class to write a note for him throughout the day. In the afternoon, he left for a trip so when he returned by the end of the school day, I gave him the card and a movie I thought he might like, as well as his birthday bookmark. Ms. Nic, who knew him since he was in grade 6, made him a banana cake. She adores him too. She had also taught his two brothers before Aziz.

I'm probably prolonging the hurt by doing this but throughout the day, I also took pictures of the class where he was in some of them. I want to post these pictures in the class bulliten and perhaps contribute them to the grade 8 year book.

I can't even express into words the anguish I felt of realizing that he was going and that there will be an empty seat from now on. I didn't realize that I got attached to him so much over these past few weeks. A few weeks! It's only been about 8 weeks since I started teaching here but it feels like half a year.

I know I said this before but Aziz is one in a million. He has the biggest heart and the deepest soul. He is a truly rare human being. I pray that the next teacher who is lucky to have him appreciates him and takes care of him and nurtures this quality in him. I hope that he stays on the right path and he doesn't meet any negative people or at the very least, let them influence him. I want him to succeed and be all that he is.

This is truly one of the hardest moments in teaching. You make these unexpected connections with kids and you realize this when you start to cry when they leave or get transfered. As in my case - as soon as the school day was over and I finished dealing with other teachers and kids, I found a moment to myself and started to break down. I couldn't hold it anymore. And felt like something was pulling at my heart-strings. And again when I mentioned it to Vick that Aziz left, I got teary. I just miss him. He was like a sunshine in my room. He brought a dynamic to the class that reached out to every corner. He was in a class of his own.

I'm going to be looking out for him in the future because he is destined for great things. I pray that I am fortunate and lucky enough to meet more Azizes in this world. They make life better and happier.

Here's a bizaare dream I had last night. I was in some place - it looked like a building. I was there with Ben and we were both leaving together, all the while, saying so long to some aquaintances. Then, for a moment Ben went off to say hello to a group of women. He was within ear shot so I heard him talking about me, "Yeah, that's my girlfriend. She's a teacher. But she's a teacher for the teachers." At the time, I remember thinking, "Oh, my gosh. Why did he tell them that?" And then the second thought was "That's such a lie about me being a teacher for the teachers." But in the dream, I was thinking he must have done that to give the impression that there's a distance between he and I. That somehow it was okay.

GW

Kelsey's Story

2009-11-26T21:36:00.002-05:00

Looks like I had a moment there in the previous blog post below. I was having a bad day. It was when I discovered that one of my kids had had a terrible history growing up. Her early years went by without her parents who left her behind in Africa and left to Canada. Only when she did reunite with them, her father passed away shortly after. Thereafter, her mom remarried and uprooted her from Canada and took her back to southern Africa for a few years where the language of study in the school there was the local language of the region. Then she and her family moved back to Canada a few years after that. The many upheavals in her life has impacted her socially and academically. She had a psych report done in 06 I believe that indicates that to some degree, the experiences in her life is still affecting her.

And to add to all the disruption in her life, it was decided that she would transfer to another class specializing in kids like her. I wish somebody did their job and found out that she had a learning problem and put her in the correct class from day one. That way, we wouldn't have the issue of already developing connections and attachments. And while I'm playing the blame game, I wish her mother had the common sense and heart to raise a child right. Why would you have a child and then swing them around like a ball on a string? Why destroy the very foundation that will define who they are and who they grow up to be? I cannot understand it.

This girl is a beautiful soul. She is a hard-worker and quiet as a mouse. She has a keen way of identifying with characters or people that she reads about. In her biography assignment (which was on William Shakespeare), she pointed out that she didn't like Shakespeare for one thing - it's that he left his family without telling them where he had gone to. This tore me up. She identified with this experience and expressed her feelings about it.

I had a hard time swallowing all this in the beginning. But what makes this a little bearable is that I see her often and I'm still her science teacher at he very least, even if I'm no longer her core teacher. I'm also happy that she is in a class where the teacher is, I'm told, very great. She needs somebody great. Because she herself is great.

I miss my girl.

GW

Teaching Middle School Bites

2009-11-14T18:55:00.002-05:00

That sentiment has always been there since the beginning of January 2006. It was there when I graduated from teacher's college and it's still there now.

I hate having to implement all these new initiatives ON TOP of what we already have to do which is beyond a full plate already. When you try to do too much all at once, you're really not going to produce anything effective.

I truly hate the kids that were born here and take for granted this life of luxury. I also hate the kids that immigrated here and have turned footloose as a result of experiencing all the freedoms Canada and our school boards have to offer. Their life of hardship and fear that they once lead is quickly forgotten and replaced instead with entitlement and arrogance. And I hate the parents who bring children into this world only to destroy them.

Most of all, I hate having to "teach" a class of 30. Teaching isn't a good word for what we do to be quite honest. Maybe mentoring, entertaining, being a friend, counselling, care-giving - some would even go as far to say as glorified baby-sitting. In any case, it's not teaching. It's "keeping them busy for 10 months of the year". And 30 is just an average. I have been in classes where there were 40 kids in one classroom. Insane? Not if you're a board admin.

And finally, I hate what the school boards have become - weak, ineffectual, and soft. Where is the authority that teachers and schools once had? What factors contributed to it becoming diminished? As it is, teachers have as much authority as a pinata does among a group of bat-wielding kids. Is it any wonder why kids today are in the state they're in in terms of their academic performance? Why should they do their homework or projects? Why should they study? What's the teacher going to do? Give them an IEP? Call their parents who are just as unable to help?

The Canadian education system is a disaster. We are ranked the lowest of the low in world stats. We have an IEP for every child or at the very least, a label. Their literacy and numeracy skills is in the toilet because our schedule is filled with so much crap that by the time you actually DO get to teach them something it's only for a total of maybe 20 minutes.

It's hard to say what's in store for me regarding this job come next September but I'm not going to lie, I hope the teacher I'm covering for comes back so I can leave and pursue something else. It's making me feel hopeless and defeated.

It's going to be a long dreadful year.

GW

The High Road

2009-11-08T14:11:00.001-05:00

On Wednesday evening of this week, I stopped off at Walmart to pick up some supplies for a science experiment that I was going to do for my science classes the next day. I needed dry yeast, balloons, and food colouring. I got them all but inadvertently picked something else up - the acquaintance of my ex-boyfriend.

It happened a few steps away from the entrance of the store. I hadn't yet picked up my blue basket when I suddenly heard my name being called from the right. I turned to look and chills immediately ran down my back. This was the person who had turned into a semi-stalker years ago, who had hounded me through the phone a 100 times a day which was the reason why I had to change my number, and who had borrowed $400 from me and never returned it. I had only a split second to sock him in the eye with the blue basket or take the high road, square my shoulders and say hello.

I took the high road. We chatted a bit and he danced around the question he wanted to ask me: can we get together again? What he asked was, do you have time for coffee? I said no and soon after he asked what my situation was in terms of relationships. To avoid having a battle with him about going out with me again, I told him I was married. When I told him that, he stiffened up and the perkiness in him dissipated. He said that it should have been him who married me. I asked about his situation but as I suspected, he wasn't with anyone. No good woman would go out with him or stay with him for long. However, he did say that he has a son now from his ex-girlfriend from 3 years ago. Apparently, he had to go through some legal battle with her about having shared custody of the child.

Listening to the way his life has unfolded and watching the way he continues to walk with a limp from a knee injury made me feel rather sorry for him. Nothing has changed with him. Nothing has gotten better. He's got nothing to show for all these years that have passed. What a waste.

He walked me to the checkout and offered to pay for my items, and then walked me to my car. Before we parted, he wished me a good happy life and hoped that it will work out for me. He didn't ask for my contact info or if we could keep in touch. We said good-bye, I got into my car and drove away.

Joanne's Love Story

2009-10-28T20:46:00.001-04:00

This is how Joanne, the special ed teacher met her husband...

About 9 years ago, she went on a 2-week tour with a tour group to the southwestern states of the US. There she met Neal (not his real name, I forgot his real name) who was coming from Australia. He was only there for the first week of the tour though because he wanted to visit his sister who was living in one of the cities they were touring. Joanne and Neal exchanged numbers and before he left for Australia, he called her on the phone and told her he'd call once he arrived back home. At first, Joanne wasn't sure how far this would go and wasn't sure if it would even work out but sure enough he called and they kept in touch. About a year later, he got a work visa while he was just shy of 30, to come to work in Canada. At that point they were able to spend more time with each other. After that, they got engaged and eventually married. Incidentally, about a week ago, her husband officially became a Canadian citizen.

GW

Lunch Date

2009-10-27T20:58:00.000-04:00

There's a grade 7 teacher at our school who is also named Courtney. And as my luck goes, he started hitting on me after seeing me a couple of times in the school. I am happy to share lunch dates with him while at school and maybe a walk during duty times but that's about it. The last thing I want is to screw up a good thing (my job) by having a relationship with someone I work with. To add to that, it would make matters quite awkward if we had a fallout. We couldn't think objectively. We would be too busy finding ways to avoid each other.

GW

Vick's Love Story

2009-10-27T20:37:00.002-04:00

Vick, who's the girl's gym teacher at our school, told me about how she met her husband of 3 years...

Before meeting Gus (her husband), Vick was going through one bad relationship after another and Steve, another teacher at our school, was aware of this. While Vick was dating these men, Steve had in mind a man for her and often told her so. One day, Vick took up Steve's offer to meet Gus. They had their first date at a restaurant and Vick recalls how standoffish she was during their date. This was because by this point, she was a little tired of men and wasn't hopeful about Gus. Also, before Gus, Vick was often overly nice to her boyfriends and was beginning to realize that men didn't like that and rather found it a desparate attempt on her part to get married. She later learned that Gus found her standoffishness a turn-on. Well, as it turned out, the two hit it off and one date led to another and then finally to marriage. She is now expecting her first child due sometime in February.

GW

Week 5

2009-10-21T21:32:00.002-04:00

This blog is turning out to be the chronicles of my teaching experience. I'm not keeping up with the updates though. Well, I'm into my 5th week, I just realized that right now. It feels as though I'm still in my 3rd week. Things are starting to fall into place and I'm starting to see things from a better perspective.

I have to say, my class drives me up the wall with their constant interruption of me when I'm speaking. I have to come up with a system where they can monitor their own behaviour instead of me always reminding them to be quiet. I also don't like that they ask me to use the washroom, take a drink, go to the lockers, 100 times a day. There are times where for one period straight, there is a constant flow of students coming and going from the classroom for various things.

One of my favourite things about my class is Aziz. He is truly a gift from God. I've met very very few kids like him who have a heart of gold. He is the type of child who is very intuitive and has a heightened sense of how another human being feels. He is the type who will truly give of himself to help another person. At school, we have a door-decorating contest for Halloween and I asked the kids to bring in decoration - Aziz brought in items the very next day. When I stand and wait for the class to be quiet, he is the one who is proactive and tells everyone to listen to the teacher. If there was a drowning boy in a lake in the middle of winter, Aziz wouldn't be the one dialing 911 or calling for help, he would be the one to jump into the frigid waters to pull the boy out.

People like Aziz are one in a million. Today after school, I had a math-help session with a few students and Aziz was one of them. After we finished, however, Aziz stayed behind to start decorating the door. Whereas most kids would want to leave school the first opportunity they get, Aziz stayed behind to contribute to the school spirit.

I don't know what I'm going to do without him in February when he moves to his new school. I asked him if he wants to continue his education and graduate at this school with the rest of his friends but he opted to go to his new school because he said the transition to grade 9 would be easier in terms of making friends. What a bright cookie he is. It's going to be a sad day for all of us the day he leaves because Aziz is loved by everybody. He is just a wonderful beautiful human being and I know he will grow up to do great things in his life.

As Halloween is coming up, my kids are very excited about all the events taking place at our school so nearer the day, I'll take pictures of my crazies and post them here.

GW

In For the Long Haul

2009-10-11T23:12:00.002-04:00

My LTO officially starts on Tuesday. I'm so happy about this. I feel especially lucky because I have an awesome sweet class. They are a very friendly and caring group of kids. There are still the little personality clashes but for the most part they are gentle and they don't make fun of each other.

The other thing I love about my class is that they are so diverse. I have students from Cuba, Albania, Serbia, Sri Lanka, Lebanon, Sudan, Romania, Jamaica, Korea, and the list goes on. I want to tie this aspect into a unit later down the year.

I'm confident this job will last until June as Joanne assured me. Ms. Handy is on mat leave right now and isn't quite in a position to come back. I hoping and praying she doesn't come back in September as well and that this position is open as a permanent position and they give it to me! If it does turn into a permanent, I know I will get the job. I fit with the dynamic of the school and I just love being there. But I won't hold my breath.

The second week has been great - much much better than the first. I moved into my new room on Monday and from there, things started falling into place. I still have to put paper on the new bulletin boards that I have and today I bought a few baskets for an IN and OUT box. I'm armed with math resources and stickers now. But I am nowhere near where I need to be in terms of planning.

For example, I still have to

1. read on and prepare IEPs for two of my core kids and a few of my science rotary kids
2. catch up on my reflections relating with student anecdotes
3. read the MYP binder and gather more ideas about how to gear my teachings according to it
4. create a science plan for term one
5. learn the report card program
6. get a school library card
7. get a few remaining office supplies
8. create a math plan for term one
9. create a literacy plan for Iqbal: A Novel
10. establish deadlines for Biography, History, and Science assignments.

...I'm going to stop there for now, even though there are a lot more things to do.

One thing I have to mention is Hans has made such progress from the first week I was here. He's subdued and less talkative and less loud. I'm happy about the progress but he isn't where he should be yet. He still requires constant supervision in order for him to actually do the work.

One step at a time.

GW

Class of 8B

2009-09-30T22:03:00.002-04:00

The LTO I spoke about earlier is mine - although officially it won't be mine until I serve 10 days. The admin seems to think positively of me, on account of the raving reviews I got from Courtney. You were "highly-recommended" is their catch phrase for me. I'm glad but I'm concerned that they may have a deviated picture of me - I think they think I'm some wonder-woman who can create razzle-dazzle in the classroom. But I'm not an entertainer - I'm a diligent, hard-working teacher. And I'll go over and beyond for my kids.

So, anyway, how is the new job going? Let's see...I work from 7.45 am to 8.30 pm straight, I have zero resources for my kids, 5 hrs of sleeping time maximum, the kids are starting to irritate me, I don't know what the hell I'm doing, and I'm constipated. The past few days have been bru-tal. Today I wondered if I bit off more than I can chew and seriously considered backing away from this job.

But then I thought, it's only been my third day. It's always hard the first couple of weeks. After a while, I'll get into the swing of things. Sure I'll make mistakes here and there, I'll annoy a lot of teacher's by asking them too many questions or borrowing their resources frequently, get black-listed by kids who decide they don't like me, and maybe I may fall down the stairs occasionally, but in the end, I'll be a better and more seasoned person. I'll no longer be a rookie.

I planned to write reflections about my students' behaviour and any anecdotal references that would be useful for parent-teacher conferences, when discussing students with the principal or vp, or just for my own record keeping, but I literally have no time to do so. It's 9.53 pm as we speak. I only got home 45 min. ago. I still haven't eaten or got myself organized for tomorrow or typed out what I had planned to do for tomorrow.

I wish I can give more details as to what else has been going on but it'll have to wait until the weekend.

GW

Al Green

2009-09-27T22:06:00.000-04:00

I'm loving Al Green's music right now. One of my favourites is "I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry". Here are the lyrics:

Did you hear that lonesome whippoorwill
He sounds too good to fly
The midnight train whining low
I'm so lonesome I could cry, cry

Did you ever seen a night so long
When time goes crawling by
The moon just went behind a cloud
And I'm so lonesome that I feel I could cry, I could cry

Did you see, ever see a robin weep
When leaves begin to die?
Like me he's lost the will to live
And I'm so lonesome I could cry
[Incomprehensible] I could cry

The silence of a falling star
Lights up a purple sky
And as I wonder, wonder where you are
I'm so lonesome I could cry, cry, I could cry

And as I wonder, wonder where you are
I'm so lonesome I could cry
If you let me, oh no
[Incomprehensible]
I wonder where you are
I'm so lonesome I could cry
It seems to me
I'm so lonesome I could cry
I could cry, I could cry

GW

An Opportunity

2009-09-27T22:04:00.000-04:00

So where does my confidence lie? I suppose it lies in my capabilities in my job. I know I do my job well, I may not be perfect but I'm committed and will go the distance every time. The returns are 10-fold when I see the looks of the students that I supply teach brighten when they see me or when I hear comments like, "Miss. Grace, you're a great teacher". That knowledge gives me confidence.

If I had a boyfriend/husband, I know I would also find confidence and strength through him. I would feel supported and that emotionally, I'd be stronger when dealing with stressful situations.

I could sure use a boyfriend right now. I'm nervous as hell. I'm starting a potential LTO tomorrow. It's starting off as just supply teaching for 2 weeks straight but on the 11th day it'll turn into an LTO but whether I get the LTO all hinges on the critical fact that the VP and principal like me and the job I do and if they feel I suit the school. Otherwise, at the end of that 2-week period or 1-week even, they can decide to choose somebody else for the job. And legally, they have to interview at least 5 people before deciding on one. Although I do have a leg up on all those interviewees as they will have seen my work, it could go either way. It's a possibility that they could like somebody else.

This is how I came to get this opportunity. Courtney told me about it and said that an LTO teacher is needed who could teach Gr. 8 Science and core subjects at another school. I told him I'm all for it so he asked for my resume and he passed it off to the VP of that school who had requested for a teacher. Then the following evening, I got a call from the VP to ask if I'm interested and that I can start on Monday. He also said to arrange for my other supply teaching assignments at the other schools to be canceled so that I can work at this school for the rest of the week.

I'm confident that he'll like my work ethic. I think after I get through the first day, I'll be just fine. I think this is just first-day nerves.

This evening I took a walk down Port Union by Lake Ontario. What a gorgeous little site it is. The spot where the big rocks are is my favourite. During the day when the sky is blue and the horizon is clear, you could sit on the rocks for hours. It's quite peaceful and serene. I'd like to go back there during the day. This evening was nice too but there aren't many lights to brighten the place. Also, the water was a bit foggy. You couldn't see far out into the lake.

I know who would absolutely love this spot - Tristan. I ought to show him this place.

GW

Chin Up

2009-09-25T16:38:00.000-04:00

As I was driving home today, I wondered about something. Some people are teeming with confidence whereas others have absolutely none. For those that do have a lot of confidence, where does that confidence come from? What is the source? Are they just born with it?

I've read (in an article that discussed the pros of high-heeled shoes) that woman can get a boost of confidence just by wearing high-heeled shoes. Their back is straighter and their posture is more solid.

I noticed also some people, men or women, find their source of confidence in a partner; a boyfriend, husband, life partner. Knowing that they aren't facing the world on their own makes them more confident.

Some get it from their sense of independence. This would apply to those that just left their nest and are beginning to make their own decisions, rules and flesh out a map for their life.

Those who have had an admirable number of years of education accompanied by degrees would probably find confidence in their own aptitude, accomplishments and their status gained through education.

Men and women who work hard to be physically fit find their source of confidence in their physical appearance. Knowing that the image they present to the world is a beautiful one gives them that confidence.

Where does my confidence lie? I'll have to think about that one and get back to you.

GW

It Beads Me

2009-09-22T19:21:00.002-04:00

I changed my blog template once again. The other template had glitches unfortunately. And I really liked that old design with the scrappy pictures and notebook.

Yesterday I had a serious writer's block. I didn't feel like writing nor did I know what to write about. I hate those days. It's like the light in my mind was switched off.

I met a woman last school year at JB who creates jewelry as a part-time gig to sustain her during times she didn't have much work as her line of work is sporadic. I wondered if she made any money in it - the items didn't look that great. I didn't want to ask. And then a few days ago, I browsed through Walmart and I realized why some people make jewellery. There were rows and rows of beautiful beads, charms and other trinkets that you can coordinate to create your designs. The beauty of it all wasn't so much making big money, although that would be nice, but rather, the joy of creating a piece of art. The possibilities of what you can design are endless. I was so tempted to pick up a few items but I don't even have the basic know-how of creating jewellery so I opted to learn the basics first and then try my hand at it.

I talked to Tristan last night. I can't even explain my feelings for him. In so many ways, he's just like Justin, except in some areas, Tristan might even be worse. He's extremely shy, lives with his parents, doesn't appear to have particular goals at the moment, he's slow to act on things (he didn't sign on to facebook yet, or has commented on my site) and if it matters, I think he's a virgin. He's not the type to fool around with girls. Should that be a good thing?

But there isn't a doubt, he's got that something. He's got such depth to his soul, I can't explain it. He always wants to know more about the person he talks with, always asks the right questions, always ponders about profound matters, always says your name before he says good-bye.

Oh I need help.

GW

At JB

2009-09-20T21:28:00.001-04:00

I taught 2 days so far at Joseph Brant. It's been great so far. The grade 8s have matured a bit, except for a few: Shomar, Shaniya, Jamila, Chris and some others I can't recall. But they are all largely good kids.

I've added a countdown timer to count down the days left until I visit Eritrea. At that point I'm going to start a travel blog.

Today's entry is going to be a short one.

GW

Julie's Story

2009-09-16T21:19:00.005-04:00

Yesterday was my first day of supply teaching! And what a relief it was! It was a fantastic day. I had a student teacher from York University, Julie, in the class. She's a wonderful person, I can't say enough great things about her. She has such a warm, down-to-earth personality. And she's had a ton of international experience teaching and travelling. She got to explore different countries, meet a lot of different people, and learn a lot about the different education systems out there. I was floored when she talked about all the places she's been to (South Korea, Costa Rica, parts of Africa, India, Sri Lanka, Taiwan, Japan, China, Indonesia... and the list goes on!) And she's only 31.

She had a lot of things to tell but alas, there are only so many hours in the day. She talked about how different the culture is in South Korea from that of Canada where the people there are more rigid, abrasive, and how they take criticism as attacks to their personality. They are closed minded, for lack of a better word. The children there are also heavily pushed academically and with extra-curricular activities. For example, after a grueling series of academic classes, children are shuffled off to ballet classes, music classes, ti-kwon-doe classes and the like. Parents want their children to be well-rounded. The downside to this though is that children have no down time at all for themselves. They are always working, studying, practicing or doing something. Every minute of every day is accounted for. Julie said that the kids don't even have time to eat properly. She often sees them on the bus quickly eating street food on their way to their next violin practice. It seems that family together time is of little priority. When Julie told me that Korea has the second highest suicide rate, second to Japan, I wasn't surprised. The youths there are pushed way too much to excel and it's impeding other areas of development such as learning how to cope, learning how to socialize, learning how to accept failure and then get back on their feet.

Something very shocking that Julie also noted was that Koreans condone plastic surgery. The majority of them have done some kind of minor work on their faces or bodies. The most common procedure is eye surgery. Koreans wish to have eye lids like those of non-Asian decent. In fact, one of her students in elementary school was encouraged by her mother to get her eyes done!

Koreans also don't honour contracts. In Canada, what's written in a contract is binding. In fact, when a disagreement occurs, the contract is the police, lawyer, and judge. But in Korea, managers only volunteer to adhere to the articles of the contract, he's not obligated to honour the contract. That's dangerous. And fraudulent.

I asked her about Sri Lanka. She said she liked it and enjoyed experiencing the lifestyle. She said it was a little scary as she faced men with machine guns at every check point checking documentation and asking questions.

She didn't like India that much and she said she may not return as a tourist but perhaps as someone who will help out the society of the poor. She didn't like the extreme and violent poverty that exists there. The most devastating of all, children, even babies are kidnapped, held captive and taken to the streets to beg for money. The kidnappers of course take what the children collect. It was very hard to hear this.

She said she would like to teach abroad again but would like to see what opportunities come up for her here in Toronto first. I will definitely keep in contact with her.

The grade 6 students at Morrish this year were so fantastic. I love them. It's still a big class (37 students!) but they are a sweet bunch of kids. They are respectful, cooperative, and so pleasant as children. To get them to be quiet, all I have to do is say shhhhh and a blanket of silence will gradually settle over them. It's wonderful. I hope I return real soon!

GW

The Cold Shoulder

2009-09-14T18:45:00.004-04:00

Earlier I mentioned that Justin and I got into a fight. To recap, he pledged to accompany me to my friend's wedding a few Sundays ago. We even shopped for new outfits together for it. Well, Sunday rolls around and I still don't hear from him.

When does he call? Midnight. I was mad as hell. I refused to talk to him for two weeks although he consistently called me every night to try to talk.

Finally he wrote me an email msg filled with the most confusing metaphors and allusions. By the time I finished reading, I'd hoped it would all make sense to me like a puzzle but it didn't. I was confused and pissed because I only understood one line throughout the meaningless drivel in which he apologized for not attending the wedding with me. I thought, gee thanks for that one line.

Anyway, I emailed him back and explained that he has a problem with being passive. I told him that he's not good at solving problems at all when it comes to friends and that he'd rather hide like a scared turtle until he feels its safe to come out into the world. That way, he doesn't have to confront the problem and by then the problem will have "went away". Obviously that's not how the world works.

Well, the end of the story is that we're talking but I don't think he's going to change anytime soon. He's pretty stuck in his passive ways. He doesn't take much charge of his life or make any contributions to the world. He's the type that waits for things to happen or hopes someone else will take care of it. He can be a huge disappointment at times. I seriously doubt he'll ever get married. I think he's going to follow in his older brother's footsteps and live at home with his parents for the rest of his life.

GW

Vintage Rings

2009-09-12T22:27:00.007-04:00

Yesterday I was on the hunt for vintage rings that resemble the one I have but these are the closest ones I could find.

I love this one with the black ribbon circling the middle. And the band has interesting detail.

This one is a bit plain but very classy and understated. I like that the diamonds run along the band as well.

This one is my favourite. It resembles mine the most. I love that the diamond clusters are small and they are encased in the metal which acts as a border. I love that it looks like a flower. And I love how there is a space between the centre diamond and the clusters - they're not all melded together. When it's like this, they show their individual beauty.

How unique to pair a pearl and diamonds in a ring. But it looks dazzling. The pearl almost looks like a big diamond. The pearl in the middle seems to signify purity and chastity to me.

I think this one looks very vintage.

This one is a show-stopper. Very unique and ornate. But I don't like the way the band splits when it nears the front (just like the previous ring) although it suits this ring perfectly. I'm not a fan of this style of band.

This one has to be my second favourite. It has more diamonds than mine and the centre diamond is larger than the rest. I think this is an Edwardian style ring. Again, this one looks like a flower, which I love.

This one is gorgeous. The picture is a bit small but you can see the simplicity of the band and the ornate setting of the stone clusters.

This one is called diamond daisy. So pretty. This one looks a lot like mine. It has almost the same number of diamonds on the outside.

What I love about all these rings is that they are so feminine. They are perfect for anybody who wants to complement their hands and fingers. They're not for the modern chick. I would love to buy these rings but unfortunately, jewelry shops today mostly hold modern or tacky jewelry, not so much special rings from different eras. For now, I'll just admire these pictures and the one vintage diamond ring I have. I'll have to take a picture of it and post it here.

GW

A Woman's Worth

2009-09-09T22:08:00.004-04:00

A conversation I had with Courtney gave me a deeper understanding into his values and his perspective on life. First of all, he's very sexually active - makes me wonder if he is at all concerned about contracting anything or whether he gets tested regularly. Well, we got to talking about sex and he tells me that he won't marry a woman unless he knows how she is in bed - to quote him, "You won't buy the ride unless you've taken a test drive".

Hm. I didn't know where to begin to debate this one. This can't be the mentality of all men. It can't be.

Maybe it's just different for women. There's more at stake for us. In addition to STDs there's accidental pregnancy. How do you fix that without any moral repercussions? You can't.

Going back to what Courtney said - it's attitudes like that that push naive women to give in to a man and not think of the consequences; women who have no self-control; women who are insecure. Sadly, this will always be the case. Some women will never have been taught their worth growing up, and as adults, will never know their own worth.

Losing a man over sex doesn't phase me one bit. Him, I can get back. If I lose me, I'm gone for good.

GW

What's Mine Is Yours

2009-09-09T21:47:00.001-04:00

A few days ago, I handed my boss a document and said to him, "This might be really good to use for our upcoming math contest". He started leafing through it and looking at the questions and said some things.

Then he says, "Hmm, you know, we could use this for our math contest".

No, really? Because that's NOT what I just said.

GW

Forgive...Sometimes

2009-09-08T21:43:00.001-04:00

The following dialogue brooches the topic of forgiveness which I found to be very beautiful. It's from Diaries of a Mad Black Woman.

Mytle: You know I know this man put a hurtin' on you baby, but you've got to forgive him. No matter what he done, you've got to forgive him - not for him, but for you.

Helen: Forgive him for me?

Myrtle: When some body hurts you they take power over you, if you don't forgive them then they keeps the power. Forgive him baby and after you forgive him, forgive youreself.

For a long time, I didn't understand what Myrtle meant that they "take power over you". I considered forgiving a person, especially if they don't deserve it, as condoning what they did and denying that person's responsibility of hurting you.

I get it now. Although it might be more accurate to say that the feelings of hurt the person causes you takes power over you - not necessarily the person himself but rather the hurt and the resentment that they cause. For example, a person who betrays you might cripple your ability to trust (if you let it) or a man who turns his back on you might make you resent all men in the future (again, if you let it). Forgiving the person really means letting go of that particular situation and preventing it from interfering with your other relationships and interactions. You don't have to continue to have them in your life - just forgive them, let go of the grudge and move on.

It's so much easier said than done I can tell you that. In my case for example, I could never forgive the woman I share a house with. How do you forgive someone who from the moment you were born reminds you that they hate being a mother? Who never once uttered the words, "You did a great job" and instead chose to be a bitter, spiteful, nagging, rude, unappreciative, miserable, belly-acher, critical, make-you-want-to-kill-yourself kind of a bitch? How do you forgive that? You can't. If there was one exception to the "forgive" rule, it's this one. You can't forgive a failure of a mother.

GW

(Still) To Do

2009-09-04T12:04:00.001-04:00

The following are the tasks I've completed (or will complete by the end of Saturday). I won't be doing certain things I wrote below so in the next few days, I'll have a new to do list for the rest of 2009.

1. purchase select eritrean movies
2. write out the 2 love stories
3. review resume and begin to fill in LTO forms and apply for LTOs
~~4. write and send letter to QECO~~
~~5. review SFE~~
6. organize basement bookshelf
~~7. buy a dress for Sancha's wedding~~
8. book dental appt for some time in October
~~9. finish collecting resources from the summer AQ course~~
10. see the doctor about skin
~~11. shopping for clothes~~
12. buy a new computer system
~~13. start a photo blog~~ photo site
14. find an organization system for my shoes
15. draw up a business plan
16. make a list of requirements for MEd.
~~17. type out TDSB interview questions~~

GW

Funky Chicks

2009-09-03T23:54:00.003-04:00

I changed the html of my blog. Although everything looks nice, I don't like that the dashboard is missing. This means I have to constantly open a new page to access the dashboard to simply make a new post entry. Looks nice though.

GW

You're Beautiful

2009-09-03T02:32:00.009-04:00

I had a beautiful night today with Tristan. We went to main street, just off of highway 7. There is this quaint little town there that's so unlike the rest of the city. It's delightfully European. You feel like you've stepped onto the streets of Paris. I loved it. He took me to a secluded area by the pond. We sat on the steps and gazed up at the moon and Jupiter (there weren't that many stars in the sky) drinking our star bucks hot chocolate. It was a chilly night so it was just what we needed. Sitting on the stones, we talked about the magnitude of human capability to achieve extraordinary things and what's the come. We wondered if science will ever reach the point where we will discover God and where he lies. Man has come this far so it's a possibility. We talked about his old home by the waters up north and how much he missed being so close to nature and the peaceful environment. We talked about his parents' separation last year and how his dad is not taking it very well. We talked about his future and if he'll find a career after finishing his MFA that he truly loves.

He's so unlike the other men I've been with. Over dinner, he told me that he takes after his mom in the way she is soft-hearted and gentle. Tristan is incredibly gentle and sweet. We didn't kiss tonight or let our sexual energy take control. Tonight he gave me something more; he gave me his heart.

While we were walking towards the pond, my shoe started hurting me so he took off his shoes and gave them to me to wear while he walked without shoes, only his socks, over gravel, pavement and wet grass. He carried my shoes in one hand and his hot chocolate in the other. Could I have asked for more? On our way back, I suffered with him and endured the journey without shoes too.

Today I got to thinking, Tristan is the type of person you can love for his soul, for his strengths and his weaknesses, for his positive traits and his flaws. You can love him if he was a CEO or coffee guy, a successful businessman or a starving artist. He's so human. You can love him no matter what b/c when you see him you'll only see his beautiful human spirit.

I'm so close to the edge with him right now, if he pushes me I'm going to fall.
GW

Character Flaw

2009-09-01T22:50:00.003-04:00

It’s been nearly a week since J and I spoke. He called me a few times and texted me this: I miss you sooooo much. He probably figures that I’m very upset with him but the truth is, the issue is between him and himself. It’s beyond my disappointment with him. The fact of the matter is, he has a childish way of dealing with situations that make him feel uncomfortable or that he doesn’t want to deal with – essentially he ignores them and hopes they disappear. Children do that; they hide under their covers and hope the monsters go away by the time they pull themselves out of their covers again. But we’re not children anymore. We’re adults and our problems aren’t going to go away simply by hiding under the covers. We have to confront them, deal with them and reject fears of disappointing or upsetting others – in other words, utilize our problem-solving skills.

I’m not upset with him for letting me down and not coming through the night I needed him, but rather making me believe I can count on him. He didn’t bother to call me to let me know about our plan; he didn’t give me the chance to ask somebody else to go with me. He just ignored me and hoped I would disappear along with my reliance on him for that night. I guess he got what he wanted. I have disappeared from his life.

GW

You Lookin’ at Me?

2009-09-01T22:50:00.002-04:00

Out of the blue yesterday, I suddenly recalled a memory of Tristan. A couple of times in the class that we shared, I caught him looking at me. I thought it was the cutest thing. I remember thinking someone like him couldn’t possibly be interested in me. He was so good-looking. However, I don’t remember having significant interest in him even with the possibility of him being interested in me. I suppose since it was my last year of school, my thoughts were always consumed with other things such as teacher’s college and perhaps I was already dating someone at the time. I probably also doomed myself into thinking he would never date me. Whatever it was, I know I didn’t give myself the chance to have strong feelings for him. It’s nice to recall this memory of him though.

GW

Take the Good with the Bad

2009-08-30T21:46:00.004-04:00

Justin completely disappointed me today. He didn't call or try to contact me and try to explain when or if he'll go with me to my friend's wedding. I'm sad I didn't get the chance to see Sancha and share with her her special moment. I'll send her my blessings through a card. She may not be here to hear it but I wish her everlasting happiness.

For every bad, there is a good and for me, both happened on the same day. This evening, Tristan called me and apologized about not being able to get together with me. He said he's very tired from last night's wedding he went to. It's just as well anyway, today wasn't a good day for me to go out. He sounds different from what I remember but strangely familiar. He has a cute way of stopping to let me speak every time I accidentally interrupt him, very much unlike Shanil who would interrupt me at every opportunity and always before I finish my sentence. He was always in a rush to either put his two cents in or express his views or disagree with me. I'm glad that uncomfortable trip is over.

We set a date for Wednesday. Hopefully, we can make a night of it. I look forward to having more deep discussions with him. And finding out what other things we have in common. He has this innocence that makes me think of those days of old school love. If I'm not careful, I may just fall for him.

Finding Myself

2009-08-29T21:30:00.004-04:00

This week I must have watched Diary of a Woman at least 4 times. I love that movie so much and since J gave me the DVD, I'm bound to watch it as much as I've watched The Associate. I love the way Helen writes or narrates in a gentle, reflective way that is almost induced by writing in a journal by hand. There's something private and poetic about writing in a journal the old fashioned way. I'd like to say I want to go back to that format but I'm too conditioned to having my diary in the virtual world. I like having access to it from anywhere without being physically attached to it. I like to claim anonymity but cherish it at the same time.

Lately I find it takes less effort to be happy. I don't need a reason to wake up in the morning. The days go by with small disappointments and irritation but nothing that consumes me. I think about my goals more and doing it at my own pace. I think about the things that make me lucky to be me and to have what I have. That old proverb isn't so out of reach; I can find happiness within myself. Some days, I forget these things but those days don't last too long. I'd say, lately, I'm finding myself.

Driving Through the Danger Sign

2009-08-25T13:27:00.004-04:00

Oh man. I'm in deep with Courtney. We're messing around way too much and and every time we get together, we push the line a bit further each time. He kissed me in a freaky way last night and he fingered me again. I'm afraid if we step out of the confines of his car (his car acts like this "meter" of how far we can go. Obviously we're in a public place, I'm sure there are laws about this.) all gloves would be off. He wants to be in me but I told him I draw the line there. I might see him this weekend, either friday or saturday. I'm apprehensive though. I feel like I'll be stepping into dangerous territory.

(Light bulb flash) I just stumbled upon a 3rd love story; that between Sancha and Angarin. It's cute b/c it's got a childish side to it but endearing b/c they're married now and I've got emails from her about the whole story that I can utilize.

Tomorrow I'm going shopping with J again and then later I'll pop in to work which means I have to push back my date with Tristan from Wedn. to Thurs evening. Which means I have to do some creative adjustment with my private class kids.

The more I think about my business plan for a resort, the more I think it's too much of a daunting project for one person to do alone. I think I'll continue to work on the planning and saving money but I'll venture into this very measuredly and I won't rush into it.

GW

Blast From the Past

2009-08-23T23:09:00.005-04:00

To date, these items in bold are done:

1. purchase select eritrean movies
2. write out the 2 love stories
3. review resume and begin to fill in LTO forms and apply for LTOs
4. write and send letter to QECO
5. review SFE
6. organize basement bookshelf
7. buy a dress for Sancha's wedding
8. book dental appt for some time in October
9. finish collecting resources from the summer AQ course
10. see the doctor about skin
11. shopping for clothes
12. buy a new computer system
13. start a photo blog
14. find an organization system for my shoes
15. draw up a business plan
16. make a list of requirements for MEd.
17. type out TDSB interview questions

Boy, I didn't do much. Well, I've got 8 more days...tick tock.

Gotta say the past few days have been so enlightening. I came across an old university friend, Tristan on that archaic msn and we talked on 2 occasions. Each time, we talked for hours and hours but what was more phenomenal was that our conversation was deeply profound. We went beyond the childish games and superficial chatter and we discussed things like life, religion, peace. Talking to him has made me realize being at peace really comes from your own emotional stability and perception on life, not religion. Tristan is christian by name but he really doesn't practice it like his mother does. In fact, he went further to say that he has issues with Christianity and religion overall and that he shares celebrations from all religions but doesn't really have ties with a particular one.

We made a date for Wednesday. I can't wait to see him. Back in university, I remember very vaguely sharing one class with him and chatting with him outside of class. I remember how good-natured and down-to-earth he was. He also had a gentle way about him; he spoke softly and his approach with people was warm and non-threatening. And if that wasn't enough, he is incredibly good-looking, yet he doesn't at all play this up. I think he genuinely thinks he's not but he's truly the hottest guy I've had interests in.

While talking on msn, I had mentioned casually that I wondered how we met. He gave me a moment by moment rendition of how we met. Slowly it started coming back to me. It all began when he and I were on our way to go home late in the night from school. I was waiting for a ride from my dad and he was waiting for his bus. Then he made the first move to introduce himself because he recognized me from a class we shared. Then a few minutes later, I suppose my dad said he'd be a little late to come and get me so he and I bought chinese food and we shared it in the lounge by the big windows. Then apparently I bought another chinese food combo for my dad. After that, we talked occasionally and he said that we talked about getting together outside of school but then exams came along and then it never happened. I don't remember at all exchanging msn addresses but how lucky that I do have it b/c how else could he have come back into my life?

At the moment, he's finishing up his first year of his 2 yr MFA I think. He lives pretty close to my work and he's 26. He's also got birthday blues. He asked me not to wish him next year b/c every birthday serves as a reminder to him that he hasn't accomplished much, according to him, although I beg to differ. He's accomplished more than the average person has. That's something to be truly proud of. I think that he's probably comparing himself to others and measuring himself by somebody else's standards. That's a recipe for disappointment right there. We shouldn't dismiss the accomplishments or gains we have made in life because it doesn't compare with the next guy. Booker T Washington once wrote that success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has had to overcome while trying to succeed. I take this wisdom deeply to heart. Everybody's trials and tribulations are different and its our individual triumphs that matter, the strength of our character is what matters, and our contributions for social change is what matters.

I hate to ruin a nice blog entry with developments about Demello so I'll only mention how true to his sign that bastard is; Taurus. He's stubborn to the point where he can be a jerk. That's how I would describe him right now, a jerk. And a prick. He'll stick it to you and then annoy you. If he did something uncool, he won't admit guilt and apologize. He'll find a way to steer the conversation in a different direction so that in the end, the tables have turned and all of a sudden, you're at fault as well. Also, he believes that his personality warrants him to be snarky and sarcastic with people and that everyone around him should accept it b/c that's "who he is". He doesn't think he should tone it down a little. He thinks it's quite okay to go on offending pple and pissing them off.

Interestingly enough though, he revealed that he likes me and wants to date me yet he's not treating me like someone he wants to date. I got to be honest, I don't have time for idiot men like him.

On another front, the man I was introduced to, S.Teclemariam, called me after we've been emailing each other briefly and chatting on msn. I'm afraid though he's the typical severe eritrean. I think he might be pretty traditional and may be a stick in the mud. He's very educated. He's got a long list of degrees, the most recent of which he completed was a PhD in economics. I should call him back tomorrow as I "missed" his call.

The dress I bought for Sancha's wedding is out of sight. It's so beautiful. It's an orangy-red colour, knee-length, one-shoulder, african-style dress. It's got copper beads along the neck-line so the accessories I'll have to wear will have to be copper and/or wood. I got a scarf and a date to go along with the dress. All I need is shoes, a clutch, and a wedding gift. Justin really is the boy next door. We've done everything together; shop, movies, eat out, grocery shop. He's great.

More good news for September, my boss gave me raise. And I got another raise for TDSB. Yay!

GW

So Little Time

2009-08-16T15:13:00.006-04:00

Here's the to-do list for J and I:

1. watch a live comedy show
2. visit the CN tower
3. get a reading from a palmist
4. take pictures around the lake shore
5. watch a movie at a drive-through
6. shopping

That's all that comes to mind. Some of it is really for my sake, the others are fun things we both want to do. We have a modest sense of fun.

I contracted a nasty bug from out of the blue a few days ago - some kind of cold. Yesterday it left me very drained and feeling so much pressure in my head. I couldn't accomplish anything. Today I feel a lot better.

Here's my short term to-do list for August, since we're on the subject:

1. purchase select eritrean movies
2. write out the 2 love stories
3. review resume and begin to fill in LTO forms and apply to LTOs
4. write and send letter to QECO
5. review SFE
6. organize basement bookshelf
7. buy a dress for Sancha's wedding
8. book dental appt for some time in October
9. finish collecting resources from the summer AQ course
10. see the doctor about the skin
11. shopping for clothes
12. buy a new computer system
13. start a photo blog
14. find an organization system for my shoes
15. draw up a business plan
16. make a list of requirements for MEd.
17. type out TDSB interview questions

I'll post an update as to how much I was able to accomplish by Sept 1st.

GW

What do the stars say?

2009-08-14T10:55:00.002-04:00

Since the last time I posted, here are my accomplishments:

1. I earned a primary ABQ
2. I secured a spot on the preferred supply list of another school
3. I orchestrated a story writing contest
4. I got a new car (I may have mentioned this already in June)
5. I've learned to read palms (getting there)
6. I've got a business plan to open a resort in Eritrea
7. and others that have slipped my mind

The primary ABQ was a great course to gather resources from but in terms of it being a valuable course in and of itself? Hell no. The teacher was an arrogant ass, the students, having sensed they have to put their guard up I suppose, weren't very friendly with each other, and the amount of work we had to do was truthfully unreasonable. One has to literally spend about 10 hours a day just to get through 1 days' work. The expectation was that you were one who had no life, no kids, no job to pay for the ludicrous fees of this course. I'm so glad it's over. I came out of it with a B+. I don't have grievance about that, the last weeks of the course, I didn't contribute much to class discussions, or finish all the activities. I got a final mark of 73% for that but what I disagree with is the mark she gave me for my chapter review; a measly, undeserved 70%. 70? I did a hell of a lot better than 70% that's for sure. I have a right mind to complain to her, not that it would make a great difference to my overall mark and not that the overall mark means much for AQs, but just to let her know that I think it's not a fair evaluation.

The other school in which I got on the preferred list, I gathered after going there a few times, isn't thaaat great. It may be close to my house, it's a K-8 school, but the teacher's don't seem to have a common bond, they don't really interact with each other. And they're not too friendly to supply teachers. But oh well, I'll give it another year. Anything can happen in a year.

The story contest was a lot of fun. I got to exercise my sick need to control, organize, and categorize. Reading the stories were fun too. Some stories were done quite well. Some needed more guidance from the teachers. It's a shame the other teachers didn't take it so seriously and didn't encourage the students to write like I did. The next thing on the agenda is probably a math contest. Parents are already asking about it. That's a good sign. It's likely we won't have it until December though. There's a lot more to do for a math contest.

Reading palms, yes, ...it's true what they say that it's an art b/c if you look carefully and closely at your palm, you'll notice millions and millions of tiny lines, offshoots of the major lines, and according to the experts, they all tell a story. So your hand, essentially, is a book; a book of life.

Speaking of books, I just realized I have a 2nd love story that I can add into my book. It's the one of Mike and Aileen and how they first met. It's such a great story. It's not typically cliche, or raunchy, or sad. It's perfect.

I've officially read all the entries from the Jenny's blog who's in Ethiopia. She's a trooper, living there for this long. I suppose when your goal is so strong and you become a part of a loving community, everything else becomes less important, less of a challenge. I would have truly like to help her but it would be a conflict of interest right now. If only she was in Eritrea. I would empty out my savings to help Eritrea.

These past few days have been uncomfortably humid. I finally gave in this morning and turned on my fan. We're doing good this year with leaving the AC off, I'd like to continue keeping it off.

I can't wait until September so I can start making some real money and get closer to my dream of building a resort in Eritrea. I suspect construction costs will be at least 80USD. Perhaps by the end of this month, after I write out a basic business plan, I can talk with Cecilia at my bank and see my prospects for a loan, perhaps for next year. By the end of this year, I'll have about $20, 000 in savings and my credit line. By the middle of next year, that will double to $40, 000 through aggressive savings tactics. I'm going to do this!

Here's a wild story. My boss checked my charts a few days ago and read that I'm going through tough times, that everything I try, fails and doesn't work out. He also said that within these next few years, I will find someone willingly. The tough times part blew my mind away - it's so accurate. I feel like the lock on my personal vault has been cracked open. I wonder what else he discovered about me that he doesn't want to say?

GW

The Suit Fits

2009-06-04T20:25:00.004-04:00

I've decided to write a book of short love stories taken from different countries. Each story will have distinct cultural references and allusions. The book will be framed as a memoir.

A few days ago, I told Randy "I'm going to throw you out if you don't settle down" and he said, "Where are you going to throw me, in the trash can?"

I could've responded "No, into the principal's office" but instead I laughed at his innocence.

I've also decided to join the gym by my house in the evenings starting September or even August. I will obviously have to get rid of my evening hours (which I will do so gladly with a parade behind me) and I will stop my tutoring classes with my Saturday and Sunday kids. I know my Sunday kids won't let me go without a fight.

Lastly, I've decided to take an online AQ course at OISE for the Primary division because I would like to make myself more available at k-8 schools and also, it would suit me well as I came upon an interesting development today by way of Mr. Wise wherein the JB PS might apparently turn into a k-8 school. That would actually be very great because I would love to see the small kids in the school. I don't think that will happen until 2010 or 2011, however. By that time, Courtney may be gone as he informed me that he wants to become principal of a school. That would suit me just fine too!

GW

Her Love Story

2009-06-02T23:01:00.005-04:00

What a week. And it's still Tuesday.

I found this beautiful blog authored by a NY woman who picked up her belongings (what could fit in a suitcase) in 2006 and left for Mali to start a brand new life. That's where she met the love of her life, married him and permanently moved there to share a life together. She's sublimely happy. Her way of writing is so beautiful and warm. All her entries tell a story. She writes about the people in her life in the frame of a love story. I feel like I've come to know these people she talks about personally. I want to know the rest of their story. Her address is as follows:

http://postcardsfrommylife.blogspot.com/

It's beautiful. I feel like my eyes are dancing when I read her words. She doesn't write often though. Every few months it seems.

Her name? Haiku. How appropriate.

I smell a novel.

GW

Jesus, Take the Wheel

2009-05-15T20:36:00.003-04:00

The B Idol kids are so great. They have so much cheer. I love them. Cath's second song, Jesus Take the Wheel is so beautiful. What a great selection. It's so mature and tasteful. Craig's song is a lot of fun. It's called Beautiful Girls I believe.

Today, after school the coop student was talking about how she looks young and passes off as a high school student (she acts more like a high school student more than she looks it actually. God I can't stand her) and Craig and another student say that I too look young, like a 19 yr old and then Craig says, "You look like Barbie. No, prettier than Barbie. Barbie is crusty." How funny is he? I love him.

Then during rehearsals, after he sings "Beautiful Girls," the other girls that were there claim that song was about them, then Craig says, "Actually, I was singing it to Ms. G." He is too cute for words.

I like William too, the trouble-maker. My opinion of him went from jackass to a fun kid. Lately, he jokes with me by tapping me on the shoulder and saying, "Wanna fight, huh? Wanna fight?" I entertain him a bit and make like I'm going to take him on. Truth is, he could kick my ass.

Aaron is the one I can't describe in words. He is the epitome of courage, strength, and a great leader. He is destined for great things and I look forward to seeing him grow up to become an amazing figure. He is a beautiful human being. He sets an example not only to his own peers but also the adults like me. I want to be more like him. Ms. Richards told me his father may be Indian and his mother is black. Today, I saw Aaron's little bro. He looks asian to me.

Last night I watched Domestic Disturbance and I saw that it only got a one star rating. I wonder why. It wasn't all that bad. It should've gotten at least 2 stars. Even that crappy A Walk to Remember with Mandy Moore got 3 stars.

This long weekend, I'll be coming in to work, to hold the fort and work on the lessons, not teaching. It opens again on Tuesday. The boss and wife are off on another vacation. For me, a vacation is always someday.

GW

Having Grace

2009-05-09T22:37:00.003-04:00

A lot has changed since the last time I wrote in here. I read a lot of articles, started reading (but not finished) a lot of books, made a few internet friends (one in Addis Ababa) and I'm supply teaching now. Oh, and I'm dating my vice principal.

CD's wedding is starting to become a piss off. Her true ugly colours are starting to reveal themselves and it's taking a lot out of me to be patient and to chill out. She has me paying for the stupid ugly dress, dragging me to all her wedding related parties (engagement party, bridal shower, bachelorette party) and expecting gifts for all of them and most annoying of all, she's disallowing me to bring a guest to her wedding (although it's a free-for-all for both her sisters who not only will bring their boyfriends but also their friends) How fair is that? To tell the truth, I'm not going to let this stupid event reduce me to a drama queen, whining little baby. It's just another ordinary event meant to glorify another insecure skinny bitch. Like all terrible things, this too will pass.

And I am going to pass out on my bed and sleep.

Ciao.

I'm still on square one

2008-09-02T22:45:00.003-04:00

5 months later, I'm still where I was in March. I had the most saddest dream last night. Isaac and I were at some kinda lecture and we were sitting together and just flirting, every now and then, we had the admiration of those around us. I think the lecturer herself put her attention on us and said something to us, and the rest of the audience giggled and looked at us fondly. At one point, I was feeling his leg where he did the operation and he didn't have his leg brace on anymore. He had healed already. You can imagine how I felt when I woke up. I didn't leave my bed until 11.30, I was so incredibly miserable.

I don't understand why I'm dreaming about him. This isn't the first time, it happens frequently. It's not that I want him back into my life, I just really miss him. We just ended it so abruptly, I didn't get any closure. We didn't fight, or have a solid last good-bye talk or anything.

God, you have no idea how much I miss him. Sometimes, when I'm talking really fast to my guy friends, I almost call them by his name but I catch myself before I do it. I'm sick, aren't I?

Getting over him has been really difficult. How can I possibly do this with someone else? I finally understand it why people write encouraging songs about being able to love again. Some pple need to hear that, but for me, it all sounds like this: crap. I will NEVER let myself love someone the way I let myself love Isaac. Mark my words. It will never happen.

Remember that guy I bumped into last year? Well his name is Joel (not his legal name, apparently). But he and I have gotten close. There's a whole crazy story behind him that'll have to wait for another time but basically, he's becoming a really good friend. We are going out this saturday. I can't wait. I want him to tell me more about his life and I want to tell him about mine and give me good advice. I want to see his child also who has the perfect name on earth: Jordan!

Well, my novel has shaping up. I changed the idea totally since the last time I mentioned it here. It's better now, and more succinct.

I'm on the occasional teacher roster but my profile hasn't been updated yet, so I'm waiting for that to happen. I think it'll take another 2 weeks. Then I'll be getting calls (daily, I hope) for supply teaching jobs (and making more money than I didn't think was possible).

My braces are on and in the next few weeks, I'm pulling 3 teeth out. After that, I'll start seeing my teeth moving into their proper places. I really can't wait for it.

At work, we've done renovations to give more space in the office. I'll have my own working space now, not that it was really necessary.

Last, the sponsorship application is in and I can't wait for this process to get going and have TWF come to Canada.

Oh, in case you were keeping score, now everyone, every single one I knew, is married.

Is it weird that I am looking forward to winter? Wasn't it winter just yesterday?

GW

Bracing Myself

2008-03-26T14:22:00.004-04:00

The long weekend has come and gone. It was much too short. I can't say the same thing about winter. It has been relentless this year.

I'm so excited about the novel I'm writing. I've completed the outline chapter by chapter of the major details and the development of the plot. It is going to be too cool when I publish it!

Also, about a month ago I booked an appointment with an ortho that only does braces. He explained the process and what needs to be done thoroughly. His office was so grand and filled with goodies and tech devices. We were looking at my tooth on our first consultation. It was so cool, except for the fact that we were looking at a magnified picture of my crooked, but surprisingly white, teeth. If there's one redeeming quality about them, it's that they're pearly white, thank god. The awful news, though I braced myself for it, was that I have to extract 3 perfectly good teeth! Well, it could have been worse. He could've told me my jaw is too weak, or my gums are no good, which he didn't. I'm going through with it. Because I know I'm going to love the results in the end. The whole thing will cost me about 5500. I could've gotten it done for less by another dentist but I'm confident in this ortho. He has more experience. And his office is much better looking and cleaner!

My online AQ is going fine so far, although I don't quite dig the disarray of assignments. They're posted everywhere and proper due dates are not given to each of them so I'm a little confused as to the schedule of the assignments. I'm going to go with the flow for now and do as much as I can early on. I'm mesmerized by my peers who've, most of them, gone everywhere and seen so much. A few are actually in an Asian country right now at international schools.

In a few months I can count myself a traveller too b/c I'm going to East Africa in June. I'm excited about the trip.

Char's engagement is in a couple of weeks; April 12 which means I have to take a day off work and buy clothes for that...geez louise.

Apart from all of that, I'm doing okay.

Dream Weaver

2008-03-14T11:34:00.007-04:00

A couple of days ago, the most eerie thing happened. I checked out my horoscope the day after Isaac and I spoke on the phone and it said I am feeling anxious lately and trying to deal with a problem that's just not resolving no matter what and something about looking to my dreams for a timely message.

Then, that night I dreamt a man telling me that just because people say good-bye to each other, it doesn't mean they'll never be together again later on. Isn't that interesting? Not just the fact that I got the well-advised message but I was cryptically told that I'll be getting a message? It was so spooky. Anyway, that made me rethink a little bit.

Maybe that's what Isaac was trying to tell me, to let it go and come back to it when things are less complicated and overwhelming for both of us. It's something like going on a break. But I'm not naive, things never return to the way things were. They always change. That's why I truly don't want that. I hate the idea of starting all over with somebody else. I made Isaac so much part of my life. I discuss him with my dad, we planned to get married someday, and have children, and move away to wherever he's stationed last. I feel like I'm losing a best friend. It's going to be hard to deal with this for a while. I'll have to write here often to just unload my thoughts and avoid being truly depressed.

I'm still waiting for his reply but I think he's already made up his mind but since he's Mr. "mutual" he wants me to get on board and be mutual about it.

Maybe things will turn out differently. Maybe after reading my message, he'll realize that at 34, he can't keep running away from somebody that wants to love him, from a life he wants to have someday, that he can't allow his career to dominate the entire spectrum of his life. It's ludicrous and isn't that what drives people insane eventually?

Whatever. Before we can discuss his ability/willingness to continue our relationship, he really needs to put some of my doubts to rest. I'm not totally sure he wants to be with me, period. In my mind, I feel like he's using his job as an excuse to "let it go". I probably would've done the same damn thing if I didn't want to be with him anymore. I'd have told him his job is putting a major crink in our relationship and I can't go down this road anymore. His major insensitivity or my fear about what my friends would say about his looks would NEVER come up. I would keep him ignorant to that fact to spare his feelings.

That's probably what he's doing with me. Although, he did say that he wishes to let it go, not b/c there's a problem in our relationship. He said there was no problem at all. Then later he says letting go will ease some "uncertainty" we have. That's what triggered the doubts in me and prompted me to write him what I did. Then again, he does say a lot of things that come out wrong.

I just need him and me to communicate right now and come to terms on something. Because I'm running out of horoscopes to read and hours to sleep. I really hope it all turns out for the better in the end no matter what we decide to do. But I can't lie; it doesn't just hurt thinking about the idea of letting him go, it friggin' cuts like a knife.

Do you know when it's most unbearable for me? It's in the mornings when my dad isn't home to talk to. It's in the late nights when I come home from work and I waste the hours away watching Cold Case and Fraser and Seinfeld on the couch until 2 in the morning by myself. It's on the weekend nights when I'm driving around town to my tutoring sessions. It's when I close my eyes before I go to sleep. It's a sick wretched feeling.

Bombshell #2

2008-03-13T14:27:00.005-04:00

I've got a lot to do but I feel my energy level plummeting really fast. Yesterday I did absolutely nothing once I got home. I just watched TV and went to sleep. I meant to do some writing on my book, I even had the binder and my pens and pencils next to me.

Isaac called a couple of days ago while he was at work. He threw another bombshell at me. He's being sent somewhere for duty for the next two months. He's leaving tomorrow. From there, he's going straight to his military training that starts in June and will finish the first part in September. That means we won't see each other until then--September. And even then, it will be very brief because he has to his second part of the training and then by about early 2009, he'll be deployed to the middle east.

We talked about maybe letting go of our relationship right now and wait until things have settled with him a bit and see where we are later down the road. He said it will hurt but maybe that's what we should do. He thinks it's going to be extremely difficult, almost pointless to continue when we won't even be able to talk to each other and we both have so much going on in our lives. He said that would not be fair to me, to make me wait.

I don't know how I feel about this. He gave me his email and asked me to think about it and write him. I wrote to him the day after we talked. I was a little harsher than I intended but the message was out. Here it is;

- - - -
Isaac

My heart wants to believe everything you tell me but my mind knows better. I think there are some things that you're not telling me and I say that because the last Friday that I saw you, you said you had a lot of things to say and had it all laid out in your head but that all disappeared when you saw me. I didn't push the subject because you said all the right things I wanted to hear.

You always tell me that you don't want to tell me what to do as I may regret it later. I don't want to tell you what to do either so now I'm telling you to be totally honest with me. Tell me what you really wanted to say. Tell me you're not using your job as an excuse to part ways. You have to be frank with me here. You can't give me wrong information. I will be a clueless fool otherwise.

The thing that made me conclude to this is in the beginning, you told me what I'd be facing with your job. You told me to expect long months of not talking or seeing each other and other worse evils. I did think about it and then I accepted it. It's not taking a toll on me. But it looks like the tables have turned; now I'm convincing you to accept it and be okay with it. That seems weird. I should be the one who tells you I can't handle it.

If I'm wrong about this, then it leads me to another thought; Don't you think it useless to be involved with someone just to split with them when your job takes you away for a while? What's the point then? With me or any other person you go out with? Why not be single for the rest of your life? Your job can't keep governing your personal life. That's something you have to examine. It's not your job that's the problem, it's your ability to hold on to those 2 things at the same time. THIS is what's unfair--not the fact that you'll be making me wait.

All you need to hear from me is that I'm okay with waiting for you, however many months you have to go away. I can't freak out every time your job takes you away, that wouldn't be wise. If I had a problem with it, believe me I would tell you. You are worth it to me Isaac. There's no question about it. I know being so far away is hard and you going to here and there will be harder but it's not like we didn't see it coming from before. This isn't something I'm going to resent you for. I'm also trying to get myself in order here too. so we've both got things going on but that's life. Something will be going on all the time.

Think about this; breaking up isn't like going on a break, it's going separate ways, it's moving on with our lives. It's another kind of committment where we'll decide to put each other out of our minds for good. It's a permanent thing. There's no way we can look each other up and see how things are a year or two from now. We can, but I'm not sure if I could go back to it. I would always wonder when you're going to split again. I'd be reluctant to trust you. This sounds harsh but you understand what I'm trying to say here? I think going on a break instead is better--we'd have to do that whether we wanted to or not b/c of the situation. But at least we're not saying goodbye forever to each other.

But on the other hand I also don't want you to hold on to us just to make me happy or to avoid hurting me. I can't be the thing that weighs you down Isaac. Think of yourself first and how much you're able to handle or willing to handle. Maybe it's more a question of; is it fair to you, to be in a relationship you can't really afford the time for. But on the same note, when will you ever have the time? This is your life now.

I can convince you to stay together and give you all the assurance in the world you need but if you're not confident in our relationship right now, if your heart isn't in it, then what do I have to hold on to?

So here's the book. Obviously you'll clarify things with me but please just be frank about it and be totally honest. I can take it like a man.

Grace
- - - -

There it was.

Gaining Clarity

2008-03-11T13:46:00.005-04:00

Soooooo, what's the adventure for this month? I've no idea.

But to update: Isaac and I had a talk that Friday evening. After talking for hours, to be really honest about it, I don't feel like we came to any conclusion. He came to the table not with the intention to break-up, nor to stay together (according to him). He wanted both of us to decide together. And we decided to stay together. But without solving anything really.

I guess the reason for that is b/c the problem is still hazy to me. I still don't really understand what we're trying to figure out here. For a brief moment, I think I get it, but then I'm right in the dark again.

Well, some things we got on the table is we decided that we should talk very little on the phone (b/c I hate talking on the phone and he hates who I become on the phone). Also because he has a retarded schedule disabling him from calling me during the same hours as before. We decided we should just call to check up on each other but that's it.

Since the Friday of the 29th, we haven't talked once. I called him this past friday b/c I had about 10 minutes before going in to work but my call didn't go through as usual. So I thought he'd see my missed call and call me back later but he didn't. Then on a Sat or a Sun, I msged him on facebook saying hello and filled him in on the rates and routes of the greyhound trip to NY that we planned. I asked for his input on some things. He mails me back at around 2 am to say "hey just got your msg...ttyl" That was it.

And today I find that he pulled his profile page down. And I just realized that I don't have his email. He doesn't have mine either. We just have the phone now.

I don't think I can do this anymore. I can't be in this kind of relationship where one person is perfectly okay with not hearing from the other in weeks. He's used to it because he's in that field of work where he has to go for months at a time and not see any of his friends and family.

It's not his job I'm biased against, it's his attitude, it's the way he can be so easily detached. It makes me feel that he may not really deeply care.

Which leads me to think that (based on what he said on Friday) breaking up may have been a sound idea for him. I think, that that's probably what he wanted until he saw me in person (because he said he lost all his composure and train of thought when he saw me. He said he had everything laid out in his mind and what he was going to say to me but that all got thrown out the window when he saw me. He said, "you're just so damn beautiful". He also said he tried imagining himself going out to a club and talking to another woman but only my image kept coming up. I guess he said everything I wanted to hear.) So now I fear, I may have swung him the other way unwillingly. I think he wanted us to break up on good terms but he couldn't say the words without hurting me. So he's probably with me to avoid the guilt of being the one to break it off. He probably wants to wait until I am at the same level of thought as him so that we can part on mutual terms.

Wow, I think I hit that one on the nail. This was what has been running through my head but now I can actually EXPRESS it.

Here's the pickle. He and I are supposed to take a trip together for the easter holiday to NY and phili to see his parents and rest of the family. He asked if I still wanted to do that the last time I saw him and I told him no, that we should just keep things b/w us for awhile but he pushed it and said we should still do it. I'm wondering if he's got a change of heart here. And as that weekened is nearing, I'm not sure what to do. I already booked some time off work. I'm wondering if I should relinquish those days off and work instead.

I gained back 3 lbs :( I'm going to hit the treadmill the first monday of never. I'm doing stomach workouts infrequently though.

Anyway, let's let this rest until Sunday night, and then I may reconsider working easter monday and tuesday.

GW

Settling for Butterflies

2008-02-28T13:34:00.011-05:00

Thank you for the lead to whoever gave me the link. Very helpful!

I got another family who wants me to tutor their child. Let me just make a trivial comment here: I've got a 60-hr work week. How in the hell am I going to squeeze this one in? I'll have to think about it. Maybe I can work something out...work 8 days a week instead of 7 maybe?

Last week, (although it feels like 2 weeks ago) I sought advice from relationship experts on the net and I found good things. Of course, you're always insatiable, always asking for more advice. Sharon and Leon were the two I wrote and they both said what I already knew although Sharon said I should really be with somebody more compatible with me b/c as it looks, Isaac and I are very very different. Leon said don't give up on it just yet but don't push.

Then I went to a forum where everyone said to just break up with him. One minute I'd agree with them and the next I'd hesitate b/c these people didn't know the whole story. I like one lady's advice who wrote to me several times. I value hers more than the others.

- - - - - - - -

Today I wrote:

deblgus--

I mean you can't exactly think objectively when you're IN the situation. It's hard to make your heart go cold just like that. it's partly b.c. I had a lot to do with this whole thing (I wasn't an angel here). I pushed him away several times b/c I can be pretty crabby sometimes.

morgan--no he doesn't have a gf, I'm certain about that.

angelw2--I know, I'm like a pendulum clock.

btw, he called and we talked for a bit last night. He has a retarded schedule now. we talked like everything was back to normal, as if the 2-week break didn't even happen (minus the i love yous). he told me he'd done serious thinking over the last little bit...and he even talked to his father about it. his FATHER?! he's coming down this wkend to see me and talk about it together. Here's where I'm stumped---he's either being a real gentleman by breaking up with me in person or he doesn't want to end it, just wants things to change b/w us. I can't imagine somebody driving such a distance to break up (but what do I know. I've never been in a long distance relationship before.)

- - - - - - -

angelw23 (who's 36) wrote:

Just be careful - you're starting to backpeddle ( I pushed him away etc etc.) And while its admirable to see your own faults in the relationship, don't loose sight of the REAL issue - HE'S NOT SURE ABOUT HOW HE FEELS!

And until he is sure - what is the point?

My only advise at this point is to see what he says - don't accept anything less than you deserve - which is him committing to a feeling - whether that be breaking up or sticking with the relationship - but if he sticks with it - then he needs to be IN it - and he can't be IN it unless he's sure how he feels!

- - - - - - -

I DO deserve better. I think I've forgotten myself over the past few weeks. I was willing to settle for him b/c it seemed like the easier thing to do and it felt more secure. At what point did I start shortchanging myself? I've no idea. I'm not okay with breaking up with him. I do care about him, to that I can't lie. But I don't think I could commit to him in the long run. I'd feel really unhappy.

I'll be okay with it eventually. The one I'm looking for is out there. He'll find me eventually. For the moment, I'm going to lose another 5 lbs, finish off that book and decide on an adventure.

Sometimes we really do depend on the kindness and support of strangers. (Blanche says it best.)

GW

This Crazy of a Life

2008-02-20T14:29:00.006-05:00

I'm still here. Chugging the last of my drinks and shuffling the last of my papers. (It's never the last).

I'm perpetually re-evaluating my life and my goals but yet, never really settling on one thing. I'm almost at the point of accepting the fact that I will NOT attain a permanent teaching job here in Ontario at the rate I'm going. I'm not volunteering at any school nor participating in any of the k-12 events here in the community. In a nutshell, I'm not getting my name out there.

But, it's not because I don't want to. I do want to but I'm working full time right now and I need to take care of my osap loan first before doing anything to dent my cashflow.

I had recently applied to the VIF program in the states and to my dismay and my bruised ego, they could not offer me a place in their program. Gee, I wonder why...could it be the mega-volume of applications coming from unemployed Ontario teachers alone? hmm.

During those fleeting few moments that I'm so lucky to find, I've been working on a grammar book for the intermediate level (about 5-8). It is an exercise book for confusing words. There aren't books like that out there so I may find a spot on the grand market bookshelf. When it comes to book-writing, a kind of energy suddenly stirs and I get excited again. I think that's where my niche is, not in teaching, but in developing and writing books of all kinds.

On the relationship front, Isaac and I are experiencing some turbulance--mostly on his end. He is feeling uncertain about things and we took a few days to sort things out but it didn't amount to much when he called me finally last night. His attempt at trying to "sort it out" came out in convoluted, stream-of-consciousness type of jibber-jabber. I had no idea what he was saying. Or rather, I had some idea but it didn't pertain to the heart of the matter which was how he felt about me. He was so concerned about the future and my parents and his parents and my goals and his goals and my potential resentment of him....and he finally ended with, he just doesn't want to hurt me.

Before we let each other go that night, I told him to forgot about all that other stuff that he's concerned about because those are things we can't ever be sure of in the beginning. It's not something we can sort out right now and come to a definitive answer. The only thing he can be sure of is how he feels about me. And that's really where he should start figuring things out. If he's not sure about that, then everything else is inconsequential.

I wanted to be angry with him for feeling like this but I couldn't bring myself to curse him and be furious with him....to do this to me now? after I already resolved these issues within myself a couple of months ago? What's the deal? Hell yes, I should be mad.

I'm just bracing myself for the worst. That's all I can do.

Tonight, I'm going to push him to talk to somebody (no matter how much he protests this time). Anybody. Even if they don't give him any advice, he should talk out loud about his problems and go through things with someone. Just verbalizing his problems may just bring a kind of resolution that he needs.

If he doesn't come to some kind of reconciliation soon, I'm going to start to get peeved off, I'm pretty certain of it. Right now, I'm okay with it, and letting him dwell on things with or without me, but if it takes too long, I may just have to be the one to say let's not see each other any more.

It hurts just even writing it down.

Naked

2008-01-22T02:23:00.000-05:00

I'm incredibly busy right lately but I just have to write here before the new year comes...yeah, new year 09, eh?

Isaac and I spent a wonderful night together at a hotel. We fooled around all night long--or at least until 4 am. We had a little blip a few days before Saturday. He was being rather insensitive although I was being a little oversensitive myself. We worked it out fast. I liked that he apologized the next morning.

Yes, he's the one for me.

A Merry Christmas Indeed

2007-12-24T23:30:00.000-05:00

'Tis the night before Christmas and all through the house were 3 bodies who plodded and grumbled about, not really in the holiday spirit.

Oh well.

Isaac and I are together now. Crazy, isn't it?. Mark this date: Dec 14. Since the last time I wrote we saw each other about 3 more times.

Our first date was wonderful. The restaurant was a fantastic pick. They had a kind of corner booth that we sat in. I liked it b/c we could sit together instead of across from each other. And the food was super. He came with a cute gift and a card that I absolutely love.

Our second date was the night before the big snowstorm. We went to a restaurant close to my house. We then went to a coffee place for another hour or so.

The third time, we met at the same coffee shop but only for an hour b/c I had to go to work. I saw him the next evening again. We went somewhere downtown. The plan was to meet up with his friend, cousin and 2 brothers at a nice lounge but his 18 yr old cousin wasn't allowed in. so we went to assab restaurant. before we met up with them, Isaac gave me the nicest watch I could ask for. It was by bulova. I have to get it resized though b/c it's a little loose. I got him that nice sweater from Mexx. I think he liked it b/c he wanted to wear it right away but it was going to clash with the rest of his attire.

The restaurant was a little small, crowded and a lot loud. but it got better as the night went on. Before we sat down, they said hello and greeted everyone they knew there. That is truly a place where everyone knows your name. In the back was a long table with a big crowd of men who, upon Isaac's arrival, all gave him a thundering ovation. If they were caucasians they'd sing "for he's a jolly good fellow". I later learned that they were his soccer teammates. I was so proud of him. I sat beside the 28 yr old brother but he was sick unfortunately so I couldn't get to know him. His cop brother who's 30 I found was hilarious and very tough. Though all 3 brothers don't look alike much, they all have a distinct resemblance to each other in their mannerisms and reactions and the way they carry themselves. I was a little disappointed I didn't get to meet his youngest brother who's my age I think. He didn't come b/c he flew out to Florida to visit a girl he's dating for her birthday. I think he learned how to be a sweet heart from his brother Isaac.

I invited my friend Habs to come and she showed up about half past midnight. She and the *single* cop brother were having a private convo at one point but unfortunately, nothing is going to happen there. I already figured that before I asked Issac. The cop wants somebody who's probably taller, a charmer, a flirt, and maybe independent at least in the state of mind.

I didn't get a chance to have a one-on-one with the cop but at one point he asked me if it's serious b/w Isaac and I [he asked that same question to Habs] and then later in the evening he asked when am I coming to Phili [code for when am I going to meet his parents]. I didn't answer, I left it up to Issac who said politely we're not there yet. But I'm so thrilled that the cop asked me that b/c it means he digs me.

I was sad to see our night end. Isaac drove Habs home and when we finally got a chance to ourselves, somewhere between steamy windows and lip-lockings, he told me he loved me. I couldn't believe it. I thought we were going to dance around that bomb for a little while longer.

When I look at when we first met and when we actually started dating, I wonder if we're moving too fast but the truth is, just like time, it's all relative. It may not be right for some people but Isaac and I have gotten to know a whole lot about each other and everything we do feels right. I love him too. And I'm so thrilled that I may be part of his family. [he says to me all the time that I'm part of his family now. I love it.]

I think this may be it.

A Soldier's Girl

2007-12-16T15:22:00.002-05:00

To begin, wow!

This has been a great week. I not only met him last saturday but yesterday as well. He came down here even after being forewarned about the tumultuous weather.

He is really wonderful. I'm afraid to commit too much emotion and feelings too soon b/c I want to know him a little longer and feel certain about the solidity of our relationship. Yes, that's right. We've decided to be exclusive.

We went to Kelsey's last night. The restaurant was dead on account of the disagreeable weather. It was great b/c we had privacy. Afterwards we (I) wanted to see a movie but the cinema was closed so we headed off to a coffee shop.

New Beginnings

2007-12-06T22:31:00.000-05:00

So it didn't happen. And I'm still here. It's not all that bad. I'm seeing the brighter side of life these days.

Mystery guy is no longer a mystery. His name is Isaac and he's in the US military. He's 9 yrs my senior and has an owen wilson accent that makes me weak in the knees. He doesn't live in Kingston, he lives in NY. I have a date with him this saturday. I'm going to get to know this one this time. I'm not going to move fast. We're having dinner at a restaurant I wanted to try for years.

I bought sexy black heeled boots a few days ago. It's got grip so I can wear it in the winter. I'll wear it this weekend.

I'll fill in the details on sunday night.

GW

2007-10-29T12:26:00.000-04:00

I thought I'd write here one last time before I continue to do with what I plan to do, hoping that everything goes accordingly.

Hard to say everything in a nutshell though.

Bye.

Going Further Into Retreat

2007-09-30T23:46:00.000-04:00

I got my 3 wisdom teeth out and BOY OH BOY was it ever an experience never to be forgotten. It was bru-TAL. It wasn't so much the pain as was all the precaution and the worrying if I was going to get an infection or a dry-socket. I was so distracted by all the worrying I haven't even written here. It was a tough couple of days. I took a week and a half off from work. I enjoyed that part at least.

Since then though, my remaining energy and spirit have dwindled. I'm highly aware that I've lost my drive. This is one long funk that I'm in and I know where the beginning of it was but we won't go there. We'll just wait and see until Novemeber.

It's 1:13am and I'm going back and forth to msn (I know) and to my blog writing frantically. That's what I hate about msn. You're having a nice conversation with one person and suddenly, someone rudely interrupts and when you don't reply immediately, they take offence. Problem is that there's no "do not disturb" indicators on this thing. I haven't been on msn for years and years. I don't think I'll be back on though. Only to speak to Bee since she got off Facebook now.

That mystery guy from facebook continues to email me. It's nice but he's a constant reminder for what happened b/w me and Fil. Mystery man seems nice and I like that's things are still distant b/w us but tonight he suggested we meet for coffee/tea next time he's in Toronto which is probably going to be sooner or later. He seems to be in Toronto frequently. He lives in Kingston but works across the border.

The hell with it. I have to figure out what I'm doing with my life. I've been working on my novel a little more. I realized the reason why I was stuck on it for a while was b/c I wasn't starting off with a problem first. I was starting off with little scenes and ideas and trying to join them together. Now I tried creating a problem and unraveling a story around it. That seemed to work. So I got a problem, I'm still criticizing it though.

Better go to sleep soon. It's already fucking 1.45am.

GW

I Shouldn't Be Here

2007-09-17T14:59:00.000-04:00

...but I am. 2 more days until the big day.

Didn't go to the film festival with Haiat. I cancelled on the last minute.

I watched the movie "Cellular" and I loved it. I am now on the prowl for the DVD. I also watched "Anchor Man". Didn't love it as much.

I got a wicked burn on the side of my left hand. It's like a dark strip. It's going to make a nice scar.

Doctor wants to see me on Tuesday. From the blood tests, he found that something is wrong with me and wants to prescribe me something. I had this coming. I'm becoming super lethargic. It's getting worse and worse. Saturday evening, I went to sleep at 9:00pm and woke up 8:45. I was supposed to be in at work at 9am. By a miracle I made it just 5 minutes after the hour. How is it that even after 12 hours of sleep, I still wake up late for work and still be tired? What's happening to me?

GW

It Starts Today

2007-09-12T14:26:00.000-04:00

I sent Dave Beckerman an email asking him if he's got any books published and it so happens he does but it's sold out. I'm not sure where his books are being sold so I inquired about that. He also told me that he's working on a few books right now, one of which is coming out in a month. I want to get it. He's got my style in photography. That's why I love his work.

I had a few great photo moments but you have to be quick to catch those things. Once while I was waiting for the light to turn green in my car, in front of me an old chinese lady and a young chinese lady were crossing the streets in opposite directions and they crossed each other right in front of me! It was striking.

Another time, a father and his son were doing tai-chi and the son was imitating the father. At one point they were crouching on the grass and the son was crouching too a second later. It was too cute.

Okay, I'm going to try something new tonight: I'm going to sleep at 12.30 and then see if I can wake up at 8.30 like I tried this morning. I've wrapped myself into such a bad bad habit for so long. This has got to stop.

GW

Big Things

2007-09-11T12:59:00.000-04:00

Got back from the doc. I didn't talk to him about my throat infection. I just had him do the physical and fax it over. I also went to do a blood test in the last 15 minutes before I had to make a mad dash to work. I got here in the nick of time! When I was doing the blood test, she couldn't get at the vein in my left arm so she had to try the right arm. She said this is because I'm not drinking enough water! Gosh, now I have to worry about water. I thought I was good; I don't drink pop or alcohol, just orange juice, grape juice, and milk.

This must be the funniest name I've heard yet. This dudette's name is Mrs. Wako! Haven't heard that one before. I've heard all the ones that include a male organ in all it's variants.

J found out that I need a publisher's certificate for any professional editing positions. Sometimes he makes me want to snap--not b/c of this but of the way he's so disagreeable. About anything. To the next person, they may not even notice it b/c it's really quite minor but like a stupid bug flying near your head--that's what it feels like. It's irritating.

Anyway, I really liked last night's episode of Sex and the City. Carrie turned 35 and her friends couldn't make it to the little party that THEY forced her to be a part of. But only Carrie turns up at the fancy restaurant. The other girls got stuck in traffic. So she leaves and later gets dragged out by her friends where she confesses that she feels not old but alone. In the next episode, Carrie takes part as a model for a fashion bonanza. She didn't look good in the hair nor the make-up and I didn't get the outfit. I think she looks beautiful when she wears only a little make-up and wears dresses that are clingy but not revealing and hence looking like a whore. And I like it when she walks normal, not struts around like some kind of has-been. We get it Sarah Parker, you're thin and beautiful. There's nothing else you have to prove on the big screens.

On Friday I watched some sketches of MAD TV and I noticed their skits are getting more and more riske. One of them was a skit taking place in a porn studio and they were performing porn for a live studio audience. And along with their questionable antics, I don't find them funny anymore. The old gang was a lot funnier with David Macdonald(he's still around), Debra (I LOVED her part of Mrs. Halifa Bonifa Latifa Sharifa Jackson who plays a disgruntled black chick, the white chick that plays a latino with Debra Wilson, the big white teddy bear--I looooved him, and the black dude--I loooooooooooved him even more. He was truly fantastic in whatever skit he did. He did some disgruntled black dude parts as well. I wonder where he's at now. Sometimes I see the old MAD TV gang in those sprite commercials--or is it mountain dew?

Tonight is Average Joe night. I wonder what's going to go down. I hope something romantic continues to develop b/w her and Big Heart. He makes her laugh a lot. Speaking of Big Hearts, that's another thing women want. Someone with a truly big heart and humour that runs a mile long. I've met one guy that made me laugh a lot but he didn't have heart. I've yet to meet someone with both. They are rare but a-holes and committment-phobics and narcissists are a dime a dozen. Maybe that's why firemen do it for most girls.

It's funny when it's all about the girl, it's called Average Joe. When it's all about the guy, it's called The Bachelor. I guess they figure, guys can handle it and I don't think the ladies will come on national television and humiliate themselves by being deemed as average jane.

A few nights ago I watched Spider Man on tv. Watching it a second or third time made me tolerate Kirsten's bad acting a little bit. She really sucks. The first time I saw it, I wasn't impressed at all. My favourite moment was the ending when Kirsten kissed Parker and as he was walking away, had a sudden de-ja-vu (b/c she had kissed him before but as Spider Man). That was really lovely.

So the French books just sit there these days, occasionally reflecting the glare of the sun or make like a place mat for my plate of food at night. For now, they just add a splash of colour to the decor of the living room. I need some direction in my life! I want to do big things.

GW

Something About Nothing

2007-09-10T12:21:00.000-04:00

I brought along my camera in hopes I catch something beautifully spontaneous. Anyway, I'm back in my cage--work. P is still at that publishing co. working the final days of her 2-week notice. I have yet to give them my resume.

I think I have some kind of throat infection b/c I have a bad sore throat that won't progress to a full on cold. It's just stagnant and annoying b/c it's not letting up. It's so difficult teaching my classes b/c I don't want to talk much b/c it starts to hurt like hell.

The weather is getting colder. I'm happy about that. I want to bust out my sweaters and turtlenecks and winter-tops and mistletoes. And jinglebells and santa claus and christmas tunes and chimney coals....too early? I look forward to christmas starting in july. I just love that holiday. I don't even mind how consumer driven it's become. In a small way, I like that too.

I've got my doc apt tomorrow morning at 10:10. Here's the rest of my to do list:
-mark the rest of the papers
-stitch my black pants
-watch Average Joe Tuesday night (that goes without sayingr really)
-get that resume out
-locate a fortune teller
-try out Neptune's Cove restuarant
-go to pickering town centre and get 6 movies for $20
-get J's bday gift

I just deleted almost 40 msges I had saved on my cell. I've never listened to any of them more than once, I just kept them for a just in case moment. I still had some from december. I also had the ones from him. Listening to them partially didn't make me miss him one bit. It's good, right?

I've got less and less to say every time.

GW